


in other words, please be true (in other words, I love you)

by liferuining_feels



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Amnesia fic, M/M, Medical Ambiguity, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-03 21:26:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 96,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1757441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liferuining_feels/pseuds/liferuining_feels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Zayn…babe talk to me, you okay?”                                                                                           </i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <i>“Babe??”</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>“I love you, Zayn, always know that okay? I love you I love you I love you.”</i></p><p> </p><p>When Zayn wakes up in the hospital, he doesn't realise he's just been in a car accident, doesn't realise that things aren't as they seem, and most importantly doesn't realise he's forgotten about the most important person in his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. my mind runs away to you

_“Zayn…babe talk to me, you okay?”_

_“Babe??”_

_“I love you, Zayn, always know that okay? I love you I love you I love you.”_

~

The first feeling that registers in Zayn’s mind is that his head is throbbing worse than the night he and Harry decided to go on an all-night bender their second month in London. It’d taken a whole week for the both of them to recover, and the way Zayn’s feeling right now, he suspects it’s going to take more than a month for him to get over whatever he and Harry were up to last night.

It takes him a while, but the more awake he becomes the more he realises that this is more than just a bad hangover. His body aches all over and when he tries to lift his arm, there’s a sharp pain that travels up his whole right side.

A minute later his mind registers a beeping sound, like a heart monitor, and there’s a distinct smell of disinfectant in the air that’s so different to the smell of cigarette smoke and vanilla candles that often lingers in his room. His throat feels dry, and his body is rigid in this bed that feels too soft to be his ratty futon. He struggles to open his eyes, and his body feels stiff like he hasn’t moved in a while. He feels someone touching his arm to the left and the familiar smell of roses and jasmine hits his nose, which normally would fill the spaces between his bones with warmth but instead it sucks the air from his lungs leaving him confused.

“Mum…?”

“It’s okay sweetheart, you’re okay…you’re safe now.”

Zayn doesn’t know what she’s talking about. He opens his eyes and is immediately struck by harsh bright lights and he’s blinking at a ceiling that he knows is far too white to be his room back in his flat. It take some time for his eyes to adjust and when he turns his head, he sees his mum looking at him with worry in her eyes and tears that are threatening to spill down her face. He’s got a dozen questions to ask her, like what’s she doing here in London instead of Bradford and why isn’t he back at his flat and what’s he doing in a hospital attached to all these machines?

His head feels dizzy and he’s disoriented, his heart is racing judging from the way the beeping sound on the heart monitor suddenly picks up and his mum is carding her fingers through his hair asking him to calm down, so he squeezes her hand, gripping on to it tightly like an anchor in this wave of confusion.

He takes a few deep breaths to clear his head before cautiously spitting out the words, “What happened? Why am I at the hospital?”, and there’s a little bit of doubt in his voice as if he’s afraid to find out the answer.

“Oh darling, you’ve been in a car accident. It’s alright now, you’re okay, and he’s going to be fine…everyone’s alright.”

Zayn takes some time to process his mum’s words…a car accident…and Harry’s the only one of them who can drive…

“Oh my god…how’s Harry?”

There’s a look that flashes across his mother’s face that he can’t read before she gives him a comforting smile, “He’s fine, love. He’s on his way now.”

“Oh thank God,” it’s hurting his throat with every word he speaks but he needs to know that Harry is okay, “So he wasn’t in the accident with me?”

“No, of course not…” She says it slowly, and there’s something in the tone of her voice that tells him that she’s hiding something.

Zayn wants to ask her more, find out what happened, but his throat is giving in to the pain and he starts coughing violently. His mum quickly coaxes a cup of water to his lips and the cool liquid eases some of the burn as it goes down his throat.

 _Harry’s okay. He’s fine. And I’m_ …he lowers his eyes down his body to see no casts on his arms and legs and he knows he can move all his limbs. _We’re okay, we’re okay._

“We’re okay mum, we’re okay.” He says it out loud this time, as if to appease himself because in the back of his head, he’s still got a nagging feeling that something is wrong.

Zayn’s mum doesn’t say anything, just runs her hand through his hair and leans in to kiss his forehead gently.

Zayn doesn’t see the look of worry on her face, doesn’t know that she prays for the doctor to come quickly.

Because a mother’s instinct always rings true.

~

His doctor still hasn’t come in and seen him in the hour he’s been awake. Harry hasn’t come by either and as far as Zayn knows, he’s still in London, and knowing Harry, he would have been here in a heartbeat. His mum said he’d been unconscious for 8 hours after the accident and each time he tries to get her to tell him what happened, she just keeps saying that she isn’t sure of the details herself, and Zayn gets the feeling that she’s just saying that to placate him.

When his father sees him awake, he holds onto his hand like a lifeline and kisses him on the forehead without saying a word, the tears in his eyes telling Zayn all he needs to know.

_I’m happy you’re safe, I’m happy you’re alive._

He slips out again on the pretense of getting some coffee but Zayn knows that he doesn’t want his son to see him crying, because he might try to hide it but Zayn catches his father hastily wiping his eyes as he leaves the room. His mum’s been fidgeting the whole time and Zayn can read his mum like a book, he’s the closest to her out of all his siblings, so he knows that there’s something on her mind that she isn’t telling him. But each time he asks her what’s wrong, she just shrugs him off. “Nothing, love, just being a worry wart, as all mothers in this situation would be,” but he sees right through her forced smile.

The nurses come in after awhile and give him some painkillers because the pain that’s throbbing in his head becomes unbearable after an hour. It’s a heavy dose that makes his head feel heavy within minutes and he’s just about to give in to the slumber when he registers the soft click of the door. He quickly forces his eyes open thinking it could be Harry but instead he sees his father walking towards his mum and pulling her in for a hug.

“He’s still in surgery.”

Zayn assumes they’re talking about his doctor, but then he sees the tears that run down his mum’s face and the frown his father has on his, and all he can think about is Harry, how Harry’s not here, how he should be because they live literally 15 minutes from the hospital and today is a Tuesday and Harry doesn’t work on Tuesdays and his mind races with what’s happened to him because he’s had this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach since he’s woken up and he knows it’s got to have something to do with Harry’s absence.

He wants to ask his parents, or at least demand to know what’s going on and where Harry is, but before he can the medication takes over his body and he slips into unconsciousness.

~

Zayn wakes up to someone prodding his arm, a young nurse who’s smiling down at him as he blinks groggily.

“I’m so sorry Mr Malik, just coming into give you another dose of pain medication. How are you feeling?” the nurse says. She’s a young girl, probably a few years older than him, with long blonde hair that’s been tied into a ponytail and bright blue eyes that seem to steal a gasp from his throat. Zayn can’t help but feel like she looks so familiar and she looks back at him with concern the way his eyes are wide and staring at her.

“Just tired. And my head still hurts.” He looks around the room to find it empty, the chairs where his parents were seated vacant.

“Your mum and dad are just out to grab a quick coffee, they’ve hardly had anything to eat since your accident.” She gives him a warm smile and a squeeze to his shoulder, as if gently letting him know that she isn’t saying it to make him feel guilty.

“Can you please…can you tell me what happened?”

She looks at him confused, “You were in a car accident?”

“I know, but how?”

“You were hit by a drunk driver sir, you suffered a severe trauma to your brain, but Mr Horan received more extensive injuries and has been in surgery the whole day. Last I heard, he’s in stable condition.” Just as she finishes administering the drugs, her pager beeps and she apologises and hastily leaves the room.  

Mr Horan…the name sounded so familiar to Zayn but he couldn’t place it. The nurse just mentioned that he was hit by a car, so he hopes that means Harry is safe, which means he must have been walking home from work or something when it happened.

Mr Horan must have been the drunk driver…Zayn wants to feel some sort of anger towards him but he can’t, instead he finds himself wondering whether the driver’s going to be okay.

The pain medication kicks in again after a few minutes and when he wakes up later, he’ll hardly remember this conversation.

~

When he wakes up again, his parents are back in the room and there’s still no sign of Harry. He wants to ask him mum to at least give him his phone to call him, but before he can a lady in a white coat walks in.

“Glad to have you back with us Mr Malik. I’m Dr Belinda, I’ve been assigned to your case. You’re very lucky that you weren’t seriously injured considering the severity of the accident.” She’s got a sweet face, her voice soft and gentle, and the kind look she gives him makes him feel relieved in a way.

She takes a moment to check his vitals and the movement in his arms and legs, which seem normal. “Now I just need to ask you a few things, it’s just simple questions – standard procedure that’s all.”

Zayn nods slowly as she takes out a notebook and pen. “Can you tell me your full name, your age, and the last thing you remember before the accident?” She smiles at him encouragingly and patiently waits while Zayn takes his time to answer.

“My name’s Zayn Javaad Malik. I’m 23 years old. I can’t remember the accident…but…” He stops, feeling a little confused because the last thing that he remembers feels like it happened so long ago…which was weird. “I think…I was walking home from work…it was Wednesday night?”

She nods at him while scribbling down in her book, “And what do you work as?”

“I’ve got two jobs…” He tries not look at his parents because they weren’t supposed to know, he tried to keep his unemployment struggles away from them so that they didn’t worry but it’s too late for all that now. “I work at a grocery store in the day and as a busboy at a bar in the night. I was just going home from the grocery store I think? ‘Cause I don’t work at the bar on Wednesdays.”

Something feels wrong as he replays the events because it feels like a foggy memory, and that unsettling feeling in his stomach that he can’t shake off returns, but as much as he wrecks his brain, that’s the image in his head of the last thing he remembers doing.

Dr Belinda nods slowly at him before looking to his parents and giving them a smile, one that’s different to the encouraging ones she’s been giving Zayn, this looks more sad – almost like she feels sorry for them.

“What’s wrong?” he looks to his mum, hoping that this time she’ll finally tell him what she’s hiding, because it’s getting too much now and he’s starting to get scared.

She avoids his gaze, and instead it’s Dr Belinda who answers him. “Zayn, it looks like…well we were a little worried this might happen but…it looks like the accident and your subsequent surgery may have given you some memory loss.”

Zayn should probably be more surprised, but somehow he isn’t, because that would explain why his last memory feels a little off, like it happened weeks ago.  “Oh my god…how much am I missing?”

He hears his mum let out a small gasp and when he turns to look back at her, there are tears running down her face and onto Zayn’s hand, her fingers clutching onto his tightly but he can barely feel it because his mum is crying and he thinks back to when he first woke up, thinking everything was okay, and how now that façade seems to be slipping away.

“Oh darling…you’re 28 years old now.”

Zayn’s eyes widen in shock and his heart stops.

He’s 28.

He can’t remember the last 5 years of his life.

With that last thought, he passes out.

~

When he comes to, his mum and dad are outside talking to the doctor, and the pretty blonde nurse from before comes in to adjust his drips and give him more medication.

“Now Mr Malik, this might make you feel a little sleepy, so don’t try to fight it. You need to get as much rest as you can, okay?”

“Thanks...”

Seeing the nurse again suddenly reminds Zayn about their previous conversation, although he was heavily medicated at the time, and he can only remember it vaguely.

“How’s the guy who hit me doing? You said he was in stable condition?”

She pauses what she’s doing to think. “Hmmm…the driver of the other car managed to get away with only minor bruises. And Mr Horan is still unconscious, he’s been in surgery all day, he probably will be for a while, but it looks hopeful so don’t worry!”

“I don’t understand, isn’t Mr Horan the other driver?”

The nurse looks at him in confusion, “Sorry Mr Malik, you mean Mr Horan, the driver of the car you were in?”

“What?”

“Yes,” her face is scrunched up into a frown and he looks into her eyes, a piercing blue colour that's making him feel unsettled in the centre of his chest, “he was in the car with you. He suffered some serious internal injuries and the doctors are working very hard to save him.”

Zayn is dumbfounded, he doesn’t understand who this Horan person is and what Zayn was doing in his car. Suddenly there’s an ache in his head and it hits him so severely he can barely take it. “My head…it hurts…” Zayn cries out to the nurse, hoping that she’ll give him something to ease the pain.

“I’ve just given you the painkillers sir, it should kick in soon enough, please do bear with it.”

He completely forgets about what the nurse has just told him, focussing instead on the pain that’s shooting through his brain that’s crippling him. The medicine finally kicks in after what feels like forever and for the second time that day, Zayn falls unconscious.

~

He wakes up the next day to a curly brown-haired mess lying against his hand. Zayn smiles at the familiar sight of his best friend, running his fingers through his hair, pulling at the ends purposefully.

Slowly, a pair of sleepy green eyes looks up at him before widening in recognition, “Zayn? Zayn, mate!”

“It’s about time you got here Styles,” and the next thing he knows, Harry’s throwing his body over his and hugging him tight and though his body still aches, all Zayn can focus on is the fact that Harry is here, and Harry is okay.

And suddenly a wave of relief washes over Zayn. The heaviness in his chest and the throbbing in his head isn’t so prominent anymore. Instead he feels safe…because that’s how Harry always made him feel, Harry was always the one who grounded him, kept him sane.

“You have no idea how happy I am to see you,” And Zayn wants to scream out, _You have no idea how happy I am to see you too,_ but he’s getting choked up and he can’t talk because he’s crying into Harry’s neck, gripping onto the other lad’s shoulders so tightly he’s sure there’ll be bruises but he doesn’t care, because his best friend is here, and he’s alright.

Harry doesn’t say anything, tears running down his own face, holding the boy he’s known ever since that first day he met him standing outside the university coffee shop, leaning against the brick walls in his leather jacket and Chelsea boots, Harry bumming three cigarettes off him before he bothered to find out what courses Zayn was taking.

Maybe it was their shared fascination for tattoos or maybe it was the fact that both of them felt lost coming to the big city from small towns, but the two boys spent the rest of their university days stuck to each other, creating a support system that got them through their roughest days, which carried on even after they graduated and struggled to find jobs in the real world.

“It’s okay Zayn, you’re alright.” And he’s heard it a dozen times from his parents, the nurses, his doctor, but coming from Harry...he finally believes it.

 “Are you sure? Apparently I’ve lost my memory.” Zayn laughs wetly, wiping the tears out of his face hastily but his attempt at making a joke out of the situation seems to go to waste because the smile on Harry’s face slips.

“I heard.”

“Shame I remember your face though.” That seems to bring out Harry’s blinding smile again and it gets a chuckle out of him.

They sit in silence for a while, Harry sitting on the edge of the bed as Zayn takes him in. To anyone else Harry probably doesn’t look like he’s aged much in the last few years, but Zayn knows Harry better than anyone else, he’s been there through everything – although he tries not to think of what he now won’t remember – and he can see how Harry’s changed.

The wild overgrown chocolate curls that Harry used to try to tame with some outrageous-looking scarf is gone, now shorter with the curls peeking shyly from behind his ear. The spots that he used to obsess over when he was younger have disappeared as well, replaced with clear tanned skin and a slight stubble on his chin that makes him look more mature.

But his eyes, eventhough they look tired, his eyes are still the same bright green orbs with a freckles of brown dust around the iris. That hasn’t changed and for some reason Zayn holds on to that fact because he doesn’t know what’s happened in the last few years and what if, what if maybe he and Harry aren’t close friends anymore? Maybe that’s the reason why it took him so long to come?

“Stop being an idiot.” Zayn wonders whether he said that last bit out because Harry’s looking at him a little annoyed.

“What?”

“You’re doing that thing where you scrunch up your eyebrows and have a frown on your face whenever you’re going through the worst case scenario in your head.”

That gets a laugh out of Zayn eventhough his throat still feels sore and the vibrations send shooting pains down his chest. “Just wondering...I just, I kept waiting for you to come is all.” The last part just slips out and Zayn wishes he didn’t say it now because it sounds like he's trying to make Harry feel guilty.

“Well it still takes 11 hours to get from LA to London you git.” Harry smiles at Zayn fondly as he watches his best friend’s eyes widen in shock.

“What?”

“Ooh yeaah I forgot, you probably don’t remember,” Harry gives him a cheeky grin before continuing, “I work there now, have so for the last two years.” Zayn can’t help but feel his heart swell with pride because Harry must have finally found something that made him happy; he was always afraid that his fate was resigned to going back to his hometown and working in a quiet little bakery but if he was working in LA – that’s a long way from Holmes Chapel.

But just as fast as the grin appeared on his face, it slips away.

There are so many things that he wants to know, like what’s Harry doing in LA and what’s Zayn doing and does he still live in the same flat and-

“Hey hey,” Harry’s got his hand on Zayn’s arm and he leans forward to look him in the eye, demanding his attention, “We’ll get to it all yeah? But just know that things are good. Everything worked out. For both of us.”

“They say that the amnesia is probably only temporary but…I just, I’ve got so many questions.” And Zayn hopes that Harry can hear the plea in his voice and see the desperation in his eyes because he’s confused, he’s so so confused.

 “I know, and we’ll get through them, yeah? It’s gonna be okay.”

Zayn just nods and holds Harry to his word.

~

With his parents by his side and Harry now here with him as well, Zayn feels content to a certain extent.

He still feels like something is off, because his mum still avoids his eyes sometimes when hers look particularly red and he knows that Harry is holding something back from him because his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes and Zayn knows it’s not because he’s the one lying in a hospital bed with memory loss.

He doesn’t say anything though, because these are two people he trusts more than anyone else in the world, and so he leaves it be, hoping that whatever it is that they’re not saying is for a good reason. It _better_ be a good reason.

His mum fills him in on his family and he’s glad to hear that he hasn’t missed much save a few cousins’ weddings here and there. His heart only breaks a little when he hears about how much he’s missed from Doniya’s life. His niece Amira must be so grown up now and Zayn lets a few tears fall when his mum talks about how well she’s doing in school and all the things she gets up to nowadays.

The last thing he remembers of Amira was a little 3 year old who was just learning her ABCs and content with sitting on her uncle’s lap and drawing random squiggles on a piece of paper.

“Don’t worry love, you’ll see them soon enough” and Zayn thinks that’s the only thing he’s looking forward to when he gets out of here.

It seems Harry’s been put in charge of answering questions about Zayn’s personal life, and so one afternoon on the rare occasion his parents go back to their hotel for some rest, he gets Harry to sit down with him.

“Am I still working the same jobs?” Harry scoffs as if Zayn’s just asked a boring question but hey, he can’t help it, now’s not the time to find out whether he finally decided to go skydiving or whether he had done any other crazy stuff.

“You teach.”

“Are you serious!?” Harry throws his head back and laughs when he sees the shocked look on Zayn’s face. He wanted to be a lot of things, but he never pegged himself to be a teacher.

“Yeah, at a college 20 minutes out of the city. Art and Literature. Hipster subjects, obviously.” Harry rolls his eyes just before Zayn throws his extra pillow at him.

“Wow. Okay. That’s a little…unreal. How did I end up there?” Something flashes across Harry’s face but it’s gone before Zayn gets a chance to read into it. He shrugs, “The chance came along and you couldn’t pass it up.”

Zayn nods, but before he can push any further, there’s a more burning question at the tip of his tongue, “Am I still living in that stupid flat with the paper thin walls now that you’ve gone and ditched me?”

Both of them _hated_ that flat. It was in a rundown building in the middle of the city, and was the only place they could afford with their minimum wage. They used to moan for hours about how they couldn’t wait to upgrade to a better place that had decent heating where they couldn’t hear their elderly neighbours having sex at 10 o’clock in the morning.

“A) No, no, you’ve moved to a much more decent place. Thank God.” There’s something off about Harry’s answer, the way he doesn’t look at Zayn when he says it, focussing on the floor in front of him instead. “And B) I didn’t ditch you, you donut.”

Zayn smirks at him eventhough Harry doesn’t look at him. “What do you do in LA then?”

“I scout new talents for a record company.” That gets his head turning to look at Zayn again, a wide grin plastered on his face.

“Wow, so I guess hipster music is still popular heh?” This time it’s Harry who throws the pillow back at Zayn who laughs fondly at his best friend.

“You enjoying it then?”

“Yeah, I’m really…I’m really loving it Zayn.” The smile on his face is the biggest Zayn’s seen on him in the past few days.

Zayn can hardly believe this is happening. He never would have thought 5 years ago that he’d end up becoming a teacher and Harry was pursuing his dream of being in the music business all the way in LA. How the hell did they figure their lives out when the last he remembers they were barely scraping by?

It’s making his head feel heavy, trying to piece together the jigsaw puzzle of his life, and he knows that it’s going to take more than an afternoon of playing 20 questions to see the full picture but…he’s starting to get frustrated that he feels like a stranger to his own life.

So he decides to focus on Harry instead, because at least hearing about his life gives Zayn a sense of contentment. “How’s the life there?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty great. Sunny.” Zayn laughs at that, because it sounds like such a typical Harry answer, “You came to visit me actually, last summer. You loved it.” Zayn’s too busy feeling amazed to feel upset that he can’t remember it because he’d never actually gotten on a plane and left the country when he was 23.

They talk a little more about Harry’s new life in LA, with Zayn feeling more and more dumbstruck at how different their lives are from when they were fresh out of uni.

“How about me? Am I happy with my own job?”

Harry smiles fondly at him again, “You love it Zayn. I know you never thought about becoming a teacher, but honestly once you started you were such a natural. Plus I think you’re quite popular with your students, what with those pretty eyelashes of yours.” Harry teases him as Zayn rolls his eyes.

“What do I do then, now that you’ve _ditched_ me?” Zayn smiles to himself, wondering if he’s used this fact against Harry before. He sure hopes so because there’s nothing he enjoys more than giving Harry a good guilt trip.

“You’ve…you’ve found a good group of friends.” Harry’s tone suddenly changes to something sombre, “We’ve managed to set up a little family here actually.” Zayn quirks his eyebrow at him, “They’re not here now cause you know…the whole memory thing…but maybe when you’re ready yeah?”

Zayn isn’t sure what to say, so he simply nods. Everything he’s learnt about his new life today sounds so foreign to him and he doesn’t feel like it’s even _his_ life.

It doesn’t even occur to him that he didn’t ask Harry anything about his love life.

~

 “Harry, how did I get into this accident?”

It’s been four days since the accident and Zayn’s still waiting for someone to tell him what exactly happened. His mum and Harry conveniently skirt around the topic, focussing more on updating him on menial things like where the old kebab shop in Bradford’s moved to or who’s won on The X-Factor.

Harry sighs as if he’s been waiting for this question all along, and Zayn can read his face like a book, sees the way his face falls and looks guilty.

“You were on your way home from dinner. Some drunk didn’t look where he was going and he ran a red light, slamming into your car.” Harry’s got his fists clenched and Zayn feels a wave of affection for his best friend’s protective nature.

“The nurse…she mentioned someone else was driving the car…Horan or something…” Zayn can’t really remember, the conversation a foggy painkiller-induced haze, but he knows for sure that she mentioned that he was in a car with someone and the driver was seriously hurt.

Harry has his head in his hands and nods slowly. When he looks back up at Zayn, his green eyes no longer look bright and playful as they normally do, instead he sees sorrow.

“Niall was driving your car.” Zayn frowns, he doesn’t know who this person is but he must be a good friend or someone from their ‘little family’ that Harry mentioned the other day because Harry looks upset and Zayn realises that he’s got tears in his eyes. “He’s…he’s in bad shape. Think he took most of the force of the accident…he’s been in a coma ever since he got out of surgery.”

“Who is he? Was he a friend of ours?” There’s a sinking feeling in Zayn’s stomach, he doesn’t know where it’s come from and he doesn’t know why it’s there.

Harry gives him a sad smile, and when he speaks his voice is clear but Zayn can still see how Harry suddenly looks defeated and broken and he doesn’t understand why.

“He’s your boyfriend, Zayn.”

~

Zayn stays silent for a long time, looking out of the window as a thousand thoughts run through his head.

It was one thing to think that this faceless person that was in the accident with him was just a friend, an acquaintance that he didn’t really remember, but boyfriend…that Zayn was having difficulty to cope with.

He searches through his mind for any memory, and goddamn image but he can’t, how could he forget that he has a boyfriend? Someone who’s fighting for his own life at this very instance?

Harry doesn’t move from his seat, just sits there and waits because he knows Zayn, he knows that he needs some time to process this and that he’d want Harry to be there when he was ready to hear all the answers to his questions.

“Tell me…tell me from the start Haz.” It breaks Harry’s heart to see the confusion in Zayn’s eyes, and the plea in his voice as he struggles to come to grips with the situation. Harry gets up to sit on the edge of Zayn’s bed, his concern hiding under the encouraging smile on his face that’s never wavering, as he tries to figure out how to help his best friend piece together 5 years of his life that he might not get back.

He bites his lip, deep in thought, looking like he’s choosing his words carefully.

“You met him four years ago. He came into the pub one evening, happened to sit next to you and listened while you were whining to me about how much our lives sucked. For some reason that didn’t scare him away, apparently it interested him even more, plus he oddly enough was attracted to that hideous blonde streak you had in your hair that time.” Harry gives out a chuckle, and Zayn can’t help kicking him in his thigh for his teasing. “From that moment on, he did everything he could to make your life better. I remember a few months after, you ran into my room jumping on my bed at 3 in the morning because you realised that you were in love with him.” Harry’s face changes at the memory, his smile reaching the edges of his eyes. “Apparently he felt the same way too, because you moved in with him 8 months later and you’ve been together since. Celebrated your 4 year anniversary a few months ago, I think sent me a sickeningly cute picture.” Harry shakes his head fondly, before he looks at Zayn with concern.

He gives Zayn a minute to process everything before saying, “Zayn, I’ve never seen you happier. You’ve got a job you enjoy, and you’re so in love with someone who feels the same way about you.” He looks away, playing with the edges of the hospital blanket. “I wouldn’t have left London if I didn’t know you were gonna be alright here.”

There’s so much Harry’s left unsaid, but Zayn’s grateful that he doesn’t say anything more because he’s overwhelmed with all of this as it is.

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier? How come it never came up once before?” Zayn’s not angry, just a little hurt. It’s a big thing, having a serious relationship for the last four years being hidden from him, considering he was only into one night stands and casual flings before that.

 “No one…we didn’t know how to Zayn. Your mum knew something was wrong from the beginning because you…” Harry pauses, running his fingers through his hair and rubbing the sides of his face, “The first person you asked about was me, not Niall. So she didn’t say anything, she just waited for you to ask about him, and when you didn’t she…” Harry just shrugs and Zayn thinks about all those times his mum looked at him with worry in her eyes, as if waiting for him to say something.

“They were waiting for me to come to tell you…but I guess…I guess I was also waiting to see if you would remember it yourself…”

Zayn just keeps quiet.

“And he’s still…he’s still in a coma…we just thought it’d be too much for you.”

He doesn’t know what to say, how to react. So he doesn’t say anything, turns his head the other way and ignores Harry for the rest of the afternoon.

~

Zayn wakes up to the sound of shouting outside his hospital room. The sun is shining outside and the little rays that escape through the blinds on the window illuminate his empty room.

“What do you mean I can’t see him!? He’s got to see me to know if he remembers me!”

There’s more shouting before the door opens a minute later and Harry peeks his head in. “Heyyy you’re awake!”

“What’s the commotion?” Harry looks at him hesitantly as he walks towards the bed. His hair looks unruly and almost the way Zayn remembers it to be, he’s been sleeping in the hospital giving a break to Zayn’s parents and has barely gone back to his own flat except to have a shower and a quick change of clothes.

“It’s Lou- Louis and Liam. They want to see you. I won’t…it’s okay if you don’t want to see them?” He says it like a question, and Zayn wants to say no, but there’s something about the way Harry looks, his shoulders sunken and his eyes tired that makes him reluctant to.

Harry told him about them last night after he calmed down a bit, though Zayn refused to talk about Niall again, although Harry had to mention him when he said that they actually met Liam and Louis through Niall, and the two completed their 5-piece family.

Zayn’s really not in favour of having an awkward meeting with these friends that he can’t remember. But he thinks maybe, maybe if he sees them it would help to trigger his memory. So he gives Harry a little nod, who looks at him gratefully and gives his ankle a little squeeze before going to the door and letting the two guys in.

When Harry described Liam, he said that he looked like a young version of the old David Beckham. And Zayn can’t help but feel the upwards pull of his mouth because the first guy that walks in looks exactly like that. He’s got a sharp jaw that’s covered in a 2-day stubble, arms stretching the sleeves of his flannel shirt where Zayn can see some sort of tattoo peeking out of, his hands tucked into a pair of rugged jeans that look ripped more from wear and tear rather than some trendy design. There’s a warmth in his brown eyes, and a comforting smile on his face as he looks at Zayn.

The guy that comes in behind him must be Louis then, this thin guy with a head of brown hair that has a natural bedhead look going on with a long fringe that lies flat across his forehead, making the sky blue in his eyes pop out. He’s wearing a black jumper that looks 2 sizes too big for him with grey sweatpants and there’s something unsettling about the sadness mixed with exhaustion that’s etched across his face. Both of them, Zayn notices, look like they need a good night’s sleep.

“Hey mate.” Liam speaks first, and Zayn can’t help but mirror the smile that’s greeting him.

He stares at them for a moment. Louis looking at him expectantly, his hands gripping the bedframe so tight Zayn can see the white in his knuckles. There’s hope in his eyes and he’s standing up straight, as if he was bracing himself from coming any closer to Zayn.

He looks at both of them intently, trying to feel something, anything…but it only makes his head feel dizzy.  

“I’m sorry…” Louis’s face drops and Liam’s body goes tense. “I can’t remember you two.” He looks down at his hands because he can’t look at them, he can’t see the disappointment on their faces.

He feels someone rubbing his ankle reassuringly and Zayn think it’s Harry until he looks up to see it’s Liam, who’s earlier stiffness has gone and instead he’s got a sparkle in his eyes and concern on his face. “It’s okay mate, you’ve been through a lot, I’m sure it’ll come back to you eventually.” Zayn feels a sense of relief, the tension in his body leaving him, and he thinks it’s because of that comforting smile on Liam’s face and Zayn might not remember him but there’s something calming about him that Zayn can’t help but think, _yeah, yeah I can see how you’d fit in my_ life.

A few minutes pass in silence, no one saying anything, maybe because they’re not sure what to say, before Harry breaks the awkwardness. “Louis here works with you at the college.” He’s been quiet the whole time, which Zayn guesses is unusual because Harry’s told him Louis was the kind of guy that could talk your ear off. Harry gives Louis a little nudge, as if encouraging him to speak up.

“Yeah, I teach drama.” Louis's face softens, his shoulders now loose as he comes to sit at the edge of Zayn’s bed. “You always help me with the end of school year play cause you’re the Literature genius aren’t ya?” There’s a lighthearted tone to his voice, and if Zayn could look closer at his face, he’d probably see Louis’s blue eyes twinkling.

There’s a bit more of an awkward silence for a while before Louis speaks up again. “I know this probably don’t mean much to you now but, your students really miss you.”

“Bet you never thought that would happen hey?” Harry’s got a fond look on his face, but he’s still looking at Zayn carefully, searching his face for any signs of discomfort or cause for concern.

“Yeah well I’m pretty sure they only listen to you cause you’re so pretty to look at.” Louis nudges his elbow against Zayn’s leg and he realises that Louis is teasing him. He wishes he had a comeback for him, could tease him back or say something witty, but he doesn’t, because he doesn’t know Louis and he isn’t sure what to say.

He almost feels like a deer that’s been caught in headlights right then. He wants to be polite, he wants to give them a chance, and maybe deep down he wants to get to know them better as well. But the problem is that when he looks at them, he doesn’t see “Liam and Louis, our best friends who’ve become like our brothers and would do anything for us” that Harry described to him last night. He just sees two normal blokes, people he thought would maybe trigger his memory but he feels nothing.

“We’ve got a bit of a reputation in the school. Always skiving off and making fun of the students in assembly, you’re always helping me with my playscripts as well.”

 “Yeah that’s cause you’re absolute shit at grammar babe.” Liam says as he places his hand on Louis’s hipbone, the little squeeze he gives not missing Zayn’s eyes.  

“Yeah well didn’t need to use any words to pull you did I?” and _oh_ , Harry never mentioned that they were a couple.

They banter back and forth, talking over each other and fighting about things that Zayn doesn’t understand. It’s worse when Harry gets caught up in it as well and he watches the three of them joking around and teasing each other about bad habits and stupid experiences and if there’s one thing that he gets, Zayn understands what Harry meant when he said that they’ve formed a family that the both of them used to crave so often when they first moved to London. Zayn can see how well Liam and Louis fit with Harry, because while he’s always been open and friendly, he only lets certain people into his life wholeheartedly.

And Zayn probably fits into their dynamic as well. But now he doesn’t. Now he can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy. It starts in the pit of his stomach and before long he’s shaking with anger. How dare these people come in and act like they’re completely comfortable with each other when Zayn is still trying to figure it out and understand this mess he’s got himself into.

“I…I’d like to be alone please.”

The room goes silent immediately as the three of them look at him in surprise. Harry’s face looks intense with worry and suddenly Zayn feels bad but he can’t take it anymore, his head is beginning to ache again and all he wants to do is take a nap and hope that when he wakes up he’s somehow got his memory back because that would make everything so much more easier and make him feel less shitty.

“It’s just, sorry but, I’m just really tired. A lot to take in yeah…” he turns his head away from them and stares out the window, avoiding the concerned looks on their faces.

“Yeah, yeah of course.” Zayn doesn’t need to look at him to know that it’s Liam voice, and it only messes with Zayn’s head more when he realises he recognises something different in his tone: hurt.

“I’m sorry.” It’s probably too quiet for the other boys to hear as they’re shuffling out, but Zayn says it anyway hoping that it would make him feel less guilty.

~

They still come and visit every day after that, and Harry mentions that they spend most of their time outside Niall’s room in the ICU. They tread carefully with him, always asking with caution about how he’s feeling.

Zayn entertains them for as long as he can stand it, asking them basic questions about their lives that he asks out of formality rather than curiosity. He talks to Liam the most, because there’s a gentleness about him that makes Zayn feel at ease and not intimidated.

Liam’s a music producer, working at the same record company as Niall and Harry, and he has a way of distracting Zayn with a story about a stuck up new artist or some scandal that’s happening in some musician’s life. He looks tough on the outside, the whole macho look going for him, but underneath it all Zayn thinks he exudes warmth the way he gently talks to him and never pushes too much, always patient when Zayn’s too fed up to talk.

It’s different with Louis. Zayn isn’t sure why but he suspects that it's because of the fact that they work together, and spend so much time with each other at the school, so anything that Louis says would be related to Zayn in some way so he instantly gets defensive, because he should know all this.

Louis tends to act awkward and frustrated, as if he wants to say something but isn’t sure how Zayn will take it and ends up getting annoyed himself. He’ll blurt out something that rubs Zayn the wrong way and that always ends up with Zayn giving him the cold shoulder for the rest of their visit which in turn makes Louis sulky and short with everyone else before Liam decides to usher him out of the room with an apologetic look.

He can’t help it, he doesn’t remember these people that Harry describes to him as his best friends. He’s never shared his life with anyone else except Harry. Boyfriends and girlfriends have come and gone because he’s never been in a relationship for longer than a few months.

Until Niall.

And even that he can’t even bring himself to believe, not yet.

~

Most days Zayn wakes up with a headache that starts in the mid-morning that becomes so unbearable in the afternoon that he has to beg the nurses for painkillers that knock him out for the next couple of hours until the night. He doesn’t mind so much, because that means he avoids talking to anyone that comes to visit him.

He gives up asking about his new life, because every new information feels foreign to him and only makes his headache worse the more he thinks about it so he shuts down the minute anyone starts offering information whether he asks for it or not.

“They say he’s doing well now love. His vitals are stable and he seems to be responding to the treatment. He’s still relying on the oxygen now though…oh but he’s a fighter Zayn, I’m sure he’s going to get through this.”

Zayn zones out his mum’s voice and focuses on the television screen although he’s sure he isn’t paying any attention to it either. His mum was constantly trying to bring Niall up in every conversation. After Louis and Liam’s visit the other day Harry knew it was a sensitive topic but even he couldn’t help let it slip every now and then about Niall’s condition. Zayn knew each time Harry left his hospital room for a period of time, he was going two floors up to the ICU where Niall was. Even the nurses were dropping updates on Niall’s condition every time they came to check on him or give him his medication.

It was starting to get annoying because they were all telling him as if they expected him to care but he really didn’t, as harsh as it sounds, because even if Niall was meant to be his boyfriend, in his mind he was still pretty single. And it pissed him off how everyone looked at him expectantly each time they talked about Niall as if mentioning his name would trigger Zayn’s memories back.

“Sooner or later he’ll be shining his bright smile at us love. You always said he was the stronger of you two-“

“Mum, stop it.” Zayn was practically glaring at her and he sees the look of hurt that flashes across her face, feeling only slightly guilty as he watches her lips purse in a thin line.

“I’m sorry, I know this must be hard.”

“That’s what everyone keeps saying but it really isn’t Mum. I just don’t want to hear about him, it’s as simple as that.” Zayn finally snaps at her, immediately feeling guilty when he sees the tears that spring to her eyes but he’s so overcome with anger that he doesn’t care.

“But Zayn…”

“Mum.”

That ends it. It doesn’t help that she gives him that look he’s been getting from everyone. As if she felt sorry for him, sorry for losing the last 5 years of his life, sorry for not remembering his boyfriend…

He looks away before he feels more ashamed.

~

Three weeks after the accident Zayn is cleared to leave the hospital. His doctor is confident that the memory loss is only temporary, and thinks that going back to familiar surroundings might help him.

He was adamant against going back to the flat he apparently shared with Niall, so in the end they decided that he’d spend a few days in London with Harry while his parents went back to Bradford to get the house ready for him.

The sun is high in the sky and the clouds are nowhere in sight as Zayn basks in the warmth of the day outside the hospital while waiting for Harry to come round with the car. He’s just standing there, itching for a cigarette when he hears someone shouting his name.

“Zayn!” He looks over his shoulder towards the hospital entrance and sees Louis running towards him, Liam following behind.

It’s with regret that Zayn turns to look at them, because he’s been avoiding them over the past week, getting his mum and Harry to make excuses that he was too tired or was sleeping though he’s pretty sure Harry would have told them the truth anyway.

He might not remember these people but there’s an unpleasant feeling in his gut that he knows what they’re going to say.

“Aren’t you going to at least come and see him mate?” Louis asks, and it’s probably the first time Zayn’s heard Louis address him sincerely since the first time he’s met him. Louis’s voice isn’t laced with patience anymore, he’s no longer tiptoeing around Zayn’s feelings and there’s anger in his voice that he’s not trying to conceal.

But when Zayn looks up into Louis’s blue eyes, they seem to be pleading, reaching out to him as a last effort. Liam follows behind him silently, and for the first time Zayn can’t find comfort in his eyes, instead there’s sadness, and disappointment written all over his face.

Zayn looks down, unwilling to let them see the shame on his face, shuffling his feet, wishing he had a cigarette now because he doesn’t want to deal with all this. “I don’t think that’s a good idea to be honest.”

“Come on Z,” it’s surprising, maybe even a little heartwarming, when he hears Louis using the affectionate nickname normally reserved for his sister and Harry. “I don’t know, at least…” and Louis’s voice breaks and Zayn’s heart drops at the sound of that, the despair reaching through and rattling his bones like a cold winter breeze, “At least come see him, you don’t even have to stay for long…just let him know you’re okay yeah? Let him listen to your voice…anything that would help him to wake up…please Z…”

Zayn’s shaking his head before he even realises it, a rush of emotions going through him and suddenly the thought of seeing Niall is making his heart race and he’s confused and he’s starting to feel unsteady on his feet.

He wants to help, because he’s not completely heartless, he knows that it’s not only him that’s been affected by this accident, that Liam and Louis, even Harry, all have something to lose in this situation. A little voice at the back of his head whispers _you too, he’s someone you’re supposed to be in love_ with…but somehow…he can’t bring himself to.

“No, no I can’t, I’m sorry.” Harry pulls up just then and Zayn rushes to open the car door, trying to escape from this situation before they try to persuade him anymore.

“You know what, fuck you!” he hears Louis shout just as he’s about to get in, and Zayn pauses to flinch at how bitter his voice sounds. He turns back to look at them, desperately wanting to explain to them, to let them know that it’s too much, that he can’t wrap his head around all of this, that he’s sorry, _so so sorry_ but-

“Lou!” Liam is gripping onto Louis’s elbow and pulling him from running to the car. Louis suddenly looks smaller than his build, drowning in his oversized jumper, his shoulders hunched like he’s been punched in the gut and his eyes have an eerie blank expression as they stare at Zayn. When he realises Zayn isn’t making any moves to come back into the hospital, he shakes his head as Harry walks over, standing in front of him and Liam and whispering something to them that Zayn can’t hear. He squeezes Louis’s shoulders and nods at Liam before turning back to the car.

“Take care, Zayn.” Liam gives him a small nod and suddenly Zayn misses the warmth he used to hear in Liam’s voice.

As Harry drives away, Zayn watches the two figures in his side mirror walk back into the hospital. He tries to push down the feeling in the pit of his stomach that maybe, maybe he’s acting like a coward.

~

Harry’s new apartment isn’t too different than their old one, basically just has better heating, thicker walls and is in a nicer part of London. Zayn takes in the living room surroundings while Harry goes about making sure his spare bedroom was presentable because apparently no one had really slept there since he’s moved in except his sister Gemma whenever she comes to visit.

It should probably disturb Zayn that he can’t find anything familiar in Harry’s flat from when they used to live together but it doesn’t really upset him. Because everything from the furniture to the art on the walls to the random bits and bobs scattered around the room is so typically Harry.

He does get overwhelmed with affection when he notices that Harry’s kept the old vintage bookshelf that Zayn bought him with his first paycheque after the one that they saved from the rubbish tip collapsed in itself. He recognises the books that are overflowing from the shelves, knows that most of them are autobiographies of musical legends and sports heroes, eventhough Harry isn’t much of a sportsperson.

There are stacks of vinyl records next to the shelf that Zayn knows Harry’s been collecting ever since his stepdad got him a vintage record player when he was 16, and he’s excited to see it sitting in the corner on top of an elegant wooden table.

There’s a pillow and a blanket thrown messily over the sofa and Zayn realises that Harry’s probably only been back for a quick kip in the nights since he spends all his time at the hospital. He smiles fondly imagining Harry curled up in between the layers of soft material, snoring softly the way he usually does when he’s dead tired.

There are unwashed mugs strewn over the coffee table and Zayn chuckles when he sees the one with a Manchester United logo on it. Harry has broken a lot of mugs in the time they lived together but he has taken very good care of this particular one so carefully all because it was a housewarming gift from his sister.

His eyes fall on something next to the television, his legs carrying him towards it before he even realises, and suddenly he’s picking up the photo frame and staring at it.

It’s a beach shot, somewhere with clear blue skies and soft brown sand with the bright sunrays captured in the top left corner. He recognises Liam and Louis sitting on the sand in their swimming shorts with Harry sprawled across their legs, all of them smiling widely as if it was snapped in the middle of something amusing. It reminds him of how comfortable they were with each other at the hospital, a bond that he’s meant to be a part of but can’t be…not now anyway.

He’s sitting next to them, his mouth forming a wide smile with his tongue pressed against his teeth – Harry calls it his “blindingly happy smile”, the one that only comes out when he’s feeling an overwhelming sense of happiness when he’s with the people he loves. His hazel brown eyes are looking wide and his hands outstretched, as if reaching out to the camera.

He lets out an involuntary gasp when he finally sees him. The camera’s caught the sun’s rays right where he’s seated behind Zayn, obscuring most of his face but Zayn can still make out the blonde hair attached to the head that’s nuzzling into the side of Zayn’s face. There’s an amused smile on his lips, his pale arms circling Zayn’s waist, chest pressed flush to his back.

“Niall.”

He feels like he’s been holding his breath, finally letting it out when he says his name out loud. This is the first time Zayn’s seen him, aside from hearing the descriptions from his mum and Harry, and Zayn thinks nothing they said could have done this image of Niall justice.

He can’t stop staring at the bright blue eyes that look like they’re sparkling in the sunshine, crinkled around the edges because he’s smiling so wide, and he looks so happy, the way he fits perfectly between the indents of Zayn’s body.

He looks absolutely beautiful.

“Niall.” He says it again, testing how the name feels like on his tongue.

He feels a hand on his shoulder and turns to see Harry looking at him, eyes wide and curious, “Do you…do you remember?” Zayn can’t ignore the look of hope he has on his face and hates that he’s to blame for the impending disappointment that will replace it.

“No…but it had to be him right?” he replies with a sarcastic tinge in his tone.

He puts the frame down and the day’s exhaustion washes over him. “I think I’m gonna go lie down mate.”

Harry just nods and leads him to the spare room that looks empty save for the Queen sized bed and bedside table next to it. Zayn feels relieved at the sight, because at least it means that there’s nothing there that might confuse him or make him feel guilty for not remembering.

“Zayn…” Harry starts, and Zayn looks at him praying he doesn’t start talking about what happened at the hospital or about Niall or all these things that he just can’t process yet.

So he feel relieved when instead Harry pulls him into a hug, his arms going round Zayn’s shoulders and crushing him to his chest. It hurts, how tightly Harry is holding onto him, but at the same time it calms Zayn down, it grounds him and Zayn knows, Zayn knows this is Harry’s way of conveying all the words he’s not saying, not because he doesn’t want to, but because he can’t.

They pull apart after a few minutes and Harry drops a light kiss on his forehead before turning and closing the door behind him.

Zayn drops onto the bed, closes his eyes, and falls asleep immediately. But not before an image of bright blue eyes flash through his mind.

~

When he wakes up three hours later, it takes him a moment to recognise his surroundings and realise that he’s not in the hospital anymore.

He comes out to find Harry busy in the kitchen preparing dinner. “Need any help?”

Harry turns at Zayn’s voice and gives him a wide grin as he continues to cut up some vegetables for what looks like a stirfry. “Nah, it’s alright. Sit down, had a good nap?”

Zayn appreciates that Harry treats him like normal, like he’s got perfectly good memory, and it’s easy for him to think that nothing has changed, that they’re still just the same two mates struggling to find a proper job after uni all those years ago. They stay in silence for a few moments before Harry puts a cup of hot tea in front of Zayn.

“So tell me then, what have you been up to in the past 5 years?” Harry’s barely told him anything about his new life in LA, except that he works for a record company and that there’s a delicious bagel shop just round the corner from his gym.

He simply shrugs in response, but Zayn can see the way his eyes light up and the smile that’s threatening to split his face open.

So Zayn decides to give him a little push, to let him know that it’s okay to be excited about telling his best friend about his life.

“How did you finally break into the industry? I mean the last I remember you were trying to do it for two years with no luck, slaving your days away at the bakery during the day and the pub at night and absolutely hating every minute of it.”

Harry’s smile falters, his sparkling green eyes suddenly dimming. Zayn gets a bad feeling in his gut, and he knows Harry is going to tell him something he doesn’t want to hear.

“Well, it was with Niall’s help actually,” and Zayn tries not to let the smile on his face slip, “he’s actually a sound engineer at the company, and he got me a job there too. Nothing big, just a small internship in the beginning. You had to put up with my whinging about getting coffees every day and doing the photocopying instead of anything music-related.” Zayn lets out a loud chuckle because he can perfectly imagine Harry coming home and complaining about the mundane tasks given to him throughout the day.

“But I worked hard for about a year, and eventually it paid off because at the end of it I was signed on as an agent.” Zayn chuckles as he hears how Harry used to bombard his boss every Monday with a new act he heard at some indie gig over the weekend. He remembers being dragged to them all the time and being the only one who was willing to listen to Harry going on and on about how great the music was.

“About a year and a half ago they told me they wanted someone based in LA and that they were considering me for the job and…mate I couldn’t believe it, I mean I’d barely been working there for two years and they were giving me this huge opportunity.”

Zayn is so happy for him, he can see the joy that’s in his face just thinking back to being offered the job and he thinks no one else deserved it more than Harry.

“I hope I brought you out and gave you a huge celebration.”

“I actually called you and I didn’t say anything cause I was in shock.” Harry leans back and laughs at the memory now. “I think I hung up after mumbling about and you got so worried you had to call Ni-“ Zayn’s smile drops, but he plasters it back on quickly because this is Harry’s story…and he doesn’t want to spoil it, so he nods his head and smiles encouragingly, holding tightly onto his mug to stop his hands from shaking.

Harry’s voice goes soft. “You called him to find out what happened and he…he practically ran into a meeting I was having with the boss and created such a ruckus I was so sure that they were gonna revoke the job.” Harry smiles wearily and Zayn is hit with that feeling again, of wishing he knew, that he knew all of it without having someone to fill in the holes.

Harry quickly moves on to talk about LA as the two boys continue to sip on their teas. Zayn’s so happy for his best friend, because this is what he always wanted, his dreams were always bigger than London, and now he had it all. The happiness on his face is contagious and before long Zayn finds himself laughing and smiling just as much as Harry is.

“So you finally found a job that lets you wear those band shirts every day as a uniform.” Zayn chuckles as Harry swats at his arm, taking both their cups to the sink.

They eat dinner in front of the tv, just like old times, and Harry thinks about how it’s been so long since they’ve done this, just the two of them together, although he wishes it was under better circumstances.

Zayn looks relaxed and at peace for the first time since he woke up from the accident, but every now and then his eyes fall on the photo next to the tv and he’s reminded about how things have changed, and he isn’t sure whether they’ll ever be the same again.

~

They don’t talk about the elephant in the room. Zayn never asks Harry to fill in the holes that are inexplicably getting bigger and threatening to swallow him up and Harry pretends like he doesn’t know how much his best friend is suffering. He wants to wait it out and let Zayn come to him in his own time, because that’s the way Zayn works. He’ll push you away if you try to help him, always wanting to figure things out by himself before asking anyone else.

Niall changed that. He would resort to locking the both of them in the toilet if it meant it would get Zayn to talk. Once they were late to dinner by an hour because Zayn had a rough day at work and refused to talk about it and so Niall refused to leave until he did. They had to come, it was Harry’s birthday dinner after all.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Zayn’s standing outside the bedroom in a pair of Harry’s sweatpants and a shirt he’s sure belongs to Liam. He’s just woken up, but the bags under his eyes haven’t disappeared and the scruff on his face makes him look older than his 28 years.

Harry just shakes his head at him and goes over to ruffle his hair before suggesting they go out for breakfast. He just hopes that Zayn reaches out to him soon, but he’ll be right here waiting to pick up all the pieces.

~

Zayn wakes up in the mornings to find the apartment empty, and he usually has a headache that forces him back into bed but when he wakes up the second time just after noon, Harry’s usually returned with a bag of takeaway for lunch. They spend their afternoons watching tv, catching up on movies, listening to music. Harry shows him some of the bands that he’s managing on YouTube and Zayn’s pretty impressed by how good they all sound.

Sometimes Zayn will watch a scene in a movie and he’ll know what’s going to happen next. The problem is that he doesn’t know whether it’s because the plot is predictable or whether he remembers it subconsciously. It annoys him to wit’s end, and he ends up making some excuse halfway through the movie to escape for a cigarette break and takes longer than needed.

Zayn was initially meant to go back to Bradford after staying in London for a few days but Harry had to return to LA in a week and Zayn decided to just stay with him until he left.

The truth of it was that he felt normal with Harry. It might not be their old ratty apartment with the terrible heating and the horrible musty smell but it was enough to not make him feel like the ground had shifted under his feet. Harry was still the same as he remembers, they were both the same two people eventhough their lives had taken different turns since Zayn was 23, and he was happy living in this bubble where everything felt okay.

The nights normally go by in a fitful sleep, Zayn tossing and turning and never getting comfortable. He wakes up randomly in cold sweat, his mind trying to remember what he was dreaming about but never able to break through the haze. He sneaks out to the balcony, going through half a carton of cigarettes hoping it’ll clear his mind but he always returns to bed feeling more unsettled, the smell of smoke providing not much comfort.

Some nights he paces around Harry’s living room, going through his records, reading the biographies of Johnny Cash and Freddie Mercury, and then rearranging the titles alphabetically. By the end of the of his stay, Zayn’s practically reorganised Harry’s books, cd and vinyl record collection.  

When Harry asks him about it, he just shrugs and shoves his fingers into the pockets of his sweatpants because he doesn’t want Harry to notice how much he’s fidgeting, how his fingers are constantly craving for a cigarette.

~

Zayn wakes up one morning without the familiar throb in his head as he often does these days. He gets up and brushes his teeth, feeling unsettled at the way his mind seems to be as clear as the sky after a heavy downpour.

He goes to make his coffee when he thinks, fuck it, he wants to get out of the flat. They’ve been staying in every day since he’s been back from the hospital, Harry mostly doing all the grocery shopping and buying them food while Zayn coops himself up in the four walls.

But today Zayn feels the walls closing in, and as if he’s suddenly struck by a bout of claustrophobia he quickly grabs one of Harry’s leather jackets and turns to head out the door. He doesn’t bother changing, figures the sweatpants and shirt he’s got under the jacket is decent enough, and he’s only planning to go for a quick walk anyway, get some fresh air, smoke some cigarettes.

He goes to the little basket of keys that’s kept right next to the door, figures Harry would have kept a spare key to the flat there like they used to do. He thinks he’s found them until he reads the label on the set of keys.

_n+z_

He stares at them in his hands for a while before curiosity finally gets the better of him. He remembers seeing an address written on his hospital release forms and he quickly walks to where he knows Harry’s kept them. It doesn’t take him long to find it, but he’s surprised nonetheless by what he sees.

 _Emergency Contact details:_  
Niall Horan  
23C, Middleton Flats  
Windsor Street  
DR65 2EP London

When Zayn pressed Harry for details on where he lived, he received a vague answer, “You’ve got a beautiful 3 bedroom flat.” _With Niall_ was left unsaid.

He gives the address to the taxi driver and throughout the whole ride his fidgeting gets worse. He can’t keep his leg still and his headache is threatening to make an appearance. The buildings and streets outside go by in a blur because all Zayn sees are the words on the paper over and over.

 _Relationship to patient:_  
Partner

The taxi pulls up outside what looks like a building that used to be an old fire station, renovated to fit townhouse apartments. He’s a little surprised, because it looks way too expensive to be maintained on a teacher’s salary. But then he remembers that Niall’s a sound engineer who probably earns quite a bit, and he tries to ignore the unsettling feeling in his stomach again.

When he gets in the lift, he presses the third floor button on instinct. The second after he does that he realises that there was no way for him to know which floor to go to because the address didn’t say. He keeps staring at the button as the realisation sinks in and it isn’t until someone else in the lift tells him that they’ve reached his floor that he snaps himself out of his thoughts.

He mumbles a thanks to the man before getting out and walks through the corridor as if in a daze, his legs carrying him across the wooden floors until he stands outside a door. He tries the key and it fits, opening instantly. He didn’t even have to look at the flat number to know which one was his.

Zayn gently pushes the door open and takes a deep breath to prepare himself for what he’s about to see. He stands at the entrance as he takes everything in, but there’s an odd sense of familiarity that settles in his stomach eventhough he isn’t sure what to expect.

The entrance opens up to a spacious living room where the curtains are drawn open, the light coming in from the windows shining bright against the surroundings. There’s a musty smell lingering in the air, mixed with undertones of cigarette smoke and something that smells like musk.

There are shoes lined up neatly next to the door. A few pairs of Supras and Converse sneakers lie next to a pair of ratty looking boots that Zayn knows must be his. In front of the tv that’s on the wall, there’s a dark grey L-shaped sofa and two bean bags that are surrounding a wooden coffee table, used mugs left forgotten on coasters and magazines messily placed. There’s a guitar lying on the sofa half hidden under a dark blue and green afghan, and there’s a comforting warmth that spreads through Zayn’s limbs when he recognises it as the one his mum gave him when he first moved to London.

The warmth only spreads through his body even more when he walks over to the coffee table to find a book lying open face down; “ _To Kill a Mockingbird”_ and he lets out a gasp because it’s his, it’s the one his Auntie Maryam bought him for his 14th birthday, the book that made him fall in love with reading and eventually was the inspiration to him taking up English Lit at university. He thumbs through it fondly, smiling at the folded edges where he’s dog-eared most of the yellow-stained pages.

He sees more of them, notices the books he’s collected over the years, scattered on almost every flat surface. He wasn’t the type to have a bookshelf, instead piling them up wherever he could easily reach them.

There are so many photos hanging on the walls and in frames placed around the shelves and tables in the expanse living room but he can’t bring himself to look at them in detail because he knows he’ll see a pair of ocean blue eyes looking back at him in most of them, if not all. He does catch glimpses of Harry in a lot of them though, even sees his family smiling in some.

There’s an abstract painting hanging next the tv and the longer he stares at it the more he can’t believe what he’s seeing. It rattles Zayn so much because he’s seen it before, in fact he knows it all too well. It’s half a wolf’s face and half a man’s face painted in black surrounded by a burst of water colours. It’s one of the first drawings that Zayn ever did, and over the years he used to add onto it over and over, darkening the lines across the white pages. But now he sees a bigger version of it in front of him, and he doesn’t believe that it’s something he’s painted until something catches his eyes in the corner of the canvas.

_zm_

He feels like the wind’s been knocked out of his lungs as his fingers trace his initials that have been written in charcoal.

Zayn turns away quickly, the motion causing blood to rush up his head that makes him feel a little lightheaded. He steadies himself against the wall, but suddenly he feels like he’s having an out of body experience, his surroundings blurring out and an Irish voice ringing in his head.

_“We’ve got to hang this up babe”_

_“Nah, it’s crap Niall I don’t want it up”_

_“Shut up I love it and I want everyone to see how talented my boyfriend is”_

He’s squeezing his eyes shut but all he sees behind his eye lids are a pair of blue eyes in front of him with a blinding smile.

The throb that’s started in his head now starts to get stronger and his head is dizzy so Zayn takes a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He walks towards the kitchen and practically runs to the sink to splash his face with some water. He grabs a pint glass from the cupboard and fills it with water when he realises something.

_He knew where the kitchen was instantly. He knew where the glasses were kept._

For some reason he remembers a bunch of breathing exercises that Doniya was doing when she was pregnant with Amira, and he focuses on doing it right now to calm himself down.

When his breathing has slowed down a bit, he takes a look around the small kitchen that he’s standing in. Right next to the fridge is a small narrow pillar that’s been painted in chalkboard and there are little notes and silly drawings all over that he can’t take his eyes away from.

_my boyfriend’s a dick he won’t make me bfast_

_DINNER WITH LEEMOOO NEXT WED 7PM_

_babe remember to get coffee_

_HARRY USA - +115904592234_

_rember: babysitting mira next weekend!!!_

Zayn tears his eyes away from the wall because he can’t keep reading all these silly messages, he almost feels like he’s invading Niall’s privacy, although technically he isn’t really, cause he lives here too and Zayn starts to feel overwhelmed again, getting out of the kitchen as fast as he can to avoid another panic attack.  

His headache is back and he’s starting to feel stuffy being in this space that feels like it hasn’t had a burst of fresh air escaping in through an open window in days.

Zayn knows he should probably head back to Harry’s, because he isn’t sure how long he’s been out of the house now and the battery on his phone is flat and if Harry was home already he’d be worrying his head off since Zayn didn’t even think to leave a message.

But the problem is he’s still curious about looking through the flat, he’s felt more emotions being in here than he’s felt ever since he first found out about his memory loss. So he keeps going, walking through the hallway from the living room and opens the first door that he sees.

It doesn’t look like the master bedroom, but there’s a queen-sized bed in the centre against a wall with two bedside tables on either side of it and it looks small and cosy and lived in. The blankets are messily thrown back and there’s various clothes lying on the floor.

When Zayn walks in he’s hit with the lingering smell of old spice, cinnamon and musk. It’s scaring him, because there’s something familiar about the scent, almost comforting, but he can’t put his finger on it.

There’s another painting above the bed, a 14x14 white canvas with a simple drawing of a bull or a ram in black paint. He doesn’t need to search for the initials to know that it’s another one that he’s done, and there’s something about this one that sends a wave of emotions through him.

He picks up a shirt from the floor, a white tank with an American flag as the design, and he can smell a distinct scent of a musky body spray mixed with sweat. This time it hits him harder and again there’s an unmistakeable voice that echoes in his head.

_“You know at least one of us should be good at cleaning”_

_“ZAAAYN, babe where’s my green jacket?”_

_“Is it too conceited of me to say that rams painting is my favourite?”_

Zayn’s knees drop to the floor as the voice haunts his head. It sounds like he’s hearing it right next to him and it’s making him confused and disorientated. A bunch of blurry images flash through his mind.

_lazy Sunday mornings in bed..._

_the soft strummings of a guitar lulling him to sleep..._

_fingertips dancing along his spine…_

_minty kisses along his jaw…_

It all gets too much and his head feels like it’s threatening to split open.

“Make it stop! Make it stop, I can’t take this anymore!” Zayn is screaming now as he clutches his head in his hands shaking furiously to stop the images from flooding into his brain.

“I can’t remember anything, I can’t…I can’t…” he sobs while his body falls onto the floor before he blacks out, the images in his head finally disappearing.

~

Zayn vaguely registers the press of fingers gripping his shoulder and gently shaking him.

“Zayn…Zayn are you alright mate?”

Zayn feels hot all over and beads of sweat are running down his face. His throat is dry and his headache is just as bad as it was before he passed out, and there’s a surge of panic going through his body because he feels weak and like he’s suffocating and he can’t get up without feeling like the room is spinning around him.

“Water…”

“Lou, get him a glass of water!”

Liam. That’s Liam’s voice. Zayn opens his eyes to find warm brown eyes staring back at him full of concern. Zayn tries to get up and Liam helps by putting both of his hands under his armpits to steady him while he slowly sits up. He can feel the thin fabric of his white shirt clinging onto his body because he’s sweating so much, but he’s feeling cold and hot all at the same time.

Zayn doesn’t register Lou until he feels someone pressing a glass of water into his hands. Zayn looks at the way the two boys are watching his every move as he downs the glass of water in one go, and he should feel overwhelmed but instead he’s comforted by their presence.

“Did you pass out?” Liam’s got a frown on his face and he looks at Zayn seriously with a hand still placed gingerly on his shoulder.

Zayn nods his head slowly as Liam helps him up from the floor and guides him to the bed, his hand slipping from his shoulder to a firm grip on his elbow.

“What…what are you guys doing here?”

The concern that was earlier on his face vanishes and instead Liam looks down sheepishly as he catches his bottom lip between his teeth and rubs the back of his neck slowly. Zayn can tell that he’s nervous and he wonders whether Liam always looks this endearing, a pang of adoration washing over him and he can imagine loving this boy like a brother.

“We were tired from the hospital and this is nearer than our flat so thought we’d crash here tonight.” Louis is leaning against the wall, and Zayn notices the dark circles haven’t disappeared under his eyes and his fringe falls flat messily over his face. He’s dressed down in a pair of sweatpants and a grey jumper that oddly looks familiar. “Saw the bedroom door open and I walked in to find you on the floor. Do you know how long you’ve been out for?”

Zayn looks to clock that’s sitting on the table to the left of the bed. It’s 3pm now. He left Harry’s at 11 and it took him 20 minutes to get here so…

“I think about 2 hours…” He’s rubbing his right temple, hoping the pain fades away, and can’t believe he’s been passed out for so long.

“Sorry can you find me some ibuprofen? I’m just feeling so…”

Zayn leans back into the bed, unable to finish the sentence because it’s too much now, crippling through his body and overtaking his senses.

“Let’s get you to the doctors yeah, you’re looking really pale Z…”

He’s slowly curled up in himself on the bed now and Zayn doesn’t register anything they’re saying to him but there’s like a break through this pain-induced haze when he hears the nickname…

_Come on Z, you’re gonna make us late!_

The distinct rough voice with its Irish brogue fills in the spaces of his ears like a careful whisper and it’s messing with his head.

“Just…just get me the pills please...”

Louis comes back a few minutes later and Zayn knows he’s addressing Liam more than him “Shit Li, I can’t find any, I’ll run to the shops real quick.”

“No! There’s some in the bedside drawer.” _That’s where I always keep them._

It takes a few minutes but then Zayn feels two small pills being pressed into his hands and his head is being lifted and someone coaxes the glass of water to his lips before Zayn slumps back down and curls up in himself.

He closes his eyes so tight until white stars appear on his eyelids and oddly all Zayn wants right now is to hear some music, a smooth voice singing in his ear, anything to drown out the pain that’s throbbing in his head.

~

He must have slept into the evening because he wakes up a few hours later to a dark room and he can see the dimming sky through the windows. His head feels much better than before, headache almost gone except for a lingering throb that seems to be staying as if to remind him of the pain he was feeling earlier.

Zayn finds his whole body feeling fully rested, and he’s so comfortable curled up between the sheets that he takes a while longer to just lay there, a sense of calmness washing over him that’s keeping him at ease. It’s a something that he’s never felt before, even back at Harry’s.

At the thought of Harry he jolts awake, realising that his best friend probably doesn’t know that he’s here and must be worried sick.

Zayn quickly gets up and heads straight to the door, not even heading to the bathroom to wash his face or straighten up because he’s afraid that something he sees or touches or even smells will trigger another breakdown that he’s quite keen to avoid.

When he stumbles out of the bedroom, he’s relieved to find Harry is actually there, sitting on the sofa with Liam and Louis idly watching tv. Harry immediately stands up, a comforting smile already fixed on his face and Zayn breathes a sigh of relief that Harry’s not upset with him. “You okay?”

“Yeah, much better.”

Harry walks up to him and puts his hand around the base of Zayn’s neck, rubbing gently at the skin under the soft ends of his hair. He’s looking straight at Zayn, his eyes serious and filled with concern and Zayn swallows the guilt he feels for causing it.

Zayn gives him an encouraging smile and pats his shoulder, “It was just a really bad headache mate, you know I did have a head trauma,” and tries to laugh it off, shrugging Harry’s hand off and moving away from him.

Harry watches him with his brows furrowed. Zayn’s always thought it was an adorable look on Haz, the frown on his face making him look like a child that’s been denied ice-cream, eventhough he knows that it actually means that his best friend was going through a case of being a severe worry wart.

“Oh come off of it Haz, he said he’s alright didn’t he?”

Zayn can’t help but be a little surprised that Louis is defending him. After what happened at the hospital, he was sure that both him and Liam hated his guts and probably thought he was the worst friend ever, considering he isn’t even trying to get to know them. Or maybe Louis was just feeling sorry for Zayn considering he saw him passed out a few hours ago and then later watched him curl up like a foetus in pain because of a measly headache. He tries to throw him a look to say thank you but Louis is already looking straight back at the tv, face blank and lips pursed tightly.

“I’m starving, shall we get some pizza?” Liam expectantly looks at Zayn and Harry’s hand is back on his shoulder giving him an encouraging squeeze.

“Nah, it’s okay…I’d just like to…I just wanna go home thanks.” he looks at Harry who gives him a small smile and nods before he walks to grab his coat. Zayn goes to follow him but he stops, because he doesn’t want to leave like this, not after everything they’ve done for him, as if they’re strangers. Even if he can’t remember that they’re actually not.

 “Um…I just want to say…thanks…for earlier” He’s looking down at his hands while he says it, so he misses the adoring smile that Liam has on his face and the look of surprise on Louis’s.

“It’s alright mate. I know…I know you don’t remember us, it’s alright, but I want you to know we do care about you a lot.”

Liam reaches out to put his hand on Zayn’s shoulder gently, as if afraid that he’ll flinch away at the slightest touch, and Zayn gives him a grateful look.

“And for what it’s worth, we’re really happy you didn’t…” Zayn sees Louis tense up in the corner of his eye while Liam lets his sentence drift away, “we’re just happy you’re alright mate.”

It’s instinctual what he does next. Zayn’s never been much of a hugger, but when he pulls Liam towards him and wraps his arms around the other boy’s shoulders it feels perfectly natural.

~

Harry drives Zayn back to Bradford on Friday, a week after he’s been discharged, but leaves immediately after to catch a flight back to LA that leaves the next day. He promises Zayn he’ll be back in London in two weeks, after giving him a tight hug and a kiss to his temple.

“Call me if you need anything. Any time alright?” Zayn knows he should tell him not to worry, to take his time, that he’ll be fine now that he’s home…but he can’t bring himself to because he knows it’s not true, he needs his best friend, his anchor in this storm.

The good thing about being back in Bradford is that it’s all still the same. His family still live in the same house he grew up in, little changes done to it save for the extension to the kitchen and the new photos that are hung up on the wall.

His mum didn’t tell the rest of his family that he was coming back, so he’s thankful that he isn’t bombarded upon his arrival by the dozens of aunties and uncles who no doubt have a million questions for him.

“Doniya will be here with little Amira soon, love.” His mum lets him know while she puts the pot on for tea.

Amira. Doniya’s daughter. In his mind, Amira is still the two year old who could barely string a few words together to form a sentence and was always pestering Zayn to come colour with her then falling asleep in between his arms after one too many episodes of Peppa Pig.

“Amira…how is she?”

Zayn’s mum smiles softly at him, tucking a stray hair behind her ear, “She’s eight but acts like she’s going on 16! Still as naughty as she was five years ago mind you, only thing different about her is she’s almost as tall as me and added a lot more words to her vocabulary.”

“Where’s that idiot?!” As if on cue, Doniya bursts in through the front door, her voice booming throughout the house.

Zayn peeks his head out from the kitchen to see his older sister walking through the hallway. She still looks the same, albeit for the extra laugh lines around her eyes. When she sees him, she practically runs and throws her arms around him, holding him close tightly. She smells like a mix of orange zest and a hint of strawberry in her hair and Zayn relaxes into her warmth, comforted by the fact that she feels the same as when he was younger, strong and stoic, holding on to him when he finally figured out his sexuality and was too afraid of the consequences and what it meant to their family. He feels her breathing getting ragged before he realises that she’s crying into his chest.

“It’s okay Don…I’m fine.” Zayn rubs her shoulders gently, his chin resting on her head as his own tears fall down his face.

“Mummy?”

He hears a tiny voice behind them and looks down to see a younger version of his sister standing shyly in the doorway.

“Mira…”

“Uncle Zayn!!” And just like his mother, she runs towards them and jumps into her uncle’s arms.

Zayn’s a little surprised at how much she’s grown but somehow it doesn’t bother him much, maybe because she’s family, and Zayn’s watched her grow up since the time she was kicking in Doniya’s tummy ready for the world. Maybe it’s because she looks like the perfect mixture of his mum and sister, two faces he can trace out in his black sketchbook with his eyes closed.

Doniya starts chattering away, telling him about her job and the latest gossip in their family, while his mum fusses over Mira, fixing up a plate of samosas for tea and his dad stands away at the side smiling fondly at the scene before him, and all Zayn knows is that he’s happy, because he’ll be okay right here with his family, and nothing else matters for now.

~

It takes a while for him to get used to this, his mum and Doniya talking about motherhood and Don’s new business that he doesn’t know about and Mira’s school things but he takes it all in with no complains, revelling in being surrounded by the people he loves. He thinks his mum must have warned Doniya and his dad to avoid saying anything about the accident and to treat him as if he was just visiting for the holidays because they’ve been talking about everything except for that.

Whether he knows it or not, Zayn inadvertently asks his sister about things that have happened in the last five years, things he shouldn’t know but somehow when Doniya mentions it, he doesn’t seem surprised, and if anything none of them acknowledge it.

By dinnertime he’s exhausted from the day of travelling and catching up with everyone and playing with Amira and finally treks up to his old bedroom, the one with the brown wallpaper that’s paled over the years to a light orange that still hasn’t been changed although the rest of the room has. Gone are the posters of his favourite singers and movies and the sketches he used to do in high school pasted on with blu tac proudly. His mum changed it into a guest bedroom the year after he moved out, so there’s one less change he has to adapt to, and there’s still some level of sentiment he feels towards it regardless.

He’s exhausted and it takes him awhile to get used to the bed and fall asleep, but his dreams have flashes of pale skin and blue eyes and a bright smile that leave him tossing and turning throughout the night.

~

The next few days are passed by settling into a routine, helping his mum and arguing with his sister and playing with his niece. His father comes home from work most evenings and they sit in front of the tv after dinner in a comfortable silence before his father usually gives him a pat on the shoulder and a kiss on his cheek, a soft “Goodnight, _jaan_ ” whispered into his ear that makes him feel like he’s 8 years old.

He still sleeps restlessly every night. Most of the time he wakes up with a jolt, sweat soaked through his shirt, but he can never remember what he’s dreaming about. He takes to sketching on random papers found in his room, no certain shapes or lines or solid drawings but anything that keeps his hand moving and his mind distracted.

One night he wakes up and the last image in his dream is clearer than ever. He grabs the first paper he sees and feverishly sketches it out as if afraid the memory will fade like the stars do into dawn. It’s easy to draw in the details, his hand almost moving as if on its own but it’s purely instinct that’s driving the pencil across the paper.

He works on it for half an hour, and by the end of it his hand’s cramped and his eyes are threatening to close but when he finishes, he can’t tear his gaze away from the paper in front of him. He wishes that he had a blue pencil, but he doubts he’d find the right one to shade in the pair of eyes that look like the colour of the sky on a sunny summer morning. But it still takes his breath away, because the photo he saw in Harry’s flat didn’t show him the full face, but he knows looking at the drawing now that it’s Niall’s eyes that are staring back at him.

He hastily stuffs the paper inside a book under his bed, but he can still see it when he closes his eyes, and there’s just one thought that runs through his mind as he succumbs to sleep.

_Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful._

~

One afternoon he decides to get out of the house on the excuse that he wants to go for a walk to stretch his legs when really he wants to escape from his mum’s concerned looks, although she quickly hides it when he raises his eyebrows at her, and Doniya’s sly attempts to coax his memory back.

He sets out of the house and instantly takes relief in the fresh air and the crisp autumn breeze, an old cardigan of Harry’s hanging loosely around his shoulders. He knicked most of Harry’s clothes to bring back to Bradford, even if they were a few sizes bigger for him, but it gives him a sense of familiarity that he needs these days. He walks ahead aimlessly, but before long he recognises the route he’s taking and smiles to himself when he finds that his feet have brought him right outside an old stomping ground - Danny’s tattoo shop.

Danny and Zayn were practically inseparable when they were younger, growing up next to each other and constantly sneaking away in the dead of the night on weekends to go paint graffiti on the walls of the numerous abandoned homes in their neighbourhood. Zayn would sneak back into his bedroom before the break of dawn but his mum always knew what he was up to when he’d come down without changing, the splatters of colour on his sweatpants a clear evidence to his shenanigans. They were always up to no good in school as well, until Danny graduated because he was a year ahead than Zayn.

It was when Zayn went in to get his first tattoo at 17 that Danny got mesmerised with the art. Few months later when they graduated from high school he went straight into the shop and applied to be an apprentice. It was his pure dedication that got him the spot, and his hard work that led him to start tattooing himself and most of Danny’s portfolio during the beginning years of his tattoo career are probably inked on Zayn’s skin.

When he sees Zayn walking in through the doors, he jumps over the counter and crushes him in a hug, nostalgia clearly written all over his face. “Hey I heard about your accident mate, that really sucks. But it’s honestly a relief to know you still remember me, so that’s all that matters yeah?”

Zayn can’t help it when he throws his head back and lets out a laugh, it was typical Danny – blunt and straight to the point.

They laugh it off and catch up a little, Zayn mostly hoping that Danny won’t push him to talk about the accident any further, which thankfully he doesn’t, focusing instead on updating him about his business and his family and the lives of their mutual friends.

 “So must be weird huh, seeing some new ink on you that you can’t remember getting?” Danny asks him after a while.

It’s something that Zayn talked about with Harry that first week after the hospital but he honestly wasn’t really surprised with some of the things he’d gotten. Some of the stuff he couldn’t recognise, like the tiger on his left arm and the revolver on his ribs, didn’t seem too shocking because he thought they looked really cool and most of his tattoos were random choices anyway so it’s not like he felt bad that he didn’t know the meaning behind them.

“Yeah a little. But I think I just got used to them, they all look pretty sick mate!”

Danny excuses himself for a minute while he attends to a customer and Zayn wanders off to look at all the stuff that’s adorning the shop wall, from sketches of tattoos to pictures of customers and various other sources of inspiration.

“Did you do the snake on my shoulder?” he asks Danny when he comes back.

“Yeah, it’s wicked yeah? I think that’s my favourite on ya.” Zayn’s wearing a blank tank top, so Danny traces his fingers around the intricate tattoo around his shoulder blades. “Don’t know if you remember, but the last time you came to visit we talked a bit about some of the stuff you were planning to get.”

“Oh yeah? Like what?” This definitely interested Zayn, and he was starting to get a little nervous to hear what Danny was going to say.

“You wanted a quote or summat done. You wanted it in Arabic so I think you were waiting to get a proper script written for the template.”

Zayn just nods and is a little surprised, he might be an English Lit major but he was never really into getting words inked into his skin, except for the one he already had on his collarbone. Danny’s still staring at him, as if hesitant to tell him something, making Zayn quirk his eyebrows at him in confusion.

“Nah it’s just…you wanted to get something else too…hold on let me just get my…” Danny stops and grabs a black sketchbook from under the counter, “we were looking at different styles for it too…playing around with the font and stuff....” He keeps flipping through the pages.

“What was it?” Danny doesn’t reply but finally finds the page he’s looking for, and slides the book towards Zayn. In the space next to Danny’s various drawings of pin up girls, tigers and koi fishes, there’s a page filled with the same thing.

_NJH_

 “You wanted his initials…somewhere under your grandfather’s name.” Zayn wonders whether he’ll ever get used to the feeling of his heart in his throat every time he sees or hears that name.

“I don’t think it was set in stone or anything,” Danny continues, “it was just something you were thinking about.”

Zayn doesn’t know what to say but simply nods. Danny senses the change in his mood and quickly tries to distract him by showing him some of his favourite tattoos he’s done in recent years. Zayn listens patiently, but his mind is still thinking back to the three letters that’s somehow managed to jump out of the pages and into Zayn’s head.

When he walks back home later, one hand tucked in the pockets of his jeans while the other’s holding onto a cigarette, his fifth or sixth since he left Danny’s, Zayn realises sooner or later he’s got to stop running away.

~

“What’s that you’re humming love? Sounds so familiar.”

Zayn’s mum asks him as they’re doing the dishes later that night while Doniya’s gone to meet an old friend.

“Dunno mum, I’ve had it in my head now for a few days.” Zayn doesn’t want to say since the accident, but some mornings it’s the first thing in his head before the headaches get worse, and other times he’ll find himself humming it at different times in the day. It’s always the same tune, and it annoys him to wit’s end that he can’t seem to remember the lyrics.

“Don’t be silly Uncle Z…that’s your favourite song!” Amira says as she giggles into her hand and continues eating her ice cream.

“My favourite song? How do you know that sweetie?”

“Cause Uncle Niall and I sang it for you last Christmas silly!” Amira doesn’t notice the way her uncle’s shoulders have gone tense and her grandmother has suddenly stopped scrubbing at a plate, obliviously continuing to eat her dessert, clearly forgetting her mother’s warnings that she wasn’t to mention Niall’s name to her Uncle Zayn at all.

“Amira honey, why don’t you go finish eating in the living room, yeah?” Zayn’s mum swiftly sends her off with a pat on her head.

She turns to Zayn and rubs his shoulder with a sad smile on her face, “I’m sorry, love.”

Zayn doesn’t say anything, but he can’t stop the way his heart feels like it’s beating out of his chest.

~

The next afternoon he comes out of his room when he’s supposed to be down for his nap, since that’s when his daily headaches start getting worse, but today oddly enough he’s yet to have an episode, and he wants to take full use of it and hang out with his niece and sister before they leave.

He hears the soft strummings of  a guitar coming from the living room downstairs and walks in to find Amira sitting on the sofa with a small guitar, her eyebrows scrunched in concentration as her little fingers try to pluck at the strings.

 “Mira, you didn’t tell me you played the guitar!” Zayn’s a little surprised that she didn’t mention this since she’s practically filled him in on every other aspect of her life from the name of all her dolls to what happened on the last episode of Sam & Cat.

Amira jumps up at the sound of Zayn’s voice and quickly goes to return the guitar to its case. “Sorry Uncle Z! I thought you were sleeping…”

“It’s alright Mira…why are you putting away your guitar?” Amira looks down sheepishly as she closes the case.

“It’s okay love, you don’t have to hide anything from me okay? I want you to feel comfortable telling me anything, I don’t want you to feel worried about getting me upset yeah?”

She walks over to give him a hug and nods against Zayn’s stomach. She looks up and smiles and Zayn can’t help but return it. She still looks hesitant, so Zayn threatens her with tickles until she’s a laughing mess and opens up to him. “You and Niall got it for me last Christmas.”

 _Of course._ He almost forgot that Niall was the one who was musically talented, remembering the acoustic guitar lying on the sofa at the flat.

“Oh, that’s nice love. I’m sorry…I’m sorry I can’t remember. Can you tell me about it? You any good at it yet?”

 “Well I don’t go for classes, Niall taught me the basic chords and I’ve just been watching tonnes of online videos for practise.”

That starts her off. She’s back to her normal self, rattling on about what song she’s trying to learn now and whether Niall would be able to teach her some new popstar’s hit song.

“Remember how you said you sang for me last Christmas? Can you play me that song?” It’s something he’s been thinking about since last night, curiosity finally getting the better of him.

“Nooo! Uncle Niall said he won’t teach me that and I’m not allowed to learn it.”

“Why not?” Zayn askes, grinning at the way his niece is pouting at him.

“Cause he said that was your song and only he was allowed to play you that!” And maybe Zayn’s heart does a little flip just then, because there’s something heart-warming about that he can’t shake off.

“Fly me to the moon and let me play among the stars…” Amira starts singing the classic and doesn’t seem to notice that her uncle is stuck frozen where he’s standing, his fists clenched and his eyes squeezed shut.

_They were all hanging out in Liam and Louis’s flat. They’d had a nice night in, after Liam got them to agree to an Ironman movie marathon, and Louis and Harry had fixed up a nice lasagne for dinner. Everyone was sitting around the living room chilling, Niall seated on the floor across from Zayn with his guitar in his lap, strumming random tunes while Liam sang along. Harry was standing by the window, on the phone with his mum, but never too far away from the conversation, giving Liam a look of adoration each time he started singing or rolling his eyes as whatever lewd comment Louis was making about his boyfriend._

_“Ni, why don’t you play us a favourite?”_

_Zayn and Niall had only been dating for a few weeks then, never going further than a few goodnight kisses and the occasional make out session in the back of Niall’s car. Zayn was happy with the pace that they were going at, and it seemed like Niall didn’t mind at all._

_“Come on, you’ve been playing since you were 3, surely you’ve got more than a few favourites that you can play off the bat” Louis teased when it seemed like Niall was hesitating._

_Zayn was a little surprised with Niall’s behaviour. He was normally so laid back and comfortable, and nothing made him more comfortable than when he was with his guitar. But now he looks a little apprehensive, nervous maybe, deep in thought until a few seconds later his face breaks into a wide grin. “I’ve got the perfect one.”_

_He taps on the spine of his guitar to start it off before breaking into a few familiar strums. Zayn can’t recognise it at first but then-_

_“Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars….”_

_Zayn watches Niall looks content and completely happy as he sings. He’s never really heard him, because it’s always just been him on the guitar and humming along to Liam but this is the first time he’s actually heard Niall’s voice, and it almost sounds vulnerable, but also smooth and calming…so unlike his usual boisterous personality._

_“Fill my heart with song, and let me sing forever more…”_

_Louis grabs Liam up from the sofa and pulls him to dance, both of them laughing and tripping over each other as they try to get into a rhythm. Zayn’s never seen two people more in love with each other aside from his parents and it warms his heart at the sight of them. That’s the kind of love he wants, to be so completely comfortable with someone else to let them see every layer underneath._

_Zayn looks away from them, laughing at their antics before giving his attention back to Niall, and is greeted by the other boy’s eyes already on him._

_“You are all I long for, all I worship and adore”_

_Zayn feels the room slip away and focuses on Niall’s blue eyes looking at his, watching the other boy’s fingers expertly pluck at the strings without glance, his lips forming the words around a smile that seem to be just for Zayn._

_“In other words, please be true….  
In other words…I love you”_

_Niall doesn’t break his gaze away from Zayn as he ends the song, and neither does Zayn, even if he feels like his heart is racing by the minute. Niall looks down sheepishly while he puts his guitar down and rubs his hands on his jeans before Louis jumps on him and peppers his face with kisses shouting “Bravissima! Encore! Encore”_

_Zayn smiles, looks away for a distraction while he tries to calm down the erratic beating of his heart and the butterflies that are fluttering in his stomach. He meets Harry’s eyes from across the room who gives him a little wink as he gives a little nod towards the Irishman. Zayn turns his head away before Harry can pick up on the blush that’s spreading through his olive-toned skin._

_He feels someone settle next to him, a hand thrown over his shoulder and he leans into the touch, doesn’t have to turn his head to recognise the vanilla scent with cinnamon and musky undertones. He smiles shyly, trying to distract himself by laughing at Louis who’s trying to re-enact a scene from Romeo and Juliet with Liam, but his shoulder burns from Niall’s fingers rubbing the nape of his neck and the butterflies in his stomach don’t settle down until much much later._

_He wonders, is this what being content feels like? Maybe, just maybe, he’ll have a chance at a happy ending after all._

“Uncle Z are you okay?” Mira’s tiny voice breaks through his reverie and he’s brought back to the present.

He just gives her a little nod, his knees feeling shaky and his head a little dizzy. “Get your uncle a glass of water, sweetheart.”

He’d never gotten a flashback that long and clear before. He felt like he was back in that room, and he can clearly hear Niall’s voice singing to him, deep and smooth, can feel the butterflies that were fluttering in his stomach.

Mira comes back with his water, snapping him out of his thoughts. His sister and mum come home a minute later, chattering away and distracting him. It isn’t until that night while he lies in bed and thinks about it that he lets him wonder whether it’s a sign that he was finally getting his memory back.

~

Doniya and Mira leave the next day and he’s in the kitchen after dinner waiting on his mum while she finishes the dishes when he decides to get it over with.

“Mum…”

“Yes sweetheart?” Zayn hesitates, he’s not sure whether he’s ready for this, but he goes ahead anyway. “Can you…can you tell me a little bit about Niall?”

There’s a softness that washes over her face, and she breathes a sigh of relief as if it was a long time coming. “Well…what do you want to know?”

“What…what did you think of him?”

Tricia sits down with a cup of tea as she thinks back to the memory of meeting Niall for the first time. “When you first brought him round, it was a little unexpected, I don’t think you even planned to, you said something about going down to a concert in Newcastle and then ended up stopping by here on the way.” She wipes her hands on a cloth before taking a seat opposite her son, and Zayn suddenly notices the wrinkles around her eyes and how much she’s aged, and wonders what little things he’s forgotten about her life.

“We were a little surprised, your father and I. Not just because he was so different to you, the complete opposite in fact, what with his blonde hair and blue eyes and that Irish charm. I didn’t even know you were in a serious relationship, and he was the first boy you ever brought to meet us. I was so sure you were going to bring home some leather-clad boy with enough tattoos to rival both yours and Harry’s,” she chuckles as Zayn rolls his eyes at her with a smirk playing at his lips.

“But then he was so warm and friendly, for someone who was meeting us for the first time, jumping up and down with excitement like an energiser bunny.” She laughs and shakes her head fondly at the memory. “You didn’t tell us he was your boyfriend, kept shrugging it off whenever Doniya asked and said he was just a mate. But you were so nervous that day, especially when you introduced him to your father!”

Trisha reaches across the table and takes Zayn’s hand in hers, giving it a little squeeze. “But whenever you’d tense up each time your baba talked to him or asked him a question, he’d always subtlely reach out for your hand or rub your back, and you’d relax immediately. In the end the both of them got on like a house on fire, talking about football and all that.”

Zayn grins because he knows that’s the way into his father’s good books, give a remark on how well Man United’s doing in the league and he’ll practically adopt you. “You couldn’t stop smiling that whole day love, though I remember you were still being a bit of a brat, getting short with us whenever we shared an embarrassing story or photo of you.”  She playfully punches him in the shoulder with a smile dancing across her lips as she takes another sip from her tea.

 “You were always apprehensive about your talents Zayn, but he never let you forget how gifted you are. He was here complimenting you so much and I thought maybe he was trying to raise you up in front of your baba, because you had just started your teaching post, and your father still had some qualms about it.” Zayn can imagine that, his father always wanted him to try a more successful route like taking up law or accounting and wasn’t too happy when he decided to major in English Lit.

“So when he came in to help me with the dishes that night, I thanked him for his kind words and he looked at me so confused and he said, _“But he really is amazing at all those things”_ …as if it was plain simple.”

And again, Zayn feels like the air’s been knocked out of his lungs and his fingers grip onto the edges of the table tightly.

 “I don’t know if either of you knew it then but…anyone could see how much love he had for you in his eyes, and…” she pauses to look at him, tears staining her eyelashes and this time Zayn reaches out for her hand, giving her a quick squeeze letting her know that it was alright for her to continue. “You could always see that love reflected in your own eyes, darling. There was always an extra sparkle when you talked about him, and even when you used to phone me up every week it was always Niall this, and Niall that. I was just so happy that you finally found someone you could be comfortable with.”

Zayn smiles sadly at her as she gets up from the table. “I’m glad to hear that mum…I just wish I could remember it.”

Tricia leans over to pull Zayn into a hug. “You will love, I’m sure you’ll find your way back to him.”

 _Maybe I will_ , Zayn thinks, and for the first time, he finds himself feeling a little hopeful.

~

Harry surprises Zayn by coming back from LA a week earlier than planned, straight off his plane and onto the road to Bradford. When Zayn wakes up that morning, he walks into the kitchen to see Harry eating toast and eggs while chatting away to his mum, grinning up at him sheepishly.

“I finished up all I had to do. Just wanted to get back here mate.” he explains later while the both of them are sitting in his mum’s garden. Zayn shakes his head disapprovingly at him while he puffs on his cigarette. “I’m fine.”

“Really? Because I receive a vague text from you three days ago saying: I think I’m starting to remember; and then receive no reply to my series of exclamation and question marks. Can you blame me?” Harry kicks at Zayn’s shoe, annoyance clear on his face as he gives his best friend a pout rivalling Amira’s.

“It’s just…I don’t know what it is myself yet.”

“Then tell me about it, Zayn, you know we’re all ready to help you at any time.” Zayn looks at Harry and smiles appreciatively, noticing how his green eyes look like they’re the colour of grass after rain today. He’s wearing a brown knitted jumper, a snapback placed backwards to hide his curls, and Zayn can’t help but think back to their university days, wonders if he’d have guessed that first time they’d met that he’d owe so much to this boy.

“The other day…Mira was talking to me about him and…” Zayn pauses to suck in the nicotine, “I had like a flashback?”

Harry’s eyes widen, and if Zayn was being honest he’d see a flicker of hope there too.

“It was so clear and almost like I was reliving it. We were all there, Liam and Louis too. It was at someone’s flat and …he was playing me a song on his guitar.”

There’s a wide grin on Harry’s face that he’s trying to hide, looking down to play with the laces on his shoes. “Ahh…well that’s pretty much how all our hangouts look like mate.”

“I think…I think this was different, this was in the beginning? Before we got serious…he was singing me… _Fly Me to the Moon_.”

Harry’s face softens, the edges of his mouth pulling up to a smirk. “You mean the _ZaynandNiall_ song?” He lets out a chuckle and then stops just as quickly, his face changing as if he’s afraid he’s said the wrong thing.

“Yeah Mira filled me in on that, said it was my favourite song.” Zayn says with a shrug to let him know it’s okay, that it isn’t taboo to say his name anymore. “I’ve been humming it for ages, since I woke up actually, I just didn’t recognise it. Then Mira started singing it and…that’s what set it off actually. The flashback.”  

They sit in silence for a while, Harry drumming his fingers on the table as Zayn finishes his cigarette, trying to put into words the emotional rollercoaster he’s been on over the past few weeks.

“I just…I’ve been ignoring this huge hole that’s in my life yeah, and I don’t even know what I’m doing. Where am I supposed to go from here? I’ve got a completely different life right now and…how long am I supposed to hide away in my old bedroom?” Zayn’s hands start fidgeting again, struggling to light up his next cigarette. Harry stays still and quiet, as if afraid to break Zayn’s rant, and Zayn’s thankful for that, because he needs to get this off his chest in one go.

 “There are some times, I just like, hear stuff in my head or get an image and it feels like déjà vu…but it’s just…I can’t tell if it’s real or not because I don’t actually remember it?” Harry opens his mouth to interrupt but Zayn knows what he’s going to say, “No, I know it probably is but it’s just…it’s annoying because it feels familiar but I just can’t put my finger on it.”

“Mira let it slip that he was her favourite,” He continues as he flicks the ash from his cigarette and smiles thinking about the way her eyes lit up when she talked about Niall teaching her something on the guitar. “Mum talks about him like he’s her second son…even Danny’s put in his two cents…everyone I’m close to simply adore him and…and it’s so ridiculous that I don’t even remember him.” He lets out a chuckle, but it’s far from happy, instead it sounds bittersweet and sarcastic.

“But then I remember things like him singing me a fucking song and I can feel the butterflies in my stomach as if I’m some sort of high school teenage girl thinking about her crush and I…” He leans forward, his head in his hands as he tries to articulate his feelings to Harry, “I just can’t understand it…I’m feeling all these things but I feel like…I feel like I’m in love with a figment of my imagination.”

Harry looks at him, the sad smile playing at his lips again, and Zayn wonders when he’ll stop getting these kinds of reactions from everyone. “You know where he is Zayn, it’s pretty simple to find out whether he’s real or not.”

Zayn knows it’s as simple as that, but there’s something that’s stopping him and he isn’t sure what.

“Yeah, but what then? I hardly know the guy, am I supposed to fall back in love with him while he’s in a coma?” Zayn lets out a sigh, lifting his head to look at Harry directly. He looks apologetic, and Zayn wants to wipe it off his face because he can’t stand anyone feeling sorry for him right now.

“No one’s asking you to do anything Zayn. The number one thing is making sure you’re okay, and trying to get your memory back. And if you don’t…” He gives a little shrug, but it’s hesitant, as if he refuses to believe it, “if you don’t then that’s fine too. We’ll get through it, no matter what happens.”

Zayn just hums in agreement, still unsure and disbelieving. “Is it weird that after everything, I find myself hoping I’ll fall in love with him?”

“No, no it’s not Zayn.” There’s a knowing smile on Harry’s face, like he isn’t surprised, as if it’s going to happen either way.

“But sometimes it’s like…it feels like this one-sided thing. I hear about how he’s so amazing, and how he makes me happy and all that…but I can’t help but wonder, what’s he doing with me? I just…I can’t really see myself with someone like him? He sounds like he breathes sunshine and rainbows Haz, and I’m…I’m broody and a pain in the arse.” Zayn expects Harry to laugh at his half-assed attempt at a joke but he’s surprised by the serious demeanour on Harry’s face, as if Zayn’s said something upsetting.

He leans back against the chair, his face turning serious as he takes off his snapback and runs his fingers through his hair, and it’s a while before he speaks. “You know about a year into your relationship you went on a school trip to Majorca for two weeks. Niall was of course being the stereotypical boyfriend, moaning about how much he missed waking up to you and checking his phone all the time for any texts from you.”

Harry shakes his head as he remembers the memory, “I remember…it was actually a tough two weeks at work. We were swamped with trying to get this band’s album ready and even Niall who’s usually calm about these things was getting stressed out and cranky and he was snapping at everyone and that wasn’t normal for him.”

A small smirk appears on Harry’s face, he remembers what an absolute ass Niall was, screaming at anyone who got in his way and then feeling terribly guilty about it that he ended up buying their whole team lunch for the next week straight. “I think at one point you hadn’t called him in three days, only sending him a vague text to say you were out of wifi and that you were safe. Anyway, he was in a particularly bad mood that day and he kept looking at his phone to see if you’d replied to him and I thought I’d take him out to cheer him up a little yeah?”

There’s amusement in Harry’s eyes, and Zayn wishes he had his sketchbook to draw the soft smile on his face, the way his curls are hiding under the snapback, his slender fingers holding up his chin as he talks. “I think I literally had to drag him out to the pub, because a pint always cheers him up, but he was still being a mopey brat and I started getting really exasperated and asked him what his problem was and he…” Harry pauses, finally looking up at Zayn, taking his time to find the words to explain to him this memory and trying to help him understand how important it is.

“I won’t forget that look on his face…he just looked…defeated. I’ve never seen him looking so sad and he just looked at me, tears in his eyes, and said, ' _I just want Zayn home.'”_

There’s this overwhelming sense of warmth and emotion that washes over Zayn as he listens to Harry’s story, about this boy that’s taken up such a huge place in his life and is miles away stuck in a hospital while he’s here trying to figure out where he belongs.

“He said he couldn’t take a day without hearing your voice and he was so used to having you around that it felt unsettling going back to an empty flat without you in it.” The smile back on Harry’s face is brighter now, his green eyes sparkling playfully. “And true enough, when you were back that weekend it was as if his stars were aligned again, his earth tilted back on its axis, his mood instantly lifted eventhough we had an even shittier week at the studio.”

Harry puts his hand on Zayn’s shoulder, forcing him to look at him. “Yeah, Niall was all sunshine and rainbows, but I think that was only because he had you in his life, and because of how much you loved him. I’ve seen it dozens of times Zayn, and I know it’s hard for you to understand right now because you’re not in the right frame of mind, but the way you two looked at each other was always something special.”

Zayn doesn’t notice the tears streaming down his face until Harry brushes his thumb over his cheek to wipe them away.

“It’s all in there Zayn,” Harry says as his index finger lightly taps on his right temple, “the thing is, there’s a difference between _waiting_ to remember, and _trying_ to remember. So you’ve got to ask yourself, what do you want?”

It takes a few minutes for Harry’s words to sink in. When Zayn finally understands, he doesn’t say anything, simply hides his head in Harry’s neck.

~

The next morning, Harry gets his answer.

“I’m tired of running away.” Zayn says, just before he asks Harry to drive him back to London.


	2. a distant stranger that I will complete

“Can we stay at…mine?” Zayn asks hesitantly on their drive back to London, the last word feeling weird as it comes out of his mouth. Harry gives him a smile so wide it’s infectious, the both of them grinning at each other as they drive straight to Zayn’s flat.

It looks exactly the same as when he walked in two weeks ago, the memory of his nervous breakdown leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. But then the familiar warmth he felt that first time spreads through his bones again as he walks in through the door.

“I think Liam and Louis come here for a kip sometimes.” Harry adds when Zayn notices a mess of blankets and pillows on the sofa.

His eyes land on the guitar that now stands abandoned, leaning against the wall and remembers the flashback he got back in Bradford of Niall playing him the song, _his_ song.

“We should…we should call them round soon. Catch up a bit. Not now…maybe when...when I’m used to all this.” Harry’s trying not to look excited but Zayn can see right through him, the way he squeezes Zayn’s shoulders appreciatively, as if saying a silent thank you, and Zayn knows he’s done something right, and vows to keep trying.

~

When Zayn wakes up the next morning, the first thing he realises is that he feels rested, really really rested. It’s the first time in a long time that he’s had a full night’s sleep where he didn’t get up once, and he’s not sweating all over, and it’s so refreshing.

He takes a while to lounge around in bed, reluctant to get up, until his stomach starts to protest. He strips off and gets in the shower, shaking his head as he sees the row of different shampoos, conditioners and soaps lining the edge of the bathtub. It seemed like Niall was just as obsessed with his hair as Zayn was.

The shampoo he squirts onto his hand smells a little zesty, a mix of orange and cinnamon, and he recognises it as the scent that lingers in the bedroom, sometimes catching a whiff of it when his head hits the pillow before he falls asleep. He’s closing his eyes and enjoying the warmth of the water, massaging the shampoo into his hair when he feels goosebumps at the back of his neck.

_“Niall what are you doing!?” Zayn almost has a fright when he feels someone getting into the shower behind him._

_“Saving water.” he smiles against Zayn’s neck as he wraps an arm around the older boy, squirting some shampoo into his other hand before bringing both up to Zayn’s head, carding the foamed fingers through his hair._

_“I’m quite capable of washing my own hair, you know.” Zayn turns so that he’s facing Niall, placing his hands on the other boy’s waist, his thumbs gently rubbing the skin just the way he knows Niall likes it._

_“I know, but I like doing it for you.” He gives Zayn a cheeky smirk, fingers scratching extra hard on his scalp that leaves Zayn wincing. Zayn gives him a little pout in return, something he’d never done before he met this Irish devil that’s disrupted his life, but it quickly turns into a smile when he feels the gentle press of lips against his before Niall pulls back and gives him a cute giggle as he rubs the tip of his nose against Zayn’s._

_Zayn lets out a happy sigh, wondering whether it was possible to be this content in life._

He snaps out of his thoughts when a burst of cold water hits his skin, apparently having finished up the hot water while he was lost in another memory that’s come back to him. Suddenly he’s itching to get out, feeling like the shower’s too big for him, like there’s something that he’s desperately missing in the empty space.

He goes to get something to wear out of the bag that he brought from home, which is mostly packed with Harry’s clothes and a few new things that he bought. But something stops him halfway, and he changes direction and walks towards the chest of drawers against the wall. He doesn’t know which is his and which is Niall’s, just grabs a random shirt and tugs on a pair of sweatpants that are lying on the floor.

He stands still for a while, giving himself a minute to get overwhelmed because this is a step forward, because he’s _trying_ now. He’s been pushing away everything from this new life that he’s been living but can’t remember, but now he’s willingly trying to figure out how everything fits. So he waits, but the overwhelming sense to run back to Bradford doesn’t come. Instead he brings his finger to rub the tip of his nose, feeling the ghost of a touch, wondering if it was just a fragment of his imagination.

He walks out to find Harry sitting on the sofa with his laptop, and when his best friend asks why he’s got a goofy grin on his face he just shrugs and hides his smile as he walks into the kitchen for some breakfast.

~

Over the next few days, bits and pieces come back to Zayn like the sands that fall through an hour glass. Sometimes it’s a sense of déjà vu while he’s standing in the kitchen making lunch or lying in bed in the early mornings. It’s like a sense of familiarity that washes over him, making him feel completely comfortable in his surroundings, like an assurance that he does belongs there.

Like which side of the bed to sleep on, and which cup he uses for his coffee. He knows where he keeps his beloved Boyz II Men cds, and which drawer in the kitchen holds the first aid kit.  

Then there are times he’ll get a quick image in his head in the middle of doing something like watching tv or having his dinner that he can’t even remember later, coming up blank when he tries to describe it to Harry.

He hasn’t had a proper clear flashback like the one he had in Bradford or in the shower, where he can remember the press of lips against his neck or the touch of fingers rubbing into his shoulder, and if he was being quite honest with himself, he’s a little disappointed. So instead he sulks, spending his day in a bad mood and snapping at Harry, acting grumpy until the next time he remembers something, no matter how small it might be, because it’s another piece that fits in the puzzle.

~

Six weeks after the accident, he goes to the hospital for his first check-up since being released from the hospital. They do a routine CT scan and Dr Belinda tells him that everything looks normal, but he reminds her that he still hasn’t got his full memory back. But she maintains that it must be temporary, saying that the visions he’s having is a good sign and that it’ll just take time, filling Zayn with hope that maybe his life will get back to order soon.

They’re walking out of her office towards the lift when Harry suddenly stops and grips Zayn’s elbow. “I’m…since we’re here…I was thinking of going to visit…” Harry hesitates, trying to find the words before giving up and just tilts his head towards the lift, but Zayn doesn’t need to dig deep to know what he’s talking about.

“Oh, right, yeah sure mate. I think…I don’t think I wanna…” Harry moves his hand to grip the back of Zayn’s neck, a comforting gesture that he does when he knows Zayn’s getting nervous or tensed up, something he’s been doing a lot of lately.

“It’s fine…I just…I haven’t seen him since I left to LA and…” He’s reluctant, looking at Zayn as if asking for his permission.

“You go ahead, I’ll…I’ll wait for you outside yeah? I need a smoke anyway.”

Harry gives him a nod, waiting for him to get on the lift before he takes another to go up to the ICU.

Zayn’s on his third cigarette, leaning against a telephone booth at the entrance of the hospital when he sees Liam and Louis walking towards him. They don’t see him at first, and if he took a few steps back he could easily hide behind the booth and they’d go in without noticing him. But he stays rooted on the spot, staring at them as they get closer, before Louis looks up and catches his eyes, immediately stopping in his tracks. His hand goes to grab Liam, who’s oblivious and keeps walking, before looking back at Louis who jerks his head in Zayn’s direction.

Zayn still doesn’t move, just stares at the both of them while his cigarette burns away at his fingers. After a minute or so, he finally lifts his other hand up, gives them a little wave and a smile, hoping that it’s enough of a gesture to be considered as an olive branch, that it says _‘I’m sorry, but I’m trying.’_

Liam grins widely at him, and his body leans forward as if he’s going to walk towards Zayn, but he decides against it and settles for waving back at him instead. Louis gives him an acknowledging nod, his lips barely forming a smirk before he nudges Liam and walks quickly into the hospital first.

Liam shrugs apologetically, then there’s a look on his face as if he’s torn between following Louis in or coming over to talk to Zayn, so he settles for shouting out a “y’alright?” from where he’s standing.

Zayn just grins back at him, because Liam looks so conflicted in such an endearing way, gives him a thumbs up which Liam returns with a smile and a nod before he walks in after Louis.

It’s nothing much, but suddenly there’s a part of Zayn that yearns to run after them and ask them how they are, find out how their day’s been, maybe even grab a coffee together.

But instead he takes out another cigarette, inhales the smoke and lets it calm his senses, eventhough it doesn’t do much to help.

~

He tells Harry about the run-in with Liam and Louis on their way back to the flat. Harry actually laughs when he hears Zayn explain Liam’s mixed emotions outside the hospital and he shakes his head fondly, mumbles a _typical Liam_ under his breath.

 “You know, you and Louis are actually really close.” It catches Zayn a little off-guard, and if he’s being honest he’s a little surprised to hear this, because he’s felt some sort of closeness to Liam since the beginning, but with Louis there’s always been like a wall between the both of them that he can’t seem to understand.

 “Yeah, partners in crime Niall used to describe the two of you. Although in the beginning you guys didn’t really get along together. You used to complain about how he was an ass and self-absorbed and never made any effort to talk to you. I had to be a fifth wheel to so many of your double dates as a buffer ‘cause you didn’t want Niall to think you were being an asshole to his best friend’s boyfriend.” Harry says, rolling his eyes as Zayn chuckles.

“But then I think it’s just cause Louis’s like this protective mama bear you know? And he loves Niall, so I think he was just wary of you at first. But then once you started working together and got to know each other better, I think you realised that you’re alike in a lot of ways, and you just didn’t get along because both of you felt threatened…or something like that, I don’t know.” He stops himself before he starts to ramble on, “Next thing you know, both of you are practically best friends and inseparable. Not gonna lie, I got a little jealous.” Harry looks away from the road to give Zayn a little wink, his cheeky smile spreading across his face to let him know that he isn’t serious. “It started more when I left to LA, ‘cause whenever I’d call it was always, Louis and I did this or Louis and I did that, and I was proper jealous bro.” Harry shakes his head, a sparkle dancing in his green eyes.

“But then, knowing Louis, you can’t really hold it against him. He’s just got this sort of persona around him that’s hard to describe…he’s capable of wrapping you up around his finger. I can’t blame you as well, I left and you needed to fill the Harry-shaped hole in your life,” Zayn interrupts by scoffing loudly and rolling his eyes, playfully punching at Harry’s arm. “Heeeeeyyy! It’s true, you know it!” he whines, before sending another cheeky wink at Zayn.

“Anyway, he’s never been good at dealing with the emotional stuff you know? I think he just…he isn’t sure how to go about it, cause I think he’s afraid that you’ll have the same impression of him as you did when you first met him. And the fact that this happened to his two best friends…this is just his way of dealing with it I guess. He just sort of feels…helpless.” Harry just shrugs, leaving it at that.

Zayn might feel uncomfortable around Louis, and not really understand the way he acts, but he hardly thinks that he’ll hate him. And after hearing what Harry’s just told him, he feels hopeful, because if they used to be close friends at some point, then surely they can find some way to get back to that.

If anything, it just means he’ll have to try harder…and Zayn’s willing to reach out and give them a chance in the hopes that maybe it’s another step forward to getting his life in order again.

~

“I was thinking…maybe we should head out for dinner tonight?” It’s been two days since his hospital appointment and Zayn’s been mentally preparing himself for this ever since.

“Yeah sure. Ooh, should we try that Italian place down by the road? We’ve only ordered pizza from there but I’m in the mood for some calzone.” Harry rambles on without looking away from his phone, doesn’t notice Zayn standing in front of him, his fingers hiding in his pockets to stop his fidgeting.

“I think we should call the boys to join us.”

Harry’s eyes widen in surprise and his jaw actually drops as his head slowly looks up at Zayn. He quickly closes his mouth and tries to look nonchalant, but it’s amusing to see and instantly the tension seeps out of Zayn’s body.

“Uh…you sure?”

“Yup.”

“Okay. Yeah, okay. I’ll…yeah I’ll text Liam.” He still sits in shock, and Zayn would roll his eyes at the way his best friend is being dramatic if he wasn’t so used to it already. So he waits, still standing in front of him and quirks his left eyebrow up at Harry as if to say _well?_ , before the boy shakes his head out of his reverie and starts typing a text out.

It doesn’t stop Zayn from being nervous though. He’s been trying to remember something, anything that might make this easier, but nothing’s come to him. In fact, he hasn’t gotten any sort of memory or vision in the past two days and it’s making him feel on the edge, as if he’s lost this window of opportunity to get everything back.

The restaurant is only a 10-minute walk away from the flat, and Zayn is thankful that he gets to sneak in a cigarette or two on their way there. Harry keeps trying to glance at him from the side of his eye, looking just as nervous as Zayn feels. It’s not making him feel any better, and he’s forced to stop when they get near the restaurant.

Harry doesn’t say anything, just patiently waits, staring at his boots the whole time while Zayn fidgets and walks around in circles while finishing his cigarette.

“It’s fine yeah? I can do this. I mean, I’ve done this before, so…,” he starts, but gives up any pretense of trying to be nonchalant about meeting the boys. “Haz I don’t know why I’m so nervous.”

“Mate, they already love you, so just be yourself. You’ve got nothing to prove tonight, yeah?” Harry’s green eyes are warm but serious, and his Harry’s words do little comfort, but his green eyes look serious, and Zayn trusts this boy so much, so tells himself to act natural, to forget about this cloud that’s been hanging over his head over the past month, to just be himself and instead try to figure out how these people have become his family away from home.

They walk in to the restaurant to find the other boys already there. Liam gives them both a hug, while Louis just fist bumps Harry before smiling widely at Zayn. It’s a good start, Zayn thinks, already feeling some of his nervousness slip away.

They talk about menial things, Liam explains more about his work to Zayn and Louis goes into an enchanted spiel about a play on Peter Pan that he’s directing for the school. He gets what Harry meant when he said Louis can have you wrapped around his finger, because he gets so animated when he talks about something he loves, and in a way he almost demands your attention but keeps you engaged in the story at the same time. It’d be obvious to anyone how passionate he is about being a drama teacher. 

After a while, Liam turns the attention onto Zayn to do some talking, asking him to tell them about how he met Harry. He’s a little hesitant at first, because there’s a voice in his head that’s telling him that Liam’s only being polite because they’ve probably heard the story before, but he ignores it anyway. It doesn’t take long before he’s eased himself into a sense of comfort in the familiarity of this story that he knows so well like the back of his hand.

Even if Liam and Louis have heard this story countless times before, they never let it show on their faces. They look at him with interest and ask questions and interrupt to tease the two of them every now and then, and Zayn’s grateful for that because it keeps the conversation flowing throughout dinner.  It’s refreshing to see Louis look so at ease when Zayn’s used to seeing him with a hesitant look on his face whenever he saw him.

Zayn can’t help but lean in and whisper to Harry halfway through dinner, “You were right. I can see it, how well we all fit with each other,” and Harry doesn’t look surprised, just gives him a wink and a look that Zayn would bet means _I told you so_.

They’ve just ordered dessert and another round of drinks, and suddenly there’s something that Zayn feels like he needs to say, like he has to prove to them that he’s still the person that they’ve come to know, even if he isn’t that person now…and to reassure them that that version of him is in there somewhere.

“So…how’s he doing?” He still can’t bring himself to say his name out loud, but he knows it doesn’t matter because he’s pretty sure everyone at the table know who he’s talking about.

It takes a few minutes before any of them answer him, and it’s unsurprising that it’s Liam that breaks the silence. “Yeah he’s doing…alright. They say he does have some brain activity…which is a good sign…but other than that they’re not too sure why he still hasn’t woken up yet…”

Zayn almost regrets asking, because he feels like he’s sucked the good mood out of everyone, judging by the look on their faces, and he’s pretty sure he’s only ended up ruining what was otherwise a pretty good night.

But then this time Louis speaks, and Zayn is surprised by the humour in his tone. “Well knowing Niall he’s probably just intentionally trying to make us sweat so that he can use it against us later. You can just imagine when he wakes up he’ll be like ‘Oi, Louis get me a pint, I’ve been unconscious for two months for God’s sake.’

It breaks the sombre mood and everyone ends up laughing, and Zayn doesn’t feel like an outsider now, he doesn’t feel like he’s been left out of an inside joke, and he can’t explain how or why, but he knows that he just _gets_ it. This time round, he just listens and laughs along as each one of them try to imitate Niall or talk about something stupid he would do. He keeps it all in mind, stowing them away into a mental box, hoping that one day he’ll be able understand it.

Their dessert finally arrives at the table, Harry opting for a chocolate milkshake while Zayn gets a slice of tiramisu. Liam and Louis share a chocolate lava cake that comes drenched in a white chocolate sauce. Liam groans as Louis drags the plate towards him, slowly poking his spoon through the centre of the cake and letting the thick melted chocolate sauce ooze out and mixing with the rest on the plate. Harry mumbles quietly to Zayn a hilarious running commentary about how Louis always feeds Liam the first bite of cake whenever they order it for dessert, and then it happens, he feels the scene before him shift out and instead it’s Niall who’s sitting in front of him, his blue eyes twinkling in the dim lights.

_“Oh babe I’m really excited for you to try this chocolate cake, it’s absolutely divine.” Zayn just smiles giddily at him, it’s their third or fourth date, and Niall had insisted that he bring Zayn to this café that apparently had a sublime chocolate cake with a peanut butter sauce, despite Zayn telling him that he hated peanut butter._

_“Well I feel honoured that you’re allowing me to share with you.” Zayn teases as Niall nods his head enthusiastically before he replies with a wink, “Yeah well only for you babe.”_

_When the waiter comes with the dessert, Niall’s eyes light up like a kid in a candy story and he immediately pushes the plate to Zayn, practically jumping in his seat and looking at him excitedly._

_Zayn takes a scoop of the cake, swirling it graciously in the before bringing the fork to his lips, looking at Niall as he watches him, licking his own lips in response although Zayn isn’t sure whether it’s because of him or the cake._

_It’s nice, but…“Um yeah no, sorry but I’m still not a fan of peanut butter.”_

_Niall scoffs at him as he gives him a pout and pulls the plate back towards him. “Ugh, fine, more for me anyway!”_

_Zayn sits back and watches Niall savour each bite that he puts in his mouth, getting completely lost in the taste and practically ignores Zayn who’s sitting right in front of him. Some of the sauce drips onto Niall’s chin as he brings up the fork to his lips, and Zayn laughs and shakes his head at how Niall doesn’t even realise it. He moves into Niall’s space and cups his chin in one hand, leaving the other boy looking confused, hand still holding the fork in mid-air._

_Zayn leans forward slowly without breaking eye contact, and licks the peanut butter off Niall’s pale skin, pulling back to see a crimson blush spreading across his cheeks._

_“Thought you hated peanut butter?” Niall doesn’t break his gaze away from Zayn’s, the edges of his lips forming a small smirk._

_“I do. But it tastes better on you.” Zayn gives him a cheeky smile as Niall wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at him._

“Zayn?”

Zayn blinks a few times and the room comes back into focus, the three boys at the table looking at him curiously.

“Sorry…what were we talking about?”

“Nothing important…you just kind of zoned out there…” Harry looks at him worriedly.

“And you were smiling like an idiot…” Louis chips in, and for some reason that makes Zayn blush.

“Lou…” Zayn’s thankful for Liam coming to the rescue as usual, and he just shakes his head at them before a waiter comes to clear their table, distracting them from Zayn. The warm feeling in the middle of his chest returns, and he can’t help smile at what was playing in his mind just a minute earlier. None of them push him any further, but they’ve all got an inkling as to the possible reasons why there’s a smile on Zayn’s face for the rest of the night.

~

Something that Zayn finds out during dinner is that the three boys have a sort of shift system for their hospital visits. Harry spends his mornings there, which now makes sense to Zayn when he thinks back all those times he woke up to find Harry missing from the flat. Louis goes in the afternoons after school’s over and then Liam joins him in the evenings whenever he’s done with work.

So the next day, Zayn makes sure he’s up before Harry leaves the flat. “I think I wanna come with you.” Harry looks at him, eyebrows raised in surprise.

“I don’t know if I’ll come up but…I just…I’m just getting bored staying in the flat you know?” It’s a weak excuse, but it’s something.

Harry just nods at him, smiles encouragingly while they both grab their winter jackets and leave the flat. When they reach the hospital, Zayn looks up at the building as he contemplates whether or not to go in. He thinks about how Harry spends his mornings sitting next to a sleeping body whose blue eyes are shut to the world and he just…he can’t.

So he takes his cigarettes out and waves Harry to go ahead, finding a bench opposite the road to go sit on. He takes his first puff, letting the smoke settle in his lungs, hopes that it calms the fidgeting in his hands. He might not be able to make it in today, he’s just not ready yet…but sooner or later he knows he’ll have to.

~

It’s a routine after that. He follows Harry every day as the curly-haired boy spends a few hours in Niall’s hospital room, the wooden bench now a regular spot for him. The weather is just coming out of winter, so he’s comfy enough in just his leather jacket. He sits there for however long Harry takes, with his pack of cigarettes and a cup of hot coffee that goes cold within 10 minutes.

Some days Harry will come join him and the both of them will sit in silence, watching on as people go about their day. Sometimes they stay there until Louis comes, the three of them grabbing a quick lunch at the café nearby before going their separate ways, Louis to the hospital and Harry and Zayn back to the flat.

Once he did make it all the way up, after Niall was moved from the ICU to a regular ward, but he got as far as the nurses’ station before turning back…almost running out of the building desperate for a smoke.

He sees Louis almost every day, and Liam too sometimes when the two of them decide to stay over the flat on nights that Liam’s too tired to drive back to their place. Louis and Harry are usually put in charge of making dinner, before the four of them settle down in front of the tv, popping in a movie or watching whatever that’s on.

One night, while Harry’s in his room taking a work call, Liam asks Zayn how he is. And for the first time, Zayn’s comfortable enough in his and Louis’s presence to answer honestly.

“I don’t know. Sometimes when I think about what I do remember, it feels…it feels nice. Especially whenever I hear about how my life turned out. But then sometimes…it just feels surreal. I can’t believe it you know? I walk around the flat sometimes and it’s like…I feel as if someone’s stolen my name and gone and done all these things because it just doesn’t make sense to me.”

“Yeah, but Zayn, you know you’re still the same person right? It’s not like you’ve had a huge personality makeover just because your life took a different turn a few years ago.” Liam says seriously, like it’s important for Zayn to understand it.

“Yeah, I guess…maybe it’ll take time getting used to being comfortable in this skin.” Zayn’s still unconvinced, but he knows that it’s something he’ll have to figure out on his own.

“Well, you’ve got all the time in the world mate.” Liam adds with an encouraging smile, and Zayn can only hope that it’s true.

~

Zayn is sitting on the bench waiting for Harry as usual, when he sees Louis walking towards him. They’ve warmed up to each other in the past two weeks, but they haven’t actually had a conversation with each other by themselves yet. So it’s a little surprising when Louis takes a seat next to him.

“I want you to bring you somewhere.” He says while looking straight in front, not turning to look at Zayn at all.

Zayn just nods as Louis stands up and starts walking towards his car. Zayn follows after him, finishing his cigarette and stubbing it under his boot before he climbs inside.

Louis drives for about 30 minutes, the whole time none of them saying a word, before they come to a posh-looking school. Zayn steps out of the car and looks at the old Victorian building and then another memory comes to him.

_“Mr Malik, I know that you have a degree in English literature and Art and your portfolio is quite impressive, but it says here in your resume that you don’t have any teaching experience?” Mr Cowell, the principal of Granger Weasley College asks him._

_“Yes sir that’s true, but those are two subjects that I’m incredibly passionate about. I’ll be honest with you, I never really had the intention to become a teacher but I remember I’d never have pursued my degree if my  teachers didn’t encourage me back in school. And I’d really love to give back that kind of support for other kids.”_

_Mr Cowell leans back and studies Zayn as he takes in what he’s just said._

_“I have to admit, you’ve got some glowing reviews from Mr Horan and Mr Tomlinson, and I do take their opinions quite seriously.” He looks back down to Zayn’s portfolio, his face not giving away anything, “We’ll call you.”_

_Two days later Louis comes over with an appointment letter for Zayn from the school, shoves it in his hands nonchalantly as he rambles on about his day. Zayn stands shocked, staring at it, “Is this for real, Louis?”_

_Louis finally stops talking and looks at him with a wide smile on his face, nodding his head before jumping onto Zayn and giving him a bone-crushing hug._

“You coming?” Zayn snaps out of his thoughts to see Louis looking down at him as he stands at the top of the stairs. He quickly jogs over and follows the other boy as he walks through the hallways. It’s all completely empty, considering it’s the weekend, and Zayn’s thankful that they won’t bump into any students or other teachers that might recognise him.

Louis walks in front of him, still not saying a word, until they reach a heavy-duty wooden door that he pushes to reveal a wide open space. Louis holds the door for Zayn, who cautiously steps in. It looks like a normal classroom, only in addition to tables and chairs there are easels placed around the room. There are shelves lining the walls, various paints and brushes and canvases arranged in a sort of organised chaos. The walls are covered in artwork, stuff that Zayn thinks must be done by students, _his_ students.

Louis doesn’t go in with him, leaning instead against the doorframe as he watches Zayn walk over to one of the few tables that has a mess of papers scattered on it, unfinished sketches and random drawings done by students, his fingers carefully touching them as if he’s afraid he’ll smudge them dirty.

Suddenly he stops and whips his head to the right, he isn’t sure what it is, but his gut is telling him that there’s something important he’s missing. He walks towards a corner of the room, and finds a barely-concealed door that leads to a separate room at the back of the class. Just before he goes in, he turns back to look at Louis unsure, but the other lad just nods at him encouragingly.

He’s not sure how, but even before he’s gone inside he knows that this room holds his own art space. He walks in to find a small room that’s brightly lit from the skylight in the ceiling, the sun’s rays casting a natural light, illuminating everything.

It’s messy, which isn’t a surprise, but it’s so familiar to Zaynthat he can’t help but feel an immediate sense of relief once he looks around, because this is _him_ , it’s like his mind is out on display here. There’s not much in the room, just a small table against the wall with a bar chair in front of it, where he has no doubt he’s spent many days hunched over with a pencil in his hand drawing some random sketches into his black moleskin.

It’s not a memory that he needs to remember, because it’s a habit he knows probably hasn’t changed much in the last 5 years, considering he’s being doing it ever since he was a teen. He sees the same type of charcoal that he started using in high school lying on the table, and it’s that familiar sight that’s causing a warmth to spread through his bones.

There are canvases lined up against the wall of different sizes, some blank, some filled, some incomplete. A shelf lies in a corner, overflowing with materials and old sketchbooks and pencils. There’s a pin board hanging in front of the table, different sketches and pictures pinned onto it, the same group photo at the beach in Harry’s house is pinned there too, although more frayed around the edges.

He takes a seat on the chair and fingers through the loose papers scattered on the table, which look like sketches that he’s apparently been working on. He’s not surprised to find them all of random things. Some are a particular scenery, some just of cartoon doodles, some are portraits.

He smiles as he finds an unfinished side profile of Harry, and then there’s one of Liam and Louis together. He folds them and safely tucks it into his pocket, a mental note to work on it later. He grabs a few other things, like some more charcoal pencils and one of the sketchbooks that’s in the shelf.

He feels different as he walks out of the room, he feels content, like he’s finally got a confirmation that despite all the changes in his life, he’s still the same person he was 5 years ago. He thinks back to his conversation with Liam the other night, when he talked about feeling like he wasn’t comfortable in his own skin yet, and he thinks that’s the reason why Louis brought him here today. The fact that he understood what Zayn needed before Zayn himself did leaves him feeling grateful, and another reminder that these boys mean so much more to him than he knows.

Louis is sitting at one of the tables when Zayn emerges from the backroom, two cups of tea in front of him, his hand wrapped around his own. He looks up as Zayn walks towards him and gestures towards the seat next to him.

“You’d always be here in your free time at school.” He looks out the window next to the table as he talks, slowly stirring the spoon in his tea and avoiding Zayn’s eyes. “Some days when you knew Niall won’t be home till late, you’d coop yourself up in here until he was done with work and came to pick you up, no matter how late it was.”

Zayn’s heart does that thing again when he tries to imagine himself working away in that little room, waiting for Niall to pick him up, and then both of them going home together. It feels so… _domestic_.

Louis’s voice distracts him, and he’s a thankful for that before he lets his mind run wild. “I used to come find you whenever I had a free period too, whine to you about my life while you were busy drawing a portrait of like your niece or something and I’d beg for you to draw me.”

“Like one of my French girls?” Louis finally looks at him and lets out a loud laugh at his joke, his eyes crinkled up around the edges as he shakes his head, while Zayn just smirks at him, happy that he’s put that smile on Louis’s face.

“Did Harry tell you that Titanic is my all-time favourite movie?” He chuckles.

“No…I just…knew.” And it’s true. It’s just one of those moments when Zayn says something before he thinks, not understanding why he’s said it, but it feels right somehow.

Louis’s smile just gets wider, his blue eyes twinkling in the light shining through the window and it’s an image Zayn is itching to put to paper.

On the ride home, the conversation between Zayn and Louis flows a lot more smoothly, and Zayn finally feels like the wall between them has disappeared.

“Niall comes here every semester on Career Day to give the kids a bit of a pep talk.” Louis breaks the comfortable silence that they eased into after a while and speaks a little hesitantly, like he’s still wary of bringing up Niall in a conversation. “That’s how I met him. He just came up to me and started talking, said we should go out for drinks sometime. I actually thought he was trying to ask me on a date, which he wasn’t, but I politely said No and tried to avoid him throughout the night. Not that I didn’t think he was fit, no offense,” Zayn won’t admit it, but he is a little bit, because Niall is pretty fit, “but it’s just that he was really charming, you know? So I thought he was a total player. Anyway, the next time round he brought Liam along, and he won’t admit it to us but I’m pretty sure he was trying to play matchmaker.”

Louis laughs as he tells Zayn about how he and Liam met, and how Niall had to practically force the two of them to confront their feelings for each other. It’s nice, and Zayn realises that he likes hearing people talk about Niall, the warmth in his chest spreading through him and maybe he doesn’t know it then, but it feels a lot like pride.

~

By the time they reach his flat, Zayn is exhausted, and his head is pounding. It’s been a while since he’s had one of those severe headaches that used to plague him in the early days after the accident, and he thinks it’s probably because of the flashback that he had today. Louis gives him a warm smile as they pull up outside the flat, and Zayn doesn’t hesitate to reach over and pull him in for a hug, whispering a _thanks_ into his neck before he gets out of the car. He feels a lot closer to Louis now, and it’s refreshing to know that he can act normal with him instead of being nervous.

Harry isn’t around, and Zayn assumes he must still be at the hospital or something. He walks straight into the bedroom, grabbing the ibuprofen for his headache and swallowing them dry because he can’t be bothered to get water from the kitchen.

He drops onto the bed, the comforting smell immediately releasing the tension in his body. He thinks about the memory he got back at the school, and he can almost feel it, how nervous he felt going in for the interview, and that that sense of elation when he found out he got the job. He keeps replaying it in his mind, hoping that it would lead to something else, that maybe it’ll be the key that unlocks the rest of his memories. And just before he drifts off to sleep, he sort of gets his wish.

_Zayn sends a quick text to Niall, a simple “I got it :) xx”; the response making him chuckle, “I KNEW IT !! celebrations tonite !! xx”_

_Just like Louis earlier, Niall practically jumps on Zayn when he enters the flat, peppering his face with kisses as he rants about how he knew Zayn had the job in the bag all along. Niall brings him out to a fancy dinner at one of their favourite restaurants to celebrate, and Zayn’s cheeks are hurting because he can’t stop smiling._

_At the end of the night, Niall surprises Zayn with “CONGRATULATIONS!” written in chocolate syrup on their dessert plate. Zayn’s feeling so happy, and looking at the way Niall is smiling at him, blue eyes twinkling, he can’t help it when he leans over the table and kisses his boyfriend, whispering a thank you against his lips. “For what?” Niall looks puzzled but Zayn just sits back and shrugs, hoping the wide smile on his face is enough of an answer._

_That’s the night Zayn knows he’s fallen in love._

With that last thought in his head, Zayn falls asleep with a smile on his face.

_~_

The next day, Zayn opts to sleep in while Harry goes off to the hospital because his headache’s come back and he’s not really in the mood to be sitting outside in the cold.

When he finally gets up at around noon, he sits in the living room with his cup of coffee and a notepad and decides to write down everything that he’s remembered so far.

Harry comes in with lunch, shouting a “Got Mexican today!” as he walks straight into the kitchen, doesn’t prod into what he’s doing, simply going about putting the food onto plates and bringing it to Zayn.

It’s probably about 10 minutes in before Harry breaks, his curiosity getting the best of him.

“Sooo...what you doing there?”

Zayn smiles without looking up, ”Writing down everything that I’m starting to remember.”

Harry’s eyes light up as he scoots over closer on the sofa and looks over at the notepad in Zayn’s hands.

“Shower?!?! You never told me anything about remembering something in the shower!?” Harry wiggles his eyebrows suggestively at Zayn while poking him incessantly in the ribs trying to get him to explain in details.

“Yeah well it was strictly PG mind you…but it was…nice.”

“Okay, whatever you say mate.” He gives him another cheeky wink before taking a bite out of his burrito. “What else then?”

“Well some things are a little random yeah, like I remembered that I got my dad the new iPad for Christmas last year, and then the other day Doniya was telling me I had to read this new book but I knew I had already, and apparently it was only released last year?”

“Hey, this is good yeah? It’s a good sign.”

“I hope so, Haz, I really hope so.”

But still the smile on Harry’s face doesn’t falter, and Zayn feels incredibly lucky that Harry’s so positive about everything that’s been happening because frankly, he’s the only reason why Zayn’s able to push himself to try his best without crumbling into pieces.

~

When the four of them hang out together, everyone seem normal, smiling and joking and acting as if they’re all a group of students who are still in uni, spending their free time watching movies and heading to the pub for drinks.

But Zayn knows it’s just an act. Knows that each time they go out, there’s always a sort of underlying mood in the air to remind them that there’s a missing piece to their dynamic.

It’s been two months and a bit now since the accident and as more and more time passes by, Zayn starts to notices the toll that it takes on the boys, especially since he’s now come to accept Liam and Louis as his brothers.

One night he walks into the kitchen to grab a glass of water but sees Liam standing at the sink with his back towards him, hands gripping hard onto the counter, his knuckles going white while Louis slowly rubs his back, whispering words of comfort into his ear.

Zayn quietly backs out before they notice, because he doesn’t want to hear the soft sobs that are coming from Liam, and he might not have heard it, but he knows Louis is upset too. And it breaks his heart when the two of them come out and join him in the living room later, a smile plastered on their faces pretending like everything is okay, the only trace of their sadness in evident in their puffy eyes.

Maybe because he knows Harry better than he knows himself, but he notices when Harry slips up on his cheery façade more than the other two.

Sometimes Harry goes straight into his room after coming back from the hospital, only coming out after an hour or so, his eyes obviously red from crying. He’s always extra quiet too, leaving Zayn to keep a constant chatter about random things until Harry snaps out of it and finally cracks a smile and eases back into being normal again.

One time Zayn wakes up in the middle of the night to hear the television on. He looks at the clock and sees that it’s 2am, and wonders what Harry’s doing up so late since he’s always the first to go to bed.

He finds him curled up on the sofa, wrapped in the soft afghan and a sweatshirt he knows belongs to Niall because it’s got the Derby County ram on it. He’s staring intently at the screen, and when Zayn walks closer to him, he realises the tears running down the other boy’s face.

“Hey…” Zayn quietly says as he stands in the dark hallway.

Harry looks up startled. “Jesus, Zayn you scared me!”

Zayn just smiles at him and walks over to join him on the sofa. There’s nothing interesting on tv, just a mindless commercial playing that he’s pretty sure isn’t the reason why Harry’s upset.

“You okay Haz?”

Harry doesn’t answer, just nods his head. Zayn knocks his knees against Harry’s, hoping that would encourage him to spill out whatever that’s on his mind.

He looks blankly down at his hands, his fingers playing with the hem of the afghan before he takes a deep breath and chokes out shakily, “I miss him.” His voice breaks and Zayn can see how the tears spring up in those green eyes that he’s so used to seeing looking lively with a cheeky glint.

Zayn doesn’t know what to say, just puts his arm around Harry, his thumb rubbing circles on his shoulder.

“I just…I don’t wanna lose him you know? He gave us…he gave me a chance and I owe everything to him.” Harry stops to wipe the tears from his cheeks. “You know what our life was like, hell to you right now it’s probably fresh in your memory. We were so miserable. And then he came along and he made you so happy and he got you to do things that were good for you and that made _me_ so happy.”

Harry leans his head on Zayn’s shoulder, eyes staring at the tv screen in front of them, his voice a little quieter when he speaks again. “He changed my life too. When I was still an intern, he’d always come by and encourage me and ask me how my day was going. And there were sometimes I swear to God Zayn I just didn’t think it was worth it, but he never let me give up. I could never thank him enough, Z. Because this life I’ve got…LA and everything…it’s all cause of him. And he brought Liam and Louis along with him and you said it yourself that day, we all…fit. But Niall…he’s the screw that holds us all together and I can’t…I don’t know what we’ll do without him…I just…” he lets his sentence drift away, choking back tears from the words he’s not saying.

Zayn holds onto Harry tighter, and can’t help but feel an overwhelming burst of affection for these two people, both probably the most important people in his life.

They both sleep in his and Niall’s bed that night, curled up against each other like the old times when either of them was having a bad day and just needed the other, keeping each other grounded to make sure that they never let themselves drift away. It should feel familiar, but Zayn can’t help but feel like the bed’s a little cold and empty, as if there’s a part of him that’s missing.

~

It’s a Saturday evening, and the four of them are sitting in the flat waiting for the pizza they ordered to arrive. They’d spent the day in the hospital, Liam and Louis meeting with Niall’s doctor while Harry waited outside with Zayn.

“They don’t really understand why he hasn’t woken up. He’s practically healed from his injuries, and the bleeding in his brain has stopped.” Louis sighs in frustration, his head between his hands as he rubs the tiredness out of his eyes.

“Is it normal for someone in his condition?” Harry enquires.

“They just think it’s unusual…but the only thing that’s worrying them now is his mobility, cause it’s coming up to 3 months now and he’ll need loads of physio to get his joints working again.” Liam chips in.

Everyone falls silent, the question of whether or not Niall will wake up left up in the air. Luckily, the doorbell rings just then and everyone snap out of their sombre states, Harry getting up to pay for the pizza.

“Put the telly on will ya Zayn, I’ll get the plates.” Louis shouts while he walks into the kitchen with Liam following behind him.

Harry comes back with the 2 large boxes while Louis juggles a few bottles of beer in both hands and Liam carries the plates to the living room.

“When did you get a new watch?” Harry says as they all sit down around the coffee table, looking at the new accessory on Liam’s wrist.

“Lou got it for me for our anniversary.” Liam says proudly as he sticks his hand out to show Zayn, sneaking an adoring look at Louis who’s smiling shyly.

“Bit flashy innit?” Harry chides, knowing that it’ll annoy the shit out of Louis.

“Shut up Styles. I think he deserves something that looks a little posh, considering he’s a big time producer and everything!” and Zayn knows that Harry’s done the deed, the annoyance clear in Lou’s voice.

Harry rolls his eyes at him, but Zayn can see the satisfied smirk he has on his face and it’s ridiculous how childish the two of them act with each other sometimes.

“Did you also end up heading to Lake Como?” It comes out of Zayn’s mouth before he gets a chance to process it, and it still hasn’t registered in his head because he’s too distracted by trying to wipe the pizza sauce that he accidentally spilled on the sofa.

“What? Lou, you’re crazy! That would have cost a bomb!” Liam is genuinely surprised and Zayn freaks out for a minute because he wonders whether he’s just let out a secret he wasn’t supposed to.

But Louis doesn’t answer Liam, just stares at Zayn with wide eyes, his expression blank and serious.

“Lou?” Liam asks him worryingly but Louis just ignores him.

“Zayn, how did you know that?”

It takes a while for Zayn’s mind to catch up before he realises what Louis is asking him. To be honest he didn’t even think before he said it, and now that he thinks about it, he isn’t sure how he knows and when Louis told him about it.

“Zayn…” Louis’s voice is shaky, and it’s like he’s trying hard not to let his emotions get the best of him, “I told you about that idea like…7 months ago.”

Zayn is too gobsmacked before he finds the words to reply. “It…It just came out? I didn’t even think…”

Harry and Liam are looking at the two of them, confusion clear on their faces, and Louis is still staring at Zayn with the same blank expression on his face. Zayn’s a little afraid, because Louis genuinely does look serious but Harry’s rolling his eyes so hard and Liam’s smiling fondly and there’s so many different emotions everyone’s showing that he isn’t really sure what to think about it.

And then suddenly he’s got a handful of Louis in his lap, his pizza knocked out of his hand and now lying sloppily on the floor. 

Harry groans while he tries to assure Zayn that this is normal behaviour for Louis. “Zayn, I hope you remember what a drama queen he is.”

Louis scoffs loudly, looking up from Zayn’s neck to stick him tongue out at Harry before he smacks a sloppy kiss on Zayn’s cheek and finally gets off him. Zayn looks at Liam confused but he only gets a shrug in response while he laughs at his boyfriend.

“Babe, even I have to agree to that.”

“How dare you!” Louis swats at Liam’s hands, almost looking offended.

Liam turns to look at Zayn to tell him something and it’s amusing how Louis almost climbs over the table to silence him. “Once I was in Paris for a week to work with some artists right, and there was a bomb blast at one of the train stations. Anyway I sent him a quick text to let him know I was okay, and then I’d left it on silent cause we were busy putting down a track right-”

“Does it even matter! You didn’t even bother ringing me!” Louis interrupts him, eyes looking accusingly at his boyfriend.

“I didn’t think I had to! I told you that I was okay and far far away in a little French town, locked up in the studio!” Liam exclaims loudly.

 “Yeah but it couldn’t have hurt you to just call me and speak to me for like 2 minutes!”

Liam ignores Louis, instead fixing him with a playful stare. “Tell Zayn what you ended up doing Lou.”

Louis keeps his mouth shut.

“He got on a plane and arrived in Paris past midnight, even dragged Niall along because he was the only one who knew where the studio was, which by the way was another three hour car ride out into the French countryside.” Harry answers instead.

“Oh gee, I’m sorry Liam, I’m sorry that I just wanted to hear my boyfriend’s voice to make sure he’s o-”

Louis stops what he’s saying and turns his head carefully to look at Zayn with wide eyes and the same blank expression he had on earlier, but this time it just amuses Zayn and he really does agree with them when they say he’s a drama queen.

“What’s wrong?” he asks, trying hard to swallow the laughter that’s threatening to rip through his chest.

“That’s it, isn’t it?” Louis speaks slowly, as if there’s a light bulb that’s gone off in his head.

“What’s it?” Harry presses, all of them now looking at him curiously.

“I didn’t believe that Liam was alive until I actually saw him in front of me.”

They’re all still a little lost, looking at each other confused.

Louis sighs, getting exasperated that no one’s getting his point. “Think about it. The doctors say that Niall’s fine, that he should be waking up but he’s not. All this time, the only people that he’s heard talk to him are me, Harry and Liam. But he hasn’t heard Zayn.”

“What are you trying to get at Lou?” Liam asks slowly.

“We’ve been telling him that Zayn’s okay and that he’s alive and well, that nothing serious happened to him in the accident but…but Zayn hasn’t come in to see him yet, and if Zayn was alive, he’d be there every single day, holding his fucking hand and talking to him and asking him to man up and wake the fuck up.”

Zayn tries not to flinch at Louis’s words, because he knows that it wasn’t meant negatively, but he still doesn’t know what that has to do with anything.

The next thing Louis says hits Zayn straight in his chest, and he forgets how to breathe for a minute.

“Why would Niall want to fight for his life if he thought Zayn was gone?”

Everyone is silent.

And finally, Zayn gets it.

~

“So why haven’t you gone to see him then?” Louis asks him later while the two of them are standing outside having a smoke. If Zayn hadn’t already gotten used to Louis over the past few weeks, he’d probably feel a little blindsided by his question, but now he knows that he isn’t being put on the spotlight.

“I think I’m afraid.”

“We all are, Zayn.”

“No, it’s just that…I can’t even remember everything and…I’m afraid that if it all comes back to me once I see him…what if he doesn’t make it? I can’t…I don’t think I could handle losing him twice.”

It’s nothing but shame that’s keeping his head down from meeting Louis’s eyes. But a few seconds later, he feels an arm wrapped around his shoulder, warm fingers rubbing over the cold bare skin that he didn’t bother to cover up with a jacket.

Louis gives out a long sigh, and they’re so close together, that Zayn can feel it rumbling through his chest.

“All we have to do is hope, mate.”

Zayn just nods, _what if it’s not enough?_ , hanging loosely on his tongue.

~

_“Zayn, what’s the matter?”_

_“What’s the matter? What the hell kind of shit were you trying to pull back there?” Zayn was shaking, the anger he was feeling coming through in his voice to the point he was practically shouting at Niall._

_They had just come back from dinner at Liam and Lou’s, where Niall had spent most of the time trying to persuade Zayn to consider applying for a teacher's position at the same college as Louis. He’d mentioned it to them about a week ago, saying there was an opening for an Arts teacher, and while it sounded like a good opportunity Zayn just wasn’t interested so he shot it down immediately._

_But Niall seemed adamant to make Zayn reconsider, and wouldn’t stop talking about it. Zayn was pretty sure tonight’s dinner was a set-up, because the entire time both Louis and Niall were trying to persuade him to go for the interview and by the end of it Zayn felt like he was getting ganged up on._

_“I’m sorry if I’m just trying to help you-” Zayn doesn’t let him finish because it’s all excuses to his ears._

_“I don’t think trying to force me to do something I don’t want to do means you’re helping me Niall!” Zayn practically screams at him, violently shrugging off the hand that Niall’s placed on his shoulder. It’s a little disturbing to Niall, who takes a step back, seeing how much anger is radiating off his boyfriend._

_It deflates him a bit, seeing Niall’s eyes widen in concern, and some of the tension leaves his body, instead it’s replaced with irritation. “Why can’t you just accept that I don’t want to do it?”_

_Niall sighs, walking towards the sofa and taking a seat as he stares at the blank wall in front of him. “Because I know why. Cause you’re too afraid to try.”_

_It’s like a slap to his face when Zayn hears the words come out of Niall’s mouth and before he knows it he feels his blood boil._

_“You think you’re not good enough. You keep putting yourself down and you never let yourself take any chances. Why do you think you’re still slaving away at the grocery store? You’ve got so much talent and I hate seeing you waste it away. You don’t want to take the teaching job because you’re afraid that you’ll fail or something, but I know you’re great with kids, I’ve seen you with Amira, Zayn! I can see how much patience you have with her and the way your eyes light up when you help her hold a paintbrush and it boggles me that you can’t see that too!”_

_Zayn’s a little taken aback, confused at how that’s related at all. “That’s different, Niall. That’s-” and Zayn really doesn’t know what to say to that, and he’s so dumbfounded by it that he doesn’t think before the words come out of his mouth next._

_“Look, why don’t you just be honest about the real reason why you want me to take that job.”_

_“What else have I been talking about all this time Zayn?” It’s Niall’s turn to look exasperated, his face scrunched up in a frown, shaking his head as if condescendingly which only infuriates Zayn even more._

_“Yeah right. Sure it’s not because you’re just ashamed of me? Ashamed of your boyfriend who has to work two jobs to keep up with rent unlike some big shot who works at a record company?” The bitterness in his voice pierces through the apartment. It’s something that’s always been bugging Zayn at the back of his head, whenever they go out for one of Niall’s company parties or hears a story about all the singers that Niall’s been working with, he can’t even compare his life to Niall’s._

_“Zayn, what-”_

_“Save it Niall. If you were embarrassed of me you should have just said so, I’m sorry that I can’t be as successful as you.”_

_Niall’s face falls and it’s replaced with a kind of sadness that Zayn has never seen before, and when he speaks, Zayn struggles to keep his emotions in check after hearing the hurt in Niall’s voice. “How could you- Zayn, of all people how could you think that I’d be capable of thinking such a thing?”_

_Zayn doesn’t reply, afraid that if he opens his mouth then he’ll admit defeat and he wasn’t ready to back down, not yet, but seeing how broken Niall looks is twisting his insides and leaving a tight feeling in his chest._

_“I think...I think we’ve said some things tonight that both of us regret...it’s getting late, we should...we should sleep on it yeah? We’ll...we’ll talk about this tomorrow.”_

_And after all this, Niall still has the decency to give him a small smile, and a light peck to his cheek before walking into the bedroom._

_Zayn stands in the same spot for five minutes before the urge to smoke gives in, eventhough he promised Niall that he’d try to stop. He thinks, fuck it, going into the spare bedroom to grab his leather jacket which has his secret stash of cigs before leaving the flat._

_He stays outside smoking for an hour, the conversation replaying in his head and it’s doing nothing to calm him down. He thinks about heading back inside after he finishes his sixth cigarette, but then he looks up at Niall’s building, new and maintained, noticing how different it is to his own, which was probably a few steps from collapsing in on itself. Zayn had practically moved in here since the two of them had started going out, Zayn preferring the warmth of Niall’s carpeted living room to the ice cold bare floors in his._

_It hits him again, how different their lives are, but this time he figures maybe it just isn’t meant to work out. He doesn’t go back in, instead catches a cab back to his flat, no matter how much he dreads stepping foot into that dreary place._

_He ignores Niall’s texts and phone calls for the next few weeks. He doesn’t even explain anything to Harry, eventhough he knows he sent Niall a quick text to let him know Zayn was alright and to give him a little space._

_But Niall stills send him a text almost every day, mostly to apologise, to ask him to come over so that they can talk, or to give him another chance._

**_Zayn, I’m really sorry about the things I said, can we please talk? x_ **

**_I shouldn’t have forced you, i know i overstepped the line x_ **

**_Zayn give me a chance to explain ? x_ **

_Sometimes he’ll send something about his day, acting as if everything was alright._

**_hahaha leemo was so sleepy this morning he spilt half his coffee on his pants !_ **

**_babe dark knight is on tv right now! xx_ **

**_ugh i kno i said i won’t eat it again but just had some of those rolls from the chinese place across the street and now i’m feeling siiiiick want u here for a cuddle :)_ **

_Zayn reads them all, deleting them after, pushing down the dread that fills up his chest. But he still keeps a particular message that Niall sent him one night, that he reads over and over again before he goes to sleep, the warm feeling in his chest never disappearing._

**_baby come home x_ **

_And it’s not that Zayn doesn’t miss him, because he does, he misses him in the mornings when he wakes up in his cold flat and there’s no warm body pressed against him. He misses him when he has his breakfast because there’s no one stealing a sip from his coffee or a bite from his toast. He misses him when he comes home from work because there’s no one to take the day’s exhaustion away with a foot rub and a cuddle. And he misses him most when he goes to sleep, misses the lingering smell of minty mouthwash, misses the press of lips against his, misses the tickle of hair against his neck, misses him like he’s missing a part of himself._

_And there are some times he misses him so much, he doesn’t remember why he’s put himself in this situation where he’s missing Niall in the first place._

_But then he remembers. He remembers when he goes to work at the store, or when he’s stumbling home in the middle of the night from the bar, tired from his long day trying to make ends meet. The words from their fight echoing in his mind. So maybe he really was scared, to try for something that was outside of his comfort zone, even if it meant it involved doing something he was passionate about. But he just couldn’t do it. And his ego was preventing him from crawling back into Niall’s arms._

_It doesn’t surprise him when he comes home from his shift at the store one night to find Liam sitting on his sofa with a cup of tea in front of him. He gives Zayn a warm smile when he sees him walk through the front door, but there’s a hardness in his eyes that don’t suit him._

_“What are you doing here Liam?”_

_“Harry let me in before he left for the pub.” Zayn just shrugs at his response, choosing to ignore him and goes straight into the kitchen instead to find something to eat._

_But Liam follows, fixing him with a hard stare from where he stands in the doorway. “Niall hasn’t heard from you in three weeks Zayn.”_

_Zayn lets out a tired sigh. He really doesn’t want to deal with this especially after a long day. “What do you want me to say Liam?”_

_“I wanna know what the hell is going on. You just walked out on him…at least talk to him. He’s...he’s pretty cut up over this.” Zayn can’t help it when he snorts at Liam’s words. He can hardly believe that this was affecting Niall more than it was him, he’d known him for five months now and in that time he’d never seen Niall get angry or upset about anything other than when his beloved Rams were losing a game._

_There’s a look of disappointment that flashes across Liam’s face. “You don’t think so?” Zayn just stares blankly back at Liam, unsure what to say._

_There’s a moment when Zayn thinks that Liam is about to scream at him, but he catches a hold of himself, clenching his fists and taking a deep breath to calm down. Liam was never the confrontational type, and Zayn’s thankful for that because he’s pretty sure he could knock him down if he wanted to._

_“Zayn, he told me what you were fighting about and...I know that he pushed you too much, I can understand that…but I hope you don’t take it personally. I just…” he’s biting his lip and seems lost, like he’s trying to articulate into words the thoughts that are running in his head._

_“Did he tell you anything about his family?” Zayn shakes his head, because they never really talked about it. The only thing he knew was that Niall’s parents had passed away when he was young and that he was never really close to his older brother. Niall was always asking about Zayn’s family though, especially after they made that impromptu trip to Bradford, he was practically adopted already. But whenever Zayn asked him about his side, he’d shrug it off saying that there was nothing to say._

_“Yeah, took him awhile to tell me too,” Liam continues. “His parents died when he was 8 years old you know?” Zayn nods, he knows this much. “His brother was 16 by then and he was lucky, I think his friend’s family took him in. But Niall, he was bounced between his relatives from one home to the next.”_

_Zayn was a little stunned, he never expected it. Niall always said that he went to live with relatives but never went into detail about it and Zayn never asked because he figured if Niall wanted to tell him then he just would. “He didn’t really get attention anywhere he went, and he just got used to it. He learnt to take care of himself and become independent and he worked hard to get to where he is today Zayn. Coming out here to study, getting out of Ireland, it wasn’t easy...but he managed to do it, all while never complaining and with a smile on his face.”_

_Liam sits down at the small dining table that still looks too big for this quaint kitchen. “We weren’t even close friends in uni, only shared a couple of classes throughout the years, but he was always asking about me, where I came from and all that. Knew that things weren’t easy for me growing up as well, and was telling me to call him if I needed any help. Anyway...two months after we graduated, he rang me out of the blue, saying he’d just started an internship at this record company and that I should come join him, that he’d already spoken to his boss about it. Just like that.”_

_Liam is shaking his head fondly, rubbing the tiredness from his eyes as he thinks back to the memory of getting that call from Niall. “I was baffled, I couldn’t understand it. Why me, you know? I asked him about it later, on a drunken night out, and you know what he told me? He said he knew this was my dream, and so it was only fair for him to share this amazing opportunity with me. I think I mentioned to him once how I was worried that I’d never be able to financially support myself, and he knew what that feels like, and he just wanted to help.”_

_He finally looks up at Zayn, who’s speechless and hasn’t moved from his spot by the sink. “Do you see what I’m saying Zayn? He’s always trying to help everyone else. He’ll sit there at work sometimes during his lunch break, and he’ll go through job listings to see if there’s anything you might like, and he’ll tell me how you came home the night before after work completely knackered and it made him feel helpless.”_

_Zayn thinks about the foot rubs and the warm plate of dinner already ready for him when he got home and every hole that Niall had filled since he walked into Zayn’s life._

_“He just wants it better for you. He thinks…he thinks that he isn’t enough to make you happy.”_

_It’s like Liam’s hit the nail in the coffin, and Zayn doesn’t want to hear any more. But Liam still continues and Zayn can’t do anything else but listen._

_“I’ve never seen him feel this way about anyone before, he’s never showed so much emotion as he does with you Zayn.”_

_Liam walks up to him and places a hand on his shoulder, forcing Zayn to look at him. “Just…go see him or at least call him and talk to him. Please…you owe him that much, yeah?”_

_Zayn says nothing, and stays still where he stands, Liam’s words still echoing in his head long after he leaves._

_Later on when Harry comes stumbling into the flat at 2am he finds Zayn curled up on the sofa, he’s awake and looking blankly into space, doesn’t even turn his head when Harry calls out his name. So he keeps quiet, just sits on the armrest by Zayn’s head, waiting for him to make the first move._

_“Am I being a dickhead?” Zayn finally asks, lifting his head and looking up at Harry, who’s got a teasing look on his face, but stops once he sees how serious Zayn is._

_“I think...” Harry lets out a sigh, his hand reaching down to rub the back of Zayn’s head, “I think you have a right to be angry. But I think you’re being angry for the wrong reasons.”_

_He leaves it at that, and Zayn thinks he finally understands._

_Niall gave him a key to his flat a month into their relationship, just like that, with a big smile on his face and planting a kiss to Zayn’s cheek saying, “I want you around all the time.”_

_So Zayn lets himself into the flat the next day, a month after their fight, and he’s not sure what he’s doing there and what he’s gonna say to Niall but right now he thinks being here is enough for a first step._

_The first thing he notices when he walks into the living room is the state of mess that it’s in. Niall isn’t the cleanest person, but he likes some sort of order with his things and at the moment his living room looked like a hurricane had gone through it, boxes of takeaway and empty beer cans lying around on the coffee table and on the floor. Even his guitar was lying carelessly next to the mess, which was surprising because Niall treats that thing like it’s a priceless artefact._

_Zayn knows that it was unfair of him to think that Niall was unaffected by their fight, and it’s obvious from Liam’s visit yesterday and the state of his flat that he was far from correct._

_It sinks in then, how much Zayn’s missed him. Missed the way Niall had fit himself so seamlessly into the holes of Zayn’s life. If there was one thing that he agreed fully with Liam, it was that Niall loved taking care of people and he knows that Niall always does things for him without asking for anything in return._

_So when Niall comes home three hours later, it’s to the smell of chicken and potatoes roasting in the oven and his living room looking spotless, his guitar dusted and placed in its stand by the tv. He drops his bag by the door and walks straight to the kitchen, where he finds Zayn standing by the sink washing some salad leaves._

_“Zayn” it comes out in a whisper, quiet, like he’s afraid that if he says it any louder, Zayn would suddenly disappear._

_Zayn doesn’t turn his head at the sound of Niall’s voice. Instead he briefly looks over his shoulder before turning his attention back to the sink._

_“The chicken should be ready in a bit. You gonna go wash up first?”_

_He’s met with silence for a few minutes before he finally turns to look at Niall, who’s still stuck in the same spot, staring at Zayn as if he can’t believe it. He raises his eyes at him, and Niall shakes out of his daze._

_“Why are you…I mean I’m happy you’re here but…I don’t understand?”_

_“I made you some dinner. How long’s it been since you did the laundry? Your clothes were all over the place when I came in. And there was nothing in your fridge. I went out and got some stuff that wasn’t beer and chips.  You didn’t even have milk Niall. And I hope you noticed that I cleared the mess that was your living room. When did you even take the rubbish out? I swear the kitchen was smelling fowl.” Zayn keeps on talking while he finishes the salad but Niall stays silent. Still stuck in the same spot since he came in._

_Zayn dishes out chicken, potatoes and salad out onto two plates, placing them on the dinner table before taking a seat, then looking expectantly at Niall._

_“I thought…I thought you were mad at me. Why are you doing this?” Niall slowly asks._

_And Zayn’s been thinking about that too. Why did he just spend the whole afternoon cleaning Niall’s flat and did his groceries and made him dinner? But honestly, the answer was really simple._

_“You’re always looking after everyone…who’s looking after you?”_

_Niall slumps into the chair as the tension leaves his body, reaches across the table and grabs onto Zayn’s hand. When he looks into Niall’s eyes, it takes every fibre in his body to stop him from leaning over and kissing the tears off his face._

_“I’m glad you’re here.”_

_Zayn smiles for the first time in what feels like forever, finally leans forward to close the gap between him and Niall to place a soft kiss against his lips. “I’m glad I’m here too.”_

_They don’t talk about the fight, and maybe there’s a lot of things unsaid between them, but Zayn’s sure they’ll get through it slowly. Because for now, he wasn’t planning on going anywhere, and they’d learn to deal with each other over time._

_Two weeks later Zayn goes for the job interview at the college, completely on his accord, but with Niall’s gentle support pushing him towards it._

_~_

Zayn wakes up in a start, the images from his dream still fresh in his mind. He can still feel the touch of Niall’s fingers wrapped around his wrist, the ghost of a kiss against his lips, and it’s making his head spin wild. 

He’s sweating through his shirt, his breathing ragged and it feels like his heart is beating out of his chest. It’s just after midnight so he’d only been asleep for an hour. His throat is dry and he’s feeling hot wrapped under the blanket, so he quickly gets out of bed to grab a glass of water from the kitchen and maybe a smoke if he’s still feeling restless. When he walks out of his room, the living room is dimly lit, and he figures that Louis and Liam probably passed out while watching tv.

Instead, he sees that they’re still awake, apparently haven’t even pulled the sofa out to make the bed, because Liam is sitting up, his head thrown back and facing the ceiling with his eyes closed. Louis has his head on Liam’s lap, curled up against his body, face nestled against his stomach while Liam runs his fingers through his hair. Both of them look exhausted, and Zayn wonders when they’ll get their lives back, wonders when all of them will get off this rollercoaster.

They don’t notice him standing in the darkness of the hallway, and there’s something about the way they’re positioned that makes him stand still, unable to move forwards because he’s afraid to disturb them.

Liam says something, mumbled into his hand as he rubs his face, and if the tv hadn’t been on mute Zayn wouldn’t have caught a word even in the silence of the night. Louis just shushes him, bringing his hand up to cup his cheek and let his fingers graze Liam’s jaw in a comforting touch.

Zayn backs up slowly, walking back into his room in a daze, trying to shut the door as quietly as he can before he sits on the bed, staring at the floor in front of him. He stays like that for a while, and it might not have been loud, but Zayn can still hear Liam’s mumbled words ringing over and over again in his head.

_“They say he isn’t going to make it.”_

~

He doesn’t sleep at all that night.

He sits on the edge of his bed, staring into space blankly as he replays his dream over and over again to distract himself from Liam’s words.

When that doesn’t help him, he tries to go to sleep, but tosses and turns in bed instead, his mind refusing to let him give into slumber.

So he gets up and decides to clean his room, picking up clothes off the floor and folding the mess that’s in the closet. He’s just put the last shirt in the clothes hamper when he sees something peeking out from under the bed.

He pulls out a small black notebook, opens it to find even more sketches that he’s done. They’re all of Niall, even has one of the both of them. He knows these are just random drawings, stuff he’s probably done when he’s bored or when he can’t sleep. Towards the back of the book he finds a few pages where he’s written quotes from books he’s read, a habit that he’s always had from university.

He reads through them one by one, some that he recognises from books he’s already read, and some from books he can’t remember reading. He’s at the second page of quotes when he sees one that’s not written in his handwriting.

_I love you – Niall Horan_

His fingers trace over the words inked into the blank page before he remembers Liam’s words again and closes the book hastily. Instead he takes the rough sketch of Harry that he found in the art studio from the other day, and works at finishing it up.

When the sun comes up, Zayn quietly slips out of the flat, after sparing a glance at Liam and Louis tangled up in each other, swallowing the bile that threatens to come up his throat when he thinks back to last night. He doesn’t know where he wants to go, just lets his feet take the lead and walks for a long time. He’s got his cigarettes in hand, takes one out and puts it behind his ear before putting the pack in his jeans pocket, his fingers placed over as if he’s holding onto it like a safety net.

Before he knows it, he’s standing outside a familiar brown building and takes his usual place on the bench, hesitating for a bit before sliding the cigarette from his ear and lighting it. _Okay one then_.

He takes his time inhaling the smoke, until his fingers go icy cold from the early morning breeze, curses himself for forgetting to bring the pair of woollen red gloves he’s seen lying in the corner of his bedroom on the floor for the past few weeks.

There’s a dozen thoughts fleeting through his head, things about the past and everything he’s remembered. And as he slowly finishes his cigarette, all his thoughts filter down to one that stands out in his mind as clear as the sun that’s shining it’s rays through the clouds.

_“You’re always looking after everyone…who’s looking after you?”_

He walks in before he can change his mind.

~

The opening hours haven’t started yet, but when he reaches the ward the nurses recognise him and don’t say a word, giving him an encouraging smile instead.

He walks straight to Niall’s room, remembers how he couldn’t even get past the nurses station the last time, and pushes down any fear that threatens to come back. He take a moment when he’s standing right outside, resting his forehead against the plain white door.

He thinks of Niall singing Fly Me to the Moon that night, the look of pure love that was in his eyes and the butterflies that were fluttering in his stomach.

He thinks of Mira’s face lighting up as she talked about Niall teaching her how to play the guitar and the clear adoration in his mum’s voice when she spoke about him.

He thinks about Liam and Louis and Harry, all doing their parts by making sure Niall was never alone and never expecting anything from Zayn.

He knows that he’s got to be there for Niall now more than ever.

He takes a deep breath, gathering his courage before opening the door, and when he walks in the sight before him shocks him.

The Niall he sees in his memories and pictures around the flat is different to the one lying on the bed. The Niall he _knows_ has skin the colour of sunshine in the morning, and eyes so blue the sky would be jealous. This Niall…there are tubes attached to different parts of his body, and his eyes are closed, his gorgeous eyes that Zayn has dreamt about every night hidden from the world.

Zayn walks towards the bed slowly. He doesn’t dare to touch, but he’s itching, itching to see Niall’s eyes, to see the light that shines through them that he knows has always warmed his soul.

“Niall…” he says softly, his voice coming out in a whisper, as if saying his name would take all this away from him and maybe, just maybe this has been a dream all along.

And finally, Zayn breaks down and starts crying.

 


	3. i know you're out there, we're meant to be

_Zayn was exhausted when he came home from work, it was the exam period and he had spent the whole day marking papers and he was so tired that all he wanted to do was curl up next to Niall on the sofa, order in some curry and pop a movie on._

_His boyfriend on the other hand, apparently had a different plan in mind._

_The minute Zayn walked in through the door, Niall jumped on him, giving him a wet kiss on his cheek, loudly exclaiming that they were going out for dinner. Zayn tried to plead with him, even offered him a blowjob as compensation, but Niall was not budging no matter how long Zayn pouted at him._

_And he wasn’t one to deny his boyfriend, especially when Niall was looking so excited, so he dragged his feet to the bathroom to have a quick shower and got ready for their night out._

_They headed to a fancy tapas bar that was right smack in the middle of London. It was a little posher than their usual haunts, but Niall had loved it when his company had one of their annual dinners here so he made it a point to bring Zayn here for a date night every couple of months._

_It ends up being a nicer evening than Zayn expected it to be, because eventhough all he wanted earlier was a quiet night in, he still feels relaxed sitting in this little corner of the restaurant, sipping on some wine while Niall was animatedly talking to him about his day. He loved watching Niall speak, because he never brought any of the tension from work home, instead he’d rather share some new funny story that happened, arms waving around wildly and a wide smile on his face while he recounts it._

_Zayn was ready to call for the bill after the waiter came to clear their dinner plates, but Niall didn’t make any moves to leave and before he knew it there was a covered dessert plate put in front of him._

_“We didn’t order any dessert?” Zayn asks the waiter, but there’s a twinkle in Niall’s eyes and he’s grinning so widely that Zayn knows that he’s got to be behind it. It feels so familiar, and Zayn gets a sense of déjà vu back to that night four years ago when Niall made a similar gesture when he got the job at the college._

_Niall simply wiggles his eyebrows at Zayn, jerking his head towards the plate in front of him._

_He opens the lid to find a small round chocolate cake underneath it, and on top of it written in pink icing were the words “HAPPY 50TH MONTHSARY!!” squeezed in to fit._

_Zayn looks dumbfounded for a moment, suddenly afraid that he’s missed some important milestone in their relationship._

_“What’s this?” he asks, a little dumbfounded but at the same time heand can’t keep the smile from forming on his face._

_“Well, someone happened to ask me today how long we’ve been together. And you know me, I couldn’t just give a vague answer like ‘four years and a bit’, so I did a bit of counting and guess what! We’ve been together for 50 months! That’s a pretty big number yeh? What is it, gold or summat? Anyway, I thought that called for celebration. Cause what kind of crazy person bears to stay with me for that long?"_

_A crazy person like me, Zayn wants to say. But he refrains because all he wants to do now is kiss that smug smile off Niall’s face._

_“You’re so cheesy you know that.” Zayn tells him before leaning forward to give Niall a kiss. He still loves seeing the rush of blood that spreads across Niall's pale cheeks up close, knowing that after all this time, he can still feel the butterflies in his stomach, and that Niall feels the exact same way._

_The cake is big enough for at least six people to eat, but with Niall’s appetite they’ve finished almost three-quarters of it before giving the rest of it to the waiters at the restaurant. They leave walking hand in hand, Zayn feeling a light buzz from the 4 glasses of wine he's had, he’s leaning into Niall and laying kisses over the side of his face and neck just to see him blush again._

_“I didn’t even get you anything.” Zayn tells him on their way back home, giving him a little pout, which makes Niall smile at him fondly._

_“I get to bring you home, that’s a pretty awesome gift in itself I think.” It's a cheeky comment, but when Niall brings their intertwined fingers to his lips, giving each of Zayn’s knuckles a light kiss, it sounds sincere._

_Zayn feels his heart swell in his chest and suddenly one of his favourite quotes pops into mind, conveniently a Rumi quote, and it perfectly describes how he feels about Niall._

_“What are you smiling about?” Niall asks him, when he catches Zayn staring into space smiling._

_He turns to look at the boy in the driver’s seat, the passing streetlights illuminating just enough of his face to pick out the blues in his eyes and the blonde tips in his hair, and Zayn is overwhelmed with how much love he feels for this boy who’s all goofy grins and romantic gestures. He removes his hand from Niall’s, lifting it up to let his forefinger trace the pale sharp jaw that’s covered in a bit of stubble, tickling the pad of Zayn’s finger._

_““Even after all this time_

_The Sun never says to the Earth_

_‘You owe me.'_

_Look what happens with a love like that._

_It lights up the whole sky””_

_Niall’s face breaks out into a huge grin. “Baby…you know I love it when you talk poetry to me.” He says cheekily. “My own personal poet.”_

_I’ll be your anything, Zayn wants to say. “You’re my sun.”_

_“You’re such a sap.” Niall’s laughing, his eyes crinkling up at the sides while he tries to focus on the road, his hand coming to rest on Zayn’s knee._

_“Only for you babe.” Zayn sticks his tongue out at him, letting his hand cover Niall’s._

_“That's why I love you.”_

_“That’s why I love you too.”_

_And Zayn wants to burn this memory to his skin, he wants to keep it close and never forget it, how the lightness in his chest feel like, the look of love on Niall’s face, his own cheeks hurting because he hasn’t stopped smiling since they started out for dinner, most of all he wants to remember the warmth under his hand where it’s intertwined with Niall’s._

_Then suddenly there’s darkness._

_One minute he’s tapping a random tune on the back of Niall’s hand, looking out the window when he hears a shout, a flash of bright lights that blind him, and then everything goes black._

_“Zayn…babe talk to me you okay?” he slowly comes to as Niall’s voice floats through his consciousness. His chest hurts and he’s struggling to breathe. Niall’s voice sounds shaky and broken, like he’s calling out to Zayn from afar, but he can feel a hand wrapped tightly around his wrist, the slight pressure of a thumb rubbing against his pulse point._

_“Babe??”_

_Zayn tries to reply, he opens his mouth but nothing comes out, his chest hurts each time he takes a breath and he's starting to feel dizzy. He can’t even try to squeeze Niall’s hand to assure him that he’s okay, because the other boy’s got such a firm grip on him that Zayn can barely move it. He rolls his head to the right instead, tries to open his eyes to look at Niall, to make sure he’s okay but it’s a blur, and he can barely make out Niall’s face. He feels pain, so much pain, and it feels like his whole body is on fire._

_"I love you, Zayn, always know that okay? I love you I love you I love you.”_

_It’s the last thing he hears before he passes out._

~

Zayn jumps awake in his seat, his hands gripping onto the armchair while he slowly wakes up from his dream. He’s feeling a little disoriented, the line between reality and his dreams blurring for a minute as the images still flash through his mind. He’s out of breath and he can feel his heart beating out of his chest, and he’s trying hard to calm himself down to get his breathing under control.

He feels a pair of hands gripping onto his shoulders, steadying him, and he looks up to see Liam standing over him, concern obvious in his brown eyes and Zayn can’t do anything else but just stare into them, hoping that they’ll keep him grounded when he feels like he’s about to pass out at any time.

He still feels the panic coursing through his veins, and it’s not doing anything to calm his nerves. He can see Liam’s lips moving but nothing he says is registering in Zayn’s mind, so he focuses on looking into those warm brown eyes as he tries to steady his breathing.

“It’s okay mate, it’s alright. It’s just a bad dream.” Liam’s voice slowly becomes clearer to him as he feels the adrenaline seep out of his body.

“The accident. I remember the accident.” Zayn chokes out in between breaths, grabbing onto Liam’s arms tightly, his eyes pleading for him to do something, anything to help him get under control.

Liam pulls Zayn closer to his chest, rubbing his back soothingly and Zayn doesn’t let go of his grip, still sees images from his dream every time he closes his eyes. But the thing is he knows it’s not a something made up in his mind, he knows that it really happened, because he remembers the pain, remembers the burn in his chest, remembers trying to talk but his voice failing him.

It takes him 20 minutes to calm down, Liam still holding onto him patiently, his gentle touch never faltering. When Zayn finally pulls away from him, he smiles appreciatively before he remembers where he is, remembers what happened last night, remembers that Niall’s lying only a few steps away from him.

His heart starts racing again, and this time he can’t do anything to stop it.

When Liam is sure that Zayn’s okay, he walks over to the other side of the bed, straightening out the blankets on Niall before his hand goes to ruffle up his hair. He stares down at him for a while, eyes hopeful and expectant, as if waiting for some sort of movement from Niall, but when that doesn’t happen his face softens with a sad smile.

“Look who’s here to see you Ni. You thought we were lying didn’t you?”

There’s a moment when Zayn hopes that that’ll be enough, that Niall will open his eyes and he’ll wake up and they’ll get through this together. But the steady beeping of the machines Niall is hooked up to don’t change, his body lays unmoving, and Zayn feels his heart break.

“Well he’s here now, all in one piece, so get your ass up already so you can give him shit for taking so long yeah?” Liam's voice isn't accusing, it's more like he's teasing him, and that makes Zayn smile a little, though there’s still a wave of guilt that washes over him when he realises how long he’s taken to be able to bring himself here.

Liam goes quiet, and when Zayn finally raises his head to look at him, he sees tears running down his face and his heart breaks a little more.

~

Zayn excuses himself after a while, craving for a cigarette and to get away from the empty hospital room that has nothing to distract him from looking at the helpless boy that he wants to shake awake.

He’s still sitting out on the bench at noon when Harry and Louis come by the hospital. Judging by the way Louis throws himself at Zayn and crushes him into a hug once they arrive, he’s sure Liam must have already filled them in on what happened.

When Harry pulls him in for a hug, the tension he’s felt since last night disappears as he melts into his best friend’s hold. He can’t help the tears that slip down his face, wetting Harry’s neck, but that only makes the boy hold onto him tighter. It’s like he’s opened the floodgates now, and all he feels like doing is crawling up into a corner and sobbing his frustrations out.

They call Liam down to meet them for lunch at the café around the corner from the hospital. Zayn’s exhausted, after having had no sleep the night before and he doesn’t really have an appetite to eat anything anyway. He tries to plead with the boys to let him sit outside so he can smoke while they eat but Liam gives him a stern look and Harry pulls him into the café before he can protest any more.

“I swear Zayn I’m going to throw out all your cigarettes if you continue treating yourself like a chimney.” Liam says to him while they look over the menu. Zayn wonders how come they’re all calm, that they’re not affected by the fact that the chances are looking pretty slim for Niall. Zayn can’t even fully comprehend his relationship with Niall yet but just thinking about how he’s probably not going to make it is making him feel sick to his stomach.

The thought of food is making him nauseous, but Harry rolls his eyes at him and orders a sandwich for him anyway. They’re sitting waiting for their orders to arrive and Zayn can’t take it anymore, wants to find out what’s going on, wants to know why they’re all acting like everything is okay.

“Why didn’t you guys tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Harry asks, while the other two are distracted by something on Liam’s phone.

It takes everything in his power for Zayn to keep his voice even and calm. “About Niall?”

The three boys look at him in confusion as he waits for them to answer.

“What are you going on about Zayn?” It’s only when he sees the way Louis looks completely dumbfounded that he begins to wonder whether he got it wrong.

“Last night…I heard the two of you talking…”

“And?”

“I heard you say Niall…that he isn’t going to make it.”

The three of them have serious looks on their faces, and Zayn can’t read their expressions, especially Harry’s and it’s starting to scare him, making him think about the worst case scenarios possible. But then all of a sudden, Louis bursts out laughing, stunning Zayn, and Liam looks embarrassed, his head ducking down as a sheepish smile plays at his lips and Harry’s just sitting there looks more confused than before.

“Mate…” Louis starts before breaking into another fit of laughter.

“Zayn...I don’t know what you heard…but we weren’t talking about Niall last night. I think you heard us actually talking about Loki, my dog at home.” Liam looks embarrassed and incredibly guilty.

“What?”

“Yeah he…he’s an old dog, I’ve had him since I was a kid. He’s been in a lot of pain lately and a few days ago they decided it would be better if he was put down.”

Zayn isn’t sure whether to burst out crying in relief or to laugh off the misunderstanding, albeit it would be at Liam’s misfortune.

Louis is still laughing though, and Liam quickly shoots him a glare that shuts him up, but he’s still trying hard to contain a smile, and Harry just looks apologetically at Zayn.

“Jeez oh my god. I thought…I thought he was dying or something and I’d…” Zayn pauses before choking out, “I thought I’d missed my chance.”

And he doesn’t have to look up to know that the hand that snakes itself onto the back of his neck, massaging the tense muscles there belongs to Harry.

“Well you didn’t.”

“Yeah, and plus it’ll be a hilarious story to tell Niall mate.” Louis adds in with a wink.

They finish their lunch and no one brings up the topic again, and they all don’t comment on how Zayn’s mood is suddenly a little lighter, or how he’s stopped fidgeting for a cigarette, or that he’s discovered his appetite again.

It’s not until later when they’re back in Niall’s room at the hospital, while Harry is on the phone outside and Louis is talking to the nurse, that Zayn speaks about it again.

“So…he’s okay then? He’s gonna wake up?”

“Course he will,” Liam replies, bumping his shoulder against Zayn to get him to look at him, and when he does he’s met with an encouraging smile that Zayn can’t help but mirror. “You’re here now aren’t you?”

~

Liam and Louis drop the boys off at the flat before returning to theirs, joking about how they should probably show their neighbours that they’re still alive, “or in other words rip each other’s clothes off and makes lots of noise” Harry mumbles under his breath as they get out of the car.

“Tea?” Harry asks when they enter the quiet flat, and all Zayn wants to do is curl up in bed and fall asleep, but the burritos they had for dinner on the way back were rubbish and he’s eager to wash away the taste of sour tomato sauce from his mouth.

So he just nods and goes to his room to take a quick shower, coming out 10 minutes later feeling fresh and a lot more awake than he did when he first walked in through the door.

Harry’s curled up on the sofa, already changed into his pajamas, and Zayn can see how exhausted he looks in the dim lights of the living room. He still gives Zayn a warm smile, scooting a little to give Zayn some space to have a seat. 

 “Do you want to talk about today?” Harry asks carefully in a soft drawl, as if he’s wondering whether he’s allowed to ask about it.

Zayn isn’t sure what to say, he didn’t give himself much time today to think about it. Even in the shower, he was too tired to process what he’s been feeling. But now in the safety of the flat and Harry’s presence, he lets everything wash over him.

His head falls back to rest on the sofa, and he stares up at the ceiling to get a hold of his thoughts.

“I had a dream last night,” Zayn starts, “or I guess more like…I had another memory come back. It was about a fight Niall and I had…before I got the job at the college.”

Harry gives out a quiet chuckle, “Ahh yeah, I remember that. Miserable time for the whole lot of us having to deal with you two moody fools.”

Zayn just rolls his eyes at him in response, leaving the two of them to sip on their teas in silence while Harry waits for him to continue.

“It’s just...he didn’t feel like a stranger anymore you know? I felt like it was a step forward or something…but then hearing Liam say that…thinking that Niall isn’t gonna make it…I just…” His voice breaks, and he’s surprised by the emotion he’s letting out in his voice, “I thought I missed my chance at remembering him...or at least getting to know him, you know?”

He shakes his head quickly before the tears in his eyes spill, also hoping that maybe he’d shake off this weight that he feels in his chest.

“I…I remember the accident as well.”

Harry tenses up next to him and Zayn turns to look at him to give him a reassuring smile.

“Nothing major…just you know…what we were doing before that?” Harry just keeps quiet, his toes digging into Zayn’s thighs, a simple touch to keep them connected. “Niall wanted to celebrate our us being together for 50 months so we went out for dinner.” Harry lets out a loud laugh now, before shaking his head and rolling his eyes fondly.

Zayn‘s face breaks out into a wide smile as he remembers the goofy look on Niall’s face when he was trying to push him into the shower to get ready, and then the way the two of them finished the chocolate cake with their legs entwined under the table.

“I remember being so in love with him Harry…even now it’s like my heart skips a beat when I think back to that night, or even any of the other memories I’ve had so far…but…I just don’t know what I’m feeling now. I see him lying there and it’s so confusing because it makes my heart ache to see him like that but at the same time I don’t want to deal with any of it.”

“You need time Zayn.”

“Yeah but...you know the last thing he said to me was that he loved me? I couldn’t even open my mouth to say anything back to him.” Zayn sighs frustratingly. “What if Lou’s right? What if he’s not waking up because he thinks I’m dead? ”

“We don’t know that Z. The best thing we can do is to just try, try whatever we think will help. It’s a shot in the dark but at least it’s something.”

“So why? Why is it still so difficult for me to say those three words back to him now?”

Harry just keeps quiet this time, and Zayn knows that it’s because there’s nothing he can say that will help him make sense of this situation, and this mess of feelings he has. So he sighs and lets his head fall back on the sofa instead as they both sit in silence, wondering how their lives ended up this way.

~

“Hello sweetheart, how are you?”

Zayn wakes up the next morning suddenly missing his mum, he misses the warmth of her smile and her comforting touch. So the first thing he does while he’s still in bed is give her call, hoping that her voice will give him a sense of home that he needs right now.

“Hi mum, y’alright?”

“Yes darling, just fixing up some lunch.”

They get the boring stuff out of the way first, with his mum filling in on the latest in the Malik household, like how she’s already gotten Mira’s birthday present eventhough it’s months away, and complaining about how the house needs a little bit of repainting but his father’s been putting it off because he’s just plain lazy.

He drowns himself in her voice, listens to her chat away while he closes his eyes and imagines his mum walking around the kitchen, phone nestled between her shoulder and cheek, grabbing vegetables out the fridge and cutting them up, all without losing breath.

“So how are you then love?” And Zayn knows that it’s a general question, that he doesn’t have to talk about it if he doesn’t want to, that his mum will always be a phone call away at any time whenever he’s ready to spill.

But he knows that it’s no coincidence why he wanted to talk to her so badly. “I went to see him yesterday.”

Zayn can hear the way her breath hitches, and then the line goes silent, and he imagines his mum stopping still in the middle of the kitchen while she clutches onto the phone.

“And how is he?” Her voice is laced with concern, and again Zayn is overwhelmed with how much this boy has had an impact on his life and the lives of his loved ones.

“The same. But Liam…well all of them….they’re all so hopeful. And I don’t know how they are Mum. I could barely look at him while I was in the room, and they’re all there every single day spending their free time just sitting with him and talking to him, just expecting him to wake up.” Zayn says with a tired sigh, “I don’t know whether it’s because I can’t remember but…I just don’t know how they’re being so hopeful.”

“Oh honey,” Zayn hears her let out a sigh, “There’s no black or white to how you’re supposed to feel about these sort of things. Those boys are hopeful because that’s their best mate, and they want nothing more than to see him wake up. But for you…it’s a little different isn’t it? You’re still trying to figure yourself out love, but it’s not like you’re being indifferent, you feel something don’t you? Sometimes that’s better than nothing sweetheart.”

Zayn nods absentmindedly, thinking back to yesterday morning when he first walked into the hospital room and setting his eyes on Niall, how it was so different to the one he’s drawn up in his head, and it twists his insides just thinking about it now. 

Zayn contemplates telling her about how he remembers the accident but decides against it, because he doesn’t want to recount it either, and it’s probably a bad idea trying to describe to his mum how he couldn’t even bring himself to talk because he was in so much pain.

They chat a bit more, his mum steering the topic onto something else and he’s thankful for that. By the end of the call he’s feeling calmer and more gathered, maybe even a little hopeful. He almost forgot the reason why he came back to London in the first place, remembers telling himself that he can’t keep running away from this, and eventhough the thought of seeing Niall again makes him want to grab the next train to Bradford, he promises himself to keep it together.

For Niall.

~

“Zayn, do you notice how you just know where certain things are in the flat?” Louis points out one afternoon.

It’s not something Zayn’s thought too much about. He didn’t notice it at first, from the first time he set foot in the flat, the way he was familiar with where things were in the kitchen and the bedroom. Since he’s started living back here though, he does notice it. Sometimes it’s something personal, like where he’s kept his portfolio and all his sketchbooks, then there are more random things like how he knows where the rubbish chute is or when they need to pay the cable bill.

“Yeah I guess…it’s sort of just like a gut instinct I suppose? I mean, sometimes I’ll want something and trying to find it involves me turning the whole place inside out but then other times I just know without having a second thought.”

Louis looks at him, and Zayn can already see the smirk that’s growing across his lips to know that he’s cooking up something in his mind.

“Let’s play a game.”

Apparently that involves Louis making Zayn standing in front of the sofa while the rest of the boys are sitting on it, Louis stuck in the middle while Harry and Liam look on expectantly.

“It’s like playing fetch!” Louis exclaims, clearly too excited for his own good. “Okay Zayn, where do you keep your favourite copy of Don Quixote?”

Normally, well how it was while he was growing up anyway, he keeps it on his bedside table, so that it’s within reach whenever he wanted a quick read before he goes to bed. But he’s been sleeping here for close to a week now and he knows it isn’t there.

He goes through the books that are scattered around the room, but doesn’t find it anywhere. He starts racking his brain, trying to think of all the possible places that he could have put it but comes up blank.

“Okay maybe that was a little hard,” Louis interrupts him after fifteen minutes. “Plus even I don’t know where you’ve kept it.” Zayn almost wants to punch him in the face.

“Harry, maybe it’s better if you ask him, because you’re more likely to know where he keeps his stuff yeah? Ask him to find something easy, that he should know off the bat.”

Zayn looks at Harry anxiously, as if pleading with him to give him something he’ll be able to get right.

“Your dad’s watch?”

Zayn’s suddenly hit with nostalgia as he remembers the watch his dad gave him for his 21st birthday. It was his dad’s most prized possession, something he’d bought as a gift to himself on his own 21st after saving up money for years. It was a sentimental gift, and he gave it to Zayn as a reminder of home.

And again he’s just coming up with a blank. He doesn’t even bother going into the bedroom because he’s come to know it better than he does his room back home and he can’t remember seeing the familiar black leather box the watch is in on the dresser or in the closet or bathroom.

He thinks about what he’s doing wrong and he knows that he’s probably trying too hard. He’s too busy trying to think logically about the likely places he normally keeps his things and forgets to just listen to his instinct.

So he takes a deep breath and thinks back to all the times he’s worn the watch, mostly only during special occasions. He thinks back to that night when his dad gave it to him, how he wore it during his exams in university, and then during his graduation. He ends up going into the bedroom anyway, because he knows that’s where it’ll most likely be, and then waits for his instincts kick in.

It takes a moment, but then it’s like a light goes off in his head. He walks over to the closet, opens the third drawer, and reaches to the back, letting his fingers feel around until they touch a smooth hard object.

He smiles before he even sees what’s in his hands, can’t help hiding it from the boys when he brings the watch box outside to show them. They all cheer when they see it, Louis shouting “1 to Zayn!”.

Zayn doesn’t tell them that he knew where to find it because he remembers handing it over to Niall to put it in their “hiding place for important stuff”, remembers that it was just after they came back from someone’s wedding because Niall was wearing a black tuxedo that fit him really well and the image of that is still stuck in his mind for the rest of the day.

It’s easy after that, each of the boys telling him to find an item, mostly household stuff or something like a postcard Harry sent him from France once. It takes him awhile, and Zayn does miss out on some of the stuff they throw at him, but he manages to find most of the things. And by the end of it he’s reassured that he hasn’t forgotten everything completely, and he’s more hopeful than ever that he’s on the right path to getting things in order again.

~

“Hey you little shit” Zayn smiles as he hears his sister’s familiar drawl through the phone.

“Hey Don, I’m fine thanks, I miss you too.”

Doniya lets out a loud chuckle on the other end of the line, and Zayn can just imagine the way she looks, cheeks red and eyes rolling at the phone.

“Zayn, listen, I’ve got to come up to London this weekend for a girlfriend’s hen’s night. And I was thinking of bring Mira too, have her hang out with you for the night. What you think?”

“Don jeez you don't even have to ask, you know that right? Of course I’d love to have her over!" He can hear the grin in her voice when she replies and it's unsurprising that it puts him in a good mood for the rest of the day. He bounces with energy when he tells Harry, already counting down the days till they come over.

That Saturday morning, Zayn opens the door to have a small little girl jump into his arms squealing in excitement.

“Uncle Zaaaaayn, it’s me Mira!” she squeals a little too loudly into his ears. He tickles her until she’s breathless, not even noticing Doniya shuffling into the flat beside him, bringing in one too many bags that Zayn's sure his niece doesn’t need for an overnight stay.

He raises a concerned eyebrow at his sister before she rolls her eyes and opens the zips to one of the bags, pulling back the flap to reveal a dozen or so tupperwares packed neatly.

Zayn's eyes light up when he realises it's all filled with home cooked food that can only be from his mum. He’s pretty sure it that’s enough to last him for the next week, which he’s sure the rest of the boys would appreciate it as well.

"Mum almost went into a cooking frenzy crazy when I told her about this weekend. I would have tried to control her but I wasn't too fond of the possibility that you'd be feeding my daughter junk food for the next two days so I left her be.” Zayn swats at her arm as she teases him and they bicker away while Doniya takes each tupperware out and rambles on about specific instructions on how to reheat them before arranging them in the fridge herself.

In between catching up about their family and listening to Mira chattering away, Doniya barely gets the chance to properly talk to Zayn and find out how he’s holding up. But as she gets up to leave, Mira having run ahead to plop herself in front of the tv, she stops Zayn by his arm and gives him a soft look at him, the same hazel eyes the two of them inherited from their father filled with concern.

“How you doing then?”

Zayn takes a moment to think about it, wonders how to put into words what he’s been feeling since the moment he stepped into that hospital room, so he goes with the answer that helps him sleep at night. “I’m…hopeful.”

The wide grin that breaks over his sister’s face is like a breath of fresh air for Zayn, and he feels like he’s been injected with a shot of strength when she pulls him in for a tight hug, whispering “he’s gonna be okay” in his ear, letting go of him quickly but not before he sees the before tears in her eyes.

Zayn’s just closed the door to the flat, after bidding goodbye to his sister and promising her that he doesn’t have to remember anything to take care of an 8 year old, when he sees Mira walking curiously through the hallway to the bedrooms and the kitchen.

“What you doing Mira?”

“Looking for Uncle Niall.” She answers as she peeks into the kitchen before coming back into the living room.

Zayn stands frozen, feeling like his heart’s caught in his throat, before he takes a deep breath and kneels down, beckoning his niece towards him. He smiles softly at her, tucks a strand of her hair that’s falling messily in front of her face behind her ear. “He’s not here now love.”

“Mummy said he was in the hospital because he wasn’t feeling well. But she told me that aaages ago, back when you came to visit. My friend’s Sophie’s dad was sick and in the hospital too but he was only in there for a week!”

“I know love, but Niall’s a lot sicker than Sophie’s dad. So he needs to stay there a little longer until he gets better, okay?”

Her face falls a little, and Zayn’s heart breaks, feeling like he’s already ruined her day before it’s even started.

“Well maybe we’ll go see him later yeah? After lunch? Would you like that?”

Zayn hasn’t been around to the hospital again since the last time. He’s been trying to make sense of this thoughts and figure out his feelings to save having another breakdown when he sees Niall again, so the thought of seeing him now leaves him feeling a little unprepared and nervous.

But it’s amusing the way that Mira’s face lights up when she hears about going to visit him, and Zayn’s almost jealous when he thinks that he isn’t her favourite anymore.

But then he remembers that he’s been knocked off that spot by Niall, and he doesn’t mind so much.

~

Harry’s been at the hospital the whole morning and isn’t expecting them, deciding to leave a little earlier to let Zayn have his family reunion without him interrupting, so he’s a little surprised when he gets a text from Zayn saying that he’s waiting in the hospital lobby.

He goes down to find Zayn’s pacing back and forth with Mira standing still watching her uncle in confusion.

“Zayn? What are you doing here? Is everything okay with Mira?”

Zayn asks Mira to sit in one of the waiting chairs while he pulls Harry off to the side, trying to talk softly so that she doesn’t hear him. “She was a little upset when she saw that Niall wasn’t in the flat and I just thought maybe she’d want to see him?”

There’s nothing Harry can do but smile patiently at his friend who’s silently having a panic attack for no reason at all.

“And now, shit- is this even okay? I mean, I should have asked her mum first right? Is this even appropriate? Oh God this was a stupid idea. ”

Harry puts his hand on Zayn’s shoulder to ground him and force him to look straight into his bright green eyes. “Relax Zayn…it’s fine. It’s not like he looks like Frankenstein or something right? If anything we’ll just say he’s sleeping.”

“You sure?” Harry rubs his shoulder gently, smiling encouragingly at him until Zayn slowly nods, taking a deep breath before he beckons Mira towards him and gives her a smile as he takes her hand in his.

Zayn carries Amira into the room, slowly walking to the bed, his eyes never leaving her face, ready to look for any signs that she’s scared or uncomfortable.

“Look Niall, you’ve got a special guest today.” Harry says, in his ever present cheerful voice that Zayn can never muster up himself.

Mira leans forward from Zayn’s arms, staring at Niall with a frown on her face, but it’s a look of curiosity more than anything. “He looks so pale! Is it because the sun doesn’t come in here? And his hair is so messy! Doesn’t someone come in to keep it looking proper?”

The both of them chuckle at the string of questions that she throws their way, deciding that laughter’ was the best response since neither of them know how or what to answer her. Zayn sets her down on the floor before Harry calls her over to join him on the sofa. He’s already got his laptop out and asks her for help in making a playlist of songs for Niall to listen to today.

It’s a subtle way of Harry giving Zayn some privacy with Niall, even if he doesn’t really say anything, not even a Good morning or a kiss to his cheek.

But he just takes a moment to take him in, because the last time he didn’t give himself the chance to, and lets his eyes scan over the lines and curves of Niall’s face, lets his fingers run through the sunkissed tips of his hair, brushing them to the side neatly, hopefully to Mira’s satisfaction.

Amira and Harry are still busy, hunched over his laptop, so Zayn sits in the same chair he found himself in a week before and takes his sketchbook out, a last minute decision he chucked into his bag before they left the flat. He decides to draw the two of them in their current position, adds it to the list of sketches he hopes that it’s something he can to show Niall when he wakes up.

~

Amira surprisingly keeps herself occupied for most of the afternoon, sitting on the sofa with her colouring book and some crayons laid out in front of her to choose. Sometimes Harry lets her use his laptop to go on YouTube, and at one point she even brings it over to the hospital bed, looking at Zayn to help her hold  it up while Harry lifts her and sets her to sit on the bed. She asks Zayn to hold the screen just in front of Niall before she leans over and clicks play on the video, excitedly talking about how she wants to learn the song on the guitar soon and that she wants Niall to teach her. 

Watching the way even his 8 year old niece can effortlessly make herself comfortable here when Zayn still feels so out of his element makes him feel even more unsettled and it leaves him itching for a cigarette break.

When he comes back up, he finds Mira standing on the chair looking out the window, and he goes to join her, imitating her stance by resting his chin on his hand on the windowsill. “What’s on your mind love?”

Her eyes widen in awe when she sees him, clearly delighted to see her uncle back in the room.

“Uncle Z!””

“Yes sweetheart?” She’s practically jumping on the seat and Zayn has to place a cautious hand on her waist to hold her in place.

“How did you and Uncle Niall meet?”

It’s like a knife to his heart, because that’s still one memory that hasn’t come to him, and the one that he wants to remember the most. 

But he puts on a smile for Mira anyway, using it to mask the hurt on his face, “Maybe Uncle Niall and I can tell you that together when he wakes up yeah?” He hopes that it’s enough for her, and breathes a sigh of relief when Harry jumps in to save him.

“How about I tell you how I met your Uncle Z instead yeah? It’s a much better story.”

Harry gives Zayn a little wink as he comes over to them and carries Mira off to place on his lap, swinging her around and already distracting her from Zayn’s inability to answer her question.

~

Mira’s eyes are drooping by the time they reach home. They spent the whole afternoon at the hospital and stopped for dinner on their way back. Zayn carries her in quietly and sets her in the spare bedroom, making sure she’s got her favourite teddy bear right next to her in case she wakes up for it in the night. He leaves the door ajar, just in case, though he’s pretty sure it’s only for his ease of mind than anything.

He goes back into the living room to find Harry looking at him with a mischievous glint in his eyes that’s got Zayn worrying because that means that could only mean he’s planning something.

“We’re going out.”

“What? Haz are you crazy? Mira’s sleeping and I can’t just leave her-“

“I’ve called Liam and Louis and they don’t mind coming over for a bit to look after her. I just wanna bring you somewhere for a little while. Look I promise, we’ll be back by midnight and she won’t even know you were gone Zayn.”

He’s really reluctant about this idea, but he trusts Harry, and he knows that whatever it is he’s up to has got to be for good reason.

So he takes a quick shower, lets the hot water ease the tension in his bones and chase away some of the tiredness he feels before slipping on a pair of black jeans and a red colour Henley to go under his leather jacket.

Harry’s dressed casual too, wearing a pair of tight jeans and a large sweater, his overgrown curls tamed under a dark green scarf with skulls on them, and he almost looks like he was 23 again. Liam and Louis are already at the flat, swinging by after visiting the hospital themselves, and Zayn smiles appreciatively at them.

After making the two of them promise to call if Mira wakes up, Harry and him finally leave and drive out, the streets still fairly busy at 8pm on a Saturday night.

Zayn’s just idly looking out the window, the music from one of Harry’s bands playing over the speakers filling in the silence between them. He’s lost in his thoughts, thinking about the day and letting himself feel nostalgic over how much his niece has grown. He’s so proud of the way she acted today, the way she was completely at ease in the hospital. Something he wishes he could feel too, instead of feeling like he was ready to run out at any time.

He’s distracted from his thoughts when he starts noticing how the streets they drive by start to look familiar, and then he recognises the music shop they just passed as being one of his old haunts back when he was in uni.

“Are we heading back to the old neighbourhood?” Zayn asks Harry, just as they pull up right outside a familiar looking building. It looks a little dodgy, with the sign outside barely visible in the cold dark night, but Zayn knows that the inside holds a warmth and familiarity that he knows well.

Harry’s brought him to the old pub he used to work at, where Zayn used to spend most of his free time in between working at the grocery store and the bar to hang out and drown himself in the free drinks Harry used to slip him whenever he could.

They walk in from the cold and Zayn’s greeted by the smell of greasy chips and chicken wings he knows taste just as spicy as his mum’s chicken tikka, the faint sounds of a football match playing in the background mixing with the live band that are set up in a corner.

He’s happy to see Paul, the manager, standing tall behind the counter, still managing the place just like he was 5 years ago with a big smile on his face.

“Well look what the cat brought in!” He says over the busy Saturday night crowd in his thick Irish accent that doesn’t seem to fade eventhough he’s left the green countryside for years.

He steps out from behind the counter and envelopes Harry in a big hug before giving him a playful punch in the arm. He turns to see Zayn standing in his spot, and his smile softens as he pulls him in for an affectionate hug that shakes off the cold that’s followed him in from outside.

Paul steps back and gives the two of them a long hard look, and Zayn’s instantly feels like he’s 19 again, when he and Harry first walked in here looking to make some money and Paul took them under his wing and always tried to help them whenever he could.

“Good to see ya lads, it’s been too long! Come on, first round’s on me!”

Paul lets Harry get behind the counter as they joke about whether Harry’s still got the skills to pour a proper pint of beer out and Zayn’s happy to see his usual stool at the end of the counter is free before plopping himself on it.

He takes a chance to look around the pub and is relieved to see that nothing much has changed, the tables are still arranged in the same way, and the old jukebox still sitting against the wall. The only new additions being the flat screen tvs hanging in every corner of the pub.

The three of them catch up for a bit before Paul leaves to serve some of his customers, and Harry finds an empty pool table for them to have a game at. Zayn’s having a good time, and it’s the first time in a long time that he’s felt weightless. They’ve just finished their first game, Zayn beating Harry hand’s down, and are at the counter ordering their next round of drinks.

“Thanks for bringing me here Haz…”

Harry just smiles back at him, shrugging it off as if it’s not a big deal but it’s a testament to their friendship that he knew this was exactly what Zayn needed. “I don’t know if you remember me telling you…but you met him here you know.”

And it’s a vague memory, but it finally clicks, what Harry told him all those weeks ago in the hospital when he first woke up from the accident.

“Yeah. I just thought after today…maybe coming here might help you know? I’d tell you the full story myself, since I was there after all and saw it happening in front of my eyes, but…I think maybe you’d want to find out about it yourself?”

There’s a frustrated part of Zayn that wants to tell Harry no, that he’s tired of trying to remember and maybe he just wants things easily. But at the same time he knows Harry’s right, it won’t be the same unless it came to him on its own.

As they’re leaving, Paul gives him an extra long hug, and Zayn realises that he probably knows about the accident. He remembers that Paul wears his Irish heart on his sleeve, and it’ll be unsurprising that he knew Niall personally and so knows about the accident as well. He probably got all the updates from Harry when Zayn wasn’t around and that leaves him a little sad, how everyone’s tiptoeing around him.

They reach back home, true to Harry’s word, just before midnight, and Liam and Louis are sprawled over the sofa watching a bit of telly. They smile lazily up at Zayn as he walks by them and to go check up on Mira, who’s sleeping soundly and still in the same position Zayn left her in, but now her little hands have found the teddy bear Zayn placed and is clutching it close to her heart.

When he walks out, Liam and Louis are getting ready to leave, after deciding that it’s probably best that Doniya doesn’t walk in the next morning to see that her daughter spent the weekend at a frat house instead of a flat. He gives them both a hug as a thank you, it comes easily now to him now, how he pulls them in with the same kind of comfort he does with Harry.

He thanks Harry again for bringing him out, to which his best friend just shrugs off, saying he hopes that it helps him feel better, which admittedly he does.

When he’s finally lying in bed, he tries to imagine himself in the pub 4 years ago, sitting with a drink in hand before a boy with bright blue eyes sits next to him. He wonders who made the first move first, whether they kissed that first time they met or if he made Niall wait, or if he brought him straight home for a late night rendezvous.

But the more he thinks about it, the more it doesn’t feel right to him and he knows that he’s missing something. And then it’s like a light bulb goes off in Zayn’s head.

_Zayn’s had a shit day at work. A lady knocked over the wine display with her baby stroller and Zayn had to be the one to mop up the mess. And then there was a customer who made a big scene when her credit card was rejected, deciding to blame Zayn and everyone else instead of the fact that she was over her credit limit, and to top it off some kid managed to run off with a couple of cans of beer without paying and his manager wasn’t too happy about it and said it was coming out of his already low pay check._

_So he marches straight into the pub where Harry’s working after his shift is over and asks him to give him a shot of vodka and to keep them coming. It’s Harry though, so he gives a glass of whiskey on the rocks the way he knows Zayn likes it, tells Jade who’s working with him that night to take over from him for awhile, then gives Zayn 5 minutes spill out his frustrations, threatening him with the fact that he’s taking a break to listen to his problems as a way to push Zayn to unload all his steam so that the two of them can move on with their night._

_He whines and complains to Harry about his day and moans about how much he hates his job for the 40 th time. When his 5 minutes are up, Harry looks at him with a soft smile, “Feel better?”_

_Zayn just shrugs. “A little.”_

_Zayn knows there’s nothing much Harry can say to make him feel better, and the best thing would be to just lend a listening ear. Yeah he hates his job, but he needs it more, so the only thing he can do is drown himself in alcohol._

_“It’ll be better tomorrow!” Harry shouts over his shoulder as he walks over to get back to helping out Jade with some of the drink orders._

_“I’d rather stab myself in the eye repeatedly than have to go back to that shit hole!” he replies, quiet though, speaking more to himself than anyone else._

_So he’s a little surprised when he hears someone snickering to his right, and when he turns to look at who’s laughing at his misfortunes, his eyes lock on a pair of bright blue eyes watching him, eyes that look like their twinkling in the dim lights hanging above the pub._

_“Sounds like you’ve got it rough mate!”_

_Zayn isn’t sure whether Blue Eyes was commiserating with him or teasing him because he’s got this big wide goofy grin on his face that’s making Zayn’s stomach do cartwheels and he’s not sure why._

_Blue Eyes must have sensed that Zayn was a little confused from the frown on his face so he quickly added, “Hey mate, just that it’s pretty obvious you’ve had a shit day. Let me buy you a drink yeah, cheer you up? Make you believe in humanity again?” And Zayn still doesn’t say anything because he’s distracted by how those blue eyes still shine despite how their crinkling around the edges he’s wondering whether it’s the trick of lighting or whether this boy has somehow managed to catch hold of a star and bring it down to Earth, hiding it in between the sea of ocean blue._

_Then he shakes himself out of his stupor because when did he get so corny?_

_The boy doesn’t wait for Zayn to answer though, quickly calling over Harry to order another round of drinks for the two of them, causing his best friend to raise his eyes questionably at him when he looks at them._

_“I’m Niall” Blue Eyes says, and Zayn repeats after him, taking a moment to enjoy the way the name rolls off his tongue, and when he introduces himself, his heart flutters when he hears his name being said in an Irish twang._

_“So why do you hate your job so much?”_

_It’s a simple question really, and Zayn could finish off the conversation with an easy Yes or No answer. But yet Zayn finds himself pouring out all his frustrations out to this complete stranger that he met just 5 minutes before. He starts telling him about how he enjoyed learning Literature and Art in university, but found himself confused with that he wanted to do for a living after he graduated. He talks about how things didn’t work out and that he was working two jobs to manage, well at least up until a month ago until the bar closed down and so he had to pick up extra shifts at the grocery store that he hated so much._

_Niall just listens patiently, eyes widening every time Zayn talked about something awful his boss did and then letting out this ridiculous belly laugh each time he told him about a bad customer experience he got. The butterflies were still dancing around in his stomach each time he heard Niall laugh, but halfway through the night, Zayn became more relaxed and completely forgot about his shitty day and his shitty job._

_That was the thing with Niall, he didn’t look like he was taking the piss out of Zayn when he asked him a question. He looked like he genuinely wanted to know, despite the fact that they didn’t know each other, and honestly speaking, it’d been a long time since Zayn had someone to talk to besides Harry, and that was a little refreshing._

_Niall follows him when he goes out for a smoke, shaking his head when Zayn offers him a stick. It’s probably because of the liquid courage in him, but Zayn was thinking about how the night turned out better than he expected it to, so he thought it was only fair that he repaid Niall for listening to his boring life problems was to crowd him against the wall and to kiss him senseless._

_It didn’t seem like Niall minds either, as Zayn feels the hint of a smile pressed against his mouth before he starts kissing him back. Zayn is eager and a little nervous, considering the only thing in his mind in the last half hour was Niall’s lips, but then Niall places his hands on Zayn’s waist, gently rubbing his thumbs into the skin above his hipbones and Zayn relaxes a little, letting Niall take the lead as he slows down._

_After what feels like hours, Zayn pulls back, smirking as his eyes run across Niall’s swollen lips. He leans forward and rests his forehead against Niall’s, softly whispering “Back to mine?” as they both catch their breath, his eyes still on Niall’s lips as his thumb grazes against the soft pale skin that’s a contrast to his own._

_Niall pulls back slowly, letting his body slump against the wall as he looks down at his shoes. It looks like it’s his turn to be nervous now, and Zayn’s confused by his silence. After a few minutes, Niall finally tilts his head back up as he stuffs his hands into his pockets while his eyes focus in on Zayn’s lips. He gives Zayn a smirk, “How about I take you out on a date first?”_

_Zayn’s a little surprised, he assumed that with all the flirting that it was just going to be a casual hookup, forgotten by noon the next day. He was pretty sure that the only reason why Niall bothered to listen to him going on and on was because he expected a good fuck out of it and frankly Niall was pretty fit and Zayn didn’t mind so this caught him off guard._

_Niall takes his silence as an answer to his question, and he takes a step to the side to remove himself from between the wall and Zayn. ”Unless you just wanted this to be a one-off?” he asks, and Zayn isn’t sure if he’s seeing disappointment on Niall’s face._

_He looks at Zayn, waiting for him to speak, but Zayn’s brain is still trying to catch up with his mouth so he just ends up staring blankly back at Niall._

_“Well then…” His smile falls a little, but he still leans forward and places a light kiss on Zayn’s lips before taking a step back towards the pub. “It was nice talking to you Zayn. I’ll guess I’ll see ya around?” He looks at Zayn questioningly, and it takes a while before Zayn slowly nods his head. Niall just smiles back at him and throws him a cheeky wink as he walks away._

_Zayn still stands frozen for a few minutes, unsure of what’s just happened, and when he finally gets his thoughts sorted he’s disappointed that it might be the last time he’s seen Blue Eyes….Niall._

_He walks back into the pub a few minutes later to find Niall nowhere in sight, and he’s hit with a wave of disappointment at the thought that he’s messed up his chances of going on a date with someone for the first time in a long time._

_Harry eyes him with a cheeky look on his face as Zayn walks up to the bar._

_“Where’d you run of to?”_

_Zayn just shrugs at him, feeling too upset to bother replying or explaining himself._

_“Well then. Guess I’ll just keep this piece of paper that a certain Blondie asked me to pass to you. Or maybe I’ll just throw it away…”_

_Zayn’s eyes perk up as he stares at the way Harry is mischievously holding a small square paper in between his fingers, waving it in Zayn’s face. He quickly snatches it from Harry’s grip and stares at it, wondering if it’s real._

_073405256_

_Call me if you change your mind ! N x_

_A ridiculous blush spreads across his face when he reads the note, and Harry doesn’t stop teasing him about it until a week later._

Zayn snaps out of his thoughts and smiles as the memory is fresh in his mind. At least he has the answers to his questions.

Yup, they _definitely_ kissed the first time they met.

~

Zayn wakes up to someone poking incessantly at his cheek.

He opens his mouth to bite at the finger before he hears a high-pitched scream right next to his ear, “Nooooo Uncle Zaynie, it’s meee Mira!”

Zayn opens his eyes and is greeted by the sight of his niece staring at him with wide eyes and a huge smile on her face.

“Time to wake up! Uncle Harry’s making pancakes!”

“What if I don’t want pancakes? What if I want to eat you huh?” Mira screams some more as Zayn scoops her up and tickles her until she’s kicking in his arms and begging for him to let her go.

He finally relents when she gives him a swift kick to his chest, making him drop his arms immediately as she cheekily sticks out her tongue at him before running out of the room.

He joins them in the kitchen later and chuckles when he sees the mess that it’s in. Mira is sitting on top of the counter watching Harry flip the pancakes while she holds a plate to catch them.

He grabs a cup of coffee and sits patiently at the table while Harry helps Mira dish out their breakfast. She carefully brings a plate of pancakes to him and he picks her up to sit on his knee for them to share a plate.

They’re having seconds when Zayn clears his throat. “Mira, remember what you asked me yesterday?”

She scrunches up her face in confusion, stopping her chewing midway as she looks up at her uncle, shaking her head slowly.

“Well, I think I’m in the mood to tell you how Uncle Ni and I met after all. Do you want to hear it?”

Zayn tries not to look up at Harry, because he knows that he won’t be able to get through the story with a steady voice if he does. So he plays with the food on his plate instead, stirring the syrup and pushing the pieces of pancakes around while he thinks about how to start.

He tells her everything that he can remember, of course leaving out the bits of them making out in the alley and his ridiculously dirty thoughts about what he’d wanted to do to Niall if he brought him home that night. Instead he talks about how Niall was patient and kind when he listened to Zayn’s troubles, and how his eyes had a sparkle in them the whole time.

It’s amazing how he feels recounting the story to her, he remembers clearly how he felt that night and how meeting Niall started up this fire inside him that may have died down a little, but he’s pretty confident that he can feel it starting back up in the pits of his stomach again.

“So he gave you his number? Then what happened?”

Zayn stays quiet for awhile before he continues. “Well, I waited for about a week before I sent him a text, and then we were just texting each other for some time, getting to know each other, and then I asked him out on a date.”

“Was it love at first sight Uncle Z?”

Zayn takes a minute to contemplate it. “I’m not sure about that love, but I knew Niall was something special from the first time I met him.” She gives him a big grin and goes back to finishing her pancakes, already moving on from their conversation, but Zayn catches Harry’s eye and receives a wink that gets him chuckling.

Doniya comes to pick Mira up a few hours later, joining them for a spot of lunch before she gives Harry and Zayn a quick kiss goodbye, already making plans to come up to London again soon. Zayn makes a pinky promise to Mira that he’ll give Niall a kiss from her, and that he’ll pass on the message that he needs to wake up soon because she wants him to teach her some more guitar chords.

When they leave and the flat is back to its kid-free state, Harry just pats Zayn on the back and doesn’t say anything about before, and Zayn thinks there’s no need for explanations, but he doesn’t fail to notice that Harry has a Cheshire grin on his face for the rest of the day that Zayn can’t help but mirror on his own.

~

From then on, Zayn follows Harry to the hospital every day again with no second thoughts, but he bypasses his usual spot on the bench and walks straight into the building with Harry and takes the seat next to Niall’s bed.

Instead of a pack of cigarettes to keep him company, he takes out his sketchbook, starts to draw the image he remembers of Niall’s face staring adoringly at him in the car the night of the accident.  It should be difficult to draw in the lines and curves of a face that he’s only gotten familiar with over the last two months, but his fingers are always two steps ahead of him and know what to do even before he does.

And Niall might still be unconscious, but once all the boys are together in his hospital room, it’s almost like nothing has changed and they’re all hanging out with each other under normal circumstances. Zayn can’t shake off the feeling that this is how it’s meant to be, all of them together.

Zayn will sit in silence, sketching away in the corner of the room while Harry sits opposite him on the other side of Niall’s bed with his laptop, headphones plugged in as he listens to whatever new demo he’s received. Louis somehow managed to charm the nurses into getting a small sofa that was originally in the waiting room put in, so when he comes in the afternoons he plops onto it immediately, taking a quick nap before settling in and taking out whatever school work that needs marking.

When Liam joins them later in the evening, they sit around talking about their day, exchanging stories and joking around. There’s no space for them to be sad here, instead they include Niall casually as if he’s part of the conversation, not paying much care for his silent response.

In fact Zayn hasn’t really spoken directly to Niall. The others can openly have a one-sided conversation with him, acting like it’s completely normal, but he can never find the words. So he settles for subtle touches, his fingers tracing the veins around Niall’s knuckles, sometimes pushing the hair across his face, once he even let his hands linger to lightly brush his thumb over his cheek, before pulling back abruptly as if he was burned.

Sometimes he sits there and he thinks about how everyone’s lives have been turned upside down over the past few months. Louis hasn’t had a proper shave and Zayn can remember that he never lets his stubble grow for longer than a week, and he’s got a persistent pain in his lower back from taking naps on the sofa every afternoon. Harry’s hair is in a dire need of getting a haircut, and he’s one step away from needing a hairband to keep his curls under control, and there’s still an underlying nagging guilt that Zayn has about the fact that Harry’s here instead of LA.

Liam seems to be the only one who’s keeping true to with his old routine, going for a run every morning and visiting the barber every week to keep his hair short and neat. He even stays works late into the night sometimes, leaving Louis to wait for him at Zayn’s flat, but there are days Liam comes in so late that they end up crashing there anyway. But he doesn’t miss visiting Niall at the hospital, always making sure that he pops in no matter how late, sometimes even early in the morning before he goes into work, having already charmed the nurses into letting him in during non-visiting hours.

But Louis tells Zayn that it’s because that’s his way of dealing with things, throwing himself into work, especially because he’d decided to take it upon himself to handle Niall’s projects at the label as well. There are some nights he doesn’t make it to the hospital or the flat, falling asleep in his office before Louis has to give him a stern phone call the next afternoon threatening to make a scene at his workplace if he didn’t go home immediately to wash-up and get some proper rest.

The two of them are practically living in Zayn’s flat though, moving into the guest bedroom that Harry decides to give up to them since it has a queen-sized bed, while he alternates between falling asleep next to Zayn or on the sofa instead.

But Zayn loves having them all around, because the more time he spends with them, the more he feels like he’s working towards something, feels like he’s becoming whole again.

But there’s still a part of him that feels empty, and Zayn knows that it’s not until a certain pair of blue eyes opens to look at him and says his name that he’ll finally feel like he’s complete.

 

~

One day Zayn eavesdrops as Harry takes a work call, and he listens in as Harry tells the person on the other line that he isn’t going back to LA anytime soon, and that he needs more time in London.  It doesn’t occur to Zayn until then that eventhough he sees Harry working away on his computer most of the time, he forgets that he’s actually based in LA, and that he must be spending a lot of time away from actual work by being here, for Zayn, and for Niall.

“Yes, I know, look I can easily do all those things from here.” He rubs his face frustratingly as he speaks, and Zayn can see the bags under his eyes clearly from where he’s sitting and he desperately wants to make them disappear. Harry looks up and rolls his eyes at him, bringing his hand up to gesture that the person is talking too much. Zayn just smiles back at him, but it’s not sincere, because he can’t stop thinking about how much Harry is sacrificing just to be here. True to his nature, Harry notices that something’s on Zayn’s mind, and he looks at him questioningly as he tries to end his conversation.

“Haz, it’s okay if you need to go back you know…” Zayn slowly says once Harry’s done with his phone call.

“No.” He replies, his voice stern and indicative that it’s final, warning Zayn not to say anything more.

Zayn wants to argue with him, knows that he should push him to get back to his life, because they don’t know how long this waiting around is going to go on for, but he can’t bring himself to, because that feels like they’re giving up, and he knows that Harry won’t stand for it.

So he bites his lip and doesn’t say anything, throws Harry an appreciative look instead, hoping that he’ll understand how much it means to him that he’s here. But he also knows that there’s nowhere else Harry would rather be.

Harry stands up and brings his laptop over to the bed where he places it on Niall’s stomach, chuckling as he says “Hope you don’t mind mate,” that has Zayn rolling his eyes fondly at him. Harry takes his earphones and puts them in Niall’s ears, “Check out this new demo I got sent, sounds wicked yeah?”

And that’s how he spends the rest of the afternoon, playing a list of songs for Niall, talking quietly next to his ear, asking for his opinions and saying his ideas out loud. It’s all a one-sided conversation, but Harry carries on anyway.

Zayn keeps quiet and lets the two of them be in their own little bubble while Louis naps through it all. So he opens his sketchbook up and starts drawing the scene before him, wants to put this image to paper so that he can show Niall one day, show him how much Harry missed him. Zayn tries to draw the look of adoration on Harry’s face, and hopes he’s gets the chance to see the same mirrored in Niall’s face sooner than later.

~

It’s still in his mind a few days later though, and he finds himself standing outside the hospital chain smoking and feeling like he’s about to pass out because he’s freaking out so much. Thankfully he sees Louis walking up to him, eyeing him worriedly, and he starts ranting about his feelings.

 “Zayn, Zayn mate, calm down.” Louis has both his hands on Zayn’s shoulders as he tries to talk to the other boy who’s on the verge of hyperventilating.

“No Lou, what about bills? Oh my God, I haven’t thought about them at all…how long’s it been since we last paid one? And my job? I can’t just up and leave yeah? I’ve got to go back sometime and oh shit do they even still want me-“

Zayn has come to know Louis better over the past few weeks and they’ve both reached a level of comfort with each other that Zayn hopes is close to how it used to be, so he isn’t mad, or even surprised when Louis slaps him hard on the face.

Zayn just stares blankly at Louis, and it’s amusing to see his eyes widen with panic.

“Fucker you could have just shouted at me.” Zayn tries to ease the sting on his cheek by rubbing his knuckles over it, the easy tone in his voice letting Louis know that he isn’t angry, maybe a little annoyed instead.

“Sorry I wasn’t sure how to handle your hysterics.” Louis says sheepishly. “Look don’t worry about bills. I’m pretty sure Harry’s taking care of that. And I’ve talked to the college yeah, and they want you to take as much time as you need. You’re basically on sabbatical…unpaid leave or whatever it is they call it. So don’t worry about any of it, you just focus on getting better and try to get that boy of yours out of this horrid place yeah?”

“But it’s unfair-“

Louis just looks angry now, letting out an annoyed sigh before saying, “Don’t you dare think that Zayn Malik. We’re your family whether you like it or not and this is what we do, we take care of each other. Maybe it’s still something you’re not used to yet but I will remind you every bloody day if I have to, okay?”

The sternness in Louis’s voice brings Zayn back to reality, and he nods his head slowly. He feels drained, all his worries still weighing him down but Louis draws him in for a hug and they stay like that until Zayn feels a little less useless.

~

These days Zayn gets more days alone with Niall. Harry spends a lot of time at his London-based office, and Lou’s been busy with rehearsals for his end of school year play. Sometimes he wonders whether they do it intentionally though, staying away from the hospital to give Zayn a bit of privacy with Niall.

The thing is he’s a lot more confident when they’re around, because when he’s left alone with him he isn’t sure what to do, and it’s like there’s an awkward silence in the air with the absence of Harry’s slow drawl or Louis’s boisterous laughs.

So he settles for getting lost in his sketchbook, working on some of the sketches he’s started on over the last few months. Zayn’s finishing up on the sketch of Mira and Harry from the other day, adding the details of both their faces in before he’s done. He stands up for a stretch, considering he’s been sitting in the same spot for the last two hours and his hand’s been moving nonstop moving the entire time.

He leans against the windowsill with his back towards it, and stares at Niall’s closed eyes. Zayn stares at him and tries to think, what is it about this boy that made him fall in love with him? He moves to sit on the edge of the bed, leaning forward with his head resting in the palm of his hand as he studies Niall’s face. He looks at his fading blonde hair, trying to spot the ends where the brown roots meet the bleached blonde.

He wonders if Niall listens intently when Zayn goes on about his day, or does he interrupt him with his two cents? Does he know that Zayn likes to have two straws in his drink, a habit he’s kept since sharing with his siblings when they were young? Or about how he likes to sketch when he’s sleepy and always ends up waking up to chalk dust on his face and black marks on his pillows?

Has Zayn told him about his darkest secrets? His fears? His insecurities? Of growing up as a minority and feeling uncomfortable in his skin, especially when he found out that he was into the cashier boy at his local supermarket rather than that sweet girl with the braids and heart-shaped lips over at the bakery? Did he ever tell Niall about the time when he was 15 and he had his heart broken for the first time by that boy who was using him just to experiment and laughed off his heartfelt confessions of first love?

Does Niall laugh at him when he talks about how he hates that freckle in his eye or does he kiss him to make him shut up? Does he run his fingers through Zayn’s hair to mess it up especially after he’s taken his time to style it into a quiff?

He wonders silently to himself and then he gets a sudden burst of courage. He moves further up on the bed as he swings his leg on top, now lying next to Niall’s side. Zayn’s dangerously close to  falling off at any time, but he still feels a sense of safety feeling Niall’s body so close to his.

He lays there in silence before finally opening his mouth.

“It’s weird isn’t it? Just two months ago I had no idea who you were. To be honest, I’m still trying to figure it out.” He feels a little stupid, talking with someone who can’t answer him, but he can’t bring himself to care about it much. “You know from the start of…all this…one thing I was always sure about was how you felt about me. And I’ve just been…I dunno, I guess I just wanted to make sure that I knew my feelings were real and not something I made up in my mind to make it easier for me to undetstand you know?

Zayn sighs, he lets his hand trace the back of Niall’s slowly, and it’s the only part of Zayn that’s touching him. “But I think…I think I do know how I feel about you. And it’s scaring me, because I’m afraid that maybe this is just a dream, maybe it’s actually me in a coma right now, and all of this is just some hallucination I’m having, and I’ll wake up and I’ll be the same guy I was 5 years ago. The one who was only living day to day and didn’t believe in himself, who only saw everything in black and white before you came in and splashed his life with colour.”

He’s choking back tears now because for the first time he’s voiced out everything he’s been worrying about over the last few weeks. He rests his head on Niall’s chest and feels relieved when he can hear the steady beating of his heart against his ear.

“Please wake up Niall. I love you, please wake up.” Zayn whispers, but there’s nothing but silence that accompanies his words.

~

It’s another night that Zayn spends just lying in bed staring into the blank ceiling above. These days he can remember flashes, bits of memories that he can’t fully grasp until he talks to one of the boys about it hoping that they can fill in the gaps. His headaches are a rare sight nowadays too, and he’s thankful that a new memory doesn’t make him curl up into a ball anymore.

He’s thinking about the days when he used to be in the same position back in the old flat, idling his time away while he waited to go on to his shift at the store, daydreaming about finding a real job and having the stability that he yearned for.

He thinks back to the flat again, and as much as he hated it while he lived there, it was still home for a while, a sanctuary for him to disappear into. He wonders what was it that eventually made him move out…he never got around to asking Harry about it.

He pauses because it’s there, it’s right there, he can feel the memory just hiding somewhere in there and…normally he gets agitated and annoyed at himself when this happens, feeling like he’s so close to something but still unable to reach it. He’s starting to get angry, but then he remembers how Harry asked him to try taking deep breaths, to calm himself down and focus on just letting his mind work itself out.

 _Pull yourself together Malik_. He tells himself before closing his eyes…and then slowly it takes shape in his head, he can see the images and everything he’s getting excited, and a little nervous too, as he pieces together the pieces of this jigsaw puzzle.

_“Zayn? Whas the matter?” It’s a little after 3am when Zayn calls up Niall who’s voice sounds heavy with sleep._

_“Niall- Sorry I’m calling you so late…or early…depending what you think 3am is,” Zayn’s rambling now, and he’s not sure why he’s feeling so nervous. “It’s just…the thing is we’ve got a bit of a problem…uh…the roof caved in at the flat.”_

_“The roof?” Niall sounds a lot more awake now and Zayn can almost picture him sitting up straight on his bed._

_“Uh…yeah. I knew this place was a piece of shit, and frankly I’ve been waiting for something like this to happen and now I’ve woken you up and I-”_

_Niall interrupts him before he can start on a long-winded rant again. “Zayn- I’m gonna be there in 10 minutes.”_

_“No! I mean, we just need a place to crash for the night – Harry and I…we can catch a cab there.”_

_“I’m out the door already Zayn, just sit tight yeah?” Niall hangs up and Zayn smiles sheepishly at Harry. They’ve only been dating for two months now, and everything about their relationship is new and easy and unexpected. Zayn was a little hesitant to call Niall at first, but there was no one else they knew and they definitely didn’t have enough money for a hotel room._

_Exactly ten minutes later, Niall pulls up outside their building, his hair messed up and sticking out in every direction. He comes out of his car wearing a pair of thick jogging bottoms and that adorable green jumper with the cartoon duck on it that Zayn absolutely loves on him. Niall walks up worriedly to the two boys, looking at Zayn from top to bottom as if scanning him for any injuries._

_Zayn gives him a reassured smile and they pile in whatever belongings the two boys managed to pack up into the car. There’s not much, just the essential clothes and some valuable belongings they didn’t want to leave behind in the flat._

_The drive back to Niall’s is far from silent, Harry filling him in about how the two of them were sleeping when they heard a loud crash and woke up to find their upstairs neighbour’s bathtub in their living room. Zayn’s mostly quiet throughout the ride, he’s not sure why he’s still feeling nervous, eventhough he’s stayed over Niall’s flat plenty of times._

_He can’t stop thinking about how Niall didn’t even think twice before coming to pick him and his best friend up at 3 in the morning when he knows for a fact Niall has to get up by 6 for work later, and he gets a wave of affection for this boy when he remembers the image of Niall looking so concerned when he first pulled up outside Zayn’s flat. There’s a warm and fuzzy feeling in the centre of his chest and before he knows it he reaches across to take Niall’s hands in his, earning him a cheeky wink in return._

_Zayn and Harry end up spending close to a month at Niall’s when they find out that’s how long it’ll take to get their flat sorted out and ready to move in again. It’s interesting living with Niall, he’s made them feel so comfortable in his home and he never complains about the extra stuff they had to move in to store temporarily while their flat was getting redone._

_Sometimes Zayn walks in after a particularly gruelling day at work and Niall’s already got dinner cooking and ready for him by the time he comes out of the shower. They try to get him to split the grocery bill while they’re living under his roof but Niall has none of it, shrugging it off and even once getting mad when Harry left some money on the kitchen counter once. But still he doesn’t fail to make sure that the fridge is stocked up and even makes sure to get the special peppermint tea that Harry likes to drink._

_The few times that Zayn has stayed over at Niall’s house before this, he noticed that there was barely anything there to eat except for crisps and cans of beer. So it’s a touching gesture that Niall goes to all this effort to make sure that they feel comfortable._

_And then there’s the fact that Harry is a complete slob, leaving his things strewn everywhere in the living room where he’s set up bed. Harry and Niall share the same laidback personality, and so while Niall shrugs off Harry’s messiness, Zayn’s going around behind him attempting to clean up because he highly doubts Niall should be subjected to his best friend’s filthiness._

_Niall walks in after work one day to Harry and Zayn having a conversation in the kitchen about moving back into their flat._

_“Yeah, we spoke to the landlord and he said that we could move back in by this weekend. I went by today after work and it looks good. I don’t think anything else was heavily damaged, they just changed the ceiling and the flooring.”_

_Niall’s got his back towards them and Zayn notes that he’s being unusually quiet. He might be rummaging through the fridge but he was never short for comments before._

_“Do you get any kind of compensation?” He finally says as he opens a can a beer and sips from it._

_“Nah, I think the dude from upstairs is just gonna get us a new coffee table and sofa. I won’t be surprised if he got them from a secondhand store or summat.”_

_Niall just smiles in reply to Harry, but it’s forced, and then he just walks away and into his room without a word._

_Even Harry notices that something’s a little off, raising an eyebrow at Zayn who just shrugs, feeling a little confused himself. So he follows Niall into the room and finds him getting ready for a shower._

_“Hey...you alright?”_

_Niall just shoots him a smile and nods his head while he turns his back to Zayn and ruffles through the drawers for a change of clothes._

_Zayn walks up to him and wraps his arms around his waist, resting his chin on Niall’s shoulder before nuzzling into the crook of his neck._

_“No, something’s wrong. Why won’t you tell me?”_

_Niall lets out a sigh as he tips his head back to rest against Zayn’s. He keeps quiet for a while, closing his eyes while Zayn holds him._

_“I think...I just got used to having you around all the time...so hearing you two talk about moving out caught me off guard I guess.”_

_Zayn’s not used to seeing this side of Niall, he seems a little more reserved and he doesn’t quite like the fact that his eyes don’t seem to have the usual twinkle in them._

_“No…I think we’ve overstayed our welcome to be honest.”_

_Niall turns around in Zayn’s arms and looks at him with a soft smile. “Of course not baby. I’ve loved having you guys around here.” He pauses for a while, biting his lip as he looks a little hesitant to say something. “I know we haven’t been dating long…I guess I just liked the idea of waking up next to you everyday.”_

_Zayn presses a grin into his neck, breathing in the faint smell of musk mixed with sweat that he’s grown accustomed to over the past few weeks._

_“Yeah, I love waking up to your stupid face too.”_

_“Well why don’t you?”_

_It’s the seriousness in his voice that makes Zayn’s breath hitch a little as he feels his heart to beat a little faster, nervous with the thought of what that offer could mean._

_“What are you saying? You want me to move in?”_

_“If you want to?” There’s a hopeful glint in his eyes._

_Zayn doesn’t know what to say because it’s a little unexpected and he’s taken by surprise so he just snaps his mouth shut, although probably a little too loudly._

_“It’s nothing really, just forget about it.” Niall gives him a sad smile, kisses his cheek and steps out of his arms._

_Zayn realises that he might have just made a mistake so he quickly grabs onto Niall’s arm before he walks away._

_“It’s just…Harry yeah…I can’t just leave him…”_

_“Is that the only reason?” And Zayn knows that ultimately it comes down to how Zayn’s been treating this relationship. While Niall’s always been all in and transparent about his feelings, Zayn’s still being cautious, waiting around for something to happen that would lead to their break up, and he knows that Niall notices it too._

_So he takes Niall’s face in his hands and kisses him slowly. “Yeah. It’s just…it’s not that I don’t want no…just, it’s a little early for us now yeah?”_

_Niall looks at him endearingly, and he nods his head in understanding._

_“Look I know sometimes I might seem scared to take the next step or I don’t really talk about my feelings much but…I do like you Niall, I like you a lot.” That brings the smile back to Niall’s face. “But…can we take it slow?”_

_“Yeah, okay.” He kisses Zayn gently again._

Zayn smiles when he thinks back to that month when he and Harry crashed at Niall’s flat. He vaguely remembers that period of time, and makes a mental note to ask Harry about it the next day.

He turns to his side and sees a photo frame of a picture of Niall and Zayn on the bed side table. It comes naturally to him now when he realises that it’s a picture taken on one of their first few dates. Niall had brought him to a fun fair and he remembers having so much fun and Niall making him laugh the entire time. He remembers how feeling the excitement of getting to know each other in those early days was still hidden under all the bundle of nerves.

In the photo, Niall looks like he’s trying to take a selfie with the carousel at the back, his hair is flat and looks more brown than blonde, and he’s wearing a white and green long-sleeved shirt. Zayn is crouching next to him, so that he doesn’t block the view behind, wearing a black colour beanie, but his head is turned and he’s kissing Niall on the cheek.

Zayn lets out a chuckle as he thinks about how he was so nervous and it was on impulse that he did that, turning his head only when Niall was about to click the shutter. His ears go red and he blushes when he remembers that the second the photo was taken Niall grabbed him by the neck and pulled him closer to smash their lips together for a full kiss.

He’s just about to fall asleep when he startles awake because the thing is, he realises, he’s just spent the last half hour or so reliving memories of him and Niall. It’s like a bolt of lightning hits him and he sits up straight before jumping out of the bed and running into Harry’s room.

Harry’s a deep sleeper, so it takes a couple of hard shakes from Zayn to wake him up before he opens his eyes, that quickly widen in surprise when he sees Zayn standing over him. He quickly sits up looking worried. “What’s wrong? Is everything alright?”

“Haz…” Zayn is trying hard not to let his voice break, “I think I remember everything…”

Harry looks at him confused, his eyebrows knitted together as he stares wordlessly back at Zayn. It takes a while for him to fully process what Zayn’s words mean and when he does he grips onto Zayn’s arms while his eyes widen with hope.

“What do you mean?”

And so Zayn tells him about how everything he’s been replaying in his head, how he’s been able to jump into one memory to another. It’s like his mind is finally working on its own without waiting for him to give it prompts.

The two of them talk into the night, going through what Zayn can remember and what he can’t. It’s not like he’s suddenly woken up and he’s the same Zayn before the accident. He still feels a little confused, but now he doesn’t come up with a blank when he tries to remember something. He knows when the last time he got his hair cut was, and he knows what the last assignment he gave out to his students was. He knows Niall likes his coffee extremely sweet, and that they were due to attend one of his colleague’s weddings last month, which they obviously missed. It still takes him awhile, but he still feels like he’s made a lot of progress and tells himself to go visit his doctor while he’s at the hospital.

He goes to sleep with a smile on his face, and for the first time in a long time he can’t wait to wake up tomorrow.

~

Zayn wakes up to a beautiful sunny day and in an amazing mood. All that goes through his mind is “ _I remember, I remember, I remember.”_

It takes every fibre in his body to stop himself from rushing to the hospital to see Niall immediately.  Of all days, Harry can’t make it in with him today, after getting a work call asking him to come into his London office for something urgent. So Zayn decides to walk to the hospital instead, enjoying his 30 minute walk as he goes through memories of the last 4 years of his life.

Halfway through his 30 minute walk, he stops by a café to grab himself a sandwich for lunch and some muffins to snack on before deciding at the last minute to order some food for Louis as well, knowing he’d be well-hungry since he comes in straight from work. While he’s waiting for his order to be packed up to go, Zayn can’t help but feel his mood deflate slowly when he realises that while he’s moving forward in terms of recovery, Niall still hasn’t shown much change. He shakes the negative thought off just as quickly as it came, instead choosing to focus on the positives for now.

He grabs a coffee for himself too, juggling it in one hand and the bag of food in his other while he enters the hospital. The nurses smile at him as he walks past their station and greets each of them by their names.

One of them helps him to open Niall’s door considering his hands are full, and he gives her a wide smile and thanks her appreciatively. He’s a little confused by the look she gives him, almost like she’s rushing him in to the room, and he’s not sure why.

When he walks into the room he’s still looking over the shoulder at the nurse, his face confused especially when she gives him a wink and a small thumbs up. But riding on the wave of his good mood, he just laughs at her and shakes his head, already shrugging it off.

But when he turns his head back to the centre of the room, he almost drops everything in his hands.

Because there’s a pair of ocean blue eyes staring at him.

His throat goes dry, and just like when the first time he stepped into this room, he croaks out a soft  “Niall.”

But this time it’s different.

This time Niall is sitting up in his bed with a crooked smile on his face. Awake.


	4. keep your head up, and make it to me

4 months, 2 weeks and 5 days after the accident, Niall finally opens his eyes.

It’s just Zayn’s luck that he’s not there when it happens. Instead, he walks into Niall’s hospital room, completely unaware of the shock that’s waiting for him inside.

He turns around and comes to a stop when his eyes lock with the pair of ocean blue eyes that he’s been aching to see over the last few weeks.  He stumbles a little before he catches himself, almost dropping the coffee he’d tried to balance in his left hand on the way here while carrying the bag of food in his other. He wonders if he’s dreaming, because Niall is looking at him with that familiar lazy smile on his face, and it’s almost like he hasn’t been in a coma for the past few months.

His face is pale and the blonde has almost grown out of his hair and he looks so tiny sitting up in the bed surrounded by the white sheets and white machines and white walls. But his eyes, his blue eyes are stand out and are still bright as ever.

Zayn is still reeling from the shock and doesn’t move from his spot, and then Niall’s face falls and his smile slips and then he looks worried. He watches as Niall bites his lip, and he knows that’s a sign that he’s trying not to cry, and he almost looks…scared. All Zayn wants to do is reach out to wipe the worry off Niall’s face but for some reason he still can’t bring himself to move. His eyes trail to Niall’s mouth and he can see his lips moving but he doesn’t hear anything. But then he registers his name being called out in a soft whisper, and it sounds rough and weak but Zayn snaps out of his thoughts because it’s Niall, Niall’s calling out to him.

He crosses the room carefully, walking towards the bed while looking straight at Niall, and when he’s close enough he lifts his hand to slowly cup his cheek, and he feels his heart warming when Niall closes his eyes and leans into Zayn’s touch.

“Is this real?” Niall whispers quietly as he opens his eyes and stares back at Zayn.

When he hears Niall’s voice, Zayn lets out a happy sigh…and it’s like he’s been holding his breath all this time and can finally breathe. He lets out a choked sob before wrapping his arms around Niall and pulling him to his chest. There are so many feelings going through him, mostly shock and happiness that Niall’s finally awake, and it’s like opening the floodgates and Zayn just can’t stop his tears from falling as he openly cries into Niall’s neck where he’s buried his head.

But then Zayn’s barely gotten a chance to feel the warmth under his fingers when Niall pulls back, his eyes wild with fear as he looks at Zayn. “Say something, anything Zayn, I need to know that it’s really you and it’s not a dream.” He slowly lifts his hand to fist at Zayn’s shirt, and while his voice is still soft, his tone is desperate, almost angry.

Zayn struggles to find his voice, but he manages to croak out an answer in between his silent tears. “Niall…baby…it’s me…”

Niall just keeps staring at him long after the words come out of his mouth, and then he completely loses it and falls back into Zayn’s arms, letting his head fall against his chest. Zayn can feel the tears Niall lets out through his shirt, and all he wants to do is make him smile again and forget about everything they’ve been through. They stay like that for a while, and it takes everything in Zayn’s power to hold onto Niall tightly and not feel like the ground beneath him is going to give away at any moment.  

“I thought…” Niall starts, but he’s struggling to finish his sentence, and Zayn can feel the way his breathing gets quicker.

Zayn rubs Niall’s back gently to try and calm him down, and when he feels his breathing get back to normal, he leans back and holds Niall’s head in both his hands, forcing him to look at him. “You’re fine.” Zayn takes Niall’s hand and places a gentle kiss on each finger before pressing both their hands against his chest, just above his heart. “We’re both okay, alright?”

Niall face breaks into a smile and he lets out a quiet chuckle which lifts Zayn’s spirits up so much, just to hear that sound and he can’t help himself when he leans forward and crashes his lips with Niall’s, and it’s so ungraceful what with the mess of both of them crying and laughing through it but it’s perfect because the two of them are together again and that’s all Zayn wants because he’s finally holding Niall in his arms.

~

Their reconciliation doesn’t last long, because Niall gets tired from the excitement soon after, and after making Zayn promise to sit by his side until he wakes up, he falls asleep with his hands safely enclosed in Zayn’s.

It’s not like he did it on purpose, but Zayn was so wrapped up in just taking in the sight of Niall in front of him and processing what happened in the past hour, that it totally slipped Zayn’s mind to let the others know.

So when Harry walks in a little later, he’s completely oblivious to the fact that Niall’s actually sleeping, and not in his previous state of unconsciousness. Zayn watches as he strides in casually, his curly mop of hair lying flat without any product and longer than its normal length. He’s wearing a loose red and black flannel shirt with several of the buttons undone, allowing everyone a little peek at the ridiculous butterfly tattoo on his stomach, and Zayn’s got no doubt that Niall would love to tease him about it.

Harry walks up to the bed and gives Niall a kiss on the forehead and whispers “Hiya mate” in Niall’s ear, the same thing he does when he comes to visit every day, before turning and walking towards the sofa and taking out some stuff out of his bag.

Zayn sits still in his seat, because he doesn’t know how to start, the words are stuck in his throat, and in the end he ends up letting out a surprising laugh because Harry has no idea what he’s walked into, and he can’t wait for Niall to wake up so that he can see the look on Harry’s face when it happens. He doesn’t have to wait any longer, because Niall stirs awake after hearing Zayn trying to suppress his laughter next to him. Harry’s still got his back turned towards the bed, and Zayn watches as Niall slowly blinks and focuses his eyes to the sight in front of him before recognition spreads across his face.

“Haz…” Zayn tries to get Harry’s attention but he still doesn’t turn to look, choosing instead to mumble out “Hmm?”, still a little lost in his own world.

“Styles?” This time it’s Niall who calls out his name, his voice a little rough and scratchy from his dry throat, but there’s still a clear teasing tone in it that Zayn can’t help but laugh again when he hears it. But then Niall has a serious coughing fit and Zayn hurriedly rushes to bring a glass of water to his lips, and the two of them forget about Harry for the moment.

So they get a little shock when they hear a loud crash, and Harry’s finally turned to face them while his laptop lies on the ground by his feet, already sporting a crack at a corner. Zayn wants to run to him, shake him out of his daze and tell him that it’s not a dream, but he doesn’t want to let go of Niall’s hand, so he just grins wide and can’t help the tears that spring to his eyes, hoping that it sends the message across loud enough.

It’s amusing really, the way Harry just keeps staring at Niall while the two of them stare back at him.

“Hiya Haz. You…gonna come here…and give me a hug or not?” Niall struggles to speak, the words coming out slow but steady as he takes deep breaths in between. Zayn squeezes his hands encouragingly, because he knows how tired Niall is and how difficult this is for him. 

Harry’s face splits into a wide smile as he rushes towards the bed and immediately buries his head in Niall’s neck, one hand wrapping around Niall and the other pulling Zayn in. They stay like that for a while before Harry finally pulls back, messily wiping away the tears that are running down his face.

“It’s so good to see you Horan.”

Harry turns to look at Zayn and the two of them share a knowing smile, because they’re not only feeling happy, but there’s also relief…relief after months of feeling like they were on shaky ground.

Their little reunion is disrupted by a knock on the door, before Dr Belinda, the same doctor who also treated Zayn, enters with a warm smile.

“I’m sorry to interrupt, I couldn’t help but come and share this great news with you all.” Zayn’s fighting the urge to rush up to her and give her a hug, but nothing could make him leave Niall’s side at this point.

“I would have come by sooner, but we did an earlier examination on Mr Horan already, and I thought I’d leave you lot alone while you catch up. I know you’ve been waiting a long time for this.” She continues, and Zayn is hit with a wave of disappointment when he realises that Niall’s probably been awake for some time before he came into the hospital.

“How long has he been awake?” he asks.

“We think he first woke up sometime last night,” and Zayn gets a little angry, clenches his jaw as he thinks about how he should have been here instead of at home. “But he was drifting in and out of consciousness for a while and then I think this morning he was able to stay awake long enough when one of the nurses came in to check up on him. It’s common for patients coming out of a coma to gradually become fully conscious.”

Zayn looks down, where his hands are joined with Niall’s, and bites down the annoyance he feels when he thinks about how he should have taken a cab in this morning instead of trying to walk it, especially when he knew it would take longer. He hates that Niall woke up alone without any one of them around him, and the bottom line is that he feels like he’s let Niall down. But then he feels Niall tugging on his hand and when he lifts his head up, Niall is looking at him with a soft look, it’s as if he knows exactly what Zayn’s thinking because he shakes his head and gives him a reassuring smile.

“Niall, we’re glad to have you back with us again.” Dr Belinda smiles softly at him, and Niall returns her smile before turning to look at Zayn instead.

“It…” He pauses as he tries to find the words, “feels good to be back.” Zayn leans forward to place a light kiss on his temple, feeling like he’s walking on air because he’s so happy that he remembers how much he loves this boy next to him.

“Well Niall, I know you managed to talk to us about it a little bit earlier, but maybe you can repeat it for the benefit of Zayn and Harry so that they can also hear how you came out of the coma?”

Now Zayn turns to Niall and gives him a reassuring smile, though he isn’t sure he wants to hear what Niall’s going to say. “I just...I just felt like I was coming out of a deep sleep. I couldn’t…I didn’t know where I was. I just remember feeling really confused.”

“Do you know how long you were awake for?”

Niall pauses for a while as he tries to remember. “Not long…I remember sort of going in and out of it. I think it was nighttime…because when I opened my eyes it was almost pitch black. I could hear a beeping sound, but I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.”

“Did you have any idea where you were or what happened?” she continues while writing notes in her little notebook, just like how she was doing with Zayn.

“Not at first I think? I remember falling unconscious again but then…” He tightens his hold on Zayn’s hand, his grip is weak but it’s enough that Zayn can still feel the tension through his hands. He gets worried when he sees the look of fear on Niall’s face and he quickly moves closer to him and rubs his thumb comfortingly over Niall’s knuckles.

“I remembered the accident.” This time it’s Zayn’s turn to grip Niall’s hand tight. Harry’s face has gone cold and even Niall doesn’t look pleased. “Not a lot. I just remembered the crash and then…then everything went black again.”

Zayn just stares at Niall and prays that he can’t remember a thing about the accident so that he doesn’t have to relive that nightmare.

“After a while I felt something pressing against my leg, and I couldn’t open my eyes again at first…couldn’t really bring myself to move at all.”

Niall pauses to take a deep breath, and it’s obvious how much just talking tires him out.

“He was sort of mumbling, like he was trying to form words but he couldn’t.” Everyone’s attention moves to the nurse who’s just spoken, a short brunette lady who’s been standing right next to the door the whole time. “I came in to massage his legs to get his blood circulation going, like I do every morning.”

“I heard...” Niall continues, Zayn’s attention turns back to him. “I heard her say Zayn’s name… and I just…I tried to push myself to open my eyes.” Zayn’s feels like he’s about to fall apart, but he wants to be strong, he _needs_ to be strong for the both of them, so he fights down the tears and tries to keep the smile on his face. It’s a genuine smile though, and his heart jumps at the thought that Niall was thinking about him.  

“It took him awhile to gain full consciousness. It was difficult to keep him awake…but once we knew that talking about Zayn was some sort of stimulus for him, we used it to our advantage. We just kept repeating Zayn’s name to try and coax him awake”. Another nurse speaks up, and Zayn recognises her as the head nurse who he’s seen coming in to check on Niall a few times and with whom he’s had several conversations with as well. He’s even showed her his sketchbook filled with all the drawings he’s done these past few weeks.

Dr Belinda turns to look at Zayn apologetically, “We only had your house number on record, and no one was picking up. Though admittedly we didn’t try too hard, all the nurses were confident that you’d be coming in soon. We didn’t know that you’d be late today.”

Zayn shakes his head in frustration, inwardly cursing himself again for taking his time to make it to the hospital. Even Harry looks shocked, his green eyes wide with disbelief. “Trust you to wake up the one day I decide to go into the office first thing in the morning Niall.” Harry says teasingly, but there’s also a sad tone to his voice and Zayn knows that Harry feels just as bad as he does that they weren’t here for Niall when he woke up.

The more he thinks about it, the more he gets frustrated with himself and he doesn’t realise it but he slowly feels Niall placing his hand on his waist, gripping it weakly and pulling him in closer. He can feel Niall’s nose pressed against his temple, and feeling Niall’s breath against his skin calms him down immediately. “You’re here now and that’s all that matters.” Niall whispers quietly and Zayn just nods his head, still in awe that this is real and Niall’s actually awake.

The two of them stay in their own little world for a minute or so, already settling into their old habits before finally bringing their attention back to Dr Belinda who just smiles in understanding.

“Now Niall, can you tell me how the feeling in your arms and legs is?”

Niall doesn’t answer for a while, but Zayn can see the way his brows are pushed together in a frown. “I can’t…I can’t move them much.” He looks at Zayn worriedly, but all he can do in return is rub his hand reassuringly. Niall turns back to face the doctor. “They feel…heavy…I can’t even…” he looks down at his hand that’s laced with Zayn’s and gives it a little squeeze that brings a smile to Zayn’s face but it only deepens the frown on Niall’s. “I can’t even grip his hand tight.”

 “That’s nothing to worry about Niall. You’ve been in a coma for a few months now and it’s only natural that the muscles in your body go a little weak. We’ll do a couple of tests to assess them but I’m confident that it’s nothing a couple of sessions of physiotherapy won’t fix.” She gives him a reassuring smile that Zayn hopes will ease Niall’s worries. “We’ll also do a couple of scans, probably an MRI to check his brain function, just to make sure there isn’t any other underlying damage from being in the coma for so long.” She directs the last bit to Zayn and Harry.

 “Wait.” Dr Belinda, who was on her way out, stops in her tracks and looks at Niall expectantly. Zayn can hear the anxiety in his voice, and he looks at him worryingly.

“How long was I out for?”

It’s then that Zayn realises that Niall doesn’t know the full details of his condition yet and he’s instantly hit with the worry of how Niall’s going to take it when he finds out.

“Baby...it’s been four months since the accident. You’ve been in a coma since then.” Zayn says slowly, and Harry comes closer to the bed to put a reassuring hand on Niall’s knee.

“Oh my god…four months?” Zayn just nods at him, and it breaks his heart to see Niall looking so confused and lost.

So he tilts Niall’s head towards him and presses his lips to the wrinkles in Niall’s brow, hoping to kiss them away. “It doesn’t matter okay? You’re awake now, that’s all that matters.” Echoing the same thing Niall told him earlier, Zayn hopes that it’ll work. Niall just nods in silently, but Zayn can see the clogs working in his brain as he tries to figure everything out.

“I’ll get the nurses to come in a little later to bring you for your tests.” Dr Belinda supplies before leaving the room.

Harry’s been quiet the entire time, but now he moves to the other side of the bed opposite of Zayn and holds Niall’s cheek in his palm. He flashes him a wide grin before saying, “You’re fine mate.” It looks like it reassures Niall a little, but Zayn knows he’s probably got a lot of questions for them.

A nurse comes in after a while and they wheel Niall away in his bed to get an MRI scan done. Zayn’s anxious to follow him, and Niall even refuses to let go of his hand but the nurse is adamant that he has to go alone. Zayn reluctantly removes his fingers from Niall’s grip and kisses his lips softly before giving him an encouraging smile. “I’ll be right here.” he whispers, then presses his lips against Niall’s temple again.

Harry and Zayn are left in Niall’s room alone and they don’t say anything to each other for a while, each too busy trying to come to terms with the fact that Niall’s finally awake. They both just stare into space before Zayn sits down on the sofa and leans his elbows on his legs, holding his head in his hands as he tries to process his morning and goes through everything that’s happened since last night.

“I…I walked in and he was just sitting there…smiling at me as if nothing happened.” Zayn finally breaks the silence, shaking his head as he remembers everything that’s happened in the past hour. “He’s awake…” He says after a beat’s silence, “I’m not dreaming right?” Zayn turns to look at Harry, and there’s a part of him that’s afraid that at any moment now he’s going to wake up alone in bed in the flat and that this is all really just a figment of his imagination.

“You’re not mate.” Harry pinches him on the shoulder for extra effect, chuckling softly as he sits down next to Zayn and lets him bury his head in his neck. “I can’t believe it mate.” It comes out muffled because Harry’s speaking into his hair but Zayn is close enough that he can make out the words. He nods in response, no words coming to mind to accurately describe the emotions he feels at that moment, and he knows that Harry feels the same.

They sit like that for another hour while waiting for Niall to return. Every now and then a nurse comes in to update them on how Niall’s doing and to explain the tests they’re doing on him. Zayn really appreciates it because he’s already going wild with worry that something could be wrong and can’t stop fidgeting in his seat. He and Harry contemplated calling the other boys to come to the hospital immediately, but they didn’t know how much longer Niall was going to be away and they didn’t want the boys to come when he wasn’t back from his tests. So instead Harry sends Liam a text asking him to finish work quickly and to pick Louis up on the way. Zayn chuckles softly after Harry clicks send, already impatient to see them.

They wait for another half an hour before Louis finally makes his way to the hospital room.

“What the fuck’s going on?” Louis is looking at the two of them with wide eyes, his mouth open in shock as he stares at the empty space where Niall’s bed was. “Where’s Niall? What happened?”

Zayn can only imagine the sight in front of Louis right now. An empty hospital room, and then Zayn sitting with his red-rimmed eyes because he hasn’t stopped crying and he’s not sure whether it’s because he’s so happy or whether it’s because he’s so worried about Niall. Plus Harry’s hair looks messier than normal from the countless times he’s ran his fingers through it over the one and half hours they’ve been waiting and they didn’t even realise that his laptop was still lying in a corner, the crack suddenly looking bigger than it did in the first place.

“Excuse me.” The three boys turn to the sound at the door, and they watch as the nurse wheels Niall back into the room. Zayn has to tear his eyes away from Niall’s entrance to look at Louis instead, who’s now standing close to the window and watching with wide eyes at the sight in front of him.

“No fucking way.” Louis exclaims when Niall looks at him and shoots him a sheepish smile. He stands like a statue in his spot, and Zayn and Harry have just stood up when Louis strides over to Niall and launches himself at him. “It’s about fucking time mate.”

It’s supposed to come out in a teasing tone, but Louis’s voice isn’t steady and Zayn can see from where he’s standing that Louis is already on the verge of losing control of his emotions and just crying all over Niall.

“And you look like shit.” Niall says, and that’s all they needed before everyone in the room bursts out laughing, even the nurses who are standing outside watching the scene before them join in the laughter. Zayn is doing everything he can not to crumble right there, because this is Niall, and he wants to shout out that he remembers, that he remembers Niall like this, being the light in everyone’s lives and always bringing a smile to people’s faces. Most of all, he wonders how the hell they got by these past few months without him.

The room is silent again and Zayn doesn’t realise that he’s drifted off to the window, looking out with his back turned against the room so no one can see the way his emotions are getting the better of him.

“Zayn?”

He hears Niall’s voice behind him and he takes a moment to just savour it and be grateful that it’s actually real. He quickly wipes his face and turns back to look at the rest of them with a genuine smile. Niall looks at him worriedly, and Zayn doesn’t want that, because he wants to see nothing else but a smile on Niall’s face all the time now, so he just shakes his head and walks back to the bed.

He can’t help it when he leans in and noses along Niall’s jaw, can hear the way his breath hitches, and kisses his chapped lips.

“Alright, alright, I know it’s been a while but jeez get a room guys.” Louis juts in.

It breaks some sort of spell that’s come over the room and it’s enough to lift everyone spirits and plaster a smile back on their faces.

“Now can someone explain to me why the hell no one called us when this happened? Oh shit Liam-“ Louis stops abruptly and quickly reaches into his pocket to take his phone out.

“Where is he? Thought you came here with him?” Harry asks.

“Yeah he couldn’t find parking so he dropped me off first. Shit, I’ve got to call him-“

“Li…” They hear Niall’s voice break through their chatter and Louis lets out a choked sound and stares at the door. Everyone turns to see Liam standing there, his eyes wide and looking in disbelief. They hadn’t even realised he was there and Zayn has no idea for how long, but it doesn’t matter, just as long as he’s here.

None of them say anything, but Liam isn’t making a move forward either. He just stares at Niall, as if wondering if he’s in a dream or if it’s reality. Louis finally walks towards the door and takes Liam’s hands, whose eyes are still locked on Niall, and pulls him inside.

“It’s really him babe.”

Louis wraps his arms around Liam’s waist and hides his head under his chin and stays there and it takes a while before Zayn realises that Louis is crying as he holds onto his boyfriend. Liam doesn’t do anything, but it’s like hearing Louis’s silent sobs breaks him out of his daze. Finally after a few minutes, Liam walks out of Louis’s arms and slowly approaches Niall. He stands at the foot of the bed before his face breaks into a smile and then he’s practically jumping on the bed to pull Niall in for a hug.

It’s a sight that breaks Zayn’s heart. Liam’s always been the strongest out of all of them, and out of all of them Zayn’s rarely seen Liam show any emotion on how Niall’s coma has affected him. But now watching Liam hold onto Niall for dear life and crying into his shoulder, Zayn sees the way Liam’s whole body just relaxes, letting go of the months of tension that he’s been holding inside of him.  There’s a mixture of relief and happiness on Liam’s face as he laughs through his tears and fondly drags his fingers through Niall’s hair.

“I’m so happy to see you mate.” His voice breaks but Niall just smiles back at him, quickly thumbing away the tears that fall down Liam’s face.

Niall’s been the one in a coma for the past few months, but looking around the room now, it’s like he’s the one who’s reassuring everyone. But it’s no surprise, Niall’s the glue that keeps them all together. And watching all his boys together, Zayn finally feels like he’s complete again.

~

“We thought it’d be a nice surprise!”

Louis turns to look at Harry and narrows his eyes disapprovingly.

“A surprise?! We’ve been waiting for him to wake up for so long and you wanted it to be a surprise?” Louis rolls his eyes as he drops his body on the sofa next to Harry.

“Seemed like a good idea at the time…”

“I can’t believe these idiots, especially you Zayn.” He directs his disapproval at Zayn next, who just buries his head in Niall’s neck and enjoys the way he can hear him chuckling and feel the way his chest shakes.

The rest of the afternoon is spent with various nurses coming in and out to check up on Niall. He spends most of the time sleeping, but before that he asks Zayn to lie down next to him. “I just want to make sure I know you’ll be right here next to me.” He says, and it breaks Zayn’s heart to hear Niall’s voice sounding so small.

Zayn just smiles at him before he takes his place next to Niall, wrapping his arms carefully around his shoulders. Niall just looks at Zayn with a sleepy smile on his face and interlaces both their hands together, and doesn’t take his eyes off Zayn’s until he can’t keep them open anymore.

Zayn lies awake the whole time that Niall’s asleep just staring at his sleeping figure, tracing his fingers over Niall’s features and committing them to memory eventhough he knows them like the back of his hand. It’s just now there are scratches and a nasty scar right above his right eyebrow, a stark reminder of the last few months.

It takes awhile, but Zayn slowly matches his breathing with Niall’s and before long he’s fallen asleep too. For the first time in what feels like forever, he goes to sleep feeling content and like this massive void in his heart has finally been filled.

~

In the excitement of everything paired with the fact that he’s practically glued himself to Niall’s side all day, Zayn completely forgets to call his parents to tell them the good news. When he remembers it’s only because Niall, as usually putting everyone ahead of himself, was asking after them.

His parents would want to know immediately, so he reluctantly excuses himself to give them a call, after reassuring Niall that he’ll only be gone for a sec.

He stands just outside the room while the rest of the boys keep Niall company, but Zayn could already see before he left the way Niall’s eyes were drooping so he won’t be surprised if he’s asleep already. He wanted to make the call while he was alone, because no doubt he was going to get emotional when telling his parents the news and he didn’t want Niall to see him that way.

“Baba…” His dad is the one who picks up the phone, and Zayn’s struggling to keep his voice calm and collected.

“Zayn…how’s everything? Any good news?” His father asks and Zayn starts laughing instead, surprising himself. It’s just this is the first thing his father asks each time they talk, and now finally, Zayn really does have some good news for him.

But the thing is, he’s so overcome with joy and it’s like the realization has just sunk in and all that’s going through his head at the moment is that Niall is awake and he’s sitting up and he’s inside laughing with Harry and Liam and Louis and he’s so happy that he doesn’t know how to put it into words.

“Zayn! What’s wrong?”

He tries to speak but remains quiet while he tries to figure out how to get the words out of his mouth but before he can he hears some shuffling on the other end and then his mum’s voice comes through.

“Zayn, you’re worrying your father. What’s happened love?”

He takes a few deep breathes to calm down and he’s actually thankful that it’s his mum on the line now because his father would have no patience for him. He figures the best way is to just spit it out, so he says it in one breath.

“He’s awake.”

Zayn hears the sharp intake of breath from his mum and he’s trying hard not to get overwhelmed with his feelings again. When she speaks, it comes out softer and more hopeful. “Oh my god Zayn…really?”

Zayn nods absently to himself before replying. “Yea mum…just this morning…he’s awake and…he’s looking good.”

He hears his father in the background, asking his mum what’s the matter and he can’t help but to let out a soft chuckle because he can hear the impatience in his voice.

“It’s Niall…he’s woken up love…” his mum says, directing it to his father.

He smiles because again he hears the “Really?” then hears his father repeatedly give thanks to God. He hastily wipes his tears away before quickly telling his mum about everything that’s happened.

When he finishes the call and steps back into the room, Niall looks up at him with a wide smile on his face. Zayn wonders how he ever went for so long without seeing that sight, and he can’t help but mirror it on his own face.

“Parents send their love.” He says as he walks up to Niall. “They’re really happy.” He adds before kissing Niall gently, and loves it when he sees a blush spreading across his pale cheeks. He’s so happy, and tries to ignore the nagging worry at the back of his mind that something could go wrong to destroy this peace that he’s finally gotten after months.

None of them go home for the night, Liam and Louis choosing to sleep on the sofa while Harry sits in a corner on the floor with his back against the wall. Zayn sits in the chair next to Niall’s bed but he barely closes his eyes, afraid that he might wake up and find out it was all a dream. He keeps his hand clasped with Niall’s, leaning forward to rest his head against the side of the bed, watching the steady rise and fall of Niall’s chest.

Zayn just sits there and reflects back on the day, thinking about what Niall said to him at one point in the afternoon when he managed to stay awake for a while, and the other boys had gone off somewhere else leaving the two boys alone.

“Zayn…you…did you get hurt?” His eyes are wide and he looks so worried and Zayn hates that look on his face.

“Nothing happened to me baby…don’t worry about me okay?”

Niall visibly relaxes, and slumps back to close his eyes and falls asleep again.

Zayn just stares at his sleeping figure, it’s like nothing’s changed and he looks exactly how he did when he was in the coma, but this time there’s a small smile on his face as he sleeps.

It wasn’t intentional, but it just didn’t occur to Zayn to tell him about his memory loss. It’s barely been a day since Niall had regained consciousness and he didn’t want to unnecessarily worry him. So he decides to keep it to himself for a while, and makes a mental note to let everyone else know, because he can’t have Niall freaking out.

~

His parents drive down immediately the next day. Zayn’s sitting on the bed next to Niall, his fingers still in their rightful place between the spaces of Niall’s fingers. Harry brings them in, and Niall’s face lights up when he sees them. Trisha runs into the room excitedly, and Zayn can see that she’s already gotten a head start on the waterworks before coming in.

Zayn can remember how just four months ago he was so baffled by how his parents were so affected by Niall’s accident, when he didn’t remember how much Niall meant to him. But now he knows for sure that this is one of the reasons why he loves Niall, because of how much his family loves him too.

“Oh darling...” his mum starts before stopping to bring her hands to cup Niall’s face. Zayn watches the two of them, sees how Niall bites his lips nervously and he knows that it’s his way of stopping himself from crying. But when Zayn’s mum brings his face to hers and kisses both his cheeks lightly, Zayn can see that there was no use for that because a few tears slip out from the corner of his eyes by the time she pulls back.

“It’s so good to see you love.”

Niall just smiles in response and nods his head. Zayn’s dad watches everything from the door and Harry is standing next to him with his hand on his shoulder in a comforting gesture.

He finally takes a step forward when his mum beckons. “Good to see you boy.” And everyone ends up laughing because he sounds so casual about it eventhough his voice is thick with emotion.

The next hour passes by quickly and it’s the only time Zayn strays away from Niall and takes a back seat. He sits at the foot of the bed with his father sitting next to him on the chair and the two of them look on while his mum fusses over Niall. She’s on mum mode immediately, making sure that he’s comfortable and asking if he needs any extra pillows for his back and then makes him some tea and holds the cup patiently while he slowly sips from it.

But over time, Zayn can see Niall getting more and more tired. He hasn’t been able to stay awake for more than a few hours at a time, and Zayn knows how much he’s struggling to stay awake for the sake of his parents. Niall’s been able to keep up conversation with most of them for at least a couple of minutes, but then he starts talking less, listening and nodding his head instead, and his movements become slower.

Zayn steps in when he sees the way Niall’s eyes start to grow heavy but tries to keep them open instead eventhough Zayn’s parents have moved away and are just sitting on the sofa talking to Liam and Harry. It takes both Zayn and Louis’s efforts to force Niall to get some rest, and Zayn has to reassure him that his parents won’t mind if he decides on a nap, and less than a minute later he’s already knocked out. 

His parents leave soon after, and he decides to walk them out and Harry follows along to say goodbye. His mum holds him tight and keeps telling him how happy she is and that Niall looks great and that he’s going be okay. He gives his mum an extra long hug, and even his dad pulls him in close instead of the usual pat on the back, and he hopes that the two of them can understand how grateful he is for their support and how much it means to him.

Harry and Zayn don’t head back in immediately after his parents leave. Zayn can’t help thinking about how everything seems exactly the same as before but yet so many things have changed over the last couple of days. He starts to get overwhelmed and aches for a cigarette to ease his all his thoughts, and reaches in his pocket for his cigarettes. His hands are shaky as he fumbles with his lighter, and Harry carefully takes it from his grip and helps him to light up.

Harry accompanies him while he smokes, the both of them standing in a comfortable silence, shoulders pressed against each other as they lean back against the wall of the hospital building. Liam and Louis come down after a while as well, the two of them looking a little worse for wear but relief obvious in their faces.

“Niall?” Zayn asks anxiously.

“He’s still sleeping.” Liam says with a tired smile on his face. He doubts all of them barely got any sleep last night, but everyone’s in a relaxed mood nonetheless. The four of them sit on the familiar bench outside the building, the same one Zayn spent most of his days on before he managed to get the guts to walk into Niall’s room. They sit there and talk about what the doctor’s said so far about Niall’s condition and the tests they still need to run.

“He asked if I got hurt.” Zayn says as he finishes his cigarette and throws the butt to the ground before crushing it with his shoes. “I just told him nothing happened to me.”

Everyone stays quiet, it’s like they’re not sure what they’re supposed to say.

“I don’t want him to know.” He continues, and pointedly doesn’t look at any one of them as he says it, afraid that they might disagree.

“You’re not going to keep it from him forever are you?” Harry says, and Zayn hates that he can hear a slight disapproval in his best friend’s voice.

“Of course not…I just…I don’t think I should tell him now. It’s too much for him to take.” He looks to Liam as if for permission, or to back him up in reassuring him that it’s a good idea.

They’re all silent as everyone thinks about it, before Liam breaks the silence. “Zayn’s right, it’s not the right time. He’ll just be worrying his head off.” Zayn slowly looks to the others to see their reaction. Louis just shrugs and Harry still looks like he doesn’t agree but after a while he nods which makes Zayn feel a little relieved.

Zayn glances at his watch and realises they’ve been away for an hour already and quickly walks back into the hospital, leading the rest of the boys in. When they reach Niall’s floor, they’re greeted by a commotion coming from his room. Zayn rushes in without a second thought and a nurse quickly catches hold of his arm as he enters.

“He woke up a while ago and freaked out when he didn’t see you.”

Niall’s sitting up, his hands gripping the sheets and eyes wide with fear. There are two nurses holding him on either side of his shoulder that he keeps shrugging off.

“Niall…” Zayn calls out and he quickly steps towards the bed. Niall reaches out for his hand when Zayn gets close enough and pulls him in so that both their foreheads are touching.

Zayn can feel the rapid rise and fall of Niall’s breathing against his chest as he rubs circles around Niall’s back in an attempt to calm him down.

“I’m here…it’s alright baby…I’m right here…” Zayn keeps repeating it like a mantra, and curses himself for staying away for so long.  

Niall doesn’t say anything and the only thing that Zayn gets in response is the breath he feels against his neck from where Niall’s buried his head.

After a while Zayn feels Niall’s breathing even out and return to normal and his grip loosening around his shoulders. He finally opens his mouth to speak, though it still comes out soft and scratched…and if Zayn wasn’t already focusing on every movement from him, he probably wouldn’t have caught the words.

“I thought you were gone…”

Zayn almost replies that he was just taking a break downstairs and lost track of time when he realises what Niall truly means.

“I’m fine Niall…We’re both fine…okay?”

He feels Niall grip him a little tighter, though it’s still weak, and feels the way his head nods slowly against his shoulder. Zayn finally pulls back and sees the fear gone from Niall’s eyes and offers him a small smile which he reciprocates. He leans forward and places a light kiss against Niall’s nose, intending to make him laugh a little, but Niall just presses his lips against Zayn’s…hard but gentle at the same time, before pulling back and resting his forehead against Zayn’s again.

“You’ve been smoking…” Niall whispers against his lips.

Zayn looks down sheepishly. “I’m sorry I…” He starts but he’s quickly interrupted by Niall’s lips softly covering his own again.

“It’s okay …I like it…smells like you.”

They’re broken out of their bubble when they hear someone clearing their throat and Zayn remembers the scene he walked in on with all the nurses and the boys following behind him. He slowly turns his head and finds the head nurse looking at the both of them with concern.

“Is everything okay Niall?” she asks.

“I’m fine, sorry I just…I had a dream that Zayn was…” he pauses and shakes his head quickly as if to ward off a bad memory, “And then I woke up and no one was around so I think I just panicked a little, that’s all.”

The nurse gives them an apologetic smile and leaves the room, and Zayn brings his attention back to Niall. He’s closed his eyes, the recent incident already tiring him out, but Zayn can still feel him rubbing his thumb over his hand gently.

The way Niall’s been acting ever since he woke up, he’s been so afraid of letting Niall out of his sight. The thing is, Zayn doesn’t know how he’ll break it to Niall that he spent the last four months trying to figure out how Niall fit into his life, and he knows that it’ll just break his heart if he knew that Zayn wasn’t by his side the whole time he was unconscious.

He steps away from the bed for a minute when Niall’s asleep again, and looks out the window while he tries to gather his thoughts. He feels someone come up behind him and put their hand on his shoulder, giving it a little squeeze. He knows without looking that it’s Harry and leans back into his touch.

“What am I gonna do Haz?” he asks softly as he turns to look back at Niall.

“You’ll figure it out Zayn. Just focus on helping Niall get better. Then figure everything out later.” Harry says and Zayn just nods, knowing that there’s nothing else he can do.

~

“I can’t believe that we were here every day since the accident and he decides to wake up the one time we weren’t around.” Louis exclaims frustratingly one afternoon. “Tosser.” He adds, intentionally directing it to Niall teasingly.

“Well I’m sorry I had to do it on your…schedule Lou. Maybe you should have repeatedly said _‘Wake up at 2pm. Wake up at 2pm.’_ ” Niall retorts back that has everyone howling with laughter.  

It’s a good day when Niall can stay awake and make jokes with the boys. He still sleeps a lot, tired after the many tests he still has to go for, but he’s been making a conscious effort to stay awake longer each day. It’s days like this when Zayn sits next to him like he’s done over the last few weeks with his sketchbook in hand, but now he draws Niall awake, sitting up and talking with a big smile on his face. Some days, Niall acts like he’s handling everything really well, which surprises not only Zayn and the boys but the doctors and nurses as well.

But then there are times when Niall will be sleeping, and he’ll jolt awake and Zayn will rush to his side only to find his body breaking out in cold sweats. In those times he cries out for Zayn, his eyes wide and full of fear, his breathing erratic, until Zayn has to whisper in his ear that he’s right there over and over, before Niall finally relaxes and then falls back to sleep within minutes.

Liam, Louis and Harry still stick to the same schedule as they did before, except now Zayn pretty much stays in the hospital all the time. Liam and Louis tried to stay a couple of times but Niall told them there was no point because he didn’t have the urge to kiss any of them in the middle of the night, making Zayn giggle while he tries to hide his blush. He often sneaks into the bed to lie next to Niall eventhough the nurses always berate them for it, because apparently it isn’t good for Niall because he’s still considered to be in a fragile state.

In the first few days that Niall’s awake, Zayn feels like he’s walking on air. The two of them are constantly cuddling and sneaking kisses to the point the other boys groan and leave the room to give them a little privacy. All of Niall’s tests come back looking good and the only thing that’s still keeping him at the hospital is to get his strength back up and start his physiotherapy.

But then, Zayn begins to notice subtle changes in Niall that seem a little odd. The first time it happens, Zayn is trying to feed him some food when he mumbles something that he can’t quite catch. At first he thinks it’s because Niall’s mouth is full and but when he asks him to repeat himself the same unintelligible words come out. Zayn just looks at him confused, but Niall doesn’t seem to be fazed by it, so he just pushes it to the back of his mind.

And then he notices how sometimes when they’re having a conversation, Niall will abruptly stop talking in the middle of it and look a little lost for a while, and then he’d forget what he was trying to say.

Zayn only starts to seriously worry when Harry comes to him with his own concerns.

“Have you noticed that Niall’s speech is a little…off?”

Niall’s taking another one of his naps when Harry pulls Zayn quietly outside. They stand right outside with the door slightly ajar so that Zayn can see if Niall suddenly wakes up. He’s a little taken aback by Harry’s question, but at the same time he can’t help but agree with him because he’s picked up on it as well.

“We were talking just now, and it took him some time to just finish a sentence. He got upset by it too…but I managed to distract him by talking about something else.” Harry adds and Zayn doesn’t know what to say.

“I know…it’s happened to me a few times as well. I don’t know whether it’s normal but…maybe it’s just one of the side effects of coming out of the coma?”

Harry just shrugs as he looks into the room at Niall’s sleeping form. “I think we’d better talk to the doctor. He might need speech therapy or something. It’s only worrying because it’s happening a lot more frequently now and…” He lets his sentence drift off and Zayn’s mind is immediately going to the worst case scenario because what if it’s a bad sign? Shouldn’t Niall be getting better and if anything not getting worse?

Harry notices how he’s tensed up and the fear is open for everyone to see on his face. He quickly grabs onto Zayn’s shoulders, forcing him to look into Harry’s bright green eyes. “Hey, hey…stop it. Look we don’t know if it’s anything bad yet, okay? We’re just concerned and want to make sure he’s fine…don’t go thinking about the worst things okay?” Zayn just nods his head slowly, but he’s still scared, because that’s all he feels these days.

Scared that something’s going to happen and take Niall away from him again.

~

Trying to meet the doctor without Niall knowing proves to be more difficult that they thought it would be because he always wants Zayn by his side. They try not to leave him alone in the room, and even when he takes naps he’s usually just going in and out of slumber so it’s hard to leave without him noticing. Finally two afternoons later, Liam comes into the hospital early from work and distracts Niall with a story about the latest projects he’s been working on and Zayn slips out using a cigarette break as an excuse.

As always, Dr Belinda greets them with a warm smile outside her office and suggests that they grab a coffee down at the hospital cafeteria. Zayn is nervous the whole time, afraid that they’ll take too long and Niall will get suspicious if he doesn’t get back soon.

“Zayn is everything okay?”

“Yeah it’s just…I don’t want to take too long. I’m scared Niall will get worried.” Zayn answers a little hesitantly.

“Ah…yes, I heard about the incident from that day. If it makes you feel any better I think it’s just temporary. He thought he almost lost you in the accident…so he’s probably feeling a little anxious. With time, once he gets back into a routine, it’ll be fine.” She says but it does little to lessen the worry that Zayn’s feeling. She must sense it, because she reaches over the table to squeeze his hand which he appreciates.

“Did you want to see me about something else?” She asks when the two boys look at each other.

“Yeah well…it’s about his speech…” Zayn starts…but he doesn’t know how to go about it before Harry continues for him.

“Sometimes it seems like…he’s having a bit of trouble with it. Like he just drops the conversation and doesn’t remember what he was saying.”

“Sometimes he’ll say something and I can’t even understand him. It’s just…he was talking fine when he first woke up…but it’s almost like he’s getting worse?” Zayn adds.

Dr Belinda listens patiently and thinks for a while before she answers them. “I can understand your concerns. It’s probably just one of the effects of coming out of the coma. We’re pretty confident that there isn’t any lasting damage to his brain, because he didn’t have any major brain injuries. Even while he was in a coma we were monitoring his brain activity and it was normal and active, which is why we were a little surprised that he wasn’t waking up. The thing you have to understand is, he didn’t use his brain for those couple of months, so it might be a little…rusty.”

Zayn can understand what she’s trying to say, and it does make him feel a little better. He can see Harry nod in understanding next to him, and he sincerely hopes that Niall’s speech problem is just temporary.

“How about you Zayn? How are you feeling?” Dr Belinda suddenly says, turning her attention to him.

“Me? I’m perfect Doc…”

She just smiles carefully at him and Zayn quickly gets up to leave.

“We’ll start Niall on some speech therapy, I think that’ll help him a lot.” She adds and Zayn and Harry thank her as they both turn to walk away. She calls out to Zayn a few steps later he turns to look back at her expectantly.

“It’s just…I know it’s easy to get distracted by Niall and making sure he’s okay, but you’ve got to remember that you’re also recovering. Just because your memory is back doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be careful okay?”

Zayn just nods and gives her an appreciative smile, unsure what to say. He’s fine, he knows he is, and right now all he can concentrate on is getting Niall and his life back to normal.

~

The thing about being in a coma for a few months is that the body’s muscles get weak from lack of use. The doctors were already worried about this within a few weeks that Niall wasn’t waking up and there was nothing much that they could do except try to move his limbs themselves while he was unconscious and helpless.

When Niall first woke up though, he doesn’t let on how weak he really is. He tries his best to act like everything is normal but it only ends up tiring him even more. He was never the type to sit still and be weak, but he had no choice in the situation and Zayn knows it was making him upset.

He doesn’t let anyone help him when he tries to sit up on his own, eventhough his arms always buckle under the pressure of withstanding his weight and he ends up scowling when Zayn or one of the boys try to him.

Zayn thinks back to what Dr Belinda told him when he and Harry met her for coffee the other day.

_“Also Zayn, it’s going to be quite difficult when he starts his physiotherapy. I think someone mentioned that he plays the guitar and he likes sports? Well that’s not going to be happening for a while.” She pauses to take a sip of her coffee. “And if these two things are a huge part of who he is, then it’s going to be difficult for him to accept that he’s not going to be 100% at first.”_

Zayn can understand where she’s coming from because this isn’t the first time Niall had to undergo intense physiotherapy. Niall always had a dodgy knee, a childhood football injury that never healed properly, and he never could afford the treatment to make it better. Once he finally started earning his own money, he used the excuse that he was too busy, because getting surgery for his knee meant that he had to be bedridden for three months.

It was Zayn who forced him to finally go through it, and he took it upon himself to arrange for Niall to have the surgery right around the time the school let out for summer break so that he could be at home to take care of him. The problem with Niall was that he was really stubborn, and he hated being confined to the bed and not being able to do anything. That made him super grumpy, and because he was in a lot of pain, he was always snapping at Zayn and saying hurtful things that he didn’t mean. Zayn tried not to let it get to him, but there were some challenging times when he just wanted to give up. If it wasn’t for the support from Liam and Louis, he doesn’t think their relationship would have survived.

But thinking about it now, Zayn’s prepared for it and knows that he can handle it… because their relationship was worth too much to lose.

~

“Niall babe, come on, you’re gonna hurt yourself.”  Zayn’s stood next to Niall as he tries to get up and walk to the bathroom himself. There’s no way he’s able to, Zayn knows that because Niall’s still complaining that his legs feel heavy and they hadn’t started on his physiotherapy yet.

He was supposed to have his first session later in the afternoon but apparently he thought he’d get a heads start on it himself. The only problem was that he wanted to do it by himself with help from no one, and it was only worrying Zayn more. He didn’t suffer any nerve damage to his limbs, but the months of disuse weakened the muscles and he had to go through intense physiotherapy to get his mobility back. If he hated his physio after his knee surgery, Zayn was sure that he’d absolutely despise it now.

Niall is struggling to even get up from the bed, and Zayn can see how it brings Niall’s sprits down with each attempt.

“Babe…you need to stop. You’re going to tire yourself out before the physiotherapist comes. Save your energy for your session, Niall.” Zayn says as gently as he can, trying not to sound like he’s babying him.

Thankfully he gives up, but he’s silent and stares blankly out of the window until it’s time for his session. When he’s tired or frustrated, his speech gets affected even more, so he doesn’t speak more than necessary. He answers all the questions he’s asked, but Zayn hates it because he does it with such a coldness and it’s so unlike the ball of sunshine that he is normally.

They do a few simple exercises that mostly involve stretching and testing out his current strengths and Zayn tries his best to encourage him and give him the support he needs. By the time the physiotherapist leaves, two hours have passed and Niall’s tired and grumpy because it’s the longest he’s gone without a nap and he snaps at anything Zayn says to him.

“Babe, you want anything to eat?” Niall just grunts in response. “Come on, you haven’t had anything since lunch, you gotta keep your energy up Niall.”

“Can you just shut up and let me sleep ‘cause my whole body’s in fucking pain.” Zayn flinches at the harsh tone in Niall’s voice. He bites his lip, makes sure that he doesn’t show Niall how much it affects him. So he whispers an apology before kissing Niall’s forehead lightly and running his hands through the other lad’s hair hoping that he’ll find it soothing. He stands next to the bed for a minute, wondering whether he’d better give Niall some space instead of hovering over him.

These days Zayn can’t read him and he hates it. Because sometimes Niall doesn’t want Zayn to leave his sight, but then other times he’s in such a bad mood that he barely even looks at him or just snaps at him.

He decides that maybe Niall needs some space after all and slides his fingers out of the near-brunette hair, but then Niall grabs his hand and stops him from moving away, his thumb rubbing the inside of Zayn’s wrist in what he thinks is to serve as an apology.

So with that gesture, Zayn gets a little brave and decides to just climb onto the bed and settle next to Niall, ignoring the various warnings the nurses have given him from doing so and starts raining kisses all over Niall’s face because he can get mad at him all he wants, but he can never refuse one of Zayn’s kisses. Niall’s eyes are closed, but Zayn knows he hasn’t fallen asleep yet. He lightly pecks his cheek, then places another kiss on his forehead, and then the other side of his cheek, and yet another one on his nose. He knows he’s done something right when he leans back to look at Niall’s face and sees the edge of Niall’s lips quirk up to form a little smile.

“You missed a spot.” Niall says as he opens his eyes, and there’s that familiar mischievous twinkle in his eyes and he wiggles his eyebrows a little and Zayn’s confused for a second before he gets it, smiling back at Niall before he leans forward to slot their lips together. 

“I love you, you know.” Niall whispers against his lips and Zayn looks into those blue eyes that he’s still mesmerised by until today.

“I know. I love you too, you know.” Zayn replies and Niall grins slowly, before closing the distance between them to give him another kiss.

~

As the days go by, Niall’s mood gets more unpredictable. There are some days when he’ll be fine, smiling and joking with everyone. But Zayn knows that Niall notices that something isn’t right with his speech. That together with the fact that he’s confined in the room and not being able to walk around puts him in a bad mood most days. Having the other boys around cheer him up a little, but then he shuts down fairly quickly.

“I thought you were dead.”

It’s a few days after Niall has started his physiotherapy sessions and he’d closed his eyes right after coming back to the room so Zayn figured he’d fallen asleep settled in front of him with his sketchbook. So it’s a little surprising when Niall speaks 20 minutes later and snaps his head up from the sketch in front of him. “What?”

Niall opens his eyes and stares up at the ceiling for a bit before answering. “I could hear them sometimes…I could hear Liam’s steady voice…Harry’s rough drawl. I thought it was a dream…and I kept waiting…waiting to hear the one thing I really wanted to hear.”

Zayn’s chest tightens when he realises what Niall’s talking about and the guilt makes him get out of his seat and turn to face the window.

“And I was going to give up Zayn. I know we don’t really know what goes on in people’s heads in these situations but…I just knew something was wrong, and I remember thinking I wanted to be wherever you were.”

Zayn turns on his heel and stares at Niall in shock as he walks back towards him.

“I was going to give up. It wasn’t worth it. But then I heard you. I don’t know what you were saying and I didn’t know if it was even real but I had to find out if it was really you.”

Zayn doesn’t say anything, but Niall finally turns his head to look at him, and lifts his hand to caress Zayn’s cheek. “I don’t care where you were Zayn, but please…please don’t leave me again.”

He doesn’t know how Niall knew, and it guilts him that Niall doesn’t even ask him about it, but for now he just nods his head to reassure Niall that he won’t be going anywhere, turning his head to kiss Niall’s palm as a silent promise instead.

~

Niall’s just come back from his latest physio session and is in a terrible mood as he usually is. He’s tired and Zayn knows that he’s hungry and is happy that he decided to order Niall’s lunch earlier so that it comes at the right time.

“Zayn, what did you order me?” Niall asks as he stares down at the food in front of him.

“It’s corn soup and some garlic bread. You said you wanted some soup before you left didn’t you?”

“Zayn you’re kidding me right?”

Zayn just looks blankly at Niall, confused by the glare that’s on his face.

“What, you just forgot that I hate corn?”

Zayn stands dumbfounded and Harry shifts his feet uncomfortably. He searches his brain but he can’t seem to remember this and doesn’t understand how it slipped his mind.

His silence only seems to anger Niall more as he fixes a hard stare on him while waiting for an answer.

“I’m sorry…I just didn’t think…I saw soup and went ahead and ticked it…”

“You know that I hate touching this stuff and it just happened to slip your mind?”

Harry tries to ease the situation by taking the menu and reading out other options on it but it only worsens when he points out that there’s chicken stew.

“They’ve got stew? Why didn’t you just order me that?”

Zayn has no idea what to say to him, his own mind busy feeling confused as to why he didn’t remember this simple fact. He just stands there in silence as Harry orders the food and Niall refuses to even look at him, and that’s what hurts.

He leaves when the food comes, quietly telling Niall that he’s going out for a cigarette break and gets nothing in response. He smokes more than he usually does, trying to get rid of the fidgeting in his fingers and the worry that’s building up in his chest.

When he comes back up, Niall’s already fallen asleep and Harry looks at him with a sad smile. “You okay?” He asks quietly, and Zayn just nods before grabbing his sketchbook and sitting next to the bed, pointedly ignoring all of Harry’s concerned looks for the rest of the afternoon.

~

The thing is, that’s not the only instance that it happens.

Another time when Liam and Niall are talking about work, Zayn forgets the name of the label that they work for. Niall looks at him baffled, and Liam quickly pulls his attention to something else.

There are some things that don’t happen so openly, that Zayn realises on his own when he makes an effort to figure out what’s happening to him.

He thinks of important dates in his and Niall’s relationship, anniversaries and birthdays, special occasions…keeps thinking about them and repeating them in his head like a chant whenever he can, just to make sure that he doesn’t forget.

~

Dr Belinda’s office is bright from the natural light coming in from the high windows on the wall.

“Hello Zayn, sorry to keep you waiting. Is everything alright?”

He’d thought a lot about it, whether he should come to see her, whether it was anything worth worrying about. But he’d spent enough sleepless nights thinkung about it, and it was starting to bother him more than he wanted to.

“I...I don’t remember everything.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just...I thought I got my memory back, but...I’m still missing out on a few things apparently…”

Dr Belinda’s face softens and she leans back in her chair.

“Zayn...it’s completely normal. There’s...bound to be some part of your brain that you won’t regain. I think...I think you’ve made some good progress so far.”

“It’s just...it won’t make me lose everything again right?”

Zayn’s knowledgeable about a lot of things, and he’s read up on temporary amnesia, but he still needs concrete evidence.

“That’s...highly unlikely. We rarely get instances where patients lose their memory again once they’ve regained it.”

None of them say anything for a while before she decides to break the silence. “I’ve also learnt that...you haven’t told Niall about this.”

Zayn nods, and for some reason he feels ashamed eventhough Dr Belinda’s face shows no judgement.

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“I will tell him...it’s just…” He pauses, “I’m afraid.”

Dr Belinda gets up from her seat and walks around the table to lean against it in front of Zayn. “I don’t know the two of you long, but from what I can see, there’s nothing but love there Zayn. I don’t know what you’re afraid about, but surely it can’t be as bad as you’re imagining it?”

“Just don’t want to lose him you know?” She doesn’t say anything to that, just pats his shoulder comfortingly and gives him a reassuring smile.

He gets anxious when he looks at the time and realises that Niall would have gotten back from his physio session 10 minutes ago. Harry’s not coming in today until later too, which means Niall would be in his room alone.

He quickly says his goodbyes to Dr Belinda and practically runs to the room hoping that Niall isn’t freaking out like the last time.

But when he walks into the room, Niall’s sitting up looking alert, which is surprising because he’s always tired after each session and eager to just chow down his lunch and take a nap. He flashes Zayn a wide grin when he sees him, and it warms his heart to see it.

“Niall, shit I’m so sorry, I went up to see Dr Belinda about something but it got delayed and I thought I’d only be gone for-”

“Zayn...slow down babe. It’s fine.” Niall smiles lazily at him and it’s a relief to see him so relaxed because it’s been so long since Zayn’s seen him like this. Normally he’d be finding any reason to snap at Zayn. As he cautiously walks in closer, he notices that Niall’s got his sketchbook open in his hand.

“Come lie next to me.” he says, and so Zayn toes off his shoes and carefully climbs over the railing to fit himself next to Niall’s body, being wary not to bump into his legs which usually are aching after his physio. As soon as Zayn gets comfortable with his body lined up against Niall’s, his boyfriend quickly slumps his head against his shoulder. “Help me turn the pages babe.”

Zayn smiles down at him as he takes the sketchbook and places it so that it’s balancing on both of their thighs. He wraps an arm around Niall’s shoulders and pulls him in a little bit more while flipping through the pages of the sketchbook. The two of them look through each drawing in silence, with Niall pointing out to the ones that he liked, or asks when Zayn drew a particular one.  

“This one’s my favourite.” Zayn points out the sketch he did of Harry and Niall during one of those times when Harry was putting headphones in Niall’s ears to have him listen to some music from his laptop.  

“Lou says he hasn’t been back to LA since the accident.” Niall says after a beat.

“No…” Zayn shakes his head slowly as he smudges a bit of the charcoal on the sides of the page. “I tried to tell him once, that it was alright, that he could head back for a while.” He stops to let out a quiet chuckle, “Stubborn idiot didn’t want to leave your side.”

Zayn can feel Niall’s lips quirking up in the corner where it’s pressed against his chest.

“Haven’t you seen how pale he’s gotten without all that sun?” Zayn teases and he can feel the low, rumbling boom that spreads through Niall’s chest as laughter erupts from his mouth.

“God, remember last year when he came home for Christmas and he got so sulky when his tan disappeared by the end of his trip?” He says, his shoulders still shaking from the laughter as he thinks back to that memory. Zayn smiles, basking in the beautiful sound coming from the body lying next to him that’s making all his worries disappear.

He looks down and sees tears streaming down Niall’s face, happy tears, as his laughter dies down to silent giggles. He’s still got this goofy grin on his face, his eyes all scrunched up to the point Zayn can barely see the blue but they’re still bright as the sun.

He feels his whole body relax, the heat from Niall warming him from top to bottom. He feels Niall’s breathing slow down and Zayn watches as his eyes grow heavy and droop before finally closing. Zayn feels utterly at peace, and with that last thought he falls asleep himself.

And that’s how Harry finds the two of them a few hours later, their bodies flush against each other and legs intertwined, not leaving much space between them. He smiles fondly at them, before snapping a picture on his phone, then sends it to the other boys with a message to not disturb the lovebirds, chuckling softly as he closes the door behind him.

~

It’s the weekend and all the boys are hanging out in Niall’s room. Liam and Louis came over early in the morning with Harry in tow, after sneaking in a couple of McDonald’s breakfast sets for all of them. Niall doesn’t have any physio that day, so he’s in pretty high spirits and they all just sit around chatting and enjoying the food while talking about random things.

The tv’s on, and it’s on some interior design show, and Niall gets excited when he sees this house that being featured. “Z don’t you think that looks like that house near the college?”

Zayn doesn’t know what Niall’s talking about, and he answers before he gets a chance to fully think about it.  “Nah, can’t remember babe.”

“Zayn…you know which…the one that we saw after Lou’s play last year.” There’s a change in Niall’s tone that Zayn can’t figure out but he doesn’t think too much into it. He gives a genuine confused look and just shrugs, hoping that it’s good enough for Niall. 

But there’s something about the way Niall’s face changes that doesn’t settle well with him. He hopes that he hasn’t forgotten something important, but Niall doesn’t say anything further and he hopes that it’s the last of the conversation.

He looks to Lou who looks at him questioningly and Zayn just shrugs. No one else seemed bothered by it so he just lets it go.

But then later on when it’s just the two of them, Niall brings it back up.

“Do you really not remember that house?” His voice is soft and he looks at Zayn with a sad expression on his face.

Zayn looks at him, and feels the chance then, to tell him to be patient with him because there are some things that might not be complete in his head now, that there’s a couple of holes that he doesn’t understand and maybe Niall could help to fill them in. But he chickens out, and decides that maybe playing dumb would be a better option.

“Sorry babe...don’t know why I can’t remember. Was it important?”

“Nah…it’s okay…”

“It must be…you seem worried about it…”

Niall just gives him a weak smile and tells him he’s going to take a nap, but Zayn knows that he just stares out the window and doesn’t close his eyes at all.

~

It’s been a particular rough day for Niall. Zayn decided to head back to the flat and spend the night there, swapping with Harry for once. Apparently Niall didn’t sleep well, and while he’s happy to see Zayn the next morning, he’s still being a little snappish and gives really short answers.

Harry leaves and says that he won’t be back until the night, and Liam and Louis aren’t around either, having gone back to Liam’s parent’s house for a few days. So it’s just Zayn and Niall for the day, and Zayn isn’t sure why he’s feeling so nervous about it. He’s scared he’s going to slip up, or that Niall will want to know about something and he won’t be able to answer him.

Niall spends most of his morning at the physio ward to work on his walking. He’s making a lot of progress and can almost walk on his own without any help and these days his moods are much better than before.

But since today is one of his off days again, having already woken up grumpy and then going into a 3 hour session of intense therapy. He comes back to the room tired, and doesn’t talk much despite all of Zayn’s attempts at having a conversation with him.

Greg, his physio visits again sometime after lunch, and this time he’s got a guitar in his hand.

“Hey mate, thought this might cheer you up a little.”

Zayn thinks it’s an excellent idea, and knows it definitely is when he sees how Niall’s face just lights up and he cracks the most genuine smile he’s had all day. He doesn’t waste any time in reaching out his hands to take the guitar out of Greg’s hands and places it on his lap, taking some time to admire the woodwork and strings.

He strums a few lines, and then laughs. “This is great mate.”

He plays a random tune, his face beaming with each strum on the strings. After a while he’s just lost in his own world and Zayn leaves him be, choosing instead to grab his sketchbook and draw the sight in front of him. He slips into his own world after that, concentrating on the lines and shading and getting every feature perfect on paper. But after a while the smooth melodies abruptly stop, and instead it sounds like Niall’s struggling to play the guitar.

He looks up and Niall’s brows are wrinkled in frustration. He’s trying to play but he’s struggling with holding down the strings on one hand. The tune ends up coming out completely wrong and Zayn can see how he gets more frustrated, and then he just throws the guitar off his lap and to the side of the bed.

He immediately closes down after that no matter how many times Zayn tries to coax him, preferring to just look the other way, and Zayn feels as helpless as ever.

~

Niall still hasn’t spoken since the guitar incident in the afternoon, instead just closing his eyes and listening to Harry’s iPod that’s filled with a bunch of new music he’s found lately. It’s too much and before he overthinks it Zayn gets on the bed and lies down next to Niall.

“Talk to me.” He says after removing one of the earbuds and the music is so loud from where it’s blasting against Niall’s skin.

“I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me Niall. We’ve been through this before. I know you can get through this.” Niall still doesn’t say anything, letting out a loud sigh instead and turning so that his back faces Zayn.

“Niall…please don’t shut me out…I can’t…” Zayn chokes out and struggles to finish as he just rests his forehead against the back of Niall’s neck.

A few minutes later, Niall takes one of Zayn’s hands and brings it to his lips, kissing it before holding it just above his heart. Zayn can feel Niall’s heart beating and it calms him down, and he doesn’t even realise that he’s been crying.

“I’m scared Z.” Niall says in a whisper.

“Of what?”

“It’s just…I’ve always had music. My knee’s always been fucked up but I’ve always been able to play my guitar. And now…” Zayn feels Niall let out a jagged breath against his hand. “I can’t fucking play a straight tune without my fingers shaking.”

Zayn’s about to reply when Niall continues again. “I was speaking to this other patient down at the rehab centre this morning and…he’s been here for 6 months and they’re not sure if his hands will function normally again. What if I…I don’t know what I’d do if-“

“Remember that charity football game you wanted to join so badly a few months after your surgery?” Zayn quickly interrupts because he wants to get this point across. “And the doctors said they weren’t sure you’d be healed in time? Remember how hard you worked with your physiotherapist to make sure you’d be ready? You hated every minute of it but you were determined.  And didn’t you end up scoring the winning goal in that match?”

Niall stays quiet and everything that Zayn says falls on deaf ears.

He tries to move his hand away but Niall grabs onto it before he can. Zayn chuckles softly and rubs his nose against the tufts of hair at the base of Niall’s neck. “I can feel how tightly you’re gripping onto my hand Niall, and I know you love that guitar just as much as you love me. I’m pretty sure that if you wanted to, you could smash every one of your physio session and you’ll be back to ignoring me in favour of your guitar soon.” Niall snorts when he hears that.

“You can do it babe. And I’ll be right here pushing you along the way.” Zayn whispers quietly and he wishes he was saying it to Niall’s face instead of his neck.

Niall pokes Zayn in the ribs with his elbow and Zayn can already feel the tension leave his body, knows they’re back on steady ground.

“You’re wrong you know.” Niall finally says.

“About what?”

Niall turns around so that he’s facing Zayn. He trails his finger along the stubble that’s covering Zayn’s jaw before leaning in to kiss the corner of his mouth.

“I’ll never love anything as much as I love you.”

Zayn grins wide as he closes the distance between them and kisses Niall properly, tangles his fingers through his hair and lets out a happy sigh against Niall’s mouth.

“Haven’t left it this brunette in so long.” Niall whispers against Zayn’s lips when they finally separate a few minutes later.

“I like it.”

Niall snuggles a little closer to Zayn until the tips of their noses are touching before he sighs happily and his eyes flutter to a close.

“Mm…anything for you babe.” He mumbles before falling asleep in Zayn’s arms.

~

It gets better after that. Niall works harder during his sessions and Zayn’s constantly there to support him and remind him that he can do it.

His mood brightens up a lot too and he doesn’t snap at Zayn as much. Before long he’s already charmed the nurses enough to sneak him packets of crisps and an extra piece of cake with his lunch everyday, only giving Zayn an innocent expression when he questions where all the extra food was coming from.

About a month and a bit later, Niall’s given the green light to get discharged from the hospital. He’s been progressing well in his physiotherapy and has regained enough mobility in his legs that he can get by with crutches. He’s been begging Dr Belinda to let him go home, and Zayn agrees that it’s not good for Niall to be cooped up in the hospital.

There’s a big commotion on the day Niall leaves the hospital, what with some of the nurses shedding tears after getting attached to the boys because of all the time they’ve spent there and Zayn can’t help but feel a wave of affection for each and every one of them.

Harry drives Zayn and Niall back while Liam and Louis follow in their car behind. Zayn’s seated at the back with Niall, who’s so excited to finally seeing more than the four walls of his hospital room. But Zayn notices how his hands still fidget as they rest on top of his knee, so he covers them with his and gives them a little reassuring squeeze. Niall turns his head away from the window to give Zayn a grateful smile before he leans in close to kiss the corner of his mouth.

“Can you two wait until we reach home at least?” Harry teases.

Niall changes to mouth at Zayn’s neck and playfully bites at the skin just to rile Harry up but Zayn’s too busy clutching his stomach from laughing so hard and before they know it, Harry’s pulled up outside their building.

“Welcome home mate.” Harry says with a wide grin as they enter the flat. Niall slowly walks in on his crutches with Zayn’s hand on his back to support him. He lets him go for a little while to put some bags down and Niall walks away to look around the flat. Zayn just stays close in case he needs help then watches as Niall hobbles through the living room and goes straight to his guitar that’s been lying abandoned against the wall for the past few months.

“Hello there baby…” Niall says as he picks it up.

“Wow…hasn’t even been home 5 minutes yet and he’s already ignoring you Zayn?” Louis says as he and Liam walk in.

They all laugh as Niall shrugs his shoulders sheepishly and Zayn shakes his head and rolls his eyes fondly.

They all sit in the living room while eating Nando’s for lunch and again it’s like nothing’s changed. Harry’s sitting on the floor in front of the coffee table while Liam and Louis are sharing the loveseat that somehow found its way into the flat over the last couple of weeks. Niall is leaning against Zayn as he props his legs up on the sofa and the two of them share their lunch from the same plate, though Niall ends up taking more than his share.

They’re all laughing about something before Zayn notices that Louis’s hastily wiping tears away from his face.

“What’s wrong Lou?”

He looks up and his eyes still look a little glassy but there’s a wide grin spread across his face. “It’s nothing…just…it’s good…it’s been so long that we’ve all just chilled out like this that’s all.”

Liam squeezes his shoulders while Harry grins mischievously before launching himself at Louis, peppering kisses all over his face while teasing him. “You’re such a sap Lou!”

Niall and Zayn look on while laughing at their idiot friends and Zayn takes a moment to be grateful that they’ve made it through one of the most difficult times in their lives, and he couldn’t have done it without any one of them.

Later after Liam and Lou have settled down in the guest bedroom and Harry’s taken up the sofa, Niall and Zayn lie in bed tangled up in each other. They’re both tired, but they’re relishing in the fact that they’ve got so much space to cuddle on instead of the narrow bed in the hospital.

“This bed will go back to smelling like you…” Zayn murmurs quietly.

 “I’m so happy.” Niall whispers back before kissing his temple.

“Me too. Lou’s right, it’s nice that we’re all together again.” Niall hums while his fingers card through Zayn’s hair. “I’m really happy you’re back.” Zayn props himself up on one elbow and gazes down at Niall, getting lost in those blue eyes, unable to look away. He slowly leans down to cover Niall’s mouth with his own, feeling him press back eagerly. His lips are warm and soft…and Zayn can taste the banana that Niall had after dinner. He kisses him slowly but passionately, hoping that Niall can somehow understand that Zayn’s happy he’s back not just in the sense of coming home from the hospital, but that’s he’s come back to Zayn.

~

The next morning Zayn is woken up by the press of lips against his neck.

“Baby…”

There’s a warm feeling that starts from the pit of his stomach and it feels so good and it’s something that Zayn hasn’t felt it in so long.

“Niall…” Zayn warns…though he can’t help the moan that escapes his mouth when Niall nibbles on a sensitive part of his ear.

“Hmm?”

“We can’t babe…”

“I’m not a cripple Zayn.”

Zayn finally turns his head and meets Niall’s mouth in a kiss and feels his tongue running along his bottom lip. He pulls him closer by the neck and Niall’s hand travel down his torso to palm him through his boxers. Zayn lets out another embarrassing moan, breaking their kiss while Niall moves to attack his neck, sucking and biting on the skin there. Zayn’s just about to do the same for Niall and moves his hand down when-

“GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD MORNING!!!!!” Harry bursts into their bedroom looking way too chipper.

“Fuck you Haz!!” Niall shouts before hiding his face in Zayn’s neck, who quickly covers the two of them with their duvet.

“Oh were we interrupting something?” Louis asks as he casually strolls in behind Harry and Zayn can’t see his face but he knows that the asshole has a stupid smirk on his face.

“What happened to letting us have some personal space?”

“I think you should know by now that there’s no such thing as personal space between us.” Harry supplies while Louis murmurs in agreement.

“LIAM!!!!” Niall shouts from under the covers.

“I tried to stop them!” Zayn throws the duvet over to find Liam leaning against the doorframe looking sheepish while Harry and Louis have taken to jumping on the bed like a bunch of idiots.

“This is revenge for that time when we went to Haz’s stepdad’s cabin and had to endure hearing Zayn moaning throughout the night.”

“Don’t forget Niall’s turn in the morning.” Harry chips in.

“Why are we friends with them?” Niall mumbles in Zayn’s neck and it really is annoying considering he was probably about to get laid for the first time in months, but Zayn just bursts out laughing instead, wrapping his arms around Niall and kissing his forehead.

It’s a perfect moment, having everyone he loves together in one room, and he wouldn’t trade it for anything.

~

The next few days are heaven sent, and Zayn doesn’t know what the flat ever felt like without Niall in it. Liam, Louis and Harry continue to stay over, which also means they use any opportunity they can to gatecrash Zayn and Niall’s personal time.

Which means that the two of them resort to constantly making out in front of them, and once Niall even went so far as to putting his hand down Zayn’s pants thinking that’d scare them away but it only resulted in Louis jumping on them which was more awkward than anything.

So they settle for sleepy kisses in the night until the two of them can barely stay awake, and in the mornings Zayn finds himself on his knees in the shower before Harry comes banging on the door asking them to hurry up before they’re late for Niall’s physio session at the hospital.

They still head to the hospital every day for these sessions, and Niall’s gets more excited than mad when he’s finishes up every day because he can finally see the progress. He still hasn’t tried to play the guitar again, at least not in front of Zayn, and Zayn doesn’t ask about it in the fear that Niall would get upset and shut off again.

Afternoons are spent tangled up in each other while watching a movie or taking a nap together. Times like this mean they get a chance to be alone, because Liam and Louis are at work while Harry’s out as well, only returning back in the evening with take out or groceries to make them dinner.

Slowly, life begins to return back to normal.

~

The problem with Zayn keeping a secret from Niall, is that he probably should have safeguarded it better.

He comes back from the store one night a few days after Niall’s been back home with a bag of take out in his hand. He’s pretty excited because it’s from Niall’s favourite Italian restaurant in the city, and Zayn snuck out earlier with the promise of bringing back a surprise for him.

He walks into the flat and it’s unusually quiet. Usually Niall’s always got the tv on, or there’d be music blasting through the speakers loud enough to be heard from outside the flat. But there’s no sign of any of that, so he figures that Niall’s taking a quick nap before dinner.

He pads quietly through the flat, putting down the bag of food in the kitchen before going to find Niall in their bedroom. He’s lying on the bed, but Zayn is surprised to see that he’s awake, eyes wide open and staring up at the ceiling.

He smiles as he goes over to join him, reaching over and biting Niall’s earlobe playfully before leaning back, both of them lying side by side.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Niall doesn’t respond, and for a minute Zayn turns to look to see if maybe he’s fallen asleep but no, he’s still staring out blankly.

“Babe?” Zayn props himself on his elbow now, reaching over to let his fingers trail through Niall’s hair, now newly dyed with blonde highlights after Harry came home one day with a store-bought box.

“Just got off the phone with Doniya. Spoke a little bit with Mira.”

Zayn’s heart beats a little bit quicker, and from the way that Niall’s voice is cold and distant, he knows where this conversation is going.

“She said something really weird. She said she was happy I didn’t forget you the way you forgot me when you first woke up.”

Zayn feels like time slows down around him. But the thing that’s scaring him the most is that he can’t read Niall’s face at all, doesn’t know what he’s thinking or how he’s feeling.

“What did she mean by that Zayn?”

Then for the first time since he entered the room, Niall turns to look at him and Zayn knows that the answer’s written clearly on his face.

“Zayn…”

Zayn sighs as he falls back on the bed and now it’s his turn to stare at the ceiling while he tries to think of a way to explain to Niall.

“When I woke up…I couldn’t remember anything. I…I thought I was still 23.”

Niall keeps his gaze on Zayn’s face and he can tell without looking how shocked he is.

“I had no memory of the last 4 years.” Zayn spits out.

“You didn’t remember anything? Your job, the flat…me?”

Zayn shakes his head, hoping Niall can’t see the shame on his face.

“But then…it slowly came back to me Niall. Not at once…but little by little I’d get glimpses of you and I knew you were someone important to me.”

Niall keeps quiet and Zayn is too scared to say another word or even look at him.

“Do you remember everything now?”

“Niall…of course…I remembered everything the night before you woke up.”

“What?” Zayn hates that he hears a hint of hurt in Niall’s voice. “You…why did you keep this from me?”

“I was afraid Niall…I didn’t want you to worry about it…and look, it’s fine, I can remember everything now.” Zayn finally sits up and looks at Niall, pleading with him but then all he does is look away and Zayn feels his heart break. Niall just mumbles something about feeling tired and turns his back to Zayn, closes his eyes and ignores Zayn’s attempts to speak to him again.

For the first time since Niall came home from the hospital, the two of them sleep on opposite sides of the bed. Zayn doesn’t sleep a wink, waiting for Niall to roll over and wrap his arms around him. But morning comes and he’s still in the same spot, doesn’t even move when Zayn gets out of bed, or when he comes out of the shower, doesn’t even respond when he calls him for breakfast.

Harry knows something’s wrong the minute Zayn walks into the kitchen, his eyes red-rimmed and swollen, and he looks worse for wear.

“Zayn?”

He opens his mouth to say something but Zayn just ends up letting out a choked sob as he falls into Harry’s arms, crying into his shirt as Harry tries to hold him up.

“He knows Haz.” He says quietly. “I don’t know what to do.” He sounds withdrawn, lost…broken.

Harry doesn’t say anything, just keeps holding onto Zayn, and it’s a long time before he lets go.

~

“So what did you do then?”

Zayn asked Harry to leave him and Niall alone in the flat for the night to figure things out and in the meantime he’d been trying to keep himself distracted by washing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen, so he doesn’t realise when Niall finally comes out of the bedroom and ends up startling him.

“What’re you talking about?”

“After you woke up. Did you just go back to your old life?”

Zayn sighs as he turns the water off and turns to look at Niall, familiar with the blank stare that’s already awaiting him.

“I stayed in Harry’s place, went home for a bit. Then I came back here.”

Niall walks in and take a seat at their small kitchen table, the one they bought together after Zayn moved in and complained that he wasn’t going to have all his meals in front of the tv while sitting on the sofa. _See, I remember that, doesn’t that matter?_ Zayn wants to say to Niall, but he bites his lip instead.

Niall looks worn out and tired like he hasn’t had much sleep, and Zayn wonders whether he looks just as bad. He sits at the table and cradles his head in his hands, trying to rub the tiredness from his face. And again, all Zayn wants to do is reach out and touch him, take care of him, but he doesn’t know what Niall’s feeling right now and he doesn’t want to push away any more than he already has.

 “I…I was so confused Niall. You know better than anyone how my life was when I first met you. I woke up and I couldn’t understand how I went from hating my life to having an amazing job and boyfriend 5 years later. I just…I struggled with it a bit.” He decides to tries to explain, but Niall still keeps quiet, blankly looking at his fingers in front of him.

“And it just took me a while to figure it all out. But I told you, it all started coming back to me. You said hearing my voice brought you back to consciousness? Well for me it was you, you were the one who brought my memories back. And the more I remembered the more I knew how much I love you.”

Niall still doesn’t say anything, and Zayn gets frustrated by looking at the blank expression on his face, not even affected by the fact that Zayn was standing in front of him, feeling vulnerable and pouring his heart out.

 “What do you want from me Niall? Do you want me to apologise for losing my memory?”

It’s a cheap shot, Zayn knows it, and he almost regrets it as soon as it comes out of his mouth but he’s shaking and he’s desperate and he’s so tired of trying to prove himself. He loves Niall, he just doesn’t understand why Niall is doubting it.

“I’m just wondering if you…if you really remember or you’re just staying with me cause it’s a better deal.”

  1. It’s like a punch to his gut and all the wind gets knocked out of him. Zayn can’t believe the words that he’s just heard from Niall.



“I can’t believe you’d think that Niall.”

His voice comes out strong, but he knows Niall can hear the clear hurt in his tone. For a minute he looks like he’s sorry and his features soften but he just shakes his head and walks out of the kitchen. A few minutes later Zayn hears the bedroom door slam before he turns and slams his fist on the counter in anger. ~~~~

Zayn leaves the flat to have a smoke because he can’t deal with the tension in the air. He stands just outside their building and lights a cigarette before he starts to walk away, hoping that the dark of the night will hide the tears that are threatening to slip out of his eyes to ease the pain left by Niall’s words. He walks in a random direction, not really paying attention to everything that passes by, puffing cigarette after cigarette. The smoke helps to clear his mind, but he’s still at a loss on what to do and how to make things right because he can’t understand what’s going on between Niall and him. He knows that it’s his fault for not telling him about it earlier, but he didn’t think it would affect them in this way, to the point that Niall _doubts_ Zayn’s love for him.

He stops in his tracks as a horrible thought comes to him. What if Niall leaves him? What if he was so betrayed by Zayn’s secret that he didn’t want to be with him again? The thought leaves a cold trail in his blood and Zayn turns in his heel and walks back to the building as quickly as he can, afraid that Niall’s suddenly decided to pack up and leave him.

He walks into the flat breathless, having jogged the last two blocks after his anxiety set in. He stands at the doorway, looking around the flat and everything looks the same, though Zayn can’t help but wonder how things feel so different. He’s almost about to run through the flat, calling out Niall’s name to make sure he hadn’t left, but he holds on to the hope that he’s just overreacting about the whole situation.

He doesn’t hear it at first, but as he slowly makes his way to the bedroom, he hears the familiar sounds of a guitar being played softly. He enters and finds Niall sitting on the edge of the bed with his guitar in hands as he sings softly, the words barely coherent as it passes through his lips, but Zayn’s heart beats out of his chest because he’d know the song anywhere.

_“Fill my heart with song_

_Let me sing forever more_

_You are all I long for_

_All I worship and adore_

_In other words, please be true…in other words…I love you…”_

Niall finishes the song with a sigh, and Zayn’s heart breaks all over again, feeling like what little hope he has left is hanging by a thread. He walks in slowly, afraid that Niall might snap or leave at the sight of him, but instead he remains as he is, staring down at his guitar.

“That was the first memory I remembered; the first time you played me that song.” Niall doesn’t turn at Zayn’s voice, instead standing up to place the guitar against the wall before walking to the window, and Zayn’s suddenly grateful for the distance between them. “I was in my parent’s house, few weeks after I got discharged from the hospital and I asked Amira if she could play me that song, but…she said she wasn’t allowed to.” Zayn lets out a soft laugh, looking down at his fingers as they play with the hem of his shirt.

“Then she started singing it instead and...it was like...” Zayn pauses to gather his thoughts and takes a deep breath before he continues. “I could remember the way you looked at me that night. I couldn’t understand how this boy I barely knew could make me feel like I was the only one in the room, and it’s stupid but I can still feel the butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. I thought it was absurd, but after that the only thing in my mind was finding out who was this boy that’s made me feel this way.”

Niall still has his back towards Zayn, but he can see the way his shoulders tense up at his words. “It came back slowly and...it was like I knew how I felt about you even before I remembered you.”

Zayn walks to the bed and sits on the edge, still looking down at his hands. “To be honest, I can’t even remember much of these past 4 months. It was just…a blur of chasing memory after memory to get you back.”

He lets out a sigh, running his hand through his hair before continuing. “You need me to tell you what I remember about you? How much I love you? I know that I love it when you wear your snapbacks and have that whole fratboy look going on and I know that it annoys me when I try to kiss you but the bill gets in the way. I love how …your nose scrunches up when you wake up too early in the morning and the only thing that gets you out of the bed is when you hear me in the shower…and I love how I can feel your skin pressed against me before I see you. And I know you hate horror films but you’ll never admit it to anyone and that I’ve got to be the one to sit next to you so that you can hide your face in my neck.”

Niall’s walking towards Zayn but he can’t bring himself to look at him, not yet, afraid that if he does he won’t have the guts to continue.

“I didn’t intentionally keep it from you Niall. I just...I lost you for a little while. Those four months I was confused and I had no idea who I was or who you were to me…but I knew I felt something for you and I didn’t know what to do. And then finally things were coming back to me and then I got scared, because I was starting to remember about us but…I was so scared that you weren’t going to wake up and I was going to lose you all over again.”

Zayn pauses as his voice breaks and it’s not supposed to feel this way, it’s not supposed to feel like he’s fighting to keep this relationship alive. He finally looks up to meet Niall’s eyes, who looks like he’s fighting back tears himself. 

“But then you did wake up and I had you with me again and I just…nothing else mattered.” Niall kneels down and takes Zayn’s face in both his hands.

“I’m sorry.” Niall whispers quietly and all Zayn sees are his blue eyes that look dull from the tears that are running down his face.

Zayn twists his hands in Niall’s shirt to bring him closer until their foreheads are touching because he can’t stand any distance between the two of them anymore. “Niall, I can’t lose you again.”

“You won’t baby.” He shakes his head, kissing Zayn’s forehead, then his cheeks, his eyes, and finally his lips.

They spend the night tangled up in each other while Niall whispers apologies into his ear and thumbs away the tears that still run down Zayn’s face. And by the time he falls asleep, Zayn dares to hope that everything can now get back to normal.

~

Louis and Zayn are outside on the balcony smoking while Liam is talking to Niall about a latest project over the dining table. Niall hasn’t gone back to the studio yet, but Liam’s been easing him back to work slowly by coming over and talking to him about some of the things he missed out on. It’s been good, it’s keeping him busy and Zayn loves seeing the excitement on his face whenever he’s talking with Liam about it.

 “So he knows?”

Zayn just nods as he blows out a puff of smoke, tapping the cigarette with his finger to let the ash drop to the ground.

“How’d he take it?”

He lets out a sigh as he runs his fingers through his hair. “We got into a huge fight. But…we’re okay now…I think.”

Louis gives him a sad smile and wraps his hand around his shoulder, kissing the top of his head and it comforts him a little.

When they go back in, Zayn walks straight to the bedroom and he isn’t sure why but he feels a little unsettled. He just stands there in front of the chest of drawers trying to stop himself from breaking down in tears when he hears Niall enter the room and wrapping up his arms around him.

“You okay?”

“Just thought I’d call my mum. Haven’t spoken to her for a while.” He wasn’t really, just wanted some space but he didn’t think Niall would follow him to the bedroom.

Zayn steps out of Niall’s arms and tries to flash him a quick smile that he hopes will fool Niall, and the other boy does look at him strangely before shaking his head. 

“C’mere...” Niall pulls Zayn closer to him and cups his hands over Zayn’s, “You’re so cold.” He says before bringing both their hands to his mouth and blowing into them for warmth. He looks back up at Zayn, his bright eyes sparkling and with a goofy grin on his face.

He leans forward and Zayn thinks Niall’s going to kiss him, but instead he just rubs the tip of his nose against Zayn’s, scrunching up his face and letting out a giggle. 

Zayn finally cracks a genuine smile and lets Niall pull him back outside.

~

It’s in the middle of the night when the phone starts ringing, waking Zayn up from his sleep. He turns to the clock next to him and reads that it’s 2.35am. Niall’s lying next to him and barely wakes up to the ringing noise. Zayn grabs his phone, and sees that it’s his mum calling. He quickly sits up in bed and tries to stop his mind from going to the worst case scenario.

“Mum?”

“Zayn love.”

“Mum, is everything okay?”

“Zayn…baba…”

“What mum?”

His mum starts crying and it’s starting to scare him but he tries his best to keep calm. “Mum, calm down, you’re scaring me. What’s happened to Baba?”

Zayn feels Niall stirring beside him. “Baba…he’s had a heart attack. We’re at the hospital now. I don’t know…the doctors-“

His mum gets interrupted by someone and stops talking to him and he’s sat shocked, unable to process what she’s saying on the other end of the line. Niall’s fully awake next to him and shaking his shoulder but he can’t move, he’s just thinking about his father in the hospital and it’s feeling a little bit too much like déjà vu.

Niall takes the phone from Zayn’s hands, and he’s a little relieved when he feels his hand go empty.

“Trish? What’s happened?”

Zayn can feel Niall’s hand grip his shoulders a little bit tighter and he looks up to find his boyfriend looking at him in concern.

Everything else becomes white noise as Zayn just focuses on Niall. He doesn’t know what happens in the next few minutes. All he knows is that Niall finishes the conversation within minutes and then he’s getting up from the bed. Zayn watches as he takes a bag out of the closet and starts putting their clothes in, walking through their room and grabbing random items. After he’s packed, he comes and sits next to Zayn, bringing his hand to cup his cheek.

His thumb gently rubs against Zayn’s cheekbone, and he can’t help but feel a wave of affection wash over him because he’s missed these intimate touches from Niall.

“Babe, he’s gonna be fine okay? We’ll drive down to Bradford right now.” Zayn just nods at him slowly as he gets his body moving and out of the bed. He walks down the stairs and into the car in a daze, trying not to think about his father and how he’s mum’s doing.

Zayn just stares out of the window the whole 4 hour drive there. About an hour in, he feels Niall’s hand reaching out for his, and he turns his hand so that he can lace their fingers together. It’s a welcoming feeling, especially since things between them have been so strained lately. But when he turns to look at Niall, Zayn feels a bout of strength and realises that he’s got to be strong for his mum, and more importantly for his Baba, and he quickly snaps out of his daze.

By the time they reach the hospital the sun is close to rising. They’re waiting for the lift and when it arrives, Niall walks in first but Zayn can’t bring himself to move his feet.

“Zayn?”

Zayn feels like the ground beneath him is disappearing and he starts freaking out as he has a mini panic attack.

“Sorry I just…I just need a second.”

Niall steps out of the lift and pulls Zayn towards him, resting their foreheads against each other. Zayn takes comfort in Niall’s smell that so familiar to him while Niall rubs his back gently with Zayn holding onto his waist for support.

Finally, Zayn feels himself calm down and he’s gained back his composure. He looks up, and Niall thumbs the tear tracks off his cheeks before giving him a smile. “You okay now?”

Zayn just nods at him, before he takes Niall’s hand and they get into the lift together.

Zayn puts on a brave front from then on. From the minute he sees his mum sitting in the waiting chair, looking frail and smaller than her usual build, he rushes to her side without a second thought.

“Mum…”

He holds her close, letting her sob into his shirt while he tries to calm her down. When he turns behind to see where Niall is, he sees him in a similar position, but holding onto Doniya instead.

“What happened mum?”

“He was fine, we just finished dinner and he went into the den to watch a bit of telly and I…I was in the kitchen.” She stops for a while as she calms herself down. “And I called out to ask if he wanted a bit of tea, but he didn’t say anything…so I went in and he…he was just lying there on the floor.” She starts crying again and Zayn has to do everything in his power to try not to imagine the scene his mum must have walked into and instead focuses on trying to help her.

“Mum, he’s going to be fine.” Doniya’s standing next to him now and he lets go of his mum to stand up and give her a hug. She’s always been the stronger one of the two of them, and he can see the way her face is set in a stoic look, always the trooper.

“Zayn, I met the doctor just now. It was a mild stroke…he’s just gotten out of surgery, I think they managed to control the bleeding in his brain. He’s in the ICU now…they think it’ll be a few hours before he wakes up.”

Zayn just nods silently at his sister, taking all that information in and he feels like he’s going to have a breakdown again, because this is his father, his _baba_ , who was always the role model in his life, and he can’t imagine him laying lifeless inside a cold metal room with people opening him up.

He’s thankful when he feels the firm grip on his neck, almost commanding him to turn around, and when he does he just falls into Niall’s arms as the other boy holds him tight. He doesn’t cry, but it’s all he needs to make sure his mind doesn’t think to the worst case scenario.

They’re not allowed in the ICU, and so they all sit in the waiting room. None of them go home, or even attempt to suggest it, especially his mum who’s getting up every now and then to ask the nurse whether his father’s shown any signs of waking up.

Doniya’s curled around herself in one of the small sofas in the room. Her eyes are closed but he’s sure she isn’t sleeping, the way she keeps letting out a loud sigh every few minutes. Zayn’s sitting next to his mum while he lets her lean on him and Niall’s gotten up a few times to get them coffee and snacks from the vending machine down the hall, thrusting the hot drink in Zayn’s hand and practically forcing him to drink it.

It’s an agonizing few hours wait, and then finally the nurse comes out and tell them that his father’s awake. He’s conscious and aware of his surroundings, and the doctors tell them that there aren’t any lasting effects of the stroke and that his father is expected to have a full recovery.

~

They’ve been in Bradford for a few days now and Zayn’s father is showing a steady improvement and could get out of the hospital as early as next week. They decided that it would probably be best that Zayn stay behind for a couple of weeks to lend his mum a hand when his dad gets home. He was a little reluctant at first, because he didn’t like the idea of being away from Niall, but he couldn’t ask him to stay with him either because Niall was already planning to head back to work the next week and he’d been so excited about it that Zayn doesn’t want to delay his plans.

 “You’ll be okay right?” Zayn asks the evening that Niall leaves to head back to London.

Niall just smiles at him. “Of course. I’ll visit every weekend.”

Zayn can’t shake the unsettling feeling in his stomach. Of all the times, Harry decided to head to LA for a few weeks while Liam and Louis were on holiday in Spain, which would mean that Niall was going to be alone.

He was so lost in his thoughts and he didn’t realise he was frowning until he heard Niall let out a sigh and was wrapping his arms around Zayn.

“Don’t miss any of your physio sessions. Just because you’re not using your crutches anymore doesn’t mean you’re 100%.” He tries to say it in a stern voice but it gets lost against where his mouth is pressed against Niall’s neck.

“I’ll be fine Doctor Malik.” Niall says as he kisses Zayn’s cheek. He pulls away and walks around the car to get in before Zayn calls out to him again. He turns to look at him expectantly and Zayn walks towards him and pulls him in for another kiss, this time it’s more passionate, and it’s like Zayn’s trying to convey everything he can’t say into this kiss.

“I love you.”

Niall smiles before stealing another kiss. “I love you too.”

This time Zayn lets him get into the car and stands by the curb and watches as he drives away. He’s anxious for the next couple of hours, his phone next to him at all times while he waits to hear from Niall.

When he finally gets a text from him, a wave of relief washes over him and he feels a knot in his stomach unwind as he reads over it.

_Back home safe. I miss you already. See you this weekend x_

He doesn’t sleep well that night, not without Niall by his side.

~

The first week is difficult for Zayn, especially watching his father being so dependent on him and his mother when he’s used to seeing him so strong. That plus being away from Niall is a lot for him to cope with.

But then the weekend comes quick enough and Zayn practically skips outside the house when Niall drives up. Niall’s particularly talkative, filling in everyone about his week back on the job and eventhough they’ve been talking every day and Zayn’s already heard these stories, it’s something else actually seeing the way Niall’s face light up when he talks about it.

They fall asleep that night after sleepy kisses tangled up in each other and Niall’s whispered assurances that Zayn’s dad is going to be fine and is so lucky to have Zayn with him and he wakes up the next morning feeling well-rested for the first time that whole week. They’re busy with the family that day and time passes so quickly that Niall has to leave again and Zayn’s heart is back to aching from the hole he’s left.

Over time, Zayn starts getting busy at home. In between taking care of his dad and helping around the house, he’s got just enough time to check up on Niall and do a bit of sketching. Some days he even heads out to Danny’s shop and sits in, talks to customers and gives his input on tattoo designs.

Two weeks in, Niall texts to say that he won’t be making it down that weekend. Zayn doesn’t think much of it, figures that work’s a little busy especially since Liam isn’t around and Niall’s been helping to cover some of his projects. He just sends him a text back asking him not to overwork himself, pushing down the disappointment in his chest.

But then over the next few days, Zayn doesn’t hear from Niall as much as he did that first week. He still sends quick texts but all of Zayn’s calls go unanswered. Niall always says he’s busy or too tired, and Zayn doesn’t push him but the unsettling feeling in his stomach returns and grows bigger each day.

It gets to a point that even his mum notices and asks him what’s wrong, but he can’t tell her anything, so he just forces a smile on his face and tells her that Niall’s just really busy.

But when Zayn goes another three weeks without seeing him and only getting a call from him every couple of days, he decides to take matters into his own hands. It’s on impulse that he decides to drive down to London one Friday evening. His father is doing much better now, and his mum practically pushes him out the house when he told her his plans.

He doesn’t tell Niall that he’s coming, figuring that he’d be home when he arrived and he’ll just surprise him. But when he finally arrives and steps into the flat, it’s quiet and Niall isn’t around. He figures he’s still at the studio, but it was already close to 11pm and he was starting to have doubts. He shoots Niall a quick text to ask him where he is, and when he reads the reply he gets a few minutes later, his heart drops.

_Just chillin’ at home. About to go to sleep. Night x_

Zayn drops to his knees and tries not to crumble.

~

He’s been sitting on the floor with his back against the sofa for an hour before he hears the sound of the key turning in the lock on the door. He tried to give Niall the benefit of the doubt, that maybe he’d stayed late in the studio to finish up some work, but then over the course of the hour of stewing in his own suspicions and insecurities, the only thing he feels when he sees Niall walk in the door isn’t relief, but anger and frustration.

Niall doesn’t see him at first, dropping an overnight bag onto the floor and toeing off his Supras before finally turning to the living room and his eyes fall on Zayn’s.

“Zayn? What are you-”

Zayn gets up from the floor and the words are out of his mouth before he can think. “Where were you?”

Niall doesn’t answer, instead walking up to him and cradling Zayn’s head in his hands.

“Zayn, what’s wrong? Did something happen?”

Zayn shakes his head and pushes Niall’s hands away, taking two steps behind and crossing his arms, trying not to let his emotions show.

“You said you were at home. But I was already here and you weren’t.”

Niall opens his mouth but snaps it shut abruptly. After a few seconds, he just lets out a sigh and sits on the sofa, rubbing his face tiredly.

“I thought we were okay. I thought we were past all the mess from the accident but…I don’t know what’s happening to us.”

“Nothing’s wrong with us Zayn.” Niall says but Zayn doesn’t hear him.

“You lied to me Niall!” Zayn spits out at him.

“You lied to me too!”

“It keeps coming back to that doesn’t it?” Zayn says and he’s shaking with anger. “What else do you want from me Niall?” Zayn stalks up to him until they’re inches apart and he practically rips off his shirt, revealing the patch of skin that’s started to heal and only looking a little red than it first did a few days ago.

“What else am I supposed to do to prove how much I love you?” He says quietly, but his words still echo around the silence of the flat.

Niall eyes just focus in on Zayn’s chest, and he barely blinks as he takes in the sight in front of him.

_NJH_

Tattooed right under his heart.

Zayn turns and walks into the spare bedroom, slamming the door behind him, not bothering to look at Niall.

~

Niall doesn’t come in at all throughout the night. Zayn doesn’t wait for him, but then the sun comes up and he’s barely slept a wink, and he can’t help feeling disappointed. Maybe Niall really doesn’t care for him anymore, he thinks sadly to himself, and it breaks his heart to think that they’ve reached the end of their relationship after everything they’ve been through.

He hears front door close early in the morning, and he doesn’t move until much later. He walks out of the room to find the flat empty and Niall nowhere in sight. He goes into the kitchen to get a glass of water and finds a note left on the table in Niall’s handwriting.

_Come here when you feel up for it._

And there’s an address written below it. Zayn stares at the piece of paper in his hands for a long time before he moves. He takes a quick shower before calling for a taxi, anxious to know what this is all about.

The taxi pulls up outside a beautiful Victorian brick cottage and Zayn knows that they’ve come out far enough out of the city to be somewhere between London and the college he works at. The house looks old but well-kept and Zayn loves the way there are creepers covering most of the façade. He’s not sure why Niall asked him to come here though, and he cautiously walks up the cobblestone steps to the door.

He hesitates a little before pressing the doorbell, the nerves starting to build up in the pit of his stomach and he’s got no idea why. Maybe it’s because of the way things left off between the two of them last, and he’s worried for what’s waiting for him inside the house.

When he rings the doorbell, it takes a while before he hears Niall faintly shouting from inside. “It’s open!”

Zayn opens the door slowly and is taken away by how the house looks like inside. Although the outside has an older-looking exterior, the inside is more modern. He walks through the house and notices that it’s completely empty, and there’s music coming from one of the rooms down the hall.

He finds Niall sitting on the floor with his guitar in a room that looks so gorgeous that it takes his breath away. One of the walls is completely made of glass, and looks out to a spacious garden that looks like it’s been well-maintained judging by the landscape. The room’s also got a high ceiling, and there’s a small winding staircase in the corner that leads up to a small loft. It looks empty, but when Zayn really starts looking around, he realises that there’s a bunch of things scattered around.

His breath gets caught in his throat when he sees a row of canvases lined up against another wall, and even more surprising is an easel that sits in another corner.

“Do you remember this place?” Zayn snaps out of his confusion when he hears Niall’s voice. He slowly shakes his head and hope that his face shows him just how lost he feels.

“Last year, after one of Louis’s school plays, we were driving back from the college when we saw a sign saying this place was put up for rent.” Niall gets up with his guitar and walks towards a wooden table that’s placed to the side and carefully places the instrument on it.

 “You took one look at it and you said it looked gorgeous and so we turned in the driveway and thought we’d check it out. I don’t know what came over us, because we broke into the house through the back door to take a look inside.” Zayn’s heart warms when he sees the small smile that appears on Niall’s face when he’s talking about it.

As Niall’s reliving that night, Zayn tries to search through his brain for some clues but he can’t remember anything that Niall’s saying and feels so disappointed. The only thing he does remember is Niall getting upset when Zayn couldn’t remember a house he was talking about back when he was still in the hospital and suddenly everything clicks.

“We were acting like a couple of teenagers giddy in love.” Niall chuckles softly as he shakes his head and it sends a sharp pain through his chest because Zayn wishes so bad that he could remember that night because he can tell from the way Niall’s eyes light up while he’s talking about it that it must have been something special.

Zayn doesn’t say anything, because it feels like there’s something that Niall needs to get off his chest and this is all the build up to something more. So instead he walks towards the glass window and stares out at the backyard.

“I bought it.” Zayn turns so fast to face Niall he’s pretty sure he’s gotten some kind of whiplash from it.

“What?”

“I bought it a week before the accident.” He actually looks a little sheepish and that only warms Zayn’s heart even more and takes some of the shock off. “Yeah…ever since that night I asked the house agent to look out for it and he called me up one day and told me it was for sale. I told him to make an offer and suddenly I was signing the papers for it a few days later.”

Zayn still stands in shock as he takes another look around his surroundings.

“I wanted to tell you, but I think I didn’t because I was sure that you’d get mad at me for being so impulsive. But that night…the night of the accident…I wanted to bring you here, give you the keys and tell you it’s ours. Guess that never happened.”

Zayn’s heart jumps when he hears Niall say “ _it’s ours_ ” and for a moment he can’t focus on anything else until Niall starts talking again.

“I’ve been acting really weird because…I was really upset when you told me you couldn’t remember this place. It’s just…that night, here…it’s where we first talked about our future together. We’d never done that before and it was the first time you were so open with me and sharing your feelings about a life with me. We sat here, in this room, and we talked about how much we wanted to live in a house just like this away from the hustle of the city.”

Zayn turns and looks out to the backyard and yes, he can imagine it too, living in this house with Niall and starting a new life together. He can just see himself sitting in this room with his sketchbook, drawing Niall as he kicked a football around outside, maybe one or two dogs running around.

“We said we’ll get two dogs, maybe a cat as well, and you talked about using this room as an art studio.”

Zayn smiles to himself, because he might not remember that conversation with Niall, but it’s so close to what he was just thinking and it’s heartwarming to know they still want the same things.

“I’ve been coming here a lot after work. Spent the last few weeks that you were at home just working on this place, fixing up a couple of things. Repainted this room…even fixed the plumbing. It helped me…it helped to clear my mind. I know…I know I haven’t been easy these past couple of weeks but…”

Niall pauses and lets out another sigh, and Zayn’s afraid to look at him because he doesn’t know whether Niall still wants this house with him.

“I got so upset when you said you didn’t remember this place. And it messed with my head a bit, I thought maybe you didn’t want this anymore. It’s just…I had all these plans you know? I was going to surprise you…and in the end I felt like everything got messed up and I was trying to figure out how to get it back in order.”

Zayn can feel his heart trying to beat out of his chest and he’s trying to stay calm. He still hasn’t said anything since he walked into this room and he can’t seem to gather his thoughts enough to form a coherent sentence.

“The night of the accident…when I was supposed to show you the house…” Niall pauses and Zayn finally turns away from the glass window and gets a proper look at him. Niall’s standing in the middle of the room, his hair flat and already his brunette roots are growing over the blonde, and his blue eyes stand out brightly against the white shirt that he’s wearing.

But then Niall's looking down and Zayn’s eyes follows and then he lets out a quiet gasp.

Because Niall is looking down in his hands, where he's holding a small black square box.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Believe me when I say that I expected to finish this much, much, much earlier. But I decided to start on another fic + the fic exchange and...basically I suck at time management.
> 
> That being said, I can't update this anytime soon either, cause I really need to start focusing on my fic exchange piece so my apologies in advance :(
> 
> PS: I apologise for any medical inaccuracies because I know zilch (hence the added medical ambiguity tag yay!)
> 
> Hope this chapter lives up to your expectations and let me know what you think :)


	5. you're the one designed for me

_It’s a late Friday evening and Louis and Harry are over at Zayn and Niall’s flat. It’s the end of the school term and Harry came over to pick Louis and Niall up for an early celebration. They drove straight back to the flat and popped open a couple bottles of wine that were given to Harry as a gift and haven’t stopped since. Liam and Niall are still at the studio, so the three boys have had 5 bottles of wine between them over the last few hours and they’re all feeling a really good buzz going through their veins._

_They’re each sprawled all over the living room, Louis on the floor surrounded by a few of the empty bottles, Harry on the bean bag and Zayn curled up on the sofa. They’ve just opened the last bottle, and take turns having a couple of swigs from it before passing it around._

_Harry’s in the middle of recounting a story of accidentally walking in on someone’s proposal during one of his daily hikes in LA while the other two listen patiently as he keeps getting distracted and drifts away from the main point._

_“A hike? Seriously? That’s such a shit idea for a proposal mate.” Zayn says when Harry finally finishes._

_“How would you propose to Niall then?” Harry tips his head back to meet Zayn’s eye and reaches out his hand to take the bottle of wine from him. Zayn hears Louis let out a scoff before his head pops up from under the coffee table._

_“If anyone’s doing the proposing, it’d obviously be Niall.”_

_Zayn nods his head sluggishly, eventhough the other two wouldn’t be able to see it, because it’s true. If it was up to Zayn, he’d be content living in the same flat with Niall for the rest of his life, whereas his boyfriend was known to enjoy making grand gestures._

_“Zaaaayn.” Harry’s turned the bean bag round, and is now stretching his lanky legs to poke at Zayn’s thighs. “How would you want Niall to propose to you?”_

_“Haz this is Niall we’re talking about here, I bet he’d like…hire one of those airplanes to draw a message in the sky or something.” Louis answers._

_“OR A FLASH MOB!” Harry sits up excitedly, his hands out in front of him like he’s got the best idea ever. “That’d be so fucking awesome.”_

_“He’d probably propose at a Drake concert. Pull some strings to get on stage. Though I think Zayn would be more likely to be shitting himself standing next to Drake than pay attention to the proposal.” Louis adds._

_That sets them off, and they’re all laughing hard at the image._

_“Zaaaaayn.” Harry’s kneeling next to his face now, using his finger to poke at Zayn’s cheek._

_“Whaaaat?” Zayn would poke him back in the ribs if he could bother to move._

_“You haven’t answered my question.” Zayn can smell the sweet wine on his breath as he huffs against his neck._

_To be honest, he hasn’t really thought much into it before then. He knows that he’s committed to Niall, and that he’d like to stay with him for as long as possible. He’s never been that into the idea of marriage, but now aided by his alcohol-assisted high he allows himself to imagine it, lets his mind seriously consider all the scenarios that Harry and Louis have described and it sends his mind into a whizz – a good kind, like it’s something that he never knew he wanted before._

_He thinks about it for a few moments, but it the end there’s only one thing he knows for sure. “Fuck, Niall could propose to me while he was on the toilet and I’d still say yes.”_

_He says it seriously and he gets lost in his head imagining a future and starting a life with Niall that he doesn’t register the sound of the other two lads snickering into their hands._

_He snaps out of his reverie when Harry bursts out laughing, falling back onto the floor, and he can see Louis laughing like a mad person as well, and he’s a little confused before he finally properly realises what he’s just said, and he can’t help but join them._

_“What’s so funny?” A familiar voice calls over their laughter._

_Zayn wonders if he’ll ever get over the way hearing that Irish twang makes his heart beat a little faster, and his face breaks into a wide grin when he sees Liam and Niall standing by the doorway. Niall’s got a crooked smile on his face, walking towards Zayn with an amused look._

_“We were talking about you sitting on the toilet.” Zayn slurs, sending the other two drunken lads on another round of laughter. Niall sits on the armrest, his hand reaching out to card his fingers through Zayn’s hair. He leans into the touch, and hums in content at the warmth that flushes through his skin. He opens his eyes and Niall’s looking down at him in confusion, then Liam discovers the empty wine bottles lying somewhere under the coffee table – one’s still in Louis’s hands – and Niall starts chuckling and shakes his head fondly. Zayn looks up at Niall and gives him a sleepy smile, and then he pouts when Niall removes his fingers from his hair._

_Niall just laughs again and bends down to place a kiss on Zayn’s forehead before getting up and walking away. Zayn turns his attention back to where Liam is standing over Louis and Harry who are sprawled over the floor giggling among themselves._

_“Come on babe, loosen up!” Louis says while tugging on Liam’s jeans._

_“Yeah! Come on Li…maybe we’ll tell you about what Zayn’s idea of a romantic proposal is.”_

_Zayn groans and hides his face in his hands and wants to get away from this conversation as soon as possible. He quickly stands up to follow in Niall’s footsteps and immediately realises how drunk he must be from the way his feet feel like jelly and wobble as he makes his way down the hallway to the bedroom._

_Niall’s standing by their cupboard, looking through the drawers. He’s taken off his shirt, but he’s already changed into a pair of sweatpants that hang low on his hips. Zayn makes his way towards him and wraps his arms around Niall’s waist when he gets close enough, fitting his head perfectly in the space between his neck and shoulder, and breathes in the way Niall smells at the end of the day._

_There’s still a hint of the cologne he sprayed on himself this morning before he left to work, the smell that clings onto Zayn’s clothes from when Niall presses himself to Zayn before kissing him goodbye. There’s also a faint salty hint of sweat that drives Zayn crazy, the way it’s all Niall…and it’s something he weirdly finds comfort in._

_“How you feeling babe?”_

_“I’m cold. You’re warm.” Zayn mumbles into Niall’s skin. He’s rarely this clingy, that was more of Niall’s thing, but he was slowly coming down from his high and his limbs felt too heavy._

_“Let’s get you a glass of water then see if the boys want to order some pizza yeah?”_

_Niall chuckles when Zayn shakes his head in reply. “No pizza? Curry then?”_

_Zayn hums happily and the two of them stand like that for a little while before Niall turns his head to drop a kiss on Zayn’s temple before gently pulling away, only to wrap his hand around his wrist and tug him out of the room to rejoin the others._

_Later on when they finally get to bed, Zayn cuddles up to Niall and once again presses himself to his back. He lets out a quiet chuckle when he remembers the earlier conversation with Harry and Louis, and hears Niall asking what’s so funny._

_“I don’t care you know.” Zayn says sleepily, eyes already closed and arms holding Niall close._

_“About what?”_

_“How you’d propose. It doesn’t matter. I’m gonna be with you forever anyway.” He says it happily, and there’s a warmth settling in his chest as he thinks about it._

_He doesn’t know if Niall ever replies him, because about a second later his mind gives into sleep and he dreams of growing old with a blue-eyed boy with the brightest smile in the world._

* * *

It’s like he’s been hit with tunnel vision, because everything around him is just a blur and all Zayn sees in front of him is the small square box that Niall’s holding in his hands.

There’s nothing more that he wants to do than to close the distance between the two of them, to reach out and touch Niall, to run his fingers across the material of the box just so that he knows that it’s real, but Zayn’s feet feel like they’re cemented to the ground and he can’t bring himself to move.

Niall is standing right in front of him, but for some reason Zayn feels like they’re oceans apart.

Niall still hasn’t said anything, he hasn’t stopped looking down at his hands and then it hits Zayn. That maybe Niall’s having second thoughts about it and it leaves Zayn feeling terrified.

“Niall…” Zayn breathes out slowly, his voice coming out in a careful whisper. “Have you changed your mind?” he asks, he has to – he just needs to know. He can’t stand the fact that Niall’s dangling the promise of forever for the two of them in front of him, only to decide that he doesn’t want it anymore.

Niall snaps his head up when he hears the plea in Zayn’s voice. He looks confused, and Zayn has no doubt that the same look is mirrored in his face. In the blink of an eye, Niall’s standing in front of him, close enough that all Zayn can see are crystal blue eyes cutting into his. Niall grabs one of Zayn’s hands while shaking his head.

“Baby…” he chokes out.

Niall lifts both his hands and cups Zayn’s face, and Zayn can feel the velvet material of the box pressed against his cheek from where it’s still in Niall’s hand.

Niall leans his forehead to rest against Zayn’s, his thumb gently rubbing against his cheek and it almost grazes the corner of Zayn’s mouth and he gazes down at Niall’s lips and he wants nothing more than to press his lips against them, to remind Niall about what the two of them have.

But then Niall still hasn’t answered his question, and Zayn can’t do anything but grip onto Niall’s shoulders to anchor himself, a silent plea to bring him out of this misery.

Niall lets out a little chuckle, the sparkle returning to his eyes and Zayn isn’t surprised that Niall knows exactly what’s going through his mind because he closes the gap and takes Zayn’s lips between his.

Niall tastes like coffee and mint, he smells citrusy and fresh, and he’s warm like a sunny day.

He feels like home.

They break apart too soon, just as Zayn’s beginning to taste a little less _coffee_ and a little more _Niall_ so he lets his feelings known and a whine escapes from the back of his throat as his lips chase after Niall’s.

Instead, Niall just pecks him softly once before whispering against Zayn’s lip.

“I will never doubt us Zayn.”

* * *

The thing is, Niall still doesn’t say anything. Instead, the little box disappears into the pocket of his jeans before he curls his hand around Zayn’s wrist, pulling him out of the room.

“Come on babe, let me show you our house.” Niall turns back to flash him a cheeky grin and it’s been so long since Zayn’s seen it that he forgets about everything else. Instead, he pulls on Niall’s hand until he stumbles back and Zayn grabs onto his waist to steady him. Niall raises his eye in confusion, but then Zayn kisses him in reply, feeling the edges of his lips quirk up.  Zayn runs his tongue along the seam of Niall’s lips until he parts them, and Zayn licks into the roof of Niall’s mouth.

He pulls back before they get carried away, enjoying the way Niall’s eyes look a little hazy and his lips look red and swollen, and Zayn stifles a laugh against the side of Niall’s face where his nose is pressed against the other boy’s cheek.

Niall slots his fingers into the spaces between Zayn’s and this time the two of them leave the room with a wide smile on their faces.

The house looks much bigger from what Zayn thought it was when he first pulled up outside, but despite the fact that it’s completely empty, there’s still a warmth and cosiness that settles the nerves in Zayn’s stomach.

The excitement on Niall’s face creeps through the spaces between Zayn’s bones and he can already see how they can fit everything in their flat into all the empty spaces around the house. It’s inevitable that Zayn falls more and more in love with the house with every step he takes, and it doesn’t help that Niall excitedly points out things that he loves about it too and Zayn finds himself agreeing with him almost each time.  

Niall drags him back to the front door, insisting that he wants to start right from the beginning. Zayn realises that he completely missed the living room on his way in, when all he was focused on was trying to find Niall.

The front door opens to a small foyer which leads to a hallway. What Zayn failed to notice earlier was that it also opened up to the living room on the left hand side. The living room is pretty big – enough to fit a large group of people in it and a couple of bookshelves and Zayn can already imagine the way the lads will be over and occupying the space soon.

The middle of the hallway serves as an intersection with a corridor going both ways. Niall excitedly leads Zayn to the room that’s on the end of the left corridor, his eyes lighting up as he tells Zayn that he wants to convert this room to his studio. It’s perfect for him, a small window looks out into the back garden and it looks big enough for him not to feel claustrophobic when he has to spend huge amounts of time in there. Zayn makes him promise not to disappear into his studio for long periods of time and forget the fact that the outside world exists.

“I’ll try.” Niall says cheekily.

There are two guest rooms on the other end of the corridor, and Zayn thinks it’s perfect for times when his family come to visit, though he knows that one of the guest rooms will most probably be claimed by Harry who’ll bring his own box of clothes to fill in the empty cupboard space.

The kitchen’s at the back of the house and it looks absolutely gorgeous. It’s right next to the room that Zayn found Niall in, the one that’s supposed to be his own art studio and looks out to the back garden.

Niall excitedly chatters on about how they can put an island in and that there’s also enough space for a mini bar and Zayn’s speechless because he’s so in love with it and he knows that neither of them cook all that much but he knows Niall’s inclined to make a few big breakfasts after a night out and he loves the image of the two of them standing sleepily in front of the stove on a Sunday morning.

It’s perfect, and he can’t wait to have it.

“Babe?”

Zayn snaps out of his thoughts to find Niall looking at him and biting on his bottom lip, a sign that he’s worried about what Zayn’s thinking. “You haven’t said anything.”

Niall hasn’t let go of Zayn’s hands at all from the start of their little tour, and Zayn squeezes them gently to reassure him that there’s nothing wrong.

“Niall, this place is…better than I could ever imagine. I just – I can’t stop thinking about starting our life here and all the things we’re going to get up to.”

Zayn slings his arm around Niall’s shoulder, pulling him close until he can smell the soap on his skin from his morning shower.

“In fact I was just thinking how this gorgeous kitchen is going to waste because the two of us can’t cook for shits.” Zayn says with a chuckle.

Niall lets out a mock gasp and pinches Zayn’s waist playfully. “How dare you! I can make a mean fry up and you know you love it!”

Zayn laughs into Niall’s neck as the latter pulls him towards the garden.

“This is my favourite part of the house Z. I can’t wait for the summer. I was thinking we can put in a deck here, and there’d still be enough space left to play a bit of footie when the boys come over.” Niall pauses to point out to Zayn where he wants the deck to be, and it’s amusing to watch the enthusiasm on his face.

“Think about it babe, we can get some of those outdoor sofas. Oh! And a nice big grill! I’ve always wanted a proper grill! Flipping burgers and steaks on a hot sunny day with a cold pint in hand…fuck that sounds awesome we’re so doing this Zayn.”

And that was that. Zayn knew that he couldn’t argue with Niall and honestly speaking, he didn’t quite mind the idea himself. He was already wondering when the house would be ready for them to have a summer barbecue so that they can invite all their friends and family over.

Zayn isn’t surprised that Niall was excited for summer, he was sunlight personified after all. While Zayn loves the cold, the feel of leather on his body and the taste of a cup of hot chocolate at the end of a cold day, Niall was a fan of the sun, always chasing the rays and eager to get out and make full use of the hot weather whenever they got it.

Niall gets distracted by a phone call, and places a light kiss to Zayn’s lips as an apology before he paces around the garden. Zayn walks back in and makes his way through the house alone, taking his own time to continue imagining how to make the place feel more like it’s _theirs._

Zayn walks towards the front of the house and finds himself in the master bedroom which is right across from the living room. It’s completely empty, and Zayn stands looking out the large window that looks out to the front of the house. There are a few other houses around, and it feels so suburban and domestic and Zayn shakes his head when he thinks about how very grown up this feels.

It’s not long before he feels a pair of arms wrapping around his waist and warm lips pressed against his neck.

“I want one of your paintings hanging in every room in this house.”

Zayn pretends to think for a while, “Well, that would cost you quite a bit of money I think.”

Niall playfully nips at his skin in response while Zayn lets out a laugh and shakes his head against Niall’s shoulder.

Zayn feels warm all over, with Niall pressed flush against his back, but there’s still a nagging feeling in his mind when he thinks of the words that’s being left unsaid between them.

“Niall…”

“Do you like it?”

“Niall of course…I love it.”

Zayn feels Niall humming against him. “Good. Or else this would have been awkward.”

Zayn turns in Niall’s arms to look at him, gently kissing his temple before facing him.

Niall must sense the apprehension that he’s feeling, because he lets out a nervous sigh and steps out of their embrace, rubbing his hands on his jeans as he takes a few steps back. Zayn feels the tension creep back into his bones, but then Niall smiles, bright like the sun and he calms down.

“Zayn…I had this planned out. I knew how I was going to do it the minute I got the keys to the house. There was supposed to be music and photos and just all this cheesy romantic stuff that night and-“

“Niall.” Zayn interrupts him before he continues, because Niall’s fidgeting and looks nervous and that’s the last thing that he wants. “Niall I don’t care. I might not…I don’t remember this house and the day that we found it and what it meant to us but…that doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with you. You know that right?”

Niall nods his head before a smile slowly takes form on his face.

“Zayn Malik…I don’t know what it was about you that made me strike up a conversation with you all those years ago at the pub, but I’ve never regretted it for a single day.” He pauses to let out a happy sigh, his smile getting wider when he sees it mirrored on Zayn’s face.

“The first time I saw you, I thought that you were the most gorgeous guy in the room and I just wanted to say Hi to you. I didn’t think I’d end up kissing your face off in the back alley of the pub but even if we didn’t end up together I think that’d be the best thing I’d ever done. And I remember regretting playing hard to get and missed out on going home with you that night and I seriously thought things were over between us, but I’m so glad that it wasn’t. The more I got to know you, the more I was so amazed by you. You’re thoughtful and so talented and generous and you make me want to be the best person I can be.”

Niall’s eyes are tearing up and it’s no surprise that Zayn’s are too and they both have dumb grins on their faces as they hastily wipe away each stray tear that’s escaped.

“You challenge me every day Zayn, and I’d do anything to make you happy. I know this isn’t a big deal to us…” Zayn follows Niall’s eyes as they look down Zayn sees the box in his hand again. “We always said we don’t need a ring or a piece of paper to take the next step and you know that I’d follow you to the ends of the earth if you asked me to no matter what.”

“Even if you didn’t remember me,” Niall pauses and Zayn feels his body involuntarily tense up, “I’d spend the rest of my life trying to help you remember. My heart and soul belongs to you Zayn.”

Zayn can’t stop smiling giddily, and now the two of them are crying openly.

“Aren’t you supposed to ask me something?” Zayn says, laughing through his tears.

Niall wipes his eyes and takes a deep breath before fixing on the biggest smile on his face.

“Zayn Javaad Malik, I’d be on my knees right now if it wasn’t for the fact that they’re a little dodgy but, can you do me the highest honour of agreeing to legally bind yourself to me forever?”

Zayn’s already nodding his face before Niall can finish and he’s smashing their lips together as he grips onto the back of Niall’s neck tightly to pull him in.

They kiss like that for a while, and it’s wet and messy but all Zayn can think about it how he’s never ever going to lose Niall.

“You brought me back Niall, always remember that. You always bring me back.”

Niall smiles and drops another quick kiss to Zayn’s lips before opening the black box to reveal a gorgeous ring.

It’s a simple design, but what is striking about the ring is the Celtic design that’s engraved into the platinum band in gold. Zayn immediately knows Niall chose this specifically for his Irish roots, and he’s knows that he’ll be proud to wear it on his finger.

Niall slips the ring onto Zayn’s finger and it’s so beautiful the way it fits perfectly. He can’t stop smiling and Niall keeps placing kisses on each of his fingers and the palm of his hand.

It’s better than anything Zayn could have ever imagined.

* * *

Once they’ve both calmed down and dried their tears, they take a drive down to the town centre that’s just five minutes away, picking up some food and drinks and then have an impromptu picnic in the back garden of their new house. They spend the rest of the afternoon lying on the floor of their empty living room, talking about plans on how to make the place properly theirs, and by the time they’re back in the bright lights of London later that night, Zayn almost feels like everything was just a dream.

But then there’s that unfamiliar feeling of something cold surrounding one of his fingers on his left hand, and it still takes his breath away when he looks down to see the proof that yeah, Niall did actually propose to him. In _their_ house, and that they really did spend the day talking about _their_ future.

Niall catches him looking down at the ring a few times during the drive, and shakes his head fondly before he finally grabs Zayn’s hand and kisses it gently, holding it close to his chest the rest of the way back.

It isn’t too late by the time they get back to the flat, and Zayn’s itching to tell someone. He’d prefer to tell the lads face to face, so he decides to call his parents first. He puts the phone on speaker and balances it on his knee as Niall settles in next to him with a blinding smile on his face.

Zayn can’t help himself and surges forward to capture Niall’s lips in his own, but they’re quickly interrupted when Zayn hears his mum’s voice.

“Hello, Zayn? Is that you love? Is everything okay? You never called once you got back to London last night love.”

His mum continues to go on about how she was worried when he didn’t call and she even sounds a little mad, and Zayn’s fidgeting in his seat because he can’t listen to her ranting away right now.

“Mum-“

“Could have at least sent me a text-“

“Mum, Niall and I are engaged!”

There were a dozen ways that Zayn had thought up in his head on how to break the news to his mum, but he definitely didn’t plan on blurting it out like he just did.

But it doesn’t matter, because Niall’s thrown his head back and is howling with laughter, clutching his stomach while he’s laughing and it’s so infectious that Zayn can’t help but join in, the two of them pressed against each other while his mum is left forgotten.

“Zayn- what? What are you saying?”

Zayn takes a moment to calm down, nodding his head at the phone before he realises she can’t see him, and fights down the urge to start laughing again.

“Yeah mum.” He says proudly while looking at Niall.

“It’s true Trish, you’re stuck with me for life now.” Niall adds.

She doesn’t say anything and the two boys look at each other questioningly and before Zayn asks her how she feels, they hear her practically whooping over the line, and that sets another round of laughter among the two of them.

It’s not long before she shouts out to Zayn’s father to tell him the good news and he comes on the line at the right time when his mum starts sounding a little teary and takes over before she gets the chance to set Zayn off.

But it’s all happy tears, and so he does laugh a little wetly when his father congratulates him and Niall and chides the latter for not seeking his permission first, but that he’ll let it slide because they love him anyway.

“You’re already a part of the family anyway.” His father says to Niall, and it’s his turn to get a little teary and Zayn gives his hand an encouraging squeeze and kisses his temple as Niall thanks his father for his support. 

It’s barely ten minutes since he puts the phone down with his parents when it rings again and he sees Doniya’s name flashing on the screen. The second he picks up, he hears her squealing in his ear, excitedly babbling away about wedding plans.

It takes him about twenty minutes to get her to calm down and convince her that they haven’t thought that far yet. Though knowing him and Niall, he knows that it’ll be something simple with no fuss.  

“Two down, three more to go.” Niall says with a smirk on his face when Zayn finally puts down the phone.

* * *

Harry’s supposed to come back from LA that weekend, so Niall and Zayn decide to wait for him so that they can tell all the boys together. Although Zayn isn’t so sure how long Niall is going last because he’s terrible at keeping secrets.

By the next morning, he’d already told their neighbour that they rarely talk to, and the barista at the corner coffee shop when they went in for breakfast. It got to a point that Zayn had to pull him away and slap his hand over Niall’s mouth to stop him from spilling it to the rest of the world before they told their best friends.

But the next afternoon Harry calls and says that his trip is cancelled and that he isn’t going to make it to London after all, which leaves Zayn in a bad mood and Harry a little confused because he doesn’t understand why Zayn’s mad at him. Zayn sulkily passes the phone to Niall and stomps off to the bedroom before Niall comes in later and kisses him until he breaks a smile.

So they decide to go ahead and tell Liam and Louis first and invite them to come see the new house over the weekend. Zayn knows that Harry will throw a fit when he finds out but he’ll just tell him that he’s got himself to blame for that. The four of them drive down together, and Zayn has to keep reminding himself to hide his hands in his pockets so that he doesn’t ruin the surprise. Niall said that Liam already knew about the house, so Zayn isn’t surprised that Louis would know about it too and they’ve already talked about it over the phone.

This is the second time that Zayn’s going to the house since the proposal, and it still brings the same warmth to his bones as they pull up outside the driveway.

“Well guys, mi casa es su casa.” Niall exclaims as they all get out of the car.

“Guys, it looks really gorgeous on the outside.” Liam says as Niall’s fumbling with the keys to get the front door open.

Zayn trails behind Niall as he excitedly brings them on a tour of the house, pointing out all the changes that they’re going to make as they go along.

At one point when Louis and Zayn are still standing in one of the empty rooms while Liam and Niall have moved on, Louis throws his arm around Zayn’s shoulder and gives him a knowing look. “I’m really happy for you guys mate. This place looks amazing!”

Zayn turns around so that he can envelop Louis in a hug, nodding against his neck before they both pull back and smile at each other.

“Shit, this is a pretty huge back garden you’ve got here.” Louis whistles when they enter the kitchen where Liam and Niall are, and Zayn can’t help but admire the way the bright sun shines in through the open windows to show the beautiful landscape outside.

“Yeah…Niall’s set on having a deck out here for future barbecues.” Zayn says and Liam rolls his eyes fondly.

“Yeah that’d be so fucking awesome mate. But I don’t know if we should do it before we move in or later. I’m just afraid it’ll take up too much space if we decide to hold the wedding here because I doubt we’d be able to fit all of Zayn’s family and my friends in here.” Niall says casually.

Liam’s eyes immediately widen in surprise and he turns to look at Zayn who slowly nods his head at him with a giddy smile on his face.

Louis remains oblivious to them and instead just looks confused. “Wedding? What wedding?”

Niall doesn’t say anything, just wraps an arm around Zayn and Liam each while all three of them wait for the pieces to click in Louis’s head. Zayn gives him a cheeky smile and lifts his hand, casually waving it so that Louis can get the hint when he sees the light glinting from the platinum that’s wrapped around his finger.

“You fucking assholes!” Louis exclaims loudly before walking towards them and throwing his arms around them, pulling the two of them in for a hug, but Liam ends up following and they find themselves huddled in a group hug,

“When did this happen then? And how long have you kept it from us?” Louis asks with a faux insulted tone when they break apart.

“Just last weekend! We wanted to wait until Harry came but since that didn’t happen we just went ahead and thought we’d tell you guys first anyway.” Niall explains.

“I’m surprised Niall managed to keep his mouth shut about it actually.” Zayn adds teasingly.

“Hey! It’s not too late for me to change my mind you know. Lou, do you wanna marry me instead?”

Louis pretends to think about it for a little while. “Well I do fancy myself living in a house like this.”

“You little shit!” Liam says before they all erupt into laughter.

“Soz babe, looks like you’re stuck with me.” Zayn says before wrapping his arms around Niall’s waist and pulling him closer.

“Ehh…guess I’ll live.” Niall shrugs before winking at him and kissing him softly.

They spend a little bit more time around the house then show Liam and Louis a bit of the small town before making the drive back to London. They stop for a quick curry, and Niall makes Liam and Louis swear not to break the news of the proposal to anyone else.

It’s later on when they’re back in the flat, lying in bed when Zayn wonders about something. Niall’s got his head in Zayn’s lap while the latter’s sitting up with a book in one hand while his other is running his fingers through Niall’s hair. Niall’s scrolling through his phone, laughing at some silly messages that Louis’s apparently sending him about possible stag party ideas.

“Didn’t you tell them about it?” Zayn asks him after a while of the two of them laying there in a comfortable silence.

“About me proposing? No, I didn’t.” Niall says shyly.

Zayn scrunches up his eyebrows in confusion. He’s pretty surprised, because Niall really is the kind of person who can’t keep a secret for long, or he thought at the very least he’d have told Liam about it. Niall sees the confusion in his face and laughs as he leans up for a moment to kiss the wrinkles in Zayn’s brow away.

“I don’t think any of them would have been surprised if I told them anyway. Liam’s heard me go on about how I wanna settle down with you for ages now. And plus like your dad said I know your parents love me so I knew I didn’t need their permission.”

“Wow, confident much?” Zayn teases, pulling at Niall’s hair a little more roughly.

“Besides, I wanted you to be the first one to know. I wanted it to be our own secret for a while.”

“Wait, but the ring? Where was the ring the whole time?”

“Well, I knew that I couldn’t hide it in the flat cause you’d definitely find it, and didn’t feel too good keeping it at the studio either.” Niall looks away sheepishly.

“So where’d you stash it then?”

“I kept it at the house.”

Zayn’s eyes widen when he realises what Niall implies.

“You left it in the empty house for 5 months!?”

“Well technically…it was longer than that – I think I hid it a few weeks before.”

Zayn’s speechless and can’t begin to find the words to say. So instead he just shakes his head at Niall and pulls him in for a chaste kiss.

* * *

There’s something else that Zayn wants to know from Liam ever since he heard about it that’s been itching away at him for the past two weeks. It isn’t so much disturbing him, but more like a burning curiosity that he needs to put out.

So later that week when the lads are over at their flat and Liam’s helping Zayn heat up a frozen lasagne in the kitchen, he approaches the topic.

“So you knew about the house then?”

Liam looks at Zayn a little guiltily and nods his head slowly.

“Yeah. He told me about it after he collected the keys.”

Zayn doesn’t say anything, just continues to take the lasagne out from the oven.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it mate. I just thought that it wasn’t my place.” He says, and he genuinely looks worried that Zayn’s upset that he hid this thing from him.

“It’s fine Li. I think I would have had more trouble trying to figure things out anyway.” Zayn explains. “I guess it’s just…I couldn’t help myself thinking that if he…if he didn’t wake up, and no one knew about the house then…that would have been a little sad yeah? A gorgeous house like that abandoned.”

“Well good thing that didn’t happen yeah?” Liam says, and the two of them share a relieved smile.

* * *

It’s been a few weeks since the proposal and Zayn still hasn’t told Harry. He’s surprised that they’ve been able to keep it from him for so long, but he knows that Niall’s getting a little suspicious each time Zayn avoids making the phone call. But he makes up excuses like the time difference, and wanting to tell him in person, but to be honest he isn’t sure why he’s so nervous because he knows that out of everyone Harry would be the happiest for him.

It’s Sunday night and Niall and him are at home watching a bit of telly. Zayn’s been fidgeting the whole time after dinner and keeps glancing at the clock, and he hopes that he’s subtle enough for Niall not to notice.  It’s probably about 15 minutes into the latest Doctor Who that Niall carefully puts his hand on Zayn’s knee to stop his fidgeting. He doesn’t say anything, just leaves his hand there and lightly rubs his thumb against the soft material of Zayn’s sweatpants.

It does calm him down, and with a final look at the clock, he decides that it’s probably the perfect time. When he tells Niall that he’s going to call Harry, he just smiles and kisses his shoulder, and Zayn’s grateful that Niall understands, that despite the fact that they’re all just as close with each other, Harry’s still Zayn’s closest friend and that he wants to do it alone.

He slips out onto the balcony, phone in hand and his cigarettes in the other. It rings a couple of times before Zayn hears a familiar slow drawl on the other end of the line.

“Heyyyy mate. What’s happening?”

Zayn can feel his lips curling into a smile as he takes a cigarette out and lights it before answering him. “Nothing much. Been a while mate. How’s things on your end?”

“Yeah, it’s really good mate. Just got back home from a run.” Harry then gets into a story about how he met an adorable old couple and somehow got invited back to their house for a chat where they showed him their fruit trees that were growing in the back garden. Zayn just absently listens to his story, focussing more on each pull he takes from the cigarette.

“So haven’t really spoken to you much since your dad’s thing. How is he?” Harry asks once he’s finished with his story.

“Yeah he’s better. Almost back to a 100%.”

“Good to hear that mate. So what did you guys get up to last weekend? Sorry I couldn’t make it mate, I know you were well pissed.” He says with a chuckle.

“Yeah no worries.” Zayn hesitates, but feels the smile form on his face. “Just hung out with the boys. Showed Liam and Louis the house, got engaged, just a regular weekend.”

There’s complete silence on the other end and Zayn’s just about say his name when –

“NO SHIT! Oh my god mate! That’s amazing FUCK I can’t believe that little shit did it when I wasn’t around!”

Zayn chuckles softly as he hears Harry grudgingly curse about how he’s not in London and then excitedly starts asking Zayn about how it happened and where and when and-

Zayn finally takes a minute to remember everything that happened before the proposal and what made him come down from Bradford and what happened the night before he went to the house and he realises that this is what’s making his heart feel heavier than the ring that’s wrapped around on his finger. He asks himself for the first time what’s been plaguing him at the back of his mind over the last couple of weeks, always pushing down the doubt that threatens to eat up the high that he’s been on.

If he didn’t end up making that last minute trip from his parent’s house to see Niall, would that ring still be on his finger right now?

“Zayn?”

He snaps out of his daze when he realises that he’s lost himself in his thoughts and that Harry’s long stopped his excited little ramblings.

“Yeah, I’m here…sorry.”

“Is everything okay?” Harry asks in a careful voice. And Zayn loves the way that Harry knows, he just _knows_ when Zayn’s feeling off centre and loves how he went from being excited to concerned in the span of 5 minutes and he misses him so much.

“It’s just – I don’t know if I forced him into it.” Zayn finally says it out in one breath, feeling like he’s just let out a secret he wasn’t meant to.

“What do you mean?”

So Zayn starts from the beginning, tells Harry all the things that he’s been keeping from him because he didn’t want him worrying. He tells him about how Niall spent weeks being distant from Zayn, and how things seemed like they were alright again until he left to Bradford, and then making the drive back down to London and finding the empty flat and Niall lying about it. The only part he feels happy talking about is when he talks about the house, and even Harry takes a break from being the worry wart and gets excited again when he hears about it.

“Why didn’t you tell me this earlier? I would have come back Zayn.” Harry says with an exasperated sigh.

“That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you. You took off enough time after the accident as it is Haz.” Zayn pauses to take a long drag from his cigarette. “So I don’t know. There’s a part of me that wonders whether he panicked or something…” Zayn says a little quietly, letting the smoke settle in his lungs.

“Zayn…” Harry starts, and then Zayn can hear him sighing again, “That boy’s wanted to propose to you ever since you agreed to move in with him. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted to do it since your first date. I highly doubt that he did it only to appease you.”

Zayn nods absentmindedly, bringing the cigarette to his lips for another puff before replying. “I know Haz. But there’s still the whole “what if” you know?”

Harry hums in response. “Have you talked to him about it?”

“Talked about what?”

“Well he went from giving you the cold shoulder to hiding from you and then proposing. I mean…that’s why you’re having these feelings yeah? You’ve got to clear the air mate.” Harry says a little seriously, like it’s an important point that he needs Zayn to understand.

Zayn pauses to think, and he hates to admit it but he knows that Harry’s right. He hasn’t even spoken to Niall about his memory loss, too afraid to bring up the topic in case he gets closed off again.

“We’re just – we’re just doing so well Haz. I don’t want to ruin this high that we’re on cause God knows we need it after all the shit these past few months have been.”

Harry can hear the frustration and desperation in Zayn’s voice eventhough he’s halfway across the world because when he speaks again, his voice is a lot more softer and he sounds like he’s being careful with his words. “Look it’s not exactly something to worry about…but you don’t want this to be left unsaid between the two of you yeah? Especially if there’s a part of you that wonders whether his proposal was sincere. Which I think it was, but you’ve got to believe it too. And I’m not sure you completely do right now.”

Harry makes him promise that he’ll talk about it with Niall soon. He thinks that it’d be better for both of them and Zayn nods along to every suggestion he makes though he doesn’t pay much attention. Zayn does agree with whatever Harry’s saying, but he isn’t sure he’s got the guts to follow through with it. Not yet.

He’s been on the phone with Haz for almost an hour now and he’s itching to head back to Niall. So he says his goodbyes and Harry makes Zayn promise to shout at Niall for proposing while he wasn’t in the country and Zayn hangs up with a smile on his face.

He re-enters the flat to find Niall still splayed on the sofa, but this time the tv’s switched off and he’s got his guitar in hand playing a tune he can’t recognise.

Zayn gently ruffles Niall’s hair and gets a sleepy smile from the boy, who pauses his fingers momentarily. “So…what did Harry say?”

Zayn squeezes into the space between the armrest and Niall, letting him lean back comfortably on Zayn who wraps a hand around his waist. “He was happy for us of course. A bit mad at you though.” Niall turns his head up to raise his eyes at Zayn, and he gives him a soft chuckle in response.

“Well said first you should have asked him for permission for my hand in marriage, and second he’s insulted that you didn’t include him in the proposal. Said we’re a package deal.”

Niall lets out a soft chuckle as he rubs his thumb in soothing circles over the hand that Zayn’s placed on his stomach.

“Should have looked out for some Buy 1 Free 1 deals when I was looking for rings.” he says and Zayn hides a laugh in Niall’s hair.

He thinks about it then, wonders whether it’s the perfect time to ask Niall, for them to come clean with each other. He tries to calm down, to stop his heart from racing or else he’d never get the words out right. But then Niall takes Zayn’s left hand in his, and lifts it up to place a soft kiss on that all too important finger. Zayn can feel Niall’s lips lightly brushing against the ring that feels like it belongs on Zayn – like it’s already an extension of his body.

“I can’t wait babe.”

He doesn’t have to say what, Zayn knows what he’s talking about. Because he can’t wait too, for their house, for their marriage, for the rest of their lives together.

So Zayn keeps quiet, allowing all his worries to drift away with each kiss that he presses against his Niall’s lips.

* * *

The two of them settle back into a routine over the next few weeks.

Niall’s finished with all his physiotherapy sessions and they’ve cut him down to just regular check-ups at the hospital, and he’s back at work full time. Everything moves and works well, and all he needs to do is focus on improving his muscle strength at this point so he heads to the gym with Liam after work sometimes.

Zayn’s only been back to the college one more time with Louis, and the principal was all too happy to let him come back in a few months when the new term starts. He gets caught by some of his old students and spends some time catching up with them as they keep pestering him to come back soon. He leaves feeling good, and a little bit relieved that he could remember all his students and colleagues.

They haven’t started planning for the wedding, having no idea where to start. Zayn does get the weekly call from his mum who keeps pressing him for details and Doniya’s constantly sending over pictures and links to wedding ideas that he doesn’t bother opening.

“Simple. That’s the only thing I can think of when people ask me.” Niall tells him one night when they’re both lazing around on the sofa after dinner and Zayn’s just finished telling him about how their neighbour was asking about their wedding plans earlier that day.

“Yeah, I can’t imagine us having a big do. Doniya sent me a link to this wedding video where they had it in a bloody stadium with a carnival theme and everything. That’s just ridiculous.”

Niall chuckles as shifts his body so that he’s pressed on top of Zayn.

“Just you and me, the lads, our family…that’s more than enough people for me.” Niall says while he traces shapes on Zayn’s collarbone.

“I’m more excited about moving into the house to be honest.” Zayn says as he runs his fingers through Niall’s hair, absently thinking how to convince Niall not to dye it blonde again…liking how the brown suits him.

Niall lowers his head so that his chin is propped up right on the spot where Zayn’s got the pair of red lips tattooed in the centre of his chest.

Zayn can almost count the freckles on his face from here, loves the way Niall’s eyes light up at the mention of the house, _their_ house, and the dimples that sink into his cheeks as the smile splits across his face.

“I know Z. I’m bringing some of the guys from the studio there tomorrow to see how we can set up some recording stuff in that spare room. Oh and before I forget, the contractors are coming this weekend to see how to fit the deck in. It’s going to be sick.”

Zayn’s almost half convinced that when they finally move in, Niall’s just going to end up sleeping on the deck from the way he keeps talking about it and putting it high on the priority list of things to get done for the house.

Niall’s still excitedly babbling on about the contractors and paint jobs and all the things he needs to buy to fix up the studio and Zayn’s only half listening, too busy staring at the way Niall’s lips change shape to form the words coming out of his mouth, and the way his accent sounds more thicker when he’s this excited about something, and the way the light reflects off his blue eyes.

“I’m just upset about one thing.” Niall says suddenly with a serious tone in his voice.

“What’s that babe?”

“I’m so mad we missed out on Boxing Day sales. Could have gotten a sick grill for the deck yeah?”

Zayn throws his head back to lean against the armrest before letting out a groan, then grabs a pillow to smack the side of Niall’s face.

“What!? I was being serious babe!”

Zayn just shakes his head before pulling Niall towards him and planting a kiss on his lips.

“Can’t believe I’m engaged to such an idiot.”

“It’s ‘cause you love this idiot I think.”

Well, Zayn can’t argue with that.

* * *

The next morning Zayn wakes up to the press of lips against his cheek and the smell of Niall’s aftershave leaves a warm feeling in his chest.

“Morning babe. I’m heading off to the studio now ok?”

Zayn slowly opens his eyes and sees Niall walking towards the cupboard and gets a little disappointed when the sight of his black briefs disappears when Niall puts on his black ripped jeans. He turns back and smiles when he sees Zayn awake, and walks back to sit at the edge of the bed to put on his socks.

“What you planning on doing today?”

Zayn stretches his limbs and lets out a satisfying groan before sitting up and resting his chin against Niall’s shoulder, still feeling like he’s half asleep.

“Probably try to clear up some stuff. Get the packing started.”

Niall hums in agreement and turns his head to drop a kiss on Zayn’s forehead, wishing him luck before grabbing one of his many snapbacks that’s proudly arranged on the top of the chest of drawers and leaves the room.

A minute later Zayn hears the front door shut and he sinks back into the covers. Before he knows it, he’s fallen back asleep and he doesn’t wake up until it’s time for lunch when his stomach doesn’t let him sleep in any longer.

He checks his phone before he gets out of bed and smiles when he sees a few texts waiting for him from Niall.

_hey sleepyhead! what u up to?_

_hmm no reply in an hour! guess u went bck to sleep! haha xx_

He takes a quick snap of his ‘just woke up’ face and sends it along to Niall, knowing it’ll no doubt amuse him for the rest of the day. He’d probably end up showing it to half the people at the studio too and Zayn groans in embarrassment at no one in particular as he makes his way to the kitchen to fix up some breakfast.

Zayn gets the coffee going and takes a pan out to fry some eggs. He eats some toast while waiting, then gobbles up the eggs quickly before taking his cup of joe and makes his way to the guest room, guessing that it’d be easier to start there since most of the stuff in there were his things from his old flat that he still hadn’t unpacked yet.

Time passes quickly as Zayn sorts through everything that’s been stored in the cupboard of their guest bedroom. He takes longer than necessary when he spots small box that’s almost hidden at the back of the cupboard. He’s excited as he reaches for it and brings it out, setting it on the bed as he opens the lid. It’s a box of memories, little bits of things that he’s dumped in to look over later, plans for making a scrapbook that never fully materialised.

He laughs as he finds a couple of Polaroid shots of him and Harry from when they were in university. Harry’s hair is long and wild and falling messily over his face while Zayn’s sporting a blonde streak. He’s wearing a plain shirt, leather jacket and black jeans, an outfit he recycled almost every day while still in university. He takes a quick snap of the Polaroids on his phone and quickly sends them to Harry, and puts them specially aside to pack so as to make sure they don’t get lost in the move.

There’s other random stuff chucked into the box that really does take up Zayn’s time to sort through. Wrist tags and ticket stubs from concerts and festivals that they wasted their time on when they were younger – most of it Zayn didn’t even want to go to but got dragged along because of Harry.

He finds a box of matches that he nicked from a hotel during one of the first holidays that Niall brought him on. It was a few months into their relationship, and they hadn’t even exchanged I love you’s yet, but Niall was in need of a holiday and surprised Zayn with tickets to Scotland for a weekend.

He didn’t let Zayn pay him a single cent for any of the expenses, and Zayn remembers sulking the whole way to the airport (he wasn’t mad enough to not go though). It wasn’t until they were about to take off and that Zayn felt like his heart was about to come up his mouth that he let Niall take his hand in his and squeeze it gently.

He even finds one of his old sketchbooks, one that’s filled with more doodles rather than the proper sketches that he does now. He flips through the book and comes across a familiar page filled with random scribbles and doodles and he welcomes the memory with a smile on his face.

_Harry had been asking him every day whether he’d texted the cute Irish boy from the pub, and the truth was that he hadn’t, though that didn’t stop him from taking out his phone every now and then to see if he really did have it in his Contact list. It’s not that he wasn’t interested in him, because he was – he definitely was from the times he’s found himself waking up to images of pale skin and blue eyes, but he didn’t have the guts to even send him a casual text._

_It’s just, he couldn’t help the nagging feeling in the back of his head thinking about  how different he was to the Irishman – Niall, he said his name was after the second drink that they shared – and there was no way that they’d work out, so why bother?_

_But then one night he comes home from another shitty day at work, so exhausted he can feel it down to his bones that are aching from lugging boxes around for 12 hours and all he wants to do is unwind and make fun of some crap reality show on tv._

_He doesn’t bother heating up the leftover pizza, eating it cold and scoffing four slices down before he even leaves the kitchen, then throws himself onto the sofa with no plans to leave it anytime soon. He’s thankful that he’s off the next day, and wants to do nothing but just sleep the whole time._

_But it’s about two hours in and he’s watched a couple of episodes of Storage Wars and he’s still so tired but his mind doesn’t want to switch off and Zayn’s got this overwhelming sense of restlessness settling in his veins, like he’s itching to unload all his thoughts and until he does, he won’t be able to fall asleep._

_Unfortunately Harry’s at work, probably only be back in the early morning, so he’s not around to be the sounding board that Zayn needs, and he’s not bothered enough to get ready and pop into Harry’s pub for a chat eventhough he knows that would probably help him feel better._

_It of course brings him to thoughts of the last time he went down to the pub feeling frustrated, which led to him meeting Niall. It brings a flush to his cheeks when he remembers the feeling of Niall’s lips moving against his, and before he realises it he takes his phone out and scrolls through his contacts. He finds Niall’s number fairly quickly but pretends to scroll past it. He’d saved Niall’s number into his phone almost immediately after he got home that night, in the safety of his room and away from Harry’s teasing looks._

_He keeps scrolling aimlessly but then decides to screw all pretences and goes back to the contact and presses the call button before he can think twice. The phone rings for a few minutes, and Zayn finds himself wishing that Niall didn’t end up giving him a fake number. He glances at the clock and sees that it’s close to 11pm, and instantly curses himself for not thinking this through properly._

_“’lo?” Zayn’s about to hang up but freezes when he finally does hear the Irish accent on the other end of the line, and then suddenly his tongue feels heavy and it’s like he’s forgotten why he called in the first place._

_“Hello? Anyone there?” Niall repeats, his voice coming out in a lazy drawl._

_“Hey... It’s uh, Zayn?  We met at Paul’s pub few weeks ago?” Zayn says as he swallows his nerves._

_There’s silence, and Zayn’s holding his breath and ready to hang up and hide under his covers for the rest of the night when Niall lets out a laugh that causes Zayn’s lips to quirk up a little bit as well._

_“Yeah Zayn… We had a bit of a pash sesh outside the pub, how could I forget?” Zayn bites his lip to get rid of the blush that’s spreading across his cheeks, eventhough there’s no one around to see it._

_“Yeah mate, the one and only.”_

_Niall laughs again, big and boisterous like it’s the funniest thing he’s heard eventhough Zayn’s pretty sure it’s possibly the lamest things he could have said. “Thought I wasn’t going to hear from you.” Niall says when he calms down enough._

_“Yeah sorry I was…I’ve just been busy with stuff.” Zayn replies and there’s just a little bit of guilt in his tone. “Sorry did I wake you up?”_

_“No mate, I was just watching a bit of telly. Haven’t moved my arse off this sofa since I came home from work.”_

_“Yeah same.”_

_Niall hums in response and it’s quiet again and Zayn wants to end this conversation because it feels awkward and he doesn’t know what to say and it’s probably best that he hangs up before he gets embarrassed._

_“So what’s up?” Niall says before Zayn gets a chance to do anything._

_“Nothing I just- I just called to…talk?” Zayn mentally slaps himself for making it sound like a hesitant question._

_“This isn’t like…a booty call or something right? Cause I told you I didn’t do that kind of stuff.” Niall doesn’t sound angry, but there’s an underlying serious tone in his voice that Zayn picks up on._

_“Shit, no…sorry um…” Zayn scrambles to find a way to make this right because this conversation isn’t going the way he wants it to. “Like I said I just wanted to talk? I mean…it’s just, you had such a laugh hearing about my shit job the last time so I thought…I thought maybe we could continue our conversation?” Zayn says it all in one breath and he’s pretty sure he sounds like an idiot and won’t be surprised if Niall decided to hang up on him first._

_He’s met with silence again, but then he hears Niall laughing and it’s the kind that almost vibrates through the line and Zayn can feel it travel from his ears to the middle of his chest._

_“Well I’m glad you called…I uh…have to admit I was hoping you would.” Niall says shyly and it takes Zayn by surprise how sincere he sounds. “So I was promised some laughing at your expense?” Niall quickly changes his tone to and he sounds a little cheekier, and Zayn can’t help but let out a laugh, his whole body visibly relaxing as he sinks into the sofa and gets more comfortable._

_“Well then you’d love to hear about how this homeless guy decided to take a massive shit in one of the aisles last week. Guess who had to clean that up?”_

_So that’s how it starts, and it ends up being one of the longest conversations that Zayn’s ever had. About 5 minutes in Niall asked him to hang up, only to call him back from his landline so that Zayn’s phone didn’t get charged, and something as simple as that was enough for Zayn to know that he wanted to get to know Niall a lot more better._

_Within an hour, any trace of the tiredness or sour mood that Zayn was in earlier has gone out the window and he finds himself sitting propped against the armrest of the sofa with the phone nestled in between his neck and shoulder while he’s got his sketchbook on his lap. He’s idly doodling while talking to Niall, drawing a shamrock when Niall describes growing up in Ireland, then a little stick figure with a guitar when he mentions that he’s been playing the instrument since he was a kid. It’s all random stuff, and Zayn doesn’t even pay much attention to what he’s doing._

_Niall sounds a lot more awake than he did when he first picked up the phone as well. Zayn knows that he’s sat on his sofa with a cup of tea in hand, heard the clinging of the spoon against the cup when he was making it while Zayn was talking about growing up in Bradford and about his family._

_It’s the first time in a long time since Zayn’s spoken to someone else about his life, and it all comes naturally when he tells Niall about his passion for drawing and painting, eventhough he’s almost forgotten it himself, keeping that part of him locked away after months of not being able to find a proper job that would let him indulge in getting paid for doing something that he loved._

_Niall was different in that way, he loved music, and Zayn could practically hear the passion in his voice while he was talking about how he’d gotten his dream job of working at a recording studio right out of uni. But the thing that Zayn liked was that Niall didn’t sound like he was boasting about it and at the same time he didn’t try to preach to Zayn about never giving up and all that positivity crap that people were always trying to tell him. Instead he just listened and asked questions, as if he knew that all Zayn needed was to let it all out._

_He doesn’t register the time passing by until he hears Harry turning the key in the lock at the front door. He glances at the clock and realises it’s going to be 4 in the morning, and makes a mad dash to his room before Harry comes into the flat. He isn’t ready to see Harry’s questioning gaze and the inevitable third degree that he’d give Zayn when he found out who he was talking to so late._

_“Everything okay?” Niall asks when Zayn tells him to give him a second as he makes the run into his room and closes the door._

_“Sorry, Harry’s back.” Zayn says as a way of explanation. He’d already told Niall all about him, the latter feeling pleasantly surprised when Zayn told him that Harry was the floppy-haired bartender he had passed his phone number to pass to him that first night they met._

_He did make sure to slip in more than once that Harry was just a friend so that Niall wouldn’t get any wrong ideas. He felt a little blush creep through his cheeks when Niall said he couldn’t wait to meet Harry properly, which hopefully meant that Niall was interested in keeping their little thing going._

_Niall chuckles on the other end before letting out a tired yawn. “Shit, didn’t realise we’ve been talking for so long.”_

_They have – a record 5 hours and Zayn settles on his bed feeling amazed that he’s been able to hold a conversation with someone for that long._

_“Yeah you’re right…it was nice though.” Zayn says, hoping that Niall feels the same way. “I guess I should let you get to sleep then?”_

_Niall mumbles something and it’s quiet again and Zayn wonders whether he’s fallen asleep._

_“Niall?”_

_“Sorry…I promise I’m still awake. But um…yeah, it was really good talking to you Zayn.” Niall pauses, “Um…do you wanna maybe grab brunch later on? Or a coffee or whatever. That is if you’re not already sick of me.” It’s a nervous laugh, and Zayn can’t help the butterflies that are fluttering around in his own stomach when he hears Niall asking him out._

Zayn’s snapped out of his thoughts when he hears the front door shut and Niall’s voice calling out his name. A few minutes later and a familiar blonde head pops into the room, and Niall grins widely when he finds Zayn now sitting cross-legged on the floor surrounded by all the random stuff that he’s taken out of the box.

“I thought you were supposed to be packing, not _unpacking_?” Niall teases as he crosses the room to sit next to Zayn.

“I got a little carried away.” He says while holding up the sketchbook to show him the open page with all the doodles. “Do you know what this is?”

Niall takes the book from Zayn and lets his eyes wander over the various drawings. “Yeah…I remember you showing me this when you first moved in. You drew all this that night when you finally got round to calling me right?” Niall teases.

 “You’ll never let me get over that will you?” Zayn rolls his eyes playfully, nudging at Niall’s shoulders where it’s pressed against his.

Niall drops a quick kiss to Zayn’s cheek to appease him, chuckling softly. “I was so nervous asking you out.” Niall says. “I knew I was a goner the first time I met you. But after that night I knew I had to do everything I could to be with you.”

“Well it’s a good thing I said yes to that brunch date then yeah?” Zayn smiles at Niall before leaning forward to press his lips against Niall’s, letting himself get lost in the familiar smell of musky cologne and peppermint tea against his tongue.

“And look where we are now.” Niall says softly when they break apart as Zayn nods his head, looking into his favourite pair of ocean blue eyes.

 _Home_.

* * *

That’s how Zayn passes his time over the next few days. Some mornings he’s awake early enough to have a quick breakfast with Niall, and if he’s feeling particularly bored or wants a break from the packing he meets Niall and Liam for lunch as well. But most of the time, he’s sorting all their things into boxes.

Going through all their stuff for the move is like taking a walk down memory lane for Zayn, and there are some times when he can’t remember about something and panics a little, but sooner or later it comes to him.

“It’s reassuring actually.” He tells Harry one afternoon over Skype. “With all this packing I’ve been doing I feel like I’m testing myself to make sure that I remember everything.”

He sees Harry nodding encouragingly.

“Has he said anything?” Harry asks after a while.

“No…” Zayn looks down at his fingers and pretends to be intrigued by them instead of looking at Harry’s face on the screen in front of him. Zayn hates whenever Harry brings up the topic, because he hasn’t taken his advice and tried to speak to Niall about their issues yet eventhough he knows they probably should soon enough.

“Zayn…”

“It’s just…things are going good yeah? I’m just waiting for the right time.”

Harry doesn’t say anything, but Zayn can see the disapproval on his face. After a minute Harry just gives a little nod and changes the topic, knowing that there isn’t any point in pushing the issue any further.

Every chance he gets, Zayn tries to show Niall how much he remembers. It’s like he’s trying to prove something to Niall, and it’s during these times that the ‘what if’ thoughts come to the fore of his mind, that maybe Niall rushed into the proposal because he thought he was losing Zayn. He pushes the thoughts as quickly as they enter his mind, never letting them linger for too long.

The minute Niall walks in the door in the evenings, Zayn’s already got a handful of things to show him and they spend the rest of the night reminiscing. It’s great, reliving the course of their four-year relationship and every time Zayn knows he remembers something right another bit of worry leaves his body.

Some days Zayn wonders whether he overdoes it, the way he chatters on and on about something right and even talks about all the nitty gritty details.

One day Niall stops him in the middle of a story that he’s recounting about the time when the two of them were locked out of their flat and it was snowing heavily out so they couldn’t drive anywhere else. They ended up sitting against their door in the hallway the whole night until Niall remembered that he had a spare key hidden in the glove compartment in his car.

He’s teasing Niall as he excitedly recounts everything they talked about and did during that 5 hour wait. It’s close to midnight but Zayn doesn’t notice until he feels Niall slowly curl his hand around Zayn’s wrist.

“I know babe, I was there too.”

Zayn snaps his mouth shut, forcing down the lump in his throat and gives Niall a weak smile. He wonders if he’s been caught out, if Niall’s figured out what Zayn’s trying to do.

“Sorry. Just tired.” Niall says, a sleepy smile on his face as he runs his fingers over the tattoo just under Zayn’s heart. His _NJH_.

“It’s okay.”

It takes a long while for Zayn to fall asleep that night, and the skin on his finger itches under the ring like a guilty feeling.

* * *

It’s been about two months since the proposal and things are going really well.

Work on the house has been going great, and Niall and Zayn frequently drive down whenever they can to check on the progress. Niall’s primarily excited over the deck since his home studio’s pretty much been set up already, while Zayn works on filling up one of the empty walls in his own little studio.

It’s a good day when they drive down this time. It’s the weekend, so Niall and Zayn had woken up early Saturday morning and decided to head to the house to do a little bit of painting. They could have easily gotten the painters to do it but Niall was adamant that they two of them do it.

“It’s got to have a bit of our touch Zayn!” he insisted.

Zayn has to admit, he enjoys every minute that they spend working on the house. They spend the morning heading into the local town and having some breakfast and walking around – “getting to know the locals” as Niall calls it. He’s already made friends with the local butcher and the barista at one of the few coffee shops there is in the town and told the both of them to expect them to be regular customers in a few months. Zayn just shakes his head fondly as he watches the way Niall interacts with them and gets along with them easily.

They then spend most of the afternoon painting the guest room before heading to the garden to escape the fumes. It’s nice, the two of them soaking up the sun and snacking on the sandwiches they bought from the local deli earlier.

“Babe, I can’t wait to do this every weekend.” Zayn says to Niall, earning him a wide grin in response and a sloppy kiss to the cheek.

It’s close to evening when they decide to head back into the city. They’ve planned a movie night with Liam and Louis and it’s going to take them at least a half hour to get back to the flat after picking up some dinner.

They’re driving on a road that passes by their house and others in the area to the main road, and it’s fairly quiet considering it’s the weekend so there’s not a lot of cars that they encounter.  Niall’s humming and tapping along to the rhythm of some old pop song on the radio, and Zayn’s just idly looking out the window, trying to get himself familiar to the surroundings that he’ll soon call home. They’re not talking to each other, just sitting in a comfortable silence, while Niall rests his hand on Zayn’s knee.

All of a sudden, a car comes out of nowhere and turns into the road that they’re on, narrowly missing hitting their car. Niall hits the brakes hard, and his hand immediately reaches across Zayn to push him back and Zayn grips onto it as tightly as he can.

The stupid car didn’t have its headlights on, and it doesn’t help that it’s a black car so it was so easy to miss in the dark on a road that didn’t have an overhead light every 100 meters.

“What the fuck? What a stupid idiot – he didn’t have his lights on! I didn’t even see him.” Niall curses as they watch the car drive off without so much as slowing down to apologise.

Zayn’s feeling too stunned to reply, but after a while, the silence in the car is soon overtaken by the sound of heavy and erratic breathing.

Zayn turns to see Niall looking straight ahead, his eyes wide with panic and his left hand is gripping onto the steering wheel so tightly Zayn can see his knuckles turning white. His lips are in a tight line and his chest is rising up and down so quickly that Zayn starts getting afraid that Niall’s going to get an asthma attack.

Niall’s right hand is still tightly pushing Zayn against the seat, so he carefully takes his hand in his and lowers it gently. Zayn unbuckles his seat belt and reaches across the gearbox to take Niall’s face in his hands and turn it so that he’s now facing Zayn.

His eyes still look wide with panic and Zayn tries to still his own heartbeat from racing to make sure that Niall’s okay. He presses their foreheads together and slows down his breathing, making sure to exhale each of his breath slowly. Niall gets the hint and eventually his breathing evens out and follows the same pace as Zayn’s, and the two of them just stay like that for a while until Niall looks like he’s calmed down a bit.

“We’re okay babe…nothing happened.” Zayn whispers when he feels Niall’s shoulder ease up from all the tension.

Niall nods against Zayn’s head, before pulling away and clearing his throat, turning his gaze back onto the road ahead with a blank look on his face. There’s still an unsettling feeling in the pit of Zayn’s stomach, and he doesn’t like the fact that despite his efforts, Niall still looks so upset.

Zayn doesn’t know what to do, but he tries his best anyway.

“Hey…” Zayn reaches out for him again, “It’s nothing okay? We’re alright babe.”

“I know.” Niall replies, but the smile he gives Zayn looks tired and a little sad.

They drive back in silence, except as they get closer to the house, Niall asks Zayn to cancel their movie night with the lads, saying he’s just too tired.

Zayn tries not to look too worried, and he’s itching to pull Niall into his arms and keep assuring him that they’re both okay. To kiss away whatever it is that’s making him upset, and he wishes that he knew, that Niall would just stop keeping it all to himself.

He thought he’d get a chance to when they got home, but the minute they entered the flat Niall made a beeline for the bedroom and disappeared to have a shower, leaving Zayn feeling helpless, so he just waited.

He steps out to the balcony to call his mum for a bit to ask how his father’s doing, and it takes a little longer than he expected it to, so by the time he gets to their room, Niall’s already in bed and looks deep in sleep. Zayn tries to push the idea that Niall could be pretending out of his head, and instead just slips under the covers and slides himself next to Niall.  

He feels so helpless and lost once again, and it scares him because the last time he felt like this was during that month that he was in Bradford after his father’s heart attack and Niall was acting distant.

He thinks back to what Harry told him that first time when he spoke to him after the proposal, and he realises that he can’t put off talking to Niall any longer.

* * *

Zayn doesn’t get much sleep that night, tossing and turning while Niall lies asleep next to him, trying to figure out how to approach the subject. The thing is that he knows Niall, and he knows that he’ll just pretend that everything’s fine and dandy even if they weren’t, and it would have to take some digging to get him to tell Zayn what was bothering him.

He finally falls asleep close to dawn, determined to talk to Niall later in the morning no matter what it takes even if it meant holing themselves up in the flat for the whole day.

But when he wakes up a few hours later, the space next to him is empty and already cold. He panics a little, wondering whether Niall left the flat to clear his mind or worse locked himself up in his studio at work as he sometimes did if he wanted some time to himself.

He breathes a sigh of relief when he hears noises coming from outside, which he hopes means that Niall’s still around. He’s surprised that when he leaves their bedroom he hears more than one voice in the kitchen and finds Liam and Louis sitting at the table with a plate full of food in front of them.

Niall’s standing at the stove poking at something in a pan, looking comfy in a pair of sweatpants and a ratty old tank top. His hair looks all messed up and Zayn can see the freckles on his back from where they’re not covered by his top.

“Can you please stop eye fucking him? There are other people in the room you know.” Louis teases while rolling his eyes.

Niall takes a quick glance around and Zayn can see the smirk that grows on his face when he sees who Louis is talking to. Zayn’s relieved that there isn’t a trace of the emotions that he saw on Niall’s face last night, and eventhough there’s still that same nagging feeling in the back of his mind, he’s happy to see him acting normal again. Zayn sends a glare to Louis as he walks across the kitchen to join Niall, his steps unfaltering even when he sticks his hand out to give Louis’s nipple a quick twist when he brushes against his chair.

“OI!”

Zayn playfully sticks his tongue out at Louis before coming up close behind Niall, immediately placing his hands on his waist and burying his head into Niall’s neck. He smells clean, like soap and aftershave, and there’s a hint of disappointment he feels that he missed the chance to shower with Niall in the morning.

“Morning Sleeping Beauty…”

Zayn grunts and gives Niall’s skin a playful bite, unwilling to move from his spot eventhough he knows he’ll have to soon.

“Called the boys over for breakfast to apologise, seeing as we blew them off last night.” Niall says quietly, like it’s just for Zayn’s ears.  Zayn nods, and he’s just about to ask Niall if he’s alright when the blonde boy steps out of his arms before he gets a chance to, leaving him feeling empty and cold already.

Zayn walks to take a seat at the table and marvels at the sight of so much food laid out in front of him. There’s bacon and sausages and hash brown and eggs and baked beans and Zayn’s sitting there in awe. “Where the hell did all this food come from?”

Niall chuckles lightly as he sets a cup of coffee in front of Zayn. “I ran over to the shops while you were sleeping and got some stuff. I was starving babe.”

Zayn nods as he digs into his first bite, and Liam pulls Niall into a conversation about something that he doesn’t really pay attention to. He lets the food settle into his stomach, but he can’t help glancing over at Niall and watching him as he eats. His legs don’t stop fidgeting, and Zayn can feel the way they’re shaking next to his.

He snakes his free hand under the table to rest it on Niall’s knee, and the fidgeting stops immediately. It’s a few moments later when he’s taking a sip from his coffee that he feels Niall’s hand cover his, giving it a little squeeze before it disappears again.

Zayn wants to kiss him so bad at that point, but then he feels a leg knocking against his and looks up at Niall to see if it was him but there’s no reaction, and then turns to Louis to find the other lad looking at him curiously. Louis looks at Niall then back to Zayn, tilting his head a little to the side and raising his eyebrow at him, mouthing “Everything okay?”

Zayn wants to say yes because he knows Louis would worry just as much, but then he can’t help but shrug his shoulders instead, mouthing back “tell you later” to him.

“What’s wrong?” Louis asks him later when he joins Zayn for a smoke break on the balcony.

Zayn takes his time to answer Louis, focusing his attention on taking out a cigarette and lighting it up first.

“Yesterday…we were driving back from the house yeah, and this car came out of nowhere and almost hit us.” Louis eyes widen in surprise and Zayn can see the way his jaw goes tense.

“Fuck. Are you two okay?”

“I’m fine, I mean…I was a little shaken yeah but Niall – he just closed up after that.” Zayn leans against the railing and looks through the sliding door and into the apartment. He can see Niall sitting on the sofa from here, eyes on the tv while his fingers are idly plucking at the guitar that’s on his lap.

“Is that why you guys cancelled last night?” Louis asks and Zayn just nods.

“He just went straight to the room after we came back and by the time I went in he was asleep. I wanted to talk about it this morning but…” Zayn doesn’t finish his sentence.

“Maybe he just got a little rattled. It’s bound to freak him out a little. Hits a bit close to home doesn’t it?”

Zayn looks back into the flat, Liam’s talking to Niall about something and excitedly gesturing with his hands. But the thing is Niall’s face looks completely blank, and he’s smiling but it looks wrong – like it doesn’t fit on his face.

Zayn frowns around his cigarette, and at that moment Niall turns to look outside, to look at him, and suddenly he’s grinning from ear to ear and this time – this time it looks real, this time it looks like _Niall_.

The only thing it does it leave Zayn even more confused.

* * *

Liam and Louis leave mid-afternoon, after they’ve had an Ironman marathon after Liam gives them his puppy eyes and they’ve all eaten one too many slices of pizza.

Niall’s been attaching himself to Zayn’s body the whole day, reaching out for him or making sure that his hand’s touching some part of Zayn so that they’re always connected. Zayn’s pretty sure that Niall wasn’t even paying attention to what was going on the tv, judging from the way Niall’s lips were attached to Zayn’s neck the entire time. It was only after Liam throws a pillow at them and asks if they’d like to be alone that Niall giggles quietly and behaves himself. Louis keeps throwing Zayn hopeful and encouraging glances, sending him subtle texts while sitting right across from him saying that maybe all Niall wants is a bit of attention.

It would make feel Zayn feel good, the way Niall’s acting a little cheeky and playful and showering him with attention, but the problem is that it all feels a little too… _clingy_. Because Zayn knows Niall, knows that he only craves for attention and demands it when he’s feeling off, and it’s eating him up inside to that Niall’s disturbed about something.

Niall’s having his shower and Zayn’s in the living room finishing up a sketch when he hears someone knocking on the door.

It’s their elderly next door neighbour, who wants help moving some boxes in her flat, so Zayn doesn’t think twice about it and agrees immediately, thinking that he’d be quick and that Niall wouldn’t mind.

It takes a little longer than he expected, and he comes back about 30 minutes later to find Niall sitting stiffly on the sofa.

“Where the hell did you go?” Niall gets up as soon as he sees Zayn, his hands curled up into a fist against his sides. Zayn flinches when he hears the harshness in Niall’s tone and his face clearly shows how angry he is, but as Zayn walks closer to him there’s relief flooding his face.

Zayn tries not to show his own worry when he replies, keeping his tone light and fixes a lazy smile on his face. “Sorry babe, Elsa came over asking for some help. You okay?”

“Nothing, nothing – sorry.” Niall’s face goes soft and Zayn can see the way his whole body just relaxes before he reaches out for Zayn’s hand and pulls him closer. “Just got a little worried that’s all, I came out and didn’t find you anywhere.”

Niall shakes his head, more for himself than anything else, before his hand grips the back of Zayn’s neck and he kisses him, slow and gentle. Zayn leans into his body, enjoying the feeling of Niall being so close that he can smell how fresh he is after his shower. Zayn goes pliant, pushing his body against Niall’s, trying to make sure there’s no space left between them. Niall takes the chance to slip his tongue into Zayn’s mouth, licking into the roof of his mouth and turning their kiss a little filthier.  

Zayn’s worries temporarily drift away as he tastes the peppermint mouthwash on Niall’s tongue, and he chases the taste until it’s gone and all that’s left is _Niall, Niall, Niall._

Niall walks them backwards until they fall on the sofa, Zayn settling comfortably between Niall’s thighs as they continue their steamy makeout session.

“Fuck Zayn don’t – don’t leave me yeah?”

Niall whispers as he kisses down the column of Zayn’s throat, and hearing these words feel like someone’s splashed his face with freezing cold water and it brings a little clarity to Zayn and reminds him that he needs to have a serious talk with Niall.

“Niall…” Zayn pulls away and gets off his lap but Niall pulls him back towards him again.

“Sorry sorry, but I love you so much.” This time his kisses feel a little needy, especially the way Niall’s gripping tightly onto Zayn.

It only worries Zayn more, and suddenly he can’t take it anymore, he can’t keep pretending that everything is fine and dandy while waiting for the ball to drop.

“We need to talk Niall.” He says when he finally gets the chance to pull away.

Niall slips his hands under Zayn’s shirt and thumbs at his bare skin. “We can talk later, I’d really like to finish what we started please.”

Zayn wants to, he really wants to because Niall looks so good - his lips swollen, a red flush colouring his cheeks and his hair messed up from where Zayn’s been tugging through it.

But if he stalls any longer, he’ll never have the guts again. So he gets up and walks away, needing to put some distance between the two of them so that he can take a minute to calm down. When he turns back to look at Niall, the other boy is sitting up looking hurt and confused.

“Niall…what’s going on with you?”

“What do you mean? I should be asking you the question.” He’s deflecting, Zayn can see it from the guarded smile Niall’s got on his face and can hear the iciness in his tone.

“No Niall…we haven’t…we need to talk about it. About what happened before you proposed, and then what happened yesterday. I feel like you’re going through something but you’re not letting me in and it kills me Niall – it hurts that I catch you with this blank expression on your face and I have no idea why.”

Niall looks away from Zayn, turning instead to look at the floor. Zayn walks over to kneel down in front of him, taking Niall’s hand in his and giving it a little squeeze.

“I’m not looking to start a fight with you. I just – I need to understand.” Niall still doesn’t reply and Zayn gets desperate. “I don’t want this to break us.”

“I’m scared.” His voice is quiet, tiny, and it breaks Zayn’s heart to hear it.

“Babe…of what?”

“Of losing you.”

Niall’s still looking down, but Zayn catches a stray tear that runs down his face and wipes it away with his thumb.

“But I’m right here.”

“I know. But I did lose you for a little while didn’t I?” Zayn feels like the breath is knocked out from his lungs and he physically has to sit down to come to terms with what Niall’s just said.

“I didn’t want to say anything to upset you alright. But…” Niall pauses, takes a deep breath and continues. “I watched you go unconscious in front of my eyes. The last memory I have of you before the accident was of you lying on the ground, your head bleeding…there was blood everywhere and you weren’t answering me.”

Niall is looking down at his fingers, his leg fidgeting and Zayn realises just how much he’s struggling to get this all out.

“I just- I can’t get that image out of my head you know? I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes to check if you’re still breathing and I just…I just want to hold you close and never want to let you go.”

They’ve always fallen asleep tangled together, only to be on different ends of the bed come morning. But these days Zayn wakes up to the warmth of Niall pressed to his back, not that he’s complaining, it’s the best part of his day. He just didn’t realise that there was a reason behind it.

“You know that I lost my parents when I was young, and my relationship with my brother isn’t the best…but I still managed. I’ve made a lot of friends, but no one’s ever felt like home.” Niall says.

“Until you.”

His hand reaches up to gently caress Zayn’s face, and Niall gives him a sad smile that he desperately wants to wipe off because it’s not the smile that he loves, it doesn’t blind him and show him the dimples in his cheeks.

“You’re my everything Zayn.” Niall smiles a little brighter now. “You’re my family, my best friend, you feel like home.  And I’ve never told you this but, once we got together I’ve just always had this irrational fear that I’d lose you. I can’t- I just wouldn’t be able to take it. If anything happened to you, if anything _happens_ to you, I’d have nothing Zayn…”

There are tears lining those pretty eyelashes that frame his blue eyes, and Zayn thumbs around the edges to wipe away a stray tear, feeling his own emotions starting to get ahead of him.

“When I found out you lost your memory, it just felt a little…too real? Because what if you didn’t remember?” Niall questions and Zayn begs to differ.

“But I did Niall, I told you, I remembered you even if I didn’t know who you were.”

“I know but…I still lost you, even if for a little while. And that scares the shit out of me. That I could have woken up and you didn’t remember me anyway and…” Niall chokes back tears and he looks absolutely devastated. “I don’t know what I would have done Zayn.”

“Niall…Niall look at me.” Niall’s cradling his head in his hands and refusing to let Zayn hold him. “You can’t stress yourself thinking about that.”

Niall finally looks at him, and it’s killing Zayn to see how broken he looks. He takes Niall’s hand and lifts it to his heart, pressing it against his skin.

“Feel my heart beating Niall. I’m alive, and I am here, and there was a point when I thought you weren’t going to make it either and I was so scared and I’m thankful every day that you woke up, that you woke up and you remembered me and I remembered how much I love you.”

Zayn is holding onto Niall and the two of them are sobbing in each other’s arms.

“Please Niall…”

“I’m sorry baby, I’m so so sorry.” Niall finally says as he pulls Zayn in for a hug.

“Just don’t...don’t leave me in the dark again okay? I can’t feel you drifting apart from me again Niall, I can’t take it.”

It takes a while for the two of them to calm down. They’re both leaning back against the sofa, with Niall’s resting his head on Zayn’s shoulder while Zayn’s gently rubbing his thumb in soothing circles at the back of Niall’s neck.

“What happened when I went to Bradford?” Zayn asks when he thinks they’ve calmed down enough.

Niall looks at him confused before he realises what Zayn’s talking about.

“Think it was just coming home to an empty flat. I started to get lost in my head. I felt torn between worrying about you and not wanting to worry you…and then I took a trip to the house. I knew you didn’t remember it, and then I started wondering what would have happened if you never did.”

“I’m so sorry babe, I’m so sorry that you feel this way. But the best I can say is that I’m here, and I love you, and whatever you’re going through…you need to tell me about it so that we can go through it together babe. Because I am just as scared of losing you.”

Zayn places his hand over Niall’s and laces their fingers together. “That’s what the whole marriage thing is about yeah? For better or for worse?”

Niall nods slowly, his tear-stained cheeks giving Zayn goosebumps as it brushes his skin.

“I’m sorry Z…I’ll be honest with you from now on.”

Zayn kisses Niall gently, like sealing a promise between the two of them.

“Come on, let’s go to bed.”

He stands and pulls Niall up with him, and when they slip under the covers, Zayn doesn’t let them fall asleep until he’s kissed every part of Niall and whispered promises against his skin, until he makes sure that the last thought Niall has before he closes his eyes is that they’re in this together no matter what.

And before they finally fall asleep, Zayn makes sure that he’s holding Niall close so that the first thing he’ll remember when he wakes up is just how much Zayn loves him.

* * *

It gets better. There are times when Niall still gets a blank look on his face and Zayn drops whatever he’s doing to slide next to him so that they’re pressed against each other.

Zayn doesn’t say anything, doesn’t do anything drastic. Just lets the simple touch speak for itself, a sort of grounding force to remind Niall where he is and to come back to Zayn, to remember that they’re both alive and well.

But the thing about honesty, is that it’s a two way street.

When it happens, it happens out of the blue. The house is all ready for them and they’re busy packing up the last few things in the flat so that they can move out within the week.

They’re in the living room and Niall’s dismantling the tv while Zayn’s putting all the books into boxes. They’ve been packing in silence for a while until Niall says something that Zayn can’t quite catch.

“What babe?”

“No, I was just thinking about that time when we went to Wales, remember? We had that amazing Welsh stew at that café by the museum? Oh God babe, I am having such a huge craving for that now.”

Zayn freezes what he’s doing.

“Do you still have the recipe? You made it a couple of months after that yeah? I mean, it wasn’t nearly as good, no offense babe, but I’d give anything to just have a little taste of that again.”

Niall’s still trying to figure out how to remove some of the wires from the tv so he doesn’t realise how Zayn’s standing still and his eyes have gone wide.

He has no idea what Niall’s talking about.

He can’t remember.

“Zayn?”

He’s been trying to rack his brain to see if he remembers taking a trip to Wales with Niall but he can’t, he can’t at all, and he’s starting to freak out but he doesn’t want Niall to see.

Luckily, Niall’s phone starts ringing and he gets distracted before he can ask Zayn what’s wrong.

He leaves the room to speak in the kitchen, and Zayn can vaguely register the sounds of cupboards opening and the water running.

He can’t let Niall know that he can’t remember. They’ve been doing so good, and Zayn’s been able to brush away Niall’s fears and he can see the way the other boy is becoming more confident and less paranoid about losing him. But this…he’s afraid this would make them go back to square one.

Niall comes back in five minutes later, his conversation done and he looks at Zayn with a sunny smile on his face and Zayn-

Zayn needs to get out.

“Babe, I really need a ciggie man. I’ve run out so I think I’m going to head down to the shops for a bit yeah?”

“Gimme a minute yeah, I’ll come with you too.”

“No! It’s alright…I know you’re on a roll and if you don’t get the packing for the tv done today you’ll never finish it so don’t try to get away from it yeah?” Zayn forces a smile and hopes his voice sounds light enough to deceive how he really feels.

Niall raises his eyebrows at him and just looks at him curiously before giving him a big smile and nodding his head, and Zayn walks out of the flat feeling a little relieved that Niall won’t be joining him.

The first thing he does when he leaves the building is take his phone out.

“Zayn?” Harry’s voice comes out rough and tired, and Zayn curses himself when he realises he has no idea what time it is in LA.

“Haz, sorry shit I didn’t check the time.”

“Mate, it’s alright. What’s wrong?” Zayn can hear the concern in his best friend’s voice and he’s already wishing that he can take it back. He thinks about just playing it off, telling Harry he called to catch up, but he knows that he’ll catch the lie immediately and decides to come clean anyway.

“Niall…he was talking to me about some trip we took to Wales and- I can’t remember which Haz, I don’t know what he’s talking about.”

He’s pacing anxiously outside a street corner and hates that he forgot his cigarettes and his wallet and so he can’t even act on his lie and grab a pack from the shops.

“Zayn, calm down mate. It’s okay, it’s fine. The doctor said that you won’t get everything back didn’t she?”

“I know she did but – how am I gonna explain it to Niall?”

Harry stays silent on the other end of the phone.

“He’ll understand, Zayn.”

“It’s just…I told you that how we finally talked about everything the other day Haz. He told me that the memory loss freaked him out and the thought of almost losing me was eating him up inside. I can’t…I can’t tell him this, he’ll just get upset again.”

“Zayn, you’re kidding me right? You do realise what you’re doing?” Harry says with an exasperated tone. “You were killing yourself thinking Niall was keeping things from you, and you’re going to do the same to him?”

Zayn keeps quiet because he knows that Harry’s right.

“Zayn. You promised each other you’ll be honest with each other. You promised him that you’ll get through this together. You can’t back out of that no matter how upset you think it’ll make him. That’s going to end up being worse than the thought of him losing you.”

“For better or for worse.” Zayn says absently to himself as he remembers making Niall promise that he wouldn’t keep anything from him. And Harry was right, Zayn had no right to be a hypocrite now.

“What?”

“Nothing…you’re right. I’m sorry I think I just freaked out and overreacted.”

“It’s okay mate. Now go on and right your wrong. Call me after you speak to him alright?”

Zayn promises Harry, another one he hopes to keep, and makes a hasty return back to the flat. He walks back in and finds Niall in the kitchen fixing them up some lunch. Niall walks out when he hears the front door close and looks worriedly at Zayn.

“Babe? Everything okay?”

Zayn’s unsurprised that Niall knew something was wrong, but it’s difficult to see how he’s looking a little unsure of himself. He knows Niall wants to come closer, pull him in until they’re in each other’s spaces, but he’s hesitant to.

“Are you done with lunch? Could you come sit with me for a minute?”

Niall doesn’t say anything, just nods his head before turning to head back into the kitchen.

He comes into the living room and Zayn’s already waiting for him, hands in his lap and fidgeting nervously.

“What’s wrong Zayn?”

There’s still a distance between them and Zayn can sense how tense the air is and so he stretches out his hand for Niall to take so that he can pull the other boy to sit next to him on the sofa. Niall follows and sits, immediately taking hold of Zayn’s hand and placing it on his lap.

“You were talking about that Wales trip we took.” Niall nods slowly as Zayn tries to swallow the lump that’s formed in his throat. “I can’t remember it.”

Niall doesn’t say anything and Zayn can’t bear but to look away from him.

“Okay, that’s…that’s fine Zayn, it wasn’t even that important yeah?”

“No but Niall you need to understand. There’s…there are some things I can never remember. Or maybe I’d remember but forget about them again. I just – I need you to understand that.”

“Zayn…it’s fine.” Niall gives him a small smile and squeezes his hand, but Zayn isn’t sure that it’s enough.

“I just need you to know, it’s just…we’ve been doing so good and I don’t want you to get upset again.”

Niall lets out a sigh before putting his hand on Zayn’s neck and pulling him closer. “Babe…the last time…I didn’t want to worry you. So I kept it to myself but that made things worse. But we’ve talked about it now yeah? You said it yourself. We’re in this together.”

Zayn shakes his head sheepishly. “I know…Harry said I was being a hypocrite for wanting to keep this from you. I think I just …I had a bit of a freak out.”

“Is that why you ran off to then?”

Zayn gives him an embarrassed smile. “Called Harry. I should probably call him back now actually. He’d be worried.”

Zayn goes to stand up but feels Niall grab his wrist. When he turns to look at him, Niall looks disturbed and concerned.  

“Did it really upset you that much?”

“What do you mean?” Zayn asks, a little confused at the seriousness in Niall’s voice.

“Were you really worried that I’d freak out again?”

When Zayn doesn’t answer, Niall gets up to stand in front of him. He takes Zayn’s face in his hands and places a soft kiss on his lips.

“Next time you can’t remember anything, I want you to come to me Zayn, okay? I’ll help you remember…and if you still don’t remember it…I’ll tell you all about it okay?”

Zayn feels like there’s a weight that’s been lifted off his shoulders and feels his heart expand with love for the man in front of him. He doesn’t know how he got so lucky, and he knows that there won’t be a day that goes by that he won’t be thankful for all this.

Thankful that he gets to spend the rest of his life with Niall Horan.

* * *

It’s moving day.

Niall rents a huge moving truck to load up most of their things like the furniture and the boxes. They reel in help from Liam and Louis to bring whatever remaining boxes that can’t fit in the truck in their car.

Everything’s been perfect. It really is.

Even Harry makes a trip back, after Niall hounded him for two weeks for not being around for the momentous occasion. It’ll be the first time that he sees the house, and Niall insists on him squeezing in with the two of them in the truck instead of following in Liam’s car.

“That’s absolutely gorgeous mate.” Harry’s sitting with his jaw dropped and eyes wide, looking at the house in wonder as they’re sat parked right at the doorstep.

“Oi, you lot planning on coming out anytime soon?” Liam shouts as he and Louis get out of their car and walk up to the truck.

“I can’t believe that our place is now closer to the city. Where are we supposed to kip when we head in for a night about town?” Louis adds. “It’s so suburban mates, I don’t know how I feel about this.”

“He’s lying. He’s already asked me to get in touch with an agent to find houses in the area so that we’ll be closer to you.” Liam says as he rounds the car with a box in hand.

Louis sends his boyfriend a threatening glare while the other lads chuckle at him.

“Come off it Lou, we know you love the suburban lifestyle.” Niall winks at him while opening the door to the house.

They all continue to tease Louis while unloading the boxes. There isn’t a lot of furniture that they’ve brought along with them, considering they bought a lot of new stuff that’s already been delivered to the house. 

A little bit later, Niall takes two specific boxes and brings it to one of the guest rooms and calls out to Zayn to bring Harry in there.

“Haz, you’re in charge of unpacking these ones.” Niall tells him after opening the tape with some scissors.

Harry looks at Niall confused, while Zayn just stands at the doorway with a secret smile on his face.

“Uhh…okay.” He says while taking some of the things out.

“You guys are acting weird.” He adds when he catches Niall and Zayn watching him like a pair of proud parents.

“Heyyyy…this is all my stuff.” Harry says excitedly after a while.

“Yeah. Found it all scattered over the old flat.”

Harry looks up at Niall confused. “So what do you want me to do mate? Should have left it there. I could have brought it back to my flat.”

“Yeah you could have. Or you could just put them away in here.”

Harry looks from Niall to Zayn and then back again. It takes a moment for Niall’s words to sink in before he suddenly throws himself at the two of them.

“I feel like Joey. And you guys are Monica and Chandler.” His voice is muffed from where it’s buried in Niall’s hair.

“As long as I’m Chandler.” Niall says with a chuckle. “Hey, this means you’ve got to come back more often alright. I miss your face.”

“I’m going to make you regret saying that mate.”

Niall and Zayn didn’t think twice about having one of the spare rooms as a guest room slash Harry’s room. He stayed with them most of the time when he was back anyway, and it didn’t feel right having a place that didn’t have some part of Harry in it.

Zayn can’t help but feel thankful once again that Niall loves his best friend just as much as he does.

* * *

It’s the end of moving day and the rest of the boys left just after dinner to give the two boys a bit of privacy during their first night staying in their new home together.

Zayn doesn’t know if he’ll ever stop being amazed that this is their own place, and it still feels a little surreal to him. They had to get a bunch of new furniture since they were moving to a bigger place, but Zayn loves how there’s still so many familiar things from their old flat strewn around the house, making it feel instantaneously homier.

He and Niall have been sitting in their living room since the boys left, just talking about all the things that’s still left to do, like a bit of painting on their backyard fence, and they need to hang up some pictures to adorn the empty walls.

At the topic of framed pictures, Zayn decides it’s time that he brings out his moving in present for Niall.

He’d been working on it for months, ever since Niall first woke up from the accident, and somehow he’s managed to keep it a secret from him.

“Where you going?” Niall asks when Zayn abruptly disappears into his studio room. He’s got a confused look on his face when Zayn comes back out later on with a huge wrapped package in his hands.

Niall loves whenever Zayn did something new for their old flat, even if it was just a rough sketch. But the one thing that he always didn’t want hanging was any one of Zayn’s many portraits of him. Zayn could never understand why, because he loved painting Niall and there were so many pieces that he’d love to have hanging for everyone to see.

 “A painting?” Niall had taken it seriously when he said he wanted Zayn to do a few things for the new house, so he didn’t really look surprised when Zayn hands him the wrapped frame.

“Open it.”

Zayn stands back and leans against the wall as Niall carefully takes the package from his hands and tries not to tear the paper as he opens it.

It’s not really big, probably just slightly bigger than a poster, because Zayn knows that Niall will get embarrassed especially if Zayn wanted it hanging out in plain sight.

It’s a painting of Niall, sitting cross-legged on the floor with his eyes trained on his fingers playing the guitar. There’s wide grin on his face and he looks beautiful like that, looking content and happy. It’s an image that’s always clear in his mind, and it’s something he’s been itching to put to paper ever since he first had that image in his mind.

“What’s this?” Niall says quietly, his eyes still on the painting.

“It’s the moment I knew I was in trouble, that I’d never be able to get you off my mind. And it’s also the first memory I got back after the accident.”

Niall looks at Zayn, flashing him a blinding smile that’s almost similar to the one he’s wearing in the painting. Niall knows which memory it is, Zayn’s told him countless times how it’s something he’ll never ever forget.

“I want to put it somewhere where everyone can see it. Don’t you dare disagree, I don’t care what you think Niall, I want everyone to see you the way I see you.” Zayn says as he looks around the room for the perfect place to hang the painting.

Niall doesn’t say anything, but Zayn can tell from all the unshed tears in his bright blue eyes that he appreciates the painting.

“Anything you want babe.”

Zayn smiles, before choosing to put the painting up in the centre of their living room, on the wall right above their sofa.

“Perfect.” Zayn says after Niall’s nailed the painting on and they’ve hung it up.

Niall stares at it for a few minutes while Zayn puts his arms around his waist and places kisses along his jaw.

“Thank you Zayn. It’s…it’s really beautiful. I’m the luckiest guy in the world to have you, I hope you know that.”

“Nah, I expect payment of some sort.” Zayn says cheekily.

Niall laughs out loud when he hears that, his eyes crinkling around the edges and his mouth stretched in a grin.

“Anything for you babe, anything for you.”

* * *

“Mr Horan! Another one of your letters ended up in our mail!” Their neighbour’s young son comes running towards him as he gets out of the car, waving an envelope in his hand.

“Thanks Stevie, sorry this keeps happening.” Zayn tells the kid before he runs off back to his house.

When Zayn enters the house, he’s welcomes by the smell of meat cooking and he walks straight to the kitchen to find Niall standing at his beloved grill, flipping some chicken over the heat.

“I swear I’ve gotten the short end of the stick.”

Niall turns his head at Zayn’s voice, throwing him a confused look before turning his attention back to the grill.

“Hello, I missed you while you were at work and what in the world are you talking about?”

“There was no point of us combining our names after we got married. Everyone just calls me Mr Horan instead of Mr Horan-Malik.”

Zayn drops his body onto one of the sofas and doesn’t flinch when he feels something brush against his leg.

“Heya Harley…how’s your day been babe?” Zayn and Niall adopted the nine-week old pit bull just a month ago, and Zayn adores the puppy so much that Niall was always chiding him for spoiling the cute thing.

“That little mutt! I’ve been calling him all morning, even tried luring him out with some chicken but stubborn dog wouldn’t leave his kennel. Then you just walk in and suddenly he appears.”

“That’s ‘cause I’m his favourite babe.”

Niall pretends to be insulted and opens another bottle of beer, setting down the tongs to come sit next to Zayn on the sofa.

He reaches over to scratch the back of Harley’s ears and the puppy leans into his touch, clearly ravishing the attention he’s getting from his owners.

“So what were you complaining about our name again?”

“I’m just saying, everyone prefers to say Mr Horan rather than Mr Horan-Malik. My students think it’s a mouthful. Some of ‘em are even calling me Mr H!” Zayn huffs with annoyance.

“Saying you regret marrying me Mr Horan-Malik?”

And fine, maybe it’s all an act. Because it still leaves him feeling a little giddy every time he hears someone calling him Mr Horan because he can’t believe that Niall is now his _husband_.

“Never Mr Horan-Malik.”

It’s been six months since they moved into the house, and four since the wedding. It wasn’t a big affair, in fact it was the most casual thing put together – and they wouldn’t have had it otherwise.

It was probably only a week before the actual day that they decided they wanted to just do something simple at the house without delaying it any further. So the next day they went in and got their marriage license, then called all their friends and family to come over to the house over the weekend for a housewarming party.

Except it wasn’t.

They didn’t tell anyone else, wanting to keep it as a surprise, but they got someone to decorate the back garden and set up a couple of tables and chairs. Their neighbour Sheena was a wonderful baker, as evident from the lemon sponge cake she made when they were new to the neighbourhood. So she helped make them a delicious peanut butter and banana cake that had everyone drooling.

Liam, Louis and Harry came prepared, and to Niall’s disappointment, weren’t surprised at all that the housewarming party was actually a wedding reception.

“We know you too well to know you’d pull something like this.” Liam had said.

Zayn just smiles as he thinks back to that night, how it was absolutely perfect when he exchanged vows with Niall in the back of their dream house and in front of all their loved ones.

And it’s been a dream ever since.

Niall gets up to check on the meat and decides to leave it to cook for a while more, then goes in to the house and comes back with his guitar.

“Any requests?” Niall asks when he settles back in the sofa and Zayn shifts so that he’s pressed to his side.

“Fly me to the moon?”

“Excellent choice.” Niall smiles, wide and bright, leaning in to give him a soft kiss before he starts.

It’s a beautiful night where the skies are clear and the stars are out, and there’s nowhere else Zayn would rather be. He’s got the sounds of Niall singing softly and playing his guitar, and Harley sleeping quietly on his lap.

Yeah, he really is happy being Zayn Horan-Malik.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's over.
> 
> I'm sorry for the long wait, I really struggled with trying to find the perfect way to end this story and I hope I did it right.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's read this from start to finish and loves this fic as much as I do. I've creeped on a couple of comments on twitter and tumblr and am blown away by everyone's reaction to this.
> 
> A special shout out to She Who Must Not Be Named, because if it wasn't for her support I'd never have even considered starting a fic, and this one would have stayed as a 5k oneshot had she not pushed me to aim higher. There was a time when she said I should write 100k and I thought it wasn't possible and well...here we are.
> 
> I'm sorry for any mistakes! I've edited it once but I just wanted this up as soon as possible. I promised myself I'll finish it by my birthday and there's an hour left so I guess I made it!
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed it and let me know what you think :)


End file.
